SUMMARY KEYWORDS

drinking, navigate life, stepmom, stepmoms, bonus mom, step parents, parents, blended family, family, step families, step kids, step children, relationship, relationships, mom, discipline, alcohol, sobriety, stop drinking, stopping drinking, quitting drinking, sober, sober coaches, resonate, recovery, alcohol-free, stopped drinking, support

SPEAKERS: Casey McGuire Davidson + Cameron Normand

00:02

Welcome to the Hello Someday Podcast, the podcast for busy women who are ready to drink less and live more. I’m Casey McGuire Davidson, ex-red wine girl turned life coach helping women create lives they love without alcohol. But it wasn’t that long ago that I was anxious, overwhelmed, and drinking a bottle of wine and night to unwind. I thought that wine was the glue, holding my life together, helping me cope with my kids, my stressful job and my busy life. I didn’t realize that my love affair with drinking was making me more anxious and less able to manage my responsibilities.

In this podcast, my goal is to teach you the tried and true secrets of creating and living a life you don’t want to escape from.

Each week, I’ll bring you tools, lessons and conversations to help you drink less and live more. I’ll teach you how to navigate our drinking obsessed culture without a bus, how to sit with your emotions, when you’re lonely or angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, how to self soothe without a drink, and how to turn the decision to stop drinking from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life.

I am so glad you’re here. Now let’s get started.

Hi There.

Today we are talking about

navigating the challenges of a blended family as a stepmom.

 

My guest is Cameron Norman.

[00:01:31]

She’s the CEO of Stepfamily Solutions and the host of the Stepmom Diaries podcast through her coaching courses magazine. An event, she’s helped thousands of stepmoms and stepfamilies navigate their blended family lives. She also runs the premier stepfamily coach academy, which certifies stepfamily coaches through research and expert backed curriculum.

 

[00:01:55]

She’s been featured on CBS, Los Angeles, the CW Austin, and in the cut business insider CNET, Kiplinger’s, Scary Mommy, and the today parenting team.

So Cameron, welcome.

Thank you. I’m excited to be here.

Yeah, I’m excited too. I mentioned to you before we jumped on that. I’ve definitely heard from my audience who are stepmoms or in blended families who are challenged sometimes in navigating that whole experience.

 

[00:02:29]

Because I know it comes with a lot of joys, but also a lot of challenges. Absolutely. It can be it’s, it’s super fulfilling because you’ve like found your person.

Right. But then there are all these other complications that you don’t expect. And I think, 1 of the things that I hear most from the stepmoms and stepfamilies I work with is like, hey, we figured that it would be hard, but we just had no idea, well, will you share with us what are a few of the things that are really hard that either surprise people or they don’t think it’ll be as difficult as they imagined.

Yeah, absolutely. And I’ll, I’ll use some of my experience as to reference. So, I mean, I think 1 of the biggest things is, you hear this term instant family, right?

[00:03:14]

Like, you’re marrying or moving in with someone who has kids and. Like, I guarantee so many step families, like, the first thing that their friends and family will say is like, oh, you’re getting an instant family. And so, even though they might think that things would be challenging, there is sort of in the back of their head, like, okay, so I have this instant family, like, we’re going to, at least in my case.

[00:03:37]

I had grown up with divorced parents. I kind of knew what a high conflict divorce, and stepfamily looked like, and I sort of figured, I knew what, what to expect, I had no idea and, and getting into it, like I had these visions of like, we’re going to do family game nights and, I’m going to.

[00:03:55]

Make this amazing like Martha Stewart level Thanksgiving dinner, and it’ll be awesome. And you know some of the things that I found that I think a lot of the stepmoms I work with also have found Is that you know the kids may like you, but they may not be excited you’re there and that’s kind of a hard feeling to experience because if you’re like me, I mean I I’m like, what do you mean?

[00:04:21]

Why don’t you like me? Like, I’m nice, and your partner’s ex, the kid’s mom may not be excited you’re there. And even if their relationship is not high conflict, it’s complicated, right? Like. She may feel threatened by you as a stepparent and and I say this to stepmoms all the time and they’re like But how could she feel threatened?

[00:04:43]

She’s mom and I’m like because that’s the nature of this relationship It is another person coming into your child’s life in an ideal world Mom would be super excited about another person that loves the kids. Right? But like it’s also it also feels a little threatening you add in any kind of high conflict situation and That’s another big challenge that a lot of people don’t expect, like how can my partner’s ex hate me?

 

[00:05:11]

She doesn’t even know me. Well, doesn’t matter.

Yeah. So, I mean, they’re just, there are a lot of different things that come up that I think stepmoms and step parents just really don’t expect when they get into blended family life, and I think even when you don’t necessarily expect it to be all roses and unicorns, you sometimes don’t expect some of the complications that can come up.

 

[00:05:35]

I mean, even little things like, I was surprised that it was so hard to get the kids school to put me on emails, and it, that kind of stuff happens with like schools and doctor’s offices. And, you may be having, you may have the kids full time as a step mom or even 50 percent of the time and taking them to all kinds of appointments.

[00:05:56]

And just like being part of that process can be really hard to get the providers to like add you in. Why would they struggle with that? Since you’re married to the father, is that is that an issue?

Some of it is just the way that their rules are structured.

So, like, when my husband and I got married, he went ahead as soon as we got married and did the power of attorney so that I never had to worry about being able to pick the kids up from school or taking them to the doctor’s appointments.

[00:06:32]

But, as a step parent, your, a better word, to do anything with the kids in terms of taking them to appointments or your kind of rights with the kids. All of that comes from your spouse. Like, you don’t have rights with the kids. You don’t have a right to go pick them up from school. And so, if a school or doctor’s office has rules in place about, like, we’re going to release information to the parents.

 

[00:06:55]

Do they consider step parents, parents?

 

Sometimes, sometimes not. And sometimes teachers may just be, they may know mom and dad, and they just may be used to emailing them and they’re not, they don’t remember to email you. There may not be any kind of malintent. It’s just sort of the structure of the situation.

Yeah, absolutely.

So, in that case, maybe the power of attorney is a good, is a good solution to take away some part of that. I mean, I think it’s smart. I never really had to, like, get it out and show anybody, but I think it’s a good thing to have just for some peace of mind. And, all of those things over time can contribute to stepmoms feeling a little less than.

[00:07:38]

And I don’t know, having that, having the power of attorney maybe just helps a little bit with that. What about if you come in with your own children? I could assume that that would be even more challenging in terms of how you treat your children versus your stepchildren. Do they get along?

[00:08:00]

Your, new partner disciplining versus you disciplining, like when you’re working with stepmoms, how, how does that play out or when, what are some of the biggest hurdles?

 

Oh, yeah, absolutely. That’s a challenge. And it is it’s something that you really have to navigate carefully when you’re both bringing kids in.

[00:08:21]

Because, especially if the kids don’t get along, and that can be really challenging, but you mentioned discipline. And I think that that’s an interesting point to talk a little bit about because one of the other things I hear from stepmoms a lot, whether they are bringing kids in or not, but we’ll take, let’s take the childless and then I can talk about when they bring kids in.

 

[00:08:39]

But for the stepmom who comes in without her kids, a lot of times you’ll hear like, Oh, I just want some order in my house. And, these kids are used to doing whatever they want, at mom’s house or that they did whatever they want before I was in the picture. And, we just, we need to have some rules.

 

[00:08:54]

And like in my house, this is not how we’re going to do it. And they have these sort of very definite opinions about discipline. And what I would say is like, figuring out the rules that you want to have in your own house is great, but it needs to be your partner who disciplines the kids. Like, step parents should never come in and be a disciplinarian until they have a really solid bond established with the kid.

[00:09:19]

It just does not go well. And that can feel weird for their partner because their partner may feel like, oh, I have to always be the bad cop. That’s not fair. Sorry, it’s not fair. But that is if you want a chance at being able to establish a bond between the step parent and the child, they should not engage in any kind of discipline.

 

[00:09:39]

Now, when you’re both bringing kids into the situation, it can be challenging, right? Because You parent different kids parent differently, and you kind of have to sort of accept that in your household.

So, like, if you’re coming in with a child who is used to, they have wheat bread on their sandwiches for lunch, and that’s all they have and then, your partner’s child is allowed to have whatever bread they want. You’re going to, that’s going to be a different decision for each kid, and it’s going to be based on how you each parent. The discipline thing, it can get complicated because you’re all in the same household, but it really should be the, the parent who’s doing the discipline to allow the step parent the time and space to bond with the kid.

[00:10:30]

If that makes sense. Yeah, absolutely. And, I know that between myself and my husband we’ve been married 22 years, but with. Our own kids, we have different expectations of the kids. We have different levels of letting things go, especially when they were younger.

[00:10:50]

I’m pretty laid back and he’s way more rigid in his expectations of, how often the kids will watch the iPad and how helpful they’ll be. And, all that kind of stuff. And we get tense about it and annoyed with each other.

Oh, yeah, totally. And it’s hard for kids to understand that, too. I mean, I can’t tell you how many times, like, the, one of the younger kids would be like, well, I don’t understand why I can’t stay up until 10 o’clock because she’s staying up till 10 o’clock.

[00:11:19]

And it’s like, she’s 5 years older than you are. So, like, yes, sorry. She has different rules, and you do. I mean, I think whether you’re a step parent or a biological parent or whatever, like different kids have different roles based on their ages, their, ability to handle responsibility and, all the different things.

[00:11:36]

And I think with the step family, that’s the only difference is that it’s different roles kind of based on the parent, yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. And I can imagine, I mean, bringing a family together. That involves every, every piece of something that could cause conflict, right? You’ve got financial arrangements with someone who used to be married to someone else that maybe is taking away from your own income and ability to spend money.

[00:12:06]

I’ve heard that from various stepmoms that, the alimony. Money is a point of resentment, possibly especially if they’re coming in without their own alimony, the kids not getting along the kids resenting you and sort of disrespecting you. I’ve heard that that’s a big issue.

And also, like, the relationship with your spouse and their expectations about how you’re going to treat their kids and vice versa.

[00:12:35]

Yes, all of the above. And, I would say like, With the spouse, I mean, the best thing that you can do if you’re marrying someone with kids and either you don’t have kids or you’re both bringing kids in is to sit down and have some really honest, really open conversations as early as possible about all of those things, right?

[00:12:57]

Like, the finance piece you mentioned is hugely important. I mean, I think a lot of people, it may not even be that step mom is resenting that. Her spouse has to pay alimony. It may be that, like, in the divorce decree, a lot of stuff isn’t necessarily addressed, right? Like, who’s going to buy cell phones, who’s going to pay for cars or insurance, or who’s going to pay for college.

[00:13:19]

And so, when that stuff kind of comes down the pike. What is the step parents responsibility? Like, do they feel an obligation to help cover any of that stuff? Do they not want to cover any of that stuff? How are they going to handle, blending finances? Are they going to blend? I mean, they’re just so many questions.

[00:13:34]

And I think, having some of those upfront conversations around, finances and what you’re envisioning. Your life together is going to look like it’s a lot different than when a first family is coming together, right? Like, there are just so many complicating factors that first families don’t necessarily have.

[00:13:53]

Yeah, and is that terminology? Talk to me about the terminology that we should, or that you think we should be using about the stepmother, blended family, all of that first families you mentioned. I actually hadn’t heard that term before.

 

Yeah, I think it’s, it’s a little bit of a term of art in the step family space just because it’s that is, I mean, first family is sort of what, if you’re like, first wife, first husband, right?

Like, if you’re in a step family, like there was a first family. But yeah, I mean, I think that’s, that’s at least how I refer to it now.

Yeah. For my friends that have been married for 25 years, and that’s their only, spouse. Like, I don’t know that I would call them a first family. It’s really only in the context of, if you’re, but if you’re comparing the two, then yes, it’s the first family and they have different dynamics than a step family does in terms of, it’s interesting with some of the terminology around step families, because I know there are some step moms that really don’t want to be called step mom.

 

[00:14:53]

They want to be called bonus mom. I don’t know that I really care. I mean, for my own, We kind of have tried out both at the beginning when Craig and I first, we’re engaged and I don’t know that I really had a strong preference either way. I mean, I think there’s obviously a little bit of a, there’s a little bit of a subtext around step mom.

 

[00:15:13]

I think, thanks Disney, right? With like, the evil step mom and all of that. I mean, I hope that some of that will fade. You mentioned that going in to a relationship at the beginning, it’s both really important to work out with your spouse, what the agreements are, what the expectations are between the 2 of you, between parenting, between finances, and then again, it’s important to give yourself time to bond with your stepchildren.

[00:15:48]

And do you have sort of, Since you’re a coach, a format or a template or were things that you recommend are part of that discussion or those best practices.

[00:16:00]

Yeah, for sure. And I will say it’s sort of 2 things can be true. I think it’s really important to have those conversations. I also think. Very few people do and so by the time people find me They’re like knee deep in the muck of it all and they’re like, oh my god.

[00:16:19]

My life is miserable I’m crying on the bathroom floor every night. Like, I’m overwhelmed and emotional I don’t understand how this took over my life and so it’s And it and not having those conversations is not the only thing that has gotten them to that place, but I think it’s important to have them up front.

[00:16:38]

But if you haven’t had them up front, which I would say, probably, like, 85 percent of families just don’t and that number is not based on anything other than, like, anecdotal evidence. But, it’s not too late to have a lot of those conversations. And so, where I usually start with a stepmom is, I’ll have her talk to me and I can you know Give her worksheets and stuff to talk through like what did you think that family life was going to look like?

[00:17:05]

when you became a stepmom like what how what did you imagine and What is it actually looking like? And let’s talk about the difference and let’s grieve the difference because, like, it’s okay to be upset that things aren’t looking like you thought they were going to look and acknowledging that and kind of sitting with that for a minute makes it a little easier to move past that and then to talk, then to have some of the conversations about like, okay, this isn’t what I thought it was going to look like, these are the things that we’re not communicating about that need to be addressed.

 

[00:17:43]

These are the things I’m seeing with my relationship with the step kids. These are the things I’m seeing with the ex and then kind of, working through whether those are issues you can actually impact or if they’re issues that you need to kind of figure out what’s in your control and let go of some of the rest.

 

[00:18:03]

Or if there’s a time when you need to sort of say, I’m going to set some boundaries and take a step back and like, let some of this go, yeah.

Yeah. And I can imagine that as you’re bringing that to your partner, there would be a certain amount of defensiveness on their side and on your side because it’s difficult, right?

[00:18:23]

In all the way around. A hundred percent and, 9 times out of the 10, the partner feels really guilty about all of it because they know you’re having a hard time. And they, especially if they’ve got a high conflict ex, that’s causing a lot of problems. They feel bad about that because they’re kind of feeling like, oh, my gosh, I met this person.

[00:18:43]

I’m so in love with her. And, we’ve got this great relationship, but I have brought her into this situation. That is pure chaos. And like, I feel, they feel bad about that.

Yeah. And I think, having that kind of expectations conversation, I love the idea of, a step parent sort of having that internal dialogue, but then also posing that question to their spouse, like, hey, when we were getting married.

[00:19:09]

What did you think this was all going to look like? What did you think my role was going to look like? Like, how did you think this was going to go? And then both of you talking about, like, how different it may be, and kind of bring a little closure to that, and then you can kind of move on and deal with, like, what’s actually, what’s happening, yeah, that’s a great suggestion. And it’s also sort of an easier way to broach the subject versus coming in with the issues you’re experiencing. Totally. Because it’s, it, it helps keep them from, they are, I mean, it is defensive. If you come in and you say, these are the 10 things that are happening that are making me crazy.

That’s probably not going to work for them. Go well, yeah. It’s just from a communication standpoint. It’s much better to come in with like, things are just like, let’s can we have a conversation about things just look really different than I thought they were going to. And I don’t know.

[00:20:03]

I love, Julie and John Gottman. I don’t know if you’re familiar with them, but they have a lot of late. Yeah, they’ve done all the research on, conflict and relationships, and I think they have some fantastic ways to talk about things with your partner that work really well in step families too.

 

 

Casey McGuire Davidson 

Hi there. If you’re listening to this episode, and have been trying to take a break from drinking, but keep starting and stopping and starting again, I want to invite you to take a look at my on demand coaching course, The Sobriety Starter Kit®.

 

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[00:20:18]

Yeah, I’ve had a couple of different conversations that hit on the work that got men’s do. And I also interviewed someone who is both a got men therapist, but also well versed in marriages after. A partner quits an addictive substance or stops drinking or whatever, and it’s really interesting because a lot of women listening to this or either have quit drinking are trying to or are sober curious.

[00:20:49]

And I think, any kind of conflict or resentment or stress. Overwhelm is a trigger to tune out by drinking and, when you’re talking about someone sort of crying on the floor, I know that that another way that some women deal with this is to drink a bottle of wine and then there may be conflict around that with your spouse as well.

[00:21:17]

Oh, 100 percent 100%. And I think, there’s a lot that can happen in step family life that can be triggering in many different ways, and the sense of sort of perpetual overwhelm and a lot of stepmoms can feel like they’ve sort of lost their identity. And I think that that can be a trigger too, because it’s like you settle down with this person.

[00:21:42]

You’ve met the love of your life. You’re so happy, but you’re so desperately trying to make it all work and hold it all together and be the perfect step mom and, measure up to what you think it is that you’re supposed to be doing. I mean, I know our first year of step family life. I was so perpetually stressed, just like trying to make sure that I showed up at every practice, every, game, throw the perfect Pinterest perfect birthday parties with the themes and the things and, and Craig told me over and over again, he’s like, the kids don’t expect like these Pinterest board birthday parties.

[00:22:16]

Like, you’re being a little over the top here. Don’t you think? And I’m like, no, no, it has to be perfect. Like, I put so much pressure on myself and ultimately, like, that’s not sustainable. And can trigger you for all kinds of different things if that’s a sensitive area, I know from my experience as a parent.

[00:22:34]

The other thing that is triggering about that is when your kids are not, grateful and appreciative of all the effort you put out there. I mean, kids, it’s humbling depending on I mean, I think no matter what age they are. trying to connect with them, trying to do the right thing. And, at every age, kids can decide to push you away.

[00:22:57]

But when you put in that amount of effort, that’s difficult as well. And it’s hard when you don’t have that biological tie to them, right? So like that rejection feels even more acute. And I mean, I have to remind step parents all the time, like, if they do something and it’s not appreciated, it’s like, is that, An issue because of the stepfamily dynamic, or is that an issue because of the kids age, like if you’re dealing with a 13 year old, I’m sorry, they’re not, they’re not going to say thank you.

[00:23:27]

They’re going to like grunt at you and like go to their room. That’s probably an age situation. There may be some stepfamily stuff in there too, that exacerbates it. Sure. But like, you have to really kind of understand that like, kids are hard and they’re not, As an adult coming into it, especially if you don’t have your own kids, you may sort of assume that all of this effort is going to be appreciated.

And it may be appreciated, but it may not be recognized.

Yeah. Yeah. You have to ask how old were the kids in your family when you came into their lives? Yeah. They I have 4 step kids. They were 8 to 14 when we got married.

Yeah, yeah. And so, I assume you’ve worked with, with people who have come in when the children were toddlers and also when they were further along in high school.

[00:24:15]

I know from being a parent, that’s a very different workload. In terms of there’s a time when you are just the chauffeur driving them everywhere, there’s a time when they want to be completely independent and there’s a time when they’re toddlers that it’s just mentally and physically exhausting.

[00:24:32]

Yes. And that is, that is also true in step family life. Like it’s, I always tell people, I’m like, just wait until they get their driver’s license. It is such a game changer. Oh, my God. Yeah. My son is 16 now, but about a year ago, he got his license and it has been game changing. In my life, like huge, my daughter’s 10 and it helps with her as well.

[00:24:56]

You can send him to the grocery store. You can have him drive her to camp in the summer, all that kind of good stuff. And I don’t know if he’s like, I mean, my stepdaughter, when she got her license, it was like, anytime we needed something from the store, she’s like, I’ll go, I’ll go. Cause she was like, great, go for it.

[00:25:13]

Yeah, no, it was amazing. I think he went to the grocery store every week for the first 2 months and I was like, this is awesome.

Yeah. Well, so, tell me what some of the really great things are about being a stepmom coming into a blended family, whether you have are bringing your own kids to the marriage or not.

 

[00:25:35]

Yeah. I mean, it’s such a good question because I think so often when I get interviewed, we’re focusing on all of the really, really hard things about step family life. And there are a lot, but I have found that it’s also really rewarding.

 

I think for starters, you, you found your person and you’ve got that great love. I mean, I think that’s a huge part of your life that is easy to take for granted, especially when things are crazy, but it’s worth remembering that, like, that’s there. And I have. I really loved the influence that I have been able to have on these kids’ lives. I don’t have kids of my own. We tried my first couple of years of marriage, but it was not, we went through multiple IVF rounds and it was just not in the cards.

[00:26:17]

And so, this is my family and I, it has meant so much to me. My youngest stepson has special needs and we’ll, we’ll sit at dinner and he’s 16 now and we’ll be at dinner sometimes and he’ll just look at me and he’ll be like, Cammy G, I love you. And that’s what he, that’s what the kids call me, is Cammy G.

[00:26:36]

And it just like makes my heart warm, it just like, I want to burst and it’s, it’s just the best feeling to be able to have that and to be able to also be another good influence in these kids’ lives. Like my. I helped my stepdaughter with her college essays, which was not for the faint of heart.

[00:26:56]

I will just say, and before she gave me her essay to read over, she told me that she’d written it about me. And I was like, what? And I just honestly, like, I wanted to cry. I mean, it was just the sweetest and most cherished thing to know that I had meant that to her that she had had chosen to write about me for her essay.

[00:27:19]

And so, the chance to be able to be that has been something that, I would never trade.

Yeah, and I can imagine just if you are in the early stages or the hard stages of this, just keeping in mind that things change over time and relationships evolve.

Yes, they, and they do. And I always like to tell people, kids are only kids until they’re 18 and it doesn’t mean that they then get out of the house and you’re not dealing with them because that’s, you’re, they’re always kids, right?

[00:27:52]

Like, they’re always. There is an age where the relationship with them changes, and you can have more of an adult relationship, and so, it is sometimes it’s just gutting it out those 18 years and getting to that point, depending on the dynamic. But, yeah, I mean, it’s. It definitely evolves and changes and you have to, especially when you’re dealing with the really tough stuff, like, if there’s a high conflict ex, or if the kids are being poisoned against y’all at the other house or whatever.

[00:28:27]

You do have to really just play the long game and know that, like, at a certain point, the kids are going to be out on their own there. Their brains are going to develop in their twenties, fully develop, and they’re going to be able to reflect on their childhood. And what do you want them to think about?

[00:28:43]

How do you want them to how do you want that relationship to look when they’re adults?

Yeah. What are some of the things that your partner should be taking care of? If there is a high conflict situation with the, the biological mom or the ex. What do you mean? Just like, obviously, as a step mom, you have limited ability to influence that, but you mentioned like poisoning the kids against you or lashing out at you.

[00:29:19]

What, what are the steps that your spouse could or should take, even if they aren’t?

Yeah, that’s a, that’s a good question. And it can be a very difficult situation. I would say if, if the ex is targeting you directly, that you should set some boundaries and remove yourself from as much contact with her as possible so that you are not in a situation where you can be targeted.

[00:29:47]

If the ex is, saying stuff to the kids or trying to turn them against y’all, those are conversations that I wouldn’t necessarily. And again, I should have the disclaimer that every situation is very, very different. But in general, I don’t know that I would necessarily have your partner take that on with the ex, because if it’s a high conflict situation, that just leads to more high conflict.

[00:30:11]

But, there are things you can do with the kids that are age appropriate, like, if Johnny comes home and says, mom says you’re a real jerk. Well, I’m sorry you had to hear that, Johnny. Do I seem like a jerk to you? And you can, you can do some things like that, that like, don’t make Johnny feel like he’s in the middle of mom and stepmom or mom and, and dad or whatever.

[00:30:34]

But that, kind of diffuse it a little bit. And I think the most important thing is to not talk poorly about mom in front of the kids. There is what’s called, a loyalty bind where kids, even when the relationship is good, have this weird tension between houses and especially between mom and stepmom.

[00:30:55]

I mean, they, a lot of times they, they don’t know if it’s okay to like stepmom, and especially if it’s a high conflict situation. If mom’s not really giving them permission to like stepmom, They aren’t going to and that’s where you’ve got to like, play the long game and eventually they’ll kind of figure out what’s what.

[00:31:12]

But you never want it. You never want to get into a situation where Johnny comes home and says, mom says you’re a real jerk. And then, you say, yeah, well, mom’s a real jerk for X, Y, and Z reasons. Like, you don’t want to do that because that just makes him feel bad. You want to keep it out of the kids world as much as possible.

[00:31:29]

So, I mean, sometimes that means, like, you don’t go to pickups and drop offs as a step parent, because you want to keep that separation. You don’t want to expose yourself to anything. If the ex is particularly hostile, like, there’s no reason you need to go, it’s sort of figuring out what some of those boundaries are that you might need to set.

[00:31:49]

Working with your partner to make sure that they are comfortable. I mean, they don’t necessarily need to give you permission to set the boundaries, but, like, you would hope that they’re comfortable with you not wanting to go to the pickups and drop offs or whatever that looks like, and they may need to set some boundaries around communication.

[00:32:07]

I mean, there are lots of situations where, texts are coming in late at night, really long texts and maybe. Your partner says, you know what, I’m not going to respond, to texts more than once a day. And this is what it’s going to look like. And, there are things you can do around that as well.

[00:32:25]

Yeah, but it’s hard. It’s really hard when it’s high conflict because usually they know what buttons to push to get a reaction and vice versa. And, sometimes you have to look and say, like, is she the high conflict one? I mean, maybe she is, but maybe she’s not, yeah, yeah, or it could be your spouse being the one who’s directing most of the conflict and causing that tension totally.

And you really, most of the people that come to me, it’s the X. But I mean, it’s, it depends on every situation and there have been times when I’m like, yeah, you might check that reaction.

[00:33:00]

Yeah, well, so what kind of support should people seek? Regardless of whether it’s high conflict or not, because I, I can imagine that the emotions and the challenges even not in a high conflict situation are difficult to navigate.

[00:33:20]

They are, and I, I know, like, when I became a step mom, I didn’t even know that there were resources out there. I mean, I did look and there weren’t as many then as there are now, but I think, definitely, like, find someone who has some expertise in step family issues, not necessarily just the person that you see talking on tick tock or Instagram.

 

[00:33:43]

Because I think that there are some really great coaches out there who have been trained and kind of understand what the research says about step families and is going to give advice based on that, not just based on their experience. Right? Like, I think it’s sort of the same in the parenting space, right?

[00:33:59]

Like, you have people that are out there just like yelling about their experiences, but aren’t necessarily giving the best advice. So, I think it’s important to find somebody that like, really, not just understands, but has kind of that expert backed experience and, and training. But, so much of step family life for, for stepmoms is feeling lonely.

 

[00:34:23]

And I think it’s just really important, whether it’s a coach, whether it’s a therapist, whether it’s your friends, but to find a community that understands what you’re going through and that you can talk to about stuff.

Yeah, I think that’s so important in all areas. I mean, I, especially when you are going alcohol-free or quitting drinking or struggling with it.

 

[00:34:45]

I know that’s very similar. I needed to find a community of women or people who understood how I was feeling, what was hard, what wasn’t hard, what, what I needed support in, what were triggers.

[00:35:00]

Who got it, right? Because you could talk to your best friend, but if they’ve never struggled with drinking, or if they’re deep in, in love with alcohol and drinking too much, that’s not the right support person for you 100 percent and I know, I think it’s like that for stepmoms too, like, I know I had a couple of friends that I talked to early on that were not step parents and some of the stuff that they would say to me, like, would hurt my feelings and they didn’t mean to, they thought they were being supportive, but I think having a community of women who understand what you’re going through, whatever that looks like, whether it is with drinking, whether it’s with step parenting or whatever It’s just really important.

 

[00:35:41]

Yeah. So, how can you find a coach who is trained and well versed in that or a therapist or a group? If someone’s listening to this and doesn’t know where to start?

Yeah. Well, I have a list on my website of coaches that have been trained through my program, which is expert and research based and was developed in conjunction with a number of step family experts in our area.

[00:36:08]

So, they can certainly go to stepfamilysolutions.com and get a list of our coaches. For therapists, I think, it’s funny when you look at a therapist website. A lot of times they’ll be like, we do marriage and family counseling, or we do this and they don’t. mention stepfamily stuff, because it’s just such a unique thing.

 

[00:36:28]

So, I mean, I think it’s really finding a couple of different therapists that you can interview and really asking them about their experience working with stepfamilies. And if you’re and I think therapy is a wonderful tool. My family. We are all in therapy, and I just think that it’s really helpful no matter what you’re going through in life, but especially with step family dynamics.

 

[00:36:55]

It is really important that you find a therapist that has experience working with step families. And not all of them do, and it can be the advice is just different. I mean, like, we were talking about it’s just a different dynamic and not all therapists have had that training.

 

Yeah, I can imagine, I did an episode with Amanda White, who is from Therapy For Women and also wrote, Not Drinking Tonight. And I’ll link that episode to the show notes here.

[00:37:26]

But the idea was. that so many of us feel bad seeing a therapist and then quote unquote “breaking up” with them or cheating on them or, it’s like your hair stylist, right? You, you somehow feel guilty. I’ve gone to different salons because I didn’t want, like, my hair stylist to see I was someone else.

[00:37:46]

Right. It is really important to, and you can state up front that you’re talking to a number of different therapists to find the right fit and making sure that they understand you. And so, in that episode, 1 of the things that she lists out are sort of red flags and green flags for when you were talking to a therapist.

[00:38:00]

And I think no matter who you’re talking to, that could be really useful.

Yeah, absolutely. And, and I think with coaches to, like, I. I love working with clients who like, at our initial discovery call, tell me that they’re talking to different coaches to figure out the right fit. Because to me, that means they’re serious about it.

And, I think that to the extent you can do that and find, find the coach that understands and has that kind of expert based knowledge, but also that’s going to be the best fit with you. I mean, the person and it’s like the women that I train in my program to coach, like, somebody that wants to work with me isn’t necessarily going to want to work with them.

[00:38:47]

Someone that wants to work with 1 of them isn’t going to be my person. Like, there are coaches and therapists out there for everybody.

Yeah, I feel the same way with sober coaches. I mean, everyone’s going to relate and connect with someone’s different personalities, whether it’s the way they listen, the way they offer advice, the structure, or just their life experience that you resonate with.

 

[00:39:11]

Yeah, totally. And it’s important to find somebody that you have that rapport with, because this is somebody that’s going to be giving you advice on some of the most intimate things in your life, so it’s important that you have that rapport.

Yeah, how would you find a group of other stepmoms who resonate with you or who you can, who you can get support from?

 

[00:39:36]

I mean, I think you can always start with Google and there are a number of stepmom and stepfamily coaches that offer groups. And, I think getting, getting on Instagram. And, finding some of the step family coaches that are out there looking at their websites, looking at the groups they run and again, just kind of seeing what resonates with you.

[00:40:05]

Yeah, absolutely. And then, also, I can imagine that when you are immersed with step children. Or your children, combining those that that can be a strain on your relationship, whether it’s time or attention. You’re not dating anymore. You’re not in the romance stage. You’re, I mean, with my husband, we always talk about the fact that a lot of our time and energy is matching schedules and who’s going to do what?

 

[00:40:33]

And who’s going to stay home for the plumber? And, it’s just blocking, tackling logistics. And that’s without any additional blended family dynamics.

 

Totally. Yeah. I mean, it really, I think a lot of. A lot of this too is like, when you’re going through all the stuff, it is like, how are you finding space for your relationship?

[00:40:54]

Because it does. I mean, at a certain point, you’re like, just trying to get through the day, what were some of the things that you did to try to carve out time and attention for your relationship? Because coming in and having 4 children, I mean, that’s, that’s a busy household. That’s a lot. It was a lot and, I am an only child and lived alone for 10 years before I met Craig.

[00:41:17]

So, just the level of noise alone. I was like, oh, my gosh, this is like, way more than I thought it was going to be.

Yeah, I mean, for us, our custody was 50/50. So, it was every week or 2, they were, we would then have a week or 2 quote unquote “off”. We still would go to games and all that stuff, even if we didn’t have the kids.

[00:41:37]

But I think for us, it was kind of earmarking sometime during that downtime that we could, go have a date night or whatever. But then also, even when we had the kids. It was finding times that we could get a babysitter and go and do that. And like, to make sure that sort of our life, our relationship wasn’t put on ice for 2 weeks.

[00:42:01]

You know what I mean? Like, and I think that’s healthy for the kids to see, too, that, like, I don’t know that it’s super healthy that your life revolves solely around them during the time they’re at your house. Like, it’s healthy for them to see you going and doing things, too, yeah, absolutely. We had to, you have to be really intentional about it.

Yeah, I, I actually didn’t think of that benefit of having a weekend or an entire week with your partner without the children around. I, I can imagine at least for my own marriage, that would be amazing at times.

[00:42:37]

Yeah, I mean, it is. It’s funny. That’s one of the things that I remember. I was at a work function and I had just become a step mom and a couple of women were talking about how hard it was to get their kids up for school. And I was like, trying to be a part of the conversation because I’d never been a parent before.

 

[00:42:55]

And, I was kind of excited about being a new step mom. And I was like, oh, I know our oldest, like, she never wants to get up, something like that. And they said, well, at least you only have to deal with it for a week at a time. And I just was like, so deflated and it’s 1 of those things that, like, yeah, the kids aren’t there, which it is a break.

[00:43:12]

I mean, don’t get me wrong. Like, it is a break and especially the new step mom. Like, she really need that time, but you’re still doing stuff for the kids. Like, at least in our case. We were still going, with 4 kids. There were a lot of sports events, a lot of games, a lot of school stuff. So, we were still doing all that stuff.

[00:43:31]

The kids just weren’t sleeping in the house. So, the, it’s sort of a yes and no thing. I mean, yes, it was less busy, but we also had a lot of medical on my youngest, especially a lot of medical stuff. That was happening, in between, so it yes and no.

Well, and you also just mentioned a different dynamic that I didn’t think of, which is, sort of having your experience dismissed or seen as less than because your experience is not the same as the other.

[00:44:07]

The other people are you came in and this. At a later time or whatever it is and also I can imagine that if you’re going to sporting games, you’re talking to other moms or parents. They probably have some divided loyalty. If they were also friends with the first wife. Yeah, it’s a super weird position to be in.

[00:44:29]

And I think that a lot of that also contributes to stepmoms who feel a little less than or a little, imposter syndrome or like, sort of unsure of their role, because there are sort of these discrete reinforcing, opinions that you get from different areas.

Yeah, I mean, the going to the games and stuff was definitely weird.

And I think with the parents at our kids schools, it wasn’t necessarily that they were on different sides, but I also just didn’t really know what they thought of me, like, have they heard bad things from mom? Like, what if they, you know what I mean? Like, that is just a weird position that sort of as a step mom makes you feel a little bit like keeping that a lot of that at arm’s length.

[00:45:17]

Whereas, like, when you come in and you’re a mom, you’re like, yeah, let me jump in and like, help plan this or bring snacks or do all this. And, it’s a lot of times, a step mom, you feel hesitant getting super involved because you are kind of insecure about what people may have heard or what you’re viewed as or whatever.

[00:45:38]

And of course, I love the new Mel Robbins book. Let them. That it’s, in an ideal world, you could look at all that and be like, Who cares what they think?

Yeah, absolutely.

In terms of not worrying about what other people think or are doing and taking care of your own emotions and realizing that their reactions are 90 percent about what’s ever going on with them.

[00:46:03]

A hundred percent. And like, of course, now looking back, I’m like, why was I, that was a dumb thing to be worried about. Like, why was I worried about that? Well, cause I was a new step mom and that’s, those are the things you worry about.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, even, I’m often I’m like, oh, I don’t want to volunteer.

[00:46:19]

I don’t volunteer at my kid’s school. Kind of it all and never have. It’s just not my jam. I’m happy to do other things. That’s just not something that I enjoy. But, I always am worried about the other, the other parents being like, oh, Casey hasn’t come to any of the parent. She does not volunteer for X.

[00:46:39]

She does not volunteer to bake a pie for the teachers and whatever it is.

Yeah, yeah.

And it’s, it’s such a weird thing. I mean, it’s like, even, especially when you’re brand new, even like, Valentine’s Day, like, or who does the Valentine’s cards for the kids, like, are you supposed to do something for the teacher at the end of the school year?

[00:47:00]

Like, all of the things that you hadn’t really thought that you would have to think about, absolutely.

So, how do you work that out with the first family mom or biological mom or X or whatever?

Yeah, I think so much of that depends on the relationship with her. If you have a relationship such that you can, you or your partner can, like, have those conversations and be like, hey, do you want to do this or do you want me to.

[00:47:30]

And some of it depends on the custody arrangement. Like, if, if the kids are with you every other weekend, like, probably you’re not going to be the one that’s responsible for doing that. But if it’s 50/50, you probably do need to figure that out. Or maybe you both do something for the teacher. If there’s not good communication between houses, yeah, but yeah, I mean, it’s, it can be tricky.

[00:47:47]

We always did it where if the kids were at our house on Valentine’s, we would, yeah. And then, I would send the Valentine’s treats, to school. And if they were at my husband’s access, then she would do. But, there’s not really a right or wrong way. It’s just sort of what works for your family.

[00:48:04]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

So, if someone’s listening to this and they’re sort of deep in this step mom experience or coming into it new, what would be your best advice for them for getting support and, making it a healthier or, or more fulfilling or happier experience?

Yeah a couple of things.

 

[00:48:32]

I think the first thing that I always tell stepmoms, no matter where they are in stepmom life, but especially if they’re new is, is to please remember to be kind to yourself and to say kind things to yourself because we, step parenting can feel like a pressure cooker. And, like, we were talking about earlier with some of the, feeling the need to be perfect and to do all the things like, it’s okay.

 

[00:48:56]

You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to say the wrong thing. You’re going to do the wrong thing. And the stakes are just not as high as you feel like they are. So, like, give yourself some grace.

And then the 2nd thing is, like, find another stepmom, you can talk to. Whether that’s, a close friend, or even if it’s like somebody you meet at school or church or whatever, that, like, is another step mom, like, ask her for a cup of coffee, and like, go and, compare notes and have somebody you can talk to, or find someone like me, that you can do some coaching with, or, join I offer.

[00:49:26]

Group coaching and one-on-one coaching, but I also have a membership, that’s lower cost for step moms that they can come in and do group coaching every month and just meet other stepmom that know what they’re going through. I think it’s really important to look for that community and with, 40% of American families are in a blended family of some sort.

 

[00:49:44]

There are lots of other stepparents out there, even if you’re not totally. I’m sure where to find them. They’re there.

Yeah, I actually didn’t realize that percentage was so high that that means there are so many other people going through the same experience that you’re going through. So, you’re not alone.

[00:50:04]

And I’ll throw another 1 at you 1300 new step families form every day and that statistic is from like 2001. I feel like it’s a really that’s a statistic. It’s like, 20 years old. Oh, and there are no statistics on that. There’s not a lot of research there. No, they the census used to track that and I don’t think they do anymore.

[00:50:27]

So, it has. There have not been a lot of great statistics on the actual there’s lots of other research that’s been done around how step families are functioning and stuff like that and tools that you can use, but the actual numbers of step families. That number is very, very outdated.

 

Okay. That’s good to know.

[00:50:46]

Well, thank you so much for coming on for having this conversation for offering your expertise and kind of giving anyone listening to this a place to begin if they are struggling or want to have the best relationship that they can have.

Absolutely. I’m happy to do it. All right. Thank you.