SUMMARY KEYWORDS

drinking, drinking, alcohol, women, hormones, menopause, perimenopause, midlife, better sex, sobriety, stop drinking, stopped drinking, sober, Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), prioritizing time, communication, body image, intimacy, sober sex, working on it, why we drink, helps, heal, survive, surviving, cravings, not drinking, alcohol-free, sobriety starter kit, community, connection, life changing, support, moderate, coping skills, coping mechanism, manage anxiety, hard times, alcohol is toxic, resonate, vulnerable, brave, truth, rebuilding, life, without numbing out, mixed emotions, early motherhood, postpartum depression, recovery, married, mom, celebration, mental health, addiction, quit drinking, quitting drinking, anxiety, breast cancer, death of a million cuts, navigate, remove the alcohol, guilt, shame, risk, benefits, dopamine, vaginal dryness, pleasure, libido, lube, orgasm, tosterone

SPEAKERS: Casey McGuire Davidson + Dr. Kelly Casperson, M.D.

00:02

Welcome to the Hello Someday Podcast, the podcast for busy women who are ready to drink less and live more. I’m Casey McGuire Davidson, ex-red wine girl turned life coach helping women create lives they love without alcohol. But it wasn’t that long ago that I was anxious, overwhelmed, and drinking a bottle of wine and night to unwind. I thought that wine was the glue, holding my life together, helping me cope with my kids, my stressful job and my busy life. I didn’t realize that my love affair with drinking was making me more anxious and less able to manage my responsibilities.

In this podcast, my goal is to teach you the tried and true secrets of creating and living a life you don’t want to escape from.

Each week, I’ll bring you tools, lessons and conversations to help you drink less and live more. I’ll teach you how to navigate our drinking obsessed culture without a bus, how to sit with your emotions, when you’re lonely or angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, how to self soothe without a drink, and how to turn the decision to stop drinking from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life.

I am so glad you’re here. Now let’s get started.

Hey there. Welcome back.

If you have ever felt like your sex drive has disappeared, your body has changed in ways you don’t understand, or intimacy just feels complicated. Now that you’re in midlife and now that you’re not drinking, then this episode is going to be so helpful.

I’m talking with Dr. Kelly Casperson, a board certified urologist, sex educator, hormone expert and the hilarious no BS host of You Are Not Broken podcast. She’s also the author of the book, You Are Not Broken, Stop Shoulding All Over Your Sex Life, which is about rewriting the script around sex, desire, relationships, and midlife wellness.

 

[00:02:00]

Dr. Kelly is here to break down everything we should have learned about our bodies, desire, hormones, and healthy sex, but probably never did. So, we’re going to talk about sex in sobriety, perimenopause, desire, differences, hormone therapy, body image, and how to finally stop shoulding all over your sex life.

 

So, welcome. I’m so glad you’re here, Kelly.

Thanks for having me. Before we hit record, we were already diving into all of the things about perimenopause and about alcohol and about what is quote unquote “allowed or not allowed” on Instagram in terms of talking about women’s bodies.

 

And you also stopped drinking 4 years ago, which is really cool. I love bringing on experts on this podcast, especially women in midlife who have also decided to remove alcohol from their lives.

 

[00:03:00]

So, can you just jump in and talk to us about this topic? Yeah. Well thanks for having me. So, I’m a urologist, which is a surgeon.

Went to medical school. We prioritize male sexual function in urology. That’s by dogma. This was a male field, so very comfortable with Viagra and testosterone in the male realm. And about 7 years in, this is probably about 6 or 7 years ago now, you get the 7 year itch, you get kind of bored.

You’re like, what am I doing this for? You’re repeating yourself every day and you’re boring the crap outta yourself. And I think that’s when the universe was like, you’re ready. You’re ready to do something.

And so, the universe delivered to me, a woman in my clinic who was crying because of her sexless marriage.

And the lightning struck my brain and said, you don’t know how to help her. And who does? Do the gynecologists know how to help them? Turns out, no. The gynecologists by and large, do not know how to help the women. So, we’ve got urology, which is helping the men, of which 90% are heterosexual. Who are they supposed to be sleeping with if nobody’s helping the women?

[00:04:00]

And so, I really dove deep and became an expert in female sexual health, female sexual function, the role of hormones and the pelvis and blood flow. And through that became interested in menopause and perimenopause ’cause people kept saying, well, you know, what happens to your sex life with menopause? And I’m like, I don’t know.

 

Most people are shocked to know this, but most physicians over the last two decades because of the Women’s Health Initiative scare, have not learned about a natural occurrence that 50% of the population goes through. Meaning all women, right?

Absolutely. And all females, if you live long enough, this is a gift of longevity. If you die early, you don’t go through menopause. At what age do we go through perimenopause and menopause? And I know it does vary.

Yeah. So, in America, the average age of menopause is 51.

We have to define that. It’s an ancient definition, which is not useful anymore for most people. So, the definition of menopause means the cessation of natural periods. So, it’s one year after your last natural period. That’s not helpful for one third of women. ’cause they have hysterectomies, uterine ablations IUDs, you know, they’re not having periods, right.

[00:05:00]

So, people think that, oh, all that it is, is that I can’t get pregnant anymore. You know, that’s a consequence of the low hormone state that’s happening. But back when they defined what menopause was hundreds of years ago, we didn’t know about hormones. We didn’t know what ovaries did, right? So, we’re using a term which actually just describes one symptom of living longer than the ovary, production of hormones.

Those hormones, most commonly the ones that we can give people back. Estrogen, testosterone, progesterone. So, after one urinal periods, you basically have really low hormones. The years up to that is what we call perimenopause or surrounding menopause. So, think of puberty as it’s rocky. You got a period, then you don’t, and you’re moody and your high, high hormones, and then they’re low. Your ovaries are learning how to adult. That’s puberty.

[00:06:00]

Then perimenopause is your ovaries are learning how to stop working. Basically, it’s, it’s going into like, they’re practicing retirement, right? So, zone of chaos. Some people will call perimenopause, high estrogen, low estrogen, by and large, low progesterone, low testosterone.

But many people will, will argue that perimenopause is the most symptomatic of all.

Mm-hmm. Because the brain, the body doesn’t really care what your hormone level is. It cares about the change in fluctuation, and that’s that zone of chaos. And why I’m getting headaches. I’m not sleeping. I’m super cranky.

My breasts are tender now. Now my eyes are dry. I got a frozen shoulder now. Right. And people don’t know that that’s all because of the hormone chaos that’s happening. And that’s super interesting because women who drink a lot and trust me, I was, you know, bottle plus wine at night every night for years.

A lot of those symptoms are very, very similar, right.

[00:07:00]

In terms of it’s hard to separate the, the mood swings all the things you mentioned that women go through. Versus what’s going on in perimenopause.

And yeah, so it’s interesting to separate those two. And the only way you can actually realize what’s going on with your body in perimenopause is to remove the alcohol and it’s then that you can address the symptoms.

 

Right. Yeah, I mean, alcohol just makes everything worse, right?

So, when the liver’s processing alcohol, your body can’t really take care of much else. It’s got a full-time job just getting the alcohol outta your body.

Alcohol makes night sweats and hot flashes worse.
Alcohol makes sleep worse. Alcohol makes mood and anxiety worse, so you’re literally just pouring gasoline on the fire that’s already chaotic. We already know mood disorders, anxiety, depression, skyrocket and perimenopause. And women are, because they don’t know and because they’re not getting help, they’re trying to treat that with alcohol.

Like, I can’t sleep, so I’m drinking, I’m anxious, so I’m drinking.

[00:08:00]

So, they actually drink more in perimenopause as a way to self-medicate the perimenopausal symptoms, not understanding, they’re actually making it worse. Absolutely. And I think that along with the ridiculously very recent communication from the medical community, that alcohol actually causes cancer in the same way that cigarettes do.

This isn’t discussed either. Like it’s just starting to be talked about widely that alcohol exacerbates anxiety and makes your sleep worse. I know so many women who drink because they think it helps them sleep. Mm-hmm. And you just mentioned they drink because they’re anxious. They drink because they feel like shit.

Like, I’ve had women be like, I’m on my period, and it’s so awful. So that’s why I drunk.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, a hundred percent. And I, and I think just shedding light on that like you’re doing helps people because you don’t see, oh, I am actually trying to solve a problem with alcohol. Right. Alcohol’s a great problem solver.

[00:09:00]

That’s why 70% of people use it, but it’s not a great problem solver long term and causes its own problems. So, women are actually catching up to men. This is one part of my new book. I have a whole chapter on alcohol is toxic, and women are catching up to men in the damage done by consuming alcohol. And that’s some gender equality that I disagree with.

 

And, um mm-hmm. They just, the, the more women thrive with education, right? So it’s like the more they know, the more they can start making the right decisions for them. Because what I know is that midlife women, they’re watching their mom age, they’re watching their aunt’s age, they’re seeing how frailty looks.

They’re very interested in being fully functional at 82 years old. And alcohol is not part of the female longevity movement. Yeah, that’s so true. So you mentioned a lot of terms like progesterone and testosterone and estrogen. Can you tell us a little bit just what are those terms? Can you define them so we can understand?

[00:10:00]

Yep. So, all three of those things, testosterone, estrogen, progesterone are hormones and hormones have this, the, the word hormone has a bad reputation, but hormones are actually very simple things.

 

They’re created somewhere in the body that then travel to somewhere else in the body to communicate. That’s all. Hormones are Insulin, Vitamin D is a hormone, right? So thyroid is a hormone. So, they’re just substances that travel around the body to communicate. That’s all they are. Now, the ovary makes a lot of testosterone four times the amount of estrogen.

 

That’s our first mind blowing thing because we got stereotype that testosterones for men and estrogens for women, we’re not that black and white. We’re not that simple. Now, men make more testosterone than women, but women make four times the amount of testosterone than estrogen. So that’s just one part of like, what else don’t I, I know about my body.

Right? Yeah. So, women don’t, don’t, they don’t get taught about female sexual health. ,

we don’t know how female sexuality works. We don’t know what perimenopause is. We don’t know what menopause is. We don’t know the long-term consequences of living without hormones for decades, which is what we want to do now.

[00:11:00]

So, there’s a lot to learn, and I think now is such an exciting time because women really are.

They’re like, I’m ready. Give it to me. I’m sick of not being told these things. And it’s exciting. I’m not here to tell a woman you can’t drink, or you have to be on hormones or anything, black and white. I’m here to give information ’cause I know that women armed with good information, make really smart decisions for themselves.

Yeah. And the other thing that’s interesting to me, and by the way, it’s very, very similar with alcohol, is not a lot of doctors are really well informed about this. Well, let’s talk about that, right? Let’s talk about that.

Yeah. Tell me, so what do doctors get taught in med school? Alcohol in moderation.

Nowhere in our teaching do we ever get told that the best amount of alcohol is zero. We actually get taught something called the cage questionnaire, which you ask patients, and they have to answer Yes. And that means you have a problem. And it’s literally like, do you wake up in the morning and have a glass of alcohol, like it’s severe alcohol, disuse you misuse disorder that we screen for?

[00:12:00]

And I mean, I don’t know this, but I’m like, God, was the alcohol industry involved in creating the education for doctors? Probably nowhere. Nowhere in any of my education, he always says, no, don’t do drugs and moderate alcohol. The party line is, by the way, alcohol smoke, right? Absolute smoke. Yeah. Don’t smoke, don’t do drugs.

Nobody says like smoke, moderate alcohol. But you know, the WW Hos labeled it as a carcinogen for over a decade. It’s associated with eight common cancers. And the Mo like for me, in my journey of like, you know, why I decided to stop alcohol, one of the reasons was over and over in my clinic, what are women, what health condition are women the most freaked out about?

Tell me. Breast cancer. Yeah. Right. So, and that’s not, it’s not the most common thing that kills women, that’s heart disease, but they’re most freaked out about breast cancer because we’ve done an incredible marketing job. It’s scaring the shit out of them with breast cancer, even though, yeah, over 90% curable.

[00:13:00]

So, it’s still awful. Nobody wants it, but highly curable. But we’re more afraid of that than anything else. Right. So, women are so afraid of breast cancer, don’t you think they’d do everything they could to decrease their risk of breast cancer? That’s like the crazy irony is like, we know alcohol is associated with breast cancer, if to 10% of breast cancers are alcohol related.

Yeah. And I’ve heard this stat, and I’ve heard it from doctors who specialize in breast cancer, drinking three drinks a week increases your risk of breast cancer by 15% and then every drink over that increases at another 10%.

It’s so bad for you. And besides the fact colon cancer, liver cancer, esophageal cancer, anal cancer, right? Like these horrible, horrible things that are more deadly than breast cancer, by the way. But that was the hypocrisy of like, women are so afraid, but they’re so unwilling to do everything they can to not get breast cancer.

And so, to me, I was like, yeah. And I actually think back in the, like when I was drinking, I don’t think that knowing the information that I have about breast cancer would’ve been enough to stop him from drinking.

[00:14:00]

Yeah. That, and that’s true for many people, but the data shows that the average American doesn’t know that alcohol’s associated with cancer.

Yeah. So it’s like, it’s one thing if you know it and you choose to not do it, but we got about 50% of America that doesn’t even know that. So, it’s like, yeah. And I believe it was just this year that the recommendation changed from one drink a week per day to no alcohol is good for you. Yeah. So, America hasn’t done that yet.

I know Canada did it. Exactly. Canada did it. Which is very telling because Canada’s got a drinking culture. But there’s a lot of dollars involved in taxes that America gets for alcohol. And alcohol is a huge lobby. Keep in mind, this is a massive business, right? There’s, there’s legal availability on every single street corner there’s massive business.

[00:15:00]

So, when we’re like, why can’t the government say that you know. He billions of dollars in tax revenue goes to the government because you drink.

Yeah. Right? And so, like, heaven forbid they tell you not to and they lose some tax money from it. I, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. People can’t handle that.

That’s how the way the world works. But like, don’t expect if you’re sitting around waiting to stop drinking until your government tells you to, like, it’s not going to happen.

Yeah, absolutely. And there’s so much money behind marketing of alcohol and just the regulations, like, you know, in every bathroom of a bar it says, by the way, don’t drink if you’re pregnant and drink responsibly.

And what, which is such a low, it’s such a low bar. Yeah, don’t drink and drop. What’s interesting is the government U United States government label says like, you know, don’t operate heavy machinery and don’t drink when pregnant. It doesn’t have any cancer risk on it, which we know exists. And then if you look at our estrogen product, again, a hormone our body naturally makes and is not increase, does not increase your risk of breast cancer. Not the bioidentical hormones, but everybody thinks it does.

That has a government warning label on it that says increased risk of cancer and it’s wrong. We’re actually going to the FDA next week to petition getting this label changed. So, I did, I actually did an Instagram of like the difference between two government labels, right?

Something that causes cancer and kills you says don’t be pregnant on it, which it certainly doesn’t help the men. Which, and then vaginal estrogen, which doesn’t even go in your bloodstream and your body naturally made before menopause says it’s going to kill you. Yeah. Like it’s the Yeah, I mean the, the government’s not being fair.

No. And when I’ve traveled internationally, when you go to the duty free shops, I’ve actually taken pictures of this ’cause it’s so insane. Every time you buy the carton of cigarettes, ’cause no taxes on it, there are warnings all over the package.

Like literally huge warnings saying this causes cancer, this causes X, Y, Z and alcohol. Nothing.

[00:17:00]

And I know Ireland last year passed the regulations that on every individual bottle of wine, beer hard liquor, you have to say, this causes cancer. This causes liver disease. No way. I didn’t know that. Yeah.

And go to Ireland. The rest of Europe is up in arms and the French and the Italian wine producers have been saying, like, interviewed like This will ruin our industry. And it’s like, maybe, maybe not, but like you should have this information out there. Like you are creating marketing a product that contributes to cancer and yet you are doing everything you can to say that it is healthy.

Yeah. Oh, totally. It, I mean it’s amazing what people want to hang on to when it be, especially when it benefits their pocketbook. Absolutely. Well, so let’s talk though about sex and perimenopause and menopause, because sex is a huge topic for women who are stopping drinking.

 

[00:18:00]

A lot of them have been in long-term relationships and alcohol, obviously, if they’re big drinkers, is a huge part of intimacy and sex.

Mm-hmm. And also. They’re afraid that they will never connect with their partner because that’s how they bond and that’s how they have conversations. And you know, you put, how am I going to have sex without drinking on top of it because it lowers my inhibitions, or whatever it is. That’s very scary.

Yep. So, so let’s talk about the good things about alcohol and sex because it that it’ll help validate people’s statements and help them understand why they’re in the pickle that they’re in. So, what alcohol does is it be, it makes your brain very short term. You don’t think about tomorrow, you don’t think about next week.

 

You don’t think about, is this going to hurt my reputation? You don’t think about, could I get pregnant? Or like you’re, it’s a very present moment drug, right? Which is why people love it ’cause it takes their worries away ’cause you’re not thinking about the future.

[00:19:00]

So, that’s also why alcohol’s very strongly correlated with dangerous sexual situations and increased risk of coercion and as well as infections, right?

Because you’re not really thinking like the responsible human that you are because you have a drug in there that told your brain, now is all that matters. And now feels great ’cause we have dopamine on board, right? So, it’s good to know how alcohol works, that’s why people say the things they say about alcohol.

’cause it removes future thinking. And I write about this in my first book. You are not broken, so that’s why it’s great for sex. ’cause you’re like, I think I will, I think that person does look good. I think sex tonight is, does seem like a good idea. We’ve got dopamine and we’ve got no concern for future consequences, right?

But then it’s a depressant. It decreases blood flow, it decreases. We, we know alcohol’s horrific for erections. And remember all bodies get erect. We didn’t get that female sex ed, but penises get erect. Clitoris get erect. They’ve done more research on penises. But it was basically a China study. People with, with significant erectile dysfunction, who drank, somehow they got ’em to completely abstain for like two or three months straight.

[00:20:00]

The erections came back with a vengeance. Like alcohol’s horrible for erections, and that’s all genders. It’s just more studied in men. So, it really does inhibit your ability to orgasm, your ability to get aroused. And at the end of the day. Are you truly having a embodied aware experience with a drug onboard?

Right? Yeah. You might think you are, but what people, what people are saying to you is very real. I don’t know how to do this without alcohol. Yes, you will have to learn how to do it without alcohol, but literally nobody who’s having sober sex is like, I wish, I wish I had alcohol on board. Like it’s just as good if not better.

So sober sex is better once you learn how to do it. Once you’re able to get aroused, right? It’s so much better. And maybe it’s TMI, but when I stopped drinking and I’ve been with my husband, God, we’ve been married 23 years, we’ve been together 27.

[00:21:00]

We met at 22. So very early once I stopped drinking, my husband was like, yeah, sex is good.

You know, it’s wonderful, yada, yada, but you never rip off my shirt anymore. And I was like, babe. I don’t remember that. Like, and he was like, oh, actually sometimes you were sort of like, I was a big drinker. I was a big blackout drinker. He is like coming in and out of consciousness, and I was not comfortable with that.

It wasn’t terribly exciting. So, it’s that idea of like, oh, when we, when you’re drunk, you’re much more into sex, but you’re certainly way less present. Yeah. Yeah, a hundred percent. Actually, I have a podcast episode. It’s a while back now on mine, but it’s me and my brother talking about both of our conversations with Stop Stopping Alcohol and he talks about his, his progression of having to figure out how to have sex sober.

And it’s a very, very, this is not a small issue. This is a big issue because here, here’s the other part.

[00:22:00]

We never got taught how to communicate about sex. We never got taught how to be comfortable with our bodies. We never got taught how to advocate for our needs. Right. Heck of a lot easier just to have a couple of drinks, not worry about any of that, and let the body do its thing.

So, part of it is really coming to terms with the fact of like, you maybe never got a good sex education to begin with.

Yeah. Right. So, we’re just making it air quotes “easier” by putting alcohol on board. So, to speak to those women to be like, yes, you will have to learn how to have sex sober and you can do it.

And most people say it’s better and you actually gain a lot in the process. But the other thing I want to speak to of that is when the brain and you are contemplating giving up alcohol, the brain will tell you a bajillion bullshit thoughts Oh yeah. To keep you drinking and mm-hmm. Sex won’t be as fun as one of those bullshit thoughts.

[00:23:00]

So, just understand, that’s the brain trying. Be like, she’s trying to take away my dopamine. I don’t like it. I better tell her that life’s not going to be as good without me. Like, and, and, and really like explaining those thoughts to people to be like, no, that’s the brain trying to hang onto the, to the dopamine.

 

Like, yes, it will get better. One of my thoughts was like, how am I ever going to celebrate a, like a, a landmark something, right? How am I going to celebrate? If I can’t have champagne. And I was like, well, that’s a good reason to not give up drinking. Keep drinking. Yeah. And now that, you know, I haven’t drank for 4 years and I’ve had several amazing landmark events since then and be like, oh my God, that is the silliest thing in the entire planet that my brain was like, you’re not going to, how are you going to enjoy anything?

Yeah. But, oh, you know, I, I don’t have those. I thought be bored. I was going to be boring. I would lose all my friends. I wouldn’t be able to connect with my husband. I actually weirdly thought that like, I mean, forget about not being able to handle stress and the idea that it made mothering a toddler, you know, easier and that I was a better mom ’cause I was more chill and more fun.

 

[00:24:00]

But I even had those crazy thoughts that like, I wouldn’t get promoted at work if I didn’t drink, because if I didn’t drink, people would think I had an alcohol problem. Mm-hmm. And like, I wouldn’t be able to do the bonding at the business trips and the happy hours. And what’s crazy is I was like, oh yeah, because me being hug over every day and crazy, anxious and less productive was way better for my career.

I mean, it’s insane. My career like went so much better once I stopped. Oh, my career’s gone insane since stopping drinking. I. Like in, I can’t, I imagine I can’t believe my life right now. And yeah. But we have all these limiting beliefs and it’s because also we’ve been marketed to and convinced. I mean, you know, and going, I mean, going back to medicine, you know what, what the, the dogma of medicine and quitting is, yeah.

It’ll only quit if you have a problem. And that’s really how medicine is looked at it. Right? And so, a lot of women are like, well, if I quit, then I, that means I’ve admitted I have a problem.

[00:25:00]

Yeah. And what’s so great, which is not true, but what is so great about the current longevity movement is realizing, taking it out for its own sake, helps your body, helps your lifestyle, helps longevity.

It has nothing to do with having a problem or not. And that is becoming more and more and more common, which is wonderful because that was holding a lot of people back, like they were stuck drinking because they were like, I don’t think I have a problem, but if I stop, then that means I do. And that is everybody.

That’s a conundrum. Yeah, well not only that, but what I think is interesting about everything you’re saying is that literally the biggest drinkers are baby boomers followed by Gen X, which are, you know, the elderly, although my mother would hate me saying that. And women in midlife, and men too. But women are just taking off in drinking.

So, the younger generations drink significantly less than their parents and grandparents, and there’s a whole host of reasons around that. But it’s also that they are way more aware of the connection to anxiety and depression and cancer. Because the information is more widely in available.

 

If you’re listening to this episode and have been trying to take a break from drinking, but keep starting and stopping and starting again, I want to invite you to take a look at my on demand coaching course, The Sobriety Starter Kit®. The Sobriety Starter Kit® is an online self study, sober coaching course that will help you quit drinking and build a life you love without alcohol without white knuckling it or hating the process. The course includes the exact step-by-step coaching framework I work through with my private coaching clients, but at a much more affordable price than one-on-one coaching. And The Sobriety Starter Kit® is ready, waiting and available to support you anytime you need it, when it fits into your schedule.  You don’t need to work your life around group meetings or classes at a specific day or time. This course is not a 30 day challenge, or a one day at a time approach. Instead, it’s a step-by-step formula for changing your relationship with alcohol. The course will help you turn the decision to stop drinking from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life. You will sleep better and have more energy, you’ll look better and feel better, you’ll have more patience and less anxiety. And with my approach you won’t feel deprived or isolated in the process. So if you’re interested in learning more about all the details, please go to www.sobrietystarterkit.com. You can start at any time and I would love to see you in the course.

 

[00:26:00]

Yeah. Yeah. And we know.

We know because women, again, the last two decades have been awful for helping women with their hormones and perimenopause that women are self-medicating. Dr. Louis Newsom from the UK has actually done this research. Not only are they drinking more, but they’re using more illegal drugs. They’re gambling more.

So basically, they’re trying to increase the dopamine in their brain to feel good via all these external measures, because your hormones are going down. Testosterone and estrogen help make dopamine. Right, so your hormones are going down.

 

So, we’re doing all these external behaviors that are very dangerous, let alone expensive, to try to basically increase the neurotransmitters that are naturally going down with time that we can help out in other ways.

Yeah. But we need, we need to know that that help is available. We need to understand that that’s what’s actually happening to our body. Otherwise, we justify it in other ways. Oh, my work’s just stressful and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It’s like, oh, you don’t know what’s actually happening to your body at age 42.

[00:27:00]

Do you? Yeah. Yeah. Well, so talk, let’s talk about the ways that you can increase the hormones and feel better without sort of using this self-medication tool that actually is making it significantly worse.

Yeah, so regular sleep, regular exercise, clean diet, like good food, not starving food. People our age grew up in the 90s.

Heroin chic was the supermodel. That is like the biggest piece of bullshit We are ever fed at very vulnerable times in our life, right? So, a lot of people our age don’t know how to eat to fuel our body because we were trained be as small as possible. And now what’s happening, we’re losing our muscle mass at a rate of one to 2% a year.

And we’re looking at the people playing pickleball when they’re 76. And we’re like, how do we, how do we be that person? Right? That person has to exercise regularly, it has to be a lifestyle, and they have to eat to fuel their body, which usually means  way more protein than you ever knew how to do.

[00:28:00]

So, it’s just like, you know, you have to relearn things when you stop drinking alcohol. You have to relearn things as an adult to be like, I want to get to 84 functionally. I want to be functional at 84. Right. So, I have to treat my body appropriately to get me there. I think our generation is looking at the boomers and the boomer’s parents and seeing aging happen poorly.

 

Yeah. And that’s why our generation’s like, what if there’s a different way to do this? And really we’re the first, you know, generation to actually prospectively try to do this well. Mm-hmm. And so, all of that, and, and a lot of that is hormones, right. And, you know, testicles by and large will last a man’s full life.

Not all man, about 20% will have low hormones ’cause of their testicles. But ovaries, they’re smaller. We outlive them by age 40 to 50. And we can, luckily we have amazing medical. We have medical care.

[00:29:00]

If your thyroid doesn’t produce what it needs, we can give it back. If your pancreas doesn’t produce what it needs, we can give it back.

If you don’t make enough vitamin D from the sun with your skin, we can give it to you. Same with hormones. They’re safe, they’re effective. And I, you know, I joke, but this is actually based in data. If there was a drug that a man could take between the ages of 50 and 60, and it helped him live on average two to three years longer, do you think every man would be on that?

Yeah. Yeah. It’s called estrogen. You know what’s interesting to me, and, and this is something that I sort of gave up, similar with alcohol, right? The vast majority of doctors drink and nobody wants to question their drug of choice, the one that they believe is fantastic. So, and I have done private coaching with so many doctors who are like, okay, I need to do this, but I need to do this quietly, right?

[00:30:00]

Mm-hmm. In terms of, I’m not willing to put myself out there as needing assistance to stop drinking, but doctors. Will communicate that quote unquote moderate drinking is healthy for you. I’ve had that happen. Or I’ve had doctors say to people who finally do the incredibly brave thing of talking about the fact they’re worried about their alcohol consumption.

 

I’ve had, you know, clients tell me that their doctors say to them, well, you’re not an alcoholic. So, you know, just cut back. Like, we’ve never tried that. But I also went to my doctor because I had heard fantastic things about hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and she was a woman in midlife and she literally told me that was a last resort because it increases your risk of breast cancer.

 

Not true, and I don’t believe that’s true, but I didn’t feel like arguing with her because I didn’t want to be that person who was like, well, I heard on a podcast that, yeah. Yeah. So, the majority up. But I also was like, I’m not going to talk to her about this ’cause she’s misinformed. She’s misinformed in, in America.

We have the grand privilege of seeing it, getting a second opinion if we want. Yes.

[00:31:00]

In Canada, at least in British Columbia, ’cause I’m close to British Columbia, you don’t get a second opinion. You get the doctor that was picked for you, and you get their knowledge and nobody else’s. So, like to me, I’m like, okay, America’s got issues, but you can at least get a second opinion here.

We’ve got online clinics now devoted specifically for midlife hormone care. So, you know, it’s, I mean, it’s always better to know that the person’s friendly to the idea and is educated on it. Not just friendly, but educated, you know? Yeah. They’re actually, I can believe she said that to me. Yeah. You know, wait, just give her a couple years.

You know, the, the, for male, male physic, I’m, I’m overly stereotyping, but I see this, when does the male physician start caring about midlife hormones? When his wife is affected by it. I’ve seen more male physicians turn around when they started living with somebody who was going through hormone changes, and then they’re like, oh my God, hormones are so important.

And we’re like, yeah, as is thyroid, as is insulin, as is. Are your testicles like destigmatize, the danger of things your body naturally makes?

[00:32:00]

Okay, so talk to us about hormone replacement therapy and what it can do and what the process is. Yeah, I mean, the first thing you really have to do is you have to de-stigmatize all of the stereotypes that it causes cancer, that it’s dangerous, that, that, oh, living 80 to 80 with 40 years of no hormones is natural, right?

No, it’s not. A life expectancy of 84 on a global scale is not natural. We are doing it because we’re aging in captivity. What does that mean? Clean drinking water. Excellent. Trauma care, excellent. Cancer care. We have great food supplies, right? We’re, we are safe in houses that we don’t freeze it ’cause of the elements anymore.

We’re basically living longer because we’ve created not natural environments. So, I like, like the myth of natural is a very strong, pervasive way to hold women down from seeking care in midlife. And I always like to call that out. It’s called the naturalistic fallacy. And people will do that with alcohol too.

 

They’ll be like, well, you know, alcohol’s been around for centuries and Oh my God, yes. Right.

[00:33:00]

Same thing. Same thing. Yeah. So, it’s like, oh, just because it’s natural or it’s been around forever, that means it’s good or preferred. Like, no, no, that’s not what that means. So, the average life expectancy in the 14 to 17 hundreds in Britain, this is the wealthiest people, the men who owned land.

’cause they actually wrote down when they died, because we didn’t have paper and pencils for everybody. 40, 47. Hmm. Right. That was the, the wealthiest males. Yeah. On average didn’t make it to 50 couple hundred years ago in Britain, 150 years ago in America, average life expectancy like 60, right. 55. Mm-hmm. So, yeah.

So, women didn’t live through, women didn’t live to 84. This is brand new. And so, when people are like, well, menopause is natural.

Absolutely. Absolutely it is. But we were never designed to live 40 years without any functioning hormones and hormones, turns out are very useful to the body. We have hormone receptors everywhere, ears, joints, brain, spinal cord, muscles, genitals, bladder, heart, like right?

 

[00:34:00]

It’s like everything has hormone receptors. So, when people are like, oh, I’ve got these 10 things that I’m noticing when I’m 47 years old, it’s like, no, it’s probably one thing, probably low hormones. Frozen shoulder is called the 51-year-old shoulder. What is frozen shoulder? And by the way, I’m very, very interested in this.

’cause I turned 50 in August, so I am good. We’ll get you some good care. Good. I need that. I need information. Let’s talk about, yeah, so really quick a capsulitis, it’s a, it’s basically an inflammation of the shoulder joint, which oddly happens around the age of 51. What else happens around the age of 51?

No hormones, right? So, estrogen in our joints helps protect our joints, helps decrease inflammation. Women who don’t take hormones have more osteoarthritis; they have more osteoporosis. What’s our number one risk? How say, yeah.

[00:35:00]

How do I want to say this? One in two women will suffer a fracture in her life, being on hormones In the women’s health initiative study, decreased risk of fracture by 50%.

No way. So, it won’t reverse, it won’t reverse clumsiness and gravity, like you’re still going to fall and some things might break, but it’s going to be a heck of a lot less bad than if you didn’t have hormones on board. So, what about genitals? Our pelvis became adult. We went through puberty. We grew labia menorah.

We grew, grew a functioning clitoris. We grew a vagina that can comfortably accommodate things because of hormones, estrogen, testosterone, and so as those go away, we get what we call genital urinary syndrome of menopause or GSM, dryness, decreased arousal, decreased orgasm pain with insertion. That pain at the six o’clock spot on the entrance to the vagina notoriously gets tight and dry because our skin loses its collagen, loses its elect elasticity, loses its blood flow because we’re losing hormones.

 

[00:36:00]

Very simple fix. Just give your pelvis some vaginal estrogen. Very cheap. It’s like $12 prescription. So, but women, so is that, is that topical in terms of vaginal? Yeah, estrogen. Yeah, it’s just skincare. Oh, wow, by the way, okay. In terms of not being ed educated, you said the six o’clock spot, so where is that?

 

Yeah, so if you think of the vagina or the vulva as an entrance to the vagina, right? Think of a clock, not a digital clock, but an analog clock. 6 o’clock’s at the bottom, right? Oh, got it. The six o’clock spot is the lower, the posterior vestibule is what the medical term is. So gets women will stop having sex.

They, one of the top reasons for divorce in midlife is lack of intimacy.

That’s insane. And, and what’s, what’s desire, right? Let’s talk about sexual desire. Sexual desire is very, very complex. I have, I have an entire book on it, right? It’s not just hormones, it’s not just a glass of wine, but by and large, there’s dopamine in the brain that’s produced on. Pursuing something that’s desirable.

 

[00:37:00]

Right. So, dopamine actually gets released when you’re headed towards or pursuing a desirable object. I’ll get dopamine in my brain when I’m going towards the ice cream. Not just getting the ice cream, but going towards the ice cream. What does that mean with sex? You increase your dopamine as you go towards something that’s desirable.

 

Many women are having non desirable sex and then beating themselves up for not desiring mushy broccoli and you know, overcooked chicken. Yeah. Yeah, so, so it’s a chicken and egg sort of thing. It’s like you will never desire moldy broccoli. Make sure that the, it’s a good meal, right? Yeah. Make sure your orgasms, I thought it was interesting that one of the big things I took away from your work on sex was that desire is not spontaneous.

It’s responsive. Mm-hmm. So many men are like, what? We should go right? Like, yeah, I want to have sex. You need to prioritize time. But didn’t get sex ed either to have sex. Yeah. Yeah. So, they didn’t get sex ed either.

 

Hollywood is wrong. Hollywood’s designed movies to like, again, like they glamorized drinking.

Right? Like we’re not trusting Hollywood at all at this point.

[00:38:00]

Yeah. So, men didn’t get sex ed either. Right? They didn’t understand that in order for something to feel good in your vagina, you have to have blood flow and arousal. First sex doesn’t start just by putting something in the vagina. The vagina’s like, is this a tampon? What is this? I’ve, you’ve given me no heads up, right?

Yeah. So, you’ve got to make sex worth desiring in the first place and understand that desire often happens during, and it can, for a lot of women. Desire for sex happens after sex. Like, oh my God, that was so great. I always forget how great that is. Let’s do that again soon, because that was just so great.

 

She’s desiring sex right after she had sex. Good sex, right? Not bad sex, good sex. You can’t, you can’t desire bad sex. And so many women are just having bad sex, but then they’re beating, and I think a lot, but they’re beating themselves up for not desiring bad sex, mental in advance. Like, you get in the mood by watching something or reading something or experiencing something like that makes you aroused. Or at least that’s me.

[00:39:00]

Yeah. So, sex is a very vulnerable thing. Right. That’s why a lot of people drink to deal with it. Yeah. Sex is very vulnerable. You have to tell your body that you’re safe. You have to be in a good, safe place for it. You shouldn’t just be thinking about sex at work or driving down the freeway or like those are not safe places to have sex.

 

So, you can work with that by getting your body in a sexual environment, in a sexual. Place what feels good. Do you need a warm bath first? You want to do some yoga?

You want. Do you want to read erotica? Visual erotica is very jarring and tends to be made towards the male gaze. And I, I also think doctors do a disservice for women.

You know, I just heard yesterday a woman’s, like a doctor wrote down three porn sites on a sticky note when I was complaining of low desire. No, they did. Yes, they did. Oh, so doctors, again, doctors don’t, I totally agree. Like, I am very into, and my friends make fun of me. I’m also very open to it. I’m very into what I call spicy romance.

[00:40:00]

Mm-hmm. And it’s awesome. Like, I’m reading it and my husband’s like, dude, what are you doing? I’m like, you’re welcome. You are, you’re putting your brain in a sexual context. It’s making you open to the idea of it. Right? Like you figured out the hack. So, I love you said that like, visually may not be the best way.

And a lot, again, because women tend to, we like to create the story in our brain, right?

So sometimes reading it or listening to it helps us be more creative than somebody just giving us an image of, this is what it needs to look like. Especially if that image wasn’t geared towards the female gaze and created for female pleasure. But yeah, I, I’m always very cautious about recommending erotica without any sort of background.

This is desire, this is blood flow. This is hormones because it can come across, and I find this in the doctor’s office, ’cause people tell me this all the time, it comes across as very tone deaf. So, she’s like, I’m, I’m like sharing my very private problem and you just told me to watch porn. Right? And, and if she doesn’t understand the role of getting in a sexual context to bring in blood flow, right, it’s going to look very tone deaf to her.

[00:41:00]

So that’s why I’m always, I never leave live with that because it can come across again, very kind of, yeah. Mm. Unthoughtful. Totally get that. Yeah. You’re saying that like there is a lot for her to understand about her body to have, you know, in my mind it’s also like self-compassion versus like, just do this.

We, yeah. I agree. And, and the just do this is, you know, that’s what, like, all these magazines are built on like top six ways to blah, blah, blah, is like everybody’s different man, like me, like man, I, I get in my body with yoga, right? So, it’s like after a half an hour of yoga, I’m like, ugh, or a full meal.

I like to be a little full. I like to be warm, right? I don’t like to be cold. So everybody’s got to figure out for them what their ideal situation is and like work towards creating that. And they also, I mean, in midlife, you get to come to the realization that women were dealt a very crappy hand sex education wise, right?

[00:42:00]

What do we call women who, like sex? Sluts? Sluts, who, what do we call women that don’t like sex? Prudes, prudes, frigid, right? Yeah. So, like you are literally damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Yeah. And so, this midlife is like, you have to come to the realization that you were given a very short stick.

And it’s an incredible opportunity to be like, what’s mine? What’s my sexuality? What do I like? How do I want this done? And people that can turn it from like looking like a chore to being like, listen girlfriend, nobody, nobody helped you out. Like this is a really an intense time to learn and create and craft and have it be yours.

And at the end of the day, that’s what great sex is. Yeah. Yeah. So, what are the ways to increase blood flow and all the things you talked about? You talked about yoga, exercise, eating. Well, Lube friction. Uh-huh. Friction can hurt, right? We don’t, we don’t desire friction. That hurts.

[00:43:00]

Everybody should use, use lube. Lube makes orgasms easier. Normalized lube. Lube doesn’t mean you’re a s select or a horror or a prude or anything, just, it just helps friction. So, lube vibration. Pelvis is incredibly sensitive to vibration. And now there’s several published medical studies looking at the role of vibration on blood flow and sexual health, which is wonder, it’s wonderfully validating of like, no vibrate.

And these aren’t just vibrators. You put in the vagina. There’s vulvar vibrators, there’s clitoral ones, there’s a whole different world of them. But vibration is great for blood flow exercise. Yes. The other thing that I think is awesome is that you now can get, you know, vibrators and all the things you talked about on, for example, amazon.com versus, I know that years ago you had to go into a sex shop to get that and there was a lot of stigma around it that, you know, I personally had as well.

I feel like now we’re talking about it more and also in midlife, women don’t give a shit as much. Oh yeah, totally.

[00:44:00]

I mean, sex is the, sex is the last frontier of personal growth, my friends, because it’s really coming to address like how’s your body image? How do you think about yourself as a sexual being?

Are you doing this for somebody else or are you doing this for you? Are you doing this to make somebody else happy, or do you get to be happy in this too? Right? Like there’s a lot of, yeah, and also somewhat, it feels like a transaction or a requirement in marriage or, yeah. You’ll never desire it. Then talked about lack of, lack of intimacy.

You know, I think one body image as you get to midlife is more difficult because everything you see is 25-year-old women as being desirable. Right? Oh yeah. Well, again, our society’s get, we sell things based upon sexuality, right? That is our marketing culture, and it’s fake and it’s airbrushed and it’s prioritizes youth, but like you have to be able to see that.

Like that’s the badass of being like, what the hell are we doing with these people’s bodies? We’re selling hamburgers with them. Like, that’s insane.

Yeah. Oh my God. These Instagram women who are like, just do what I do, and you’ll look great. And I’m like, dude, you’re 23. I looked great when I was 23, or I show looked a hell of a lot.

[00:45:00]

You know, more like your body, which is being portrayed as the ideal, you know, versus, well, it’s, I’ve two kids and I’m 50. Our culture erases aging, our culture erases aging, and at the same time doesn’t let you have hormones that actually help you age better. Like the paradox of our culture is completely messed up.

Hmm. Right. But again, hormones are going to help. Hormones help everything. Hormones, help erections hormones, help desire hormones, help blood flow hormones decrease pain hormones, increased dopamine. Right. But. Hormones are not the magical panacea. If your relationship sucks, if your body image sucks, if you’re over abusing alcohol, your, your sleep is shit and you don’t exercise, don’t expect your sex life to be this miracle, golden blooming plant.

 

Right. Of like, no, no. Everything else needs to be a great sex Life is just within a healthy lifestyle for most people.

[00:46:00]

Mm-hmm. And, you know, people are like, you’re overworked, you don’t sleep. Your stress is ridiculous. You don’t put yourself in a sexual context. You’re just doing it for somebody else and now you’re upset ’cause you don’t have desire for sex of like, look at the life that you want, the sex life to exist in. And, and frankly, I think a lot of people want stuff for not work. And it’s like nobody who has a good sex life by and large is like, oh, it was just easy. It just accidentally had this amazing sex life of like, it’s like being fit. And it’s a lot about communication with your partner, right?

Yes. Which, and prioritizing it. History of sex working one way. It’s sometimes hard to communicate or hard for your partner to understand why you need something different. That sometimes takes a shitload more time, you know what I mean? Especially like, but people are so, yeah, that’s faking orgasm is making it bad for everybody.

But it’s so funny. And how many people do it? So many people do it. So many people. And for various reasons. And also it’s like, dude, this is taking too long.

[00:47:00]

I’m just going to like, make it so we can be done. Well, that’s interesting, right? Because you’re like, do you rush through a great meal? Yeah. Do you want to rush through a great movie?

No. Why are you rushing through something that’s supposed to be innately pleasurable? And if you make it innate because your partner’s, like if you make it innately pleasurable or you actually set aside time for it, so you’re not bone dead tired when you get to it, right. Of like, we don’t rush through any, I wish this great movie was shorter order, right?

Like we don’t rush through pleasurable things. And so, when people are, I love it when you said tired too, because I had to communicate that like, look, first thing in the morning, not great after dinner, bedtime not great. Like, I’m like a mid-morning midday kind of girl. You, I’m a solid afternoon person, which, and for in case people think I’m like laying around all afternoon having sex, but it’s like prioritize the time you have for when you have energy and you don’t always have to say this is how it needs to go, but prioritizing time.

[00:48:00]

And by and large, all this experts say, save time for sex. Prioritize time, and it doesn’t have to be sex. It could be intimacy; it could just be naked. You could give a massage, whatever, but you’re prioritizing intimate connection time. It’s literally like universally, the sex experts are like, yes, do it because you think like, do you accidentally eat vegetables?

 

Do you accidentally work out? Like, are you accidentally a fit human? No, you’re prioritizing time to like make vegetables, eat vegetables, exercise, sleep well, like you’re prioritizing time to do that. If you want good sex, prioritize time to have a good sex life in your life. Like sex is not exceptional.

It’s just like everything else. But we have, because we didn’t get any education, we expect it to be this like easy gifted thing. There’s an amazing book called Magnificent Sex by Peggy Klein Plats. She basically researched, she was like, who at this university has amazing sex? And some people were like, I have amazing sex.

She’s like, great, can I interview you? So, she interviewed all these like amazing sex people. Zero of them say they have amazing sex ’cause they have desire for sex.

[00:49:00]

And the majority of women say, I have low desire for sex. And you’re like, so go have amazing sex. How are they doing? Prioritizing time, communication, body image, working on it.

 

Yeah. Willing to try and fail. Curiosity, trying new things. So, it’s like, it’s, it’s the exact same thing that anybody who’s good at anything else does practice showing up, try, communicate. But we’re like, oh, if only there was just, if, if only I had sexual desire. And it’s like, what are you doing to, to justify your sexual desire?

Like, are you having great sex? Go have great sex. One of the chapters in my, in my first book is called Fuck Desire because it’s, I love that because it’s like, dude, go have great sex work on that and like, and see somebody, see a specialist. If you’re having pain, if you’re having dryness, if you’re having arousal issues, there are sex medicine doctors that can help you.

And there are medications for desire, but they don’t work alone. If you’re overworked, aren’t sleeping, have a crappy diet, don’t exercise your relationship’s on the rocks. Like do not expect a medication for desire to work.

[00:50:00]

Hmm. Yeah. That’s super interesting. Well, so in terms of hormones, although you’ve said that is not a panacea for sex, although it can help also with that and also with, you know, your hormones and everything else in terms of physical health, how do you, and this is going to sound bad, but in terms of like, I spoke to my doctor, how do you get someone to prescribe it?

Do you know what I’m saying? Oh yeah. Well, you need to find somebody who cares. Mm-hmm. How do you do that? I would start with the online ones. If you, if you don’t have a clinic in town, or you can call the receptionist and say, does Dr. Dota blah blah, blah, deal with perimenopause and generally urinary syndrome of menopause?

And if they don’t know the answer to that, don’t pay for parking. Don’t take time off of work. Don’t sit in that clinic visit, like, know that they take care of that. My opinion is everybody should take care of that. This is 50% of humans. It’s ridiculous that not everybody takes care of this, but get Interlude is an online place for vaginal, estrogen, not broken as a code.

You can get 20% off. Alloy. What was it?

[00:51:00]

Get Interlude. Get Interlude is the, is the Instagram?

It might be, yeah. getinterlude.com. That’s specifically for vaginal estrogen. Alloy, Midi, EverNow, Gennev, those are all online hormone clinics, and they see most states.

That’s great. So, it’s like go to a place that cares, who already understands the science, who already understands the safety, like, and then, I tell women like, I’m sorry right now because of the role of social media, because of the role of podcasts, you might know more than your doctor does about this.

Yes. And I’m sorry that that’s the way it is, but until they catch up, but they are catching up, they’re getting trained in droves because they’re like, all these women are coming in asking for help. I need to know how to help them better. I need to get updated on what the actual science says, right? So, where it’s a really bottoms up way of changing the healthcare system, because, let’s be honest, top down takes 18 years for a published paper to actually trickle down into clinical medicine.

[00:52:00]

So, top down’s a very slow, slow moving boat. As it should be. There’s safety in that, right?

Mm-hmm. But the science on hormones and longevity is out and solid enough now that, and people don’t know this, the 2022 menopause guidelines, American menopause guidelines, for the average woman within 10 years of menopause, the benefit outweighs the risks. That is for medicine.

 

That is a strongly worded sentence. The benefits outweigh the risks. You have to notice someone who knows that publish guidelines.

Yeah, you got to know somebody who knows the publish the data. The other question I had about it, because obviously, you know, legislation funding insurance companies highly, highly dominated by men, it has insurance caught up in terms of covering this.

Oh, it’s getting worse. Seriously, I mean, what did you expect by answer to be, I know what’s interesting though, from so other countries, it’s getting much better. In the UK a woman’s yearly expenditure for hormones is like 16 pounds. It’s free in British Columbia. I think it’s free in Ireland now. And why?

[00:53:00]

These are single payer health systems that understand women leave the workforce with because of untreated hormone issues. They want women to stay on their job, in their job being productive, making money. So, they’re like, treat these women so they feel good, so they don’t quit their jobs. So, those countries are ahead of us now.

Our system is much more, you know, fractured. Yeah, but we know. Ee know women with untreated menopause, it’s a leading cause of people quitting their jobs. The leading cause of divorce, like this is not like, oh, it’s just a hot flash. Can you deal?

Yeah. By the way, hot flashes last on average 7 to 10 years and are associated with dementia and heart disease.

Pop flashes are not just benign simple things, but so Americas certainly is behind on the countries that say it’s either free or minimal cost because they understand the gain to society is so great. And these are gen, I mean, these are generic medications that have been around for decades. They should be incredibly cheap.

[00:54:00]

So, it’s still a struggle, especially with testosterone. Again, I’m headed to the FDA next week to basically demand a female dose testosterone product. So, lots of talk about lots are happening.

Do you have recommendations whether in your book or on your website about like in terms of advocating for yourself, here are the things you should ask about, or, here are the things. Yeah, that can help you because like testosterone, I wouldn’t even know what to like, be like, Hey, I’ve heard testosterone’s helpful. Can you get me some of that? You know?

Yeah. I mean, you want to go to, again, you want to know who, who your audience is. You want to go to somebody who knows how to prescribe. But, so in my new book, which is called The Menopause Moment Mindset, hormones and Science for Optimal Longevity, I have a whole chapter on testosterone.

I have a whole chapter on how to talk to your doctor, and I have a whole chapter on how to talk to men, because if men’s testicles fell off at age 51, there would be a national vaccine. Oh, everybody knows about Viagra as soon as it came out and it was covered, right? Because all the men are like, holy shit, this is awesome.

Yep. A hundred percent. 90% of people who take Viagra are heterosexual. Who’s helping? The women that the men with the Viagra are wanting to sleep with?

[00:55:00]

Yeah. Well, are they just going for younger women? Well, I mean, that’s a serious question, right? Because we’re so uneducated and undertreating our women in midlife, what’s happening?

Intimacy is ending in relationships. They get distant affairs happen. The woman never, never knew that menopause meant her hormones were low. Never knew that sex wasn’t supposed to be painful, painful. Never knew that orgasm equality is a thing, right? Because of lack of education. It has profound consequences.

 

Yeah. And again, and I don’t, and I frankly, I don’t think it’s a joking matter at all. Yeah. No, that is, that is completely fair and accurate. And the other thing I want to say is that like, don’t do this just for your partner. Do this for you because you are supposed to be happy and have fun and have pleasure in your life.

And you know, your partner won’t necessarily prioritize that for you.

[00:56:00]

Oh, well women give a lot of their power away.

Yeah. In thinking like, men should know how to make us orgasm, or men should know how the clitoris works. It’s like, they didn’t get a secret class in college. Right. They don’t. They can’t even practice.

They don’t even have the same body parts. So don’t give, they watch porn, they have no idea. They have this idea that if they do X, y, z, the woman’s going to, porn by and large is horrifically inaccurate Yeah.

Yeah. So, you do. It is your responsibility. Do not give away your power. And you are deserving, and you’re not broken.

 

I love that. I love that. What else should we know? About sex and midlife and perimenopause and menopause and hormones. What haven’t we covered that you want women?

Yeah, I mean I think you have to go back to the basics because you have to repeat it many times. Estrogen and hormones do not cause cancer. Alcohol causes cancer.

 

Like, what if everything you were taught is wrong? Right.

[00:57:00]

And that’s like the premise to, to my new book is like, what if everything you were taught about midlife was wrong? And what if you’re actually worse off because you were told wrong things, is you’ve literally got to retrain your body ’cause women, you know, the, the government has a cancer warning on vaginal estrogen, so women won’t use it. And, but they have no idea that alcohol causes breast cancer. Right.

So, it’s like, this is a, I’m sorry, it’s a backwards world. That’s why advocates like me are actually on podcasts and writing books ’cause we’re like, it’s insanity. But once women get the education and understand, and they advocate, I’m kidding you not, this is how we’re changing the world. I have 8 women now who’ve started businesses after starting on testosterone, like hormones help your brain. We have data that women on estrogen have decreased risk of all neurologic disorders.

Wow. That’s insane. And then it’s not being the, the communicated, the good news just doesn’t percolate out on media. Like fear percolates out on media.

[00:58:00]

So yeah. I’m actually like getting more frustrated now, thinking back at that conversation with my doctor that she was like, that’s a last resort because it causes breast cancer.

Like, just shut down my question. Yep. With incorrect information. And, and I, you know, I, I won’t blame doctors for this as much as the healthcare system that doctors have to operate in, but when you have 10 minutes to spend with somebody, curiosity goes out the door. Understood. You don’t have time to be curious.

Like it really does take people who are completely passionate and curious about this. Like me, I was like, does estrogen cause cancer? Let’s read all the papers. Let’s read the original WHI paper from 2002, which is free online for everybody to read. By the way, it’s just right there, and if you read it, estrogen doesn’t cause breast cancer.

So, like that’s what’s so insane. It’s like that information is freely available on the internet for everybody to read it. But you’re right. That’s why you go to an expert, right? If you are having issues with your eyes, you don’t go to, you know, a heart disease person or whatever it is, right? You have to find the expert and the specialist to help you.

[00:59:00]

Yeah, I mean, I think the work you’re doing is so important for women and the fact you have a podcast, and you go on podcasts because you’re right, this information isn’t widely available. And you know, women are busy. They have jobs, they have families, they have responsibilities. They’re taking care of aging parents.

And so, they don’t have time to go read a white paper. Right?

Yeah. So, you’re boiling it down to information that is easily digestible and actionable. Yeah, and I mean, I always like to say like, you literally don’t have to take my word for it. All the resources are in the book. Like all. To me, I’m like, people are like, in your opinion, I’m like, it’s kind of my opinion, but it’s kind of just science that’s already published like multiple times, right?

It’s not like, I’m not like making this up because I read the stars. It is like I just had an innate curiosity to get to the truth of what actually is female sexual health, what actually is the deal with hormones? And to me, I’m like, this is 50% of the population.

Yeah. This is like, it’s insanity. Again, going back to your doctor’s appointment, it’s like primary care doctors, they all should be able to handle this.

[01:00:00]

This is 50% of the population. This is not rare, but we to understand we got two decades where people did not get trained. Yeah. Yeah. You got to advocate for yourself and find, you have to advocate for yourself and, and you can communicate.

 

Alright. Thank you so much. I think this is an amazing conversation.

You have provided such great information, and I want to encourage anyone listening to this to go deeper to read the books that Dr. Kelly has written and listened to our podcast.

So, can you tell us where to find you, where people can learn more?

Mm-hmm. So, I hang out on Instagram @kellycaspersonmd, the website’s kellycaspermd.com.

The podcast is ,You Are Not Broken. The first book is You Are Not Broken: Stop Shoulding All Over Your Sex Life.

And the second book is the Menopause Moment Mindset: Science and Hormones for Optimal Longevity.

Thank you so much. Thank you for this conversation. Thank you for taking the time to come on.

You’re very welcome. Thanks for having me.