SUMMARY KEYWORDS

drinking, life, people, decision, alcohol, coach, Casey, podcast, groups, listening, good, class, person, stop, years, goal, generational trauma, create, moment, friends, accountable

SPEAKERS: Casey McGuire Davidson + Michael Anthony

00:02

Welcome to the Hello Someday Podcast, the podcast for busy women who are ready to drink less and live more. I’m Casey McGuire Davidson, ex-red wine girl turned life coach helping women create lives they love without alcohol. But it wasn’t that long ago that I was anxious, overwhelmed, and drinking a bottle of wine and night to unwind. I thought that wine was the glue, holding my life together, helping me cope with my kids, my stressful job and my busy life. I didn’t realize that my love affair with drinking was making me more anxious and less able to manage my responsibilities.

In this podcast, my goal is to teach you the tried and true secrets of creating and living a life you don’t want to escape from.

Each week, I’ll bring you tools, lessons and conversations to help you drink less and live more. I’ll teach you how to navigate our drinking obsessed culture without a bus, how to sit with your emotions, when you’re lonely or angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, how to self soothe without a drink, and how to turn the decision to stop drinking from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life.

I am so glad you’re here. Now let’s get started.

Hi there, if you’re in the US, I want to say Happy Thanksgiving or Happy Thanksgiving weekend, depending on when you’re listening to this episode. I know we have folks who listen to this podcast from all over the world, which is amazing. I absolutely love seeing all the different countries where women are listening to this podcast. But for a lot of you. It’s Thanksgiving weekend in the United States. And I know for me, this was a really difficult time to not drink, whether it’s the celebration, the meal, the association with alcohol, all the family gathering around which can be really triggering, either because you’re celebrating or because relationships aren’t easy.

 

So, if you’re listening to this podcast over the Thanksgiving weekend, great job, great job bringing in a reminder of why not drinking is a good idea and tapping into resources to give you some tools to navigate this long weekend this holiday weekend without alcohol. I wanted to jump in here to tell you that there are only two more days to register and watch completely free 60-minute master class, The 5 Secrets To Successfully Take A Break From Drinking. This is an hour-long masterclass that will really help you if you’ve been in the position of going back and forth for a while now on whether you want to stop drinking. But it’s a limited time class. So in two days, at the end of the day, Friday, November 26, you will no longer be able to sign up for the free masterclass.

 

So if you’re listening to this before then and you’re interested in taking the class, please go to hellosomedaycoaching.com/class, you can sign up for a day and time that works for you to attend the class. And if you’re not able to make it if you’re traveling or busy with family, and you sign up, you’ll get a free replay link of the 60-minute class the next day so you can watch it when you have time. After you take this free class, I’m hoping that you’re going to realize why what you’ve been doing up until now hasn’t been working. And what I’d love you to do. Instead, I’m going to dive into all the good topics, including what questions you need to stop asking yourself, because they’re setting you up for self-sabotage, not for success. We’re going to talk about exactly what to do differently to get going and get some sober momentum. We’re gonna talk about the real reasons you haven’t been successful in taking a longer-term break from alcohol. And I’m betting they’re not what you think they are.

 

If you’re interested in signing up for this class, if you’ve been thinking about it, but it hasn’t been the right moment. I really encourage you to go to hellosomedaycoaching.com/class before end of day Friday, because that’s when signups to the class ends. Pick a date and time. If you choose one. While the class is still open, you will be sent a link with a replay so you can watch it when it works for you. I put together this free training to help you on your journey to drink less, to live more and to feel better. So please save your spot. Go to hellosomedaycoaching.com/class while it’s still available, and I’d love to see you there.

 

My guest today is Michael Anthony. He’s an Entrepreneur, coach, podcast host. He’s the founder of think unbroken, an award-winning speaker, a best-selling author and an advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma. And I really wanted to have Michael on the podcast, to talk about identifying the change you want in your life, how to get unstuck, and become the hero of your own story. So Michael, welcome.

 

05:44

Thank you, my friend. I’m very excited to be here with you today.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  05:47

Yeah, I’m really excited to have this conversation. Because I know a lot of the women listening to this show are successful and competent. And high achievers’ kind of can accomplish anything they want in life. And yet, they feel really stuck with going back on and forth on the decision to drink or not drink, the ability to sort of follow through with taking a break from alcohol and seeing if their life is better, and are kind of blaming themselves for not having enough willpower or motivation are sort of stuck in that place of debating versus deciding. And I know you’ve made a lot of incredible changes in your life, from when you first grew up. And when you worked in the corporate world. And a big part of that was making the decision to change and then enlisting resources. So can you tell us a little bit about your story?

 

06:46

Yeah, absolutely. And I’ll give you the elevator pitch version here for the sake of time. So, when I was four years old, my mother who was a drug addict and alcoholic, she actually cut off my right index finger. So if that gives you any baseline, that’s where this all starts. Now people always go, Well, how can a mother do that? Well, it is just the continuation of generational trauma. My stepfather was super abusive. By the time that I was 10 years old, I actually lived with 30 Different families, we were often in poverty and homeless, getting evicted. I got high for the first time when I was 12. Drunk at 13. At 15, I was expelled from school for selling drugs. I was breaking into houses, stealing cars, hurting people. You luckily got put into a last chance program. Still did not graduate high school on time and found myself in this really interesting predicament where after they handed me my diploma, they’re like, you just got to get the hell out of here. I didn’t know what to do. Because the only thing that I had envisioned was A. don’t die, B. joined the military and become a Marine Corps Scout Sniper. Well, I hurt my knee really bad in high school, and I could not get into the military. So I made a decision. I’m going to make $100,000 a year legally, by the time that I’m 21, the legal part was really important. I have family in prison for life. I’ve been in handcuffs. And today, my three childhood best friends have been murdered. And that’s all drugs, right. And I was a part of that.

 

So I set this goal. And I found myself at 20 heading into 21, landing a job in cells with a fortune 10 company, no high school diploma, no college education. And then that thing that happens to people when they get money for the first time happened to me, and my life became a disaster. And part of it was the party culture of the environment that I was in. And the other part was, I just never done any of the work hadn’t gone through that healing process. I have still that hurt loss, little boy. And so I find myself at, you know, 2526 years old, I’m 350 pounds, smoking two packs a day drinking myself to sleep. And that’s when I put a gun in my mouth. I was just like, money was supposed to solve all these problems. And it didn’t. And I found myself in this position of remembering this moment in time of being eight years old, and the water company came in, turned our water off. And I went into the backyard and I took this little blue bucket, and I walked across the street to the neighbor’s house. And for the first time I stole and that was water. I turned on their spigot and I stole water on the side of their house. And I said, Well, I’m a grown up, this won’t be my life. And it wasn’t because I had money in cars and a $2,000 a month bar tab because I lived above a bar. So, I’m living this fucking cheer lifestyle where everybody knows my name, but I’m miserable. My life is terrible, but I’m making all this money. And a little bit of time goes by and I’m sitting in bed. It’s 11 o’clock in the morning. Keep in mind, I’m 350 pounds. I’m drinking myself to sleep every night. And it’s 11 o’clock in the morning. I’m eating chocolate cake, smoking a joint and watching the CrossFit Games. Now that ain’t rock bottom. I don’t know what is and what not. Have looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. And that’s when I have that memory of being that eight-year-old little boy. And I asked myself, and I’ll never understand why. But I asked myself, what are you willing to do to have the life that you want to have? And the words, no excuses, just results started reverberating through my body. And that became the predicating factor in me no longer negotiating with myself.

 

Fast forward. 11 years later, here I am talking to you. And in that journey was this process of tremendous healing, therapy, group therapy, EMDR, CBT, NLP, trauma informed therapy going and getting a coach go into personal development, reading the books, go into the conferences, listen to the podcast. And now today I have over 35 certifications and certificates and trauma informed education. Why? Because I was trying to figure out how to make my life better. And then I realized something really important. I don’t know what a measurement for better is. And I decided I was going to make my life different. And that’s how I got to where I am today.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  11:06

That’s amazing. I mean, it’s amazing how much you’ve overcome, and how much sort of personal dedication, you’ve had to have to change your life. And I love that you were talking about wanting to make your life better, and then changing it to making your life different. So can you tell me a little bit more about what that means?

 

11:29

Yeah, well, I mean, what’s the measurement for better? How do you determine that? I think about life in terms of scientific equations quite often. And what I’m trying to figure out is how you either prove or disprove a hypothesis. And in the hypothesis of creating life better, I think the variable that’s missing is the measurement for better. What is better mean is why today better than my yesterday, is my today better than my nine years ago, I don’t know, I think it’s an intangible variable. And so what I think about is different, I can measure different, I can look at different, different as did I move in a way that is the opposite of the way that I move five seconds ago, different is about can I just simply put myself in this position where I go in this direction, that isn’t the same as it was yesterday, while simultaneously moving towards the goals and the things that I want to accomplish in my life different is looking at and assessing the data that is in front of me and saying that thing didn’t work. So instead of trying to make it better, I try to make it different, because different will lead to a different outcome. And ultimately, that’s the goal, I want a different outcome, while in simultaneous and it’s a balance, trying to figure out how to align that different outcome with my goals, and staying in alignment with my principles, who I am as a person, my values and my wants, needs and interests. And so I think when people get caught up in this idea of better, like to be honest with you, I just feel like you’re setting yourself up for failure. who figures out better, because for some people better is just simply getting out of bed. Whereas I think about it as if it’s just different. How do I move about the world with that?

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  13:12

One, one of the things that you mentioned was in terms of who defines better I think, so many of us go through our lives doing what we’re supposed to do like trying to get straight A’s trying to get your gold star or your pat on the head. And that’s often defined by your family, their values society, like you said, money and jobs, and you know, what we think will make us happy. And that’s not always the case. So it really is important to you mentioned, identifying your goals and your values and sort of changing the trajectory of your life. And that can be different for everyone in terms of what will actually make them happy in life.

 

13:58

Yeah, and it should be, I don’t want to live your life. I don’t want to live anyone else’s life. I only want to do the things I want to do and not do the things I don’t want to do. Now a big part of that is recognizing that in that process, there’s a tremendous amount of self-discovery. And you have to face the fear that sits inside of you that says I can’t I shouldn’t I mustn’t, somebody else can do it. I shouldn’t be the one to do it. Everyone else told me you’re not good enough, strong enough, capable enough. You want your life, you got to earn it, you got to earn every inch. And that’s the thing that’s really difficult about it. Like if I had a magic pill to just make everybody’s life happy, that’d be a gazillionaire. I would we wouldn’t have this conversation right now. I would be obsolete and that’s ideal to me. Like my number one goal in life is to end generational trauma and want to make myself obsolete. Well how do I do that? If I’m measuring myself against you? See, I think about life very often in the narrative like literature, right? This is a you versus your novel. So you have to make decisions. Right, you have the same ability to create as you do to destroy. There’s this really interesting concept, right? It’s like, you can live life with honor. And you can live life in this place of honesty and humility, and justice, or you can burn everything down. And we have the ability to do both. And I wrote this in my book, burning down your house is like standing inside of it while you’re holding the matches. It takes as much effort to create your life as it does to deconstruct it. And so if you’re in this position, where you’re trying to figure out what’s next, that comes intrinsically. Now, look, here’s what I want to say, because I think it’s important. You can use other people as markers, right? I think that one of the things that I’ve done really effectively well in my life is I just simply look at other people who are one step ahead of where I want to go. And I just go wait. So that means the thing that they did that I’m trying to do as possible. And that proves the hypothesis that it can be done. Great. How do I do that? And that’s kind of the baseline for how I determine what’s next.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  16:10

Yeah. And I think that for a lot of women, there’s this issue of, you know, worrying that doing something for themselves carving out time for themselves, deciding they want to pivot from what they’re doing now is selfish, right. I’m an adult, I have a mortgage, I have kids, I have a boss, I have, you know, I’ve set up my life in a certain way where I have responsibilities. And I’m so busy that trying to use time, money and energy for personal development or for myself, or to take the resources and the self-care I need to break this really addictive habit is selfish. And I really want women who are listening to this to say, it’s not selfish, to make your life better, you deserve to be happy. And you know, what Michaels talking about is how to identify what you want, and then how to take the first steps to getting unstuck, to making the change that you want, without feeling like you’re abdicating the responsibilities you have in your life.

 

17:21

One of the things that I think about quite frequently, is this idea that maybe you should put yourself first. Maybe you should be selfish. Maybe you should reconstruct your life because you want to. Because guess what, you’re gonna die. And on your deathbed, you’re going to have a thought. And that thought is going to be that I live my life the way that I wanted to. And if you didn’t, you’re going to die with regret. And to me, that’s the number one fear in my life. Nothing, Casey, for real. Nothing terrifies me more than the idea that I’ll die with regret. Because you don’t get tomorrow. It’s not a promise. And people with life like somehow magically tomorrow’s just going to happen. I don’t know. I could have aneurism right now game over. And you got these dreams, you got these hopes, you have these ambitions. You want to start something you want to quit something you want to do something. Make a decision. face the fear. Yeah, it’s not gonna go away. Let me ask you this. Have you ever in your life ignored a problem and it went away? No, it doesn’t work that way. And so when you’re sitting here, and you’re looking at it, and I understand there’s the notion of judgment, of shame, of guilt of all the things that get carried with this, I’m not denying that that’s a part of the experience, because it certainly is. But in that experience, you have to make decisions. And those decisions are going to be the precursor for everything else that isn’t next. There’s no rewind button. I don’t actually get back anything I’ve just said. It’s all here forever living in history. I don’t get control over anything that already existed. I only get control over what happens next. And more importantly, what I do right now to create the road to that next, see people think life is already predetermined, right? Get the job, have the kids get married white picket fence, corporate job, six figures, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you’re 2830 to 64 years old, and you’re miserable. Yeah, guess what? You’re gonna be miserable until you make a decision. And here’s the hard part. The hard part is you have to give yourself permission to be successful.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  20:00

Yeah. When I think a lot of what you said, do you ever solve a problem by ignoring it? I mean, the answer is no. But what I see a lot of people doing and what I did for many, many years was rationalize why it’s not that bad rationalize why it’s not that much of a problem, or, you know, my life’s pretty good what I have a good job like you’re, you know, things aren’t perfect, but they’re not that I’m an adult is this what I’m just supposed to do? Am I supposed to just put my head down and like, you know, tolerate my way through the next 10 years until my kids are older, I can retire. And by the way, the way I’m tolerating my life through is basically checking out every night with a bottle of wine and feeling awful in the morning. And change is scary. And so are you know, it’s really easy to settle into your kind of shitty average, not great life. But it’s familiar, right?

 

21:05

Think about this, we have been led to believe, for the entirety of our existence, that we should have gratitude for having a life that is good enough. Oh, my God, say that again?

 

21:20

Yeah, it’s true. Think about it. Our everything that has happened in our life has had the background framework of have gratitude that your life is good enough. Yeah. What Why should you be sad, you’re not good enough. I’m sorry, I’m gonna hate to break it to you and people are gonna, I’m going to lose people in this, I understand that. But you’re not good enough. And that’s not a bad thing. That is looking at your life through this window of saying, I can do anything. Because the moment you settle when you get into this place where you’re just like, my life is okay, where it’s at, where you’ve made a decision. I don’t need to learn, I don’t need to work out anymore. I don’t need to try to make myself uncomfortable. I’m gracious that my life is good enough. But when you’re gracious that your life is good enough, then you sit in this place of misery, where you drown out opportunity with alcohol, because it’s a lot easier to face the truth when you’re walking through these rose-colored glasses. And that’s hard because look, you start to numb yourself. Think about it, right? You’re in this place where every single day you reach for this bottle, this was my experience. I’m going to speak from the first-person perspective on this, this is not hyperbole, making all this money, got these relationships, driving this $85,000 car, all the things that people want. And I was miserable. I was placating myself. Because I felt like life was good enough. And the deeper I went into good enough, the more that I hid my potential at the bottom of a bottle. Man if I just get drunk tonight? Well, guess what? Then I don’t have to worry about the fact that it goes to the gym. Well, if I just drink tonight, well, guess what? I don’t have to worry about the fact that my relationships falling apart. If I just drink tonight, then then then then then and then it turned into man, we’re partying on our lunch break. We’re taking we’re doing the craziest things you could ever imagine. The only connections that I have with other human beings is when we’re at the bar. Wow. Hmm. Is this good enough? Because if that’s good enough, man, I’m in trouble. And that’s the thing that happens. We start tapping into the thing that takes away from us, because we’re terrified of our own potential.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  23:43

Yeah, it’s almost like self-sabotage. You’re just sabotage yourself by drinking. Because, you know, people talk about the upper limit problem. But you know, there are all these limiting beliefs and fears about if you do change your life, what will your relationship change? Will you not have time for your kids? Will you Will people not like you? Because they think you’re too full of yourself, whatever it is.

 

24:07

Yeah. And guess what, when you start to filter your life through the framework of what other people think you are never going to live? Well, everything that you do is predicated on the opinion of other people. And then you’re going to be good enough with your decisions. And you’ll be satisfied with that. Yeah, and I’ll tell you a secret and this is uncomfortable for people to understand. I don’t care what people think about I don’t care if you don’t like me, I don’t care if you think I curse too much. Or I’m too many have too many tattoos or have grammar errors in my multiple books, or my podcast is too long or too short or you don’t I don’t care. I don’t care. Because the only thing that I’m concerned about is am I operating my life? We were a framework where when I put my head on the pillow at the end of the night, I’m not wide awake, wondering what if. And that’s hard. It’s hard. I’m not gonna sit here and I’m not preaching from some pedal store where I haven’t been on the other side of this conversation, trying to figure out how the hell to navigate this. But I’m telling you right now, if within you, you feel this pole to want to connect into your life in a way that is different from where you are right now, you are going to have to face your fear, you’re going to have to face your fear of inadequacy of the limiting beliefs that people in front of you put in you. Let me give you a really interesting context here. When we’re young, we actually learn how to turn off our intuition. Why? Because it becomes a survival mechanism. Think about this, you’re in third grade, Miss Smith comes up to your desk, you’ve just painted the moon purple. Casey, why would you do that? That’s not the color of the moon. How dare you? Oh, you’re trying to be creative minute. No, no, we need you to be in line. Get in this box. This is where you need to live, walk on the right side of Hall, go to lunch, when we tell you raise your hand to go to the bathroom. Operate robotically do not ask hard questions, do not challenge authority do not think about life through the scope of anything other than what we present to you to be okay. Now factor in if you come from a traumatic background, a home of violence, where you cannot be yourself, where the most dangerous thing you could ever do is open your mouth with an opinion.

 

And then suddenly, you’re on this pathway where you’re like, I’m 27 years old, I’ve done everything everyone only ever told me I should do. And I don’t know how to trust myself. That’s what happens. It becomes a biological and autonomic response to avoid doing things that we want to move towards because we want to move towards them, because that has become a sign of danger. And when you are faced with these stressors of potential danger, the worst thing that could happen is you get ostracized from the community. Why? Because if you look at our biological DNA dating back to 10s, of 1000s of years ago, if you got ostracized from the community, you were gonna die, period, there was no other way to survive. We are communal species. Well, now you have to ask yourself this really interesting question is this fear that I’m going to face going to kill me? Chances are probably not. And so in that, one of the things in terms of discovering who you are figuring out what is next in your life, and this is arguably the most difficult thing that I think we do as a human being. Trust your gut. Trust your intuition, trust yourself. Because I’m promise you, when you trust yourself, when you trust yourself, like for real for real, you will never be wrong. And so when those moments, you got to ask yourself, what am I willing to do to have the life that I want to have? For me? The answer was no excuses, just results, what that actually means in practical terms, as I stopped negotiating with myself, and I stopped doing things that other people said I should do. And I started taking the risk of discovering who I was. Now replace me with you and see what happens in your life.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  28:25

If you’re listening to this episode and have been trying to take a break from drinking, but keep starting and stopping and starting again, I want to invite you to take a look at my on demand coaching course, The Sobriety Starter Kit®. The Sobriety Starter Kit® is an online self study, sober coaching course that will help you quit drinking and build a life you love without alcohol without white knuckling it or hating the process. The course includes the exact step-by-step coaching framework I work through with my private coaching clients, but at a much more affordable price than one-on-one coaching. And The Sobriety Starter Kit® is ready, waiting and available to support you anytime you need it, when it fits into your schedule.  You don’t need to work your life around group meetings or classes at a specific day or time. This course is not a 30 day challenge, or a one day at a time approach. Instead, it’s a step-by-step formula for changing your relationship with alcohol. The course will help you turn the decision to stop drinking from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life. You will sleep better and have more energy, you’ll look better and feel better, you’ll have more patience and less anxiety. And with my approach you won’t feel deprived or isolated in the process. So if you’re interested in learning more about all the details, please go to www.sobrietystarterkit.com. You can start at any time and I would love to see you in the course.

So, question if people are listening to this, and they’re like, Yes, I’m feeling kind of dissatisfied, not happy. I’ve done what I’m supposed to do, but it doesn’t feel right. How do you even go through the steps of like, clearly identifying what you want? Or tapping into your gut? Like, do you have advice for like, what’s that very first step to figure out what it is you really want?

 

30:52

Yeah, the like, honestly, no joke, the very first thing is asking yourself how you’re talking to yourself. Because you see the stories that we tell ourselves matter. And for many people, and this used to be my experience, we’re saying things to ourselves, that if you said to another human being, would get you punched in the face or arrested. And yet, you think you’re gonna be successful doing that.

You see what you think becomes what you speak, what you speak, become your actions and your actions become your reality.

If you’re telling yourself, this is only what I deserve, I’m not good enough. I’m not strong enough, I’m not capable enough, you will act in that way. Yeah, change that. And I’m going to give you something very practical here, this is a real-life moment, grab a pen, and write this down.

 

I am the kind of person who is kind to myself. I am the kind of person who was kind to myself. Because think about this, if that becomes the narrative for which you are convincing yourself is your reality every single day, then that becomes what you think and what you think becomes what you speak and what you speak, become your action and your action become your reality. And then you start to think about life through this scope. If I’m the kind of person who was kind of myself, wouldn’t kindness means moving towards the things that I want, because I want them, not denying them, not running from them, not covering them up, not drinking them away. What would a kind person do for themselves in this moment?

 

Okay. How is that practical? How’s that step one, because it’s very simple. You start to create the world that you live in through the way that you think it’s everything in this game. People always are like, what is mindset mean? What does mindset mean? What is mindset mean? Means the way you talk to yourself, what is possible, what is plausible, what can you do in your life, and then it gets into this idea about like, goal setting, right? People, like, I’ll be honest with you, I think your goals are too small. Whatever your goal is, right now, it’s just too small, you’re selling yourself short. There are people right now taking trips into outer space. And you can’t start that thing you want to do, you can’t leave that relationship, quit that job, build that business, spend more time with your kids, man, you are doing yourself a disservice you’re selling yourself so short. Go, go, go, go write down dreams that are so big, that when you write them down, they make you uncomfortable. Because until you get to that nothing’s going to be different in your life. Because the discomfort is where change happens. You have to face the fear. You have to face that part of you that says I’m not capable and go yes, I am. Why? Because I’m the kind of person who was kind to myself and a kind person would face their fear because they know on the other side, they’re going to create a massive change in their life.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  33:59

And a lot of people don’t even take that step up right first asking themselves what their dreams are. And sometimes you have to go back to when you were younger before you had as many responsibilities be like, what did I want that and then even writing it down, even putting that out there and put it in front of you. It shifts your thinking, about what’s possible. And it really, you know, a lot of times we don’t even allow ourselves to dream at all.

 

34:29

Yeah, and that’s because it’s taken away from us. Yeah, you grew up my look, I’ll be honest with you, I had no dreams as a child. Except don’t die. That was it. I didn’t know what I was gonna do. Outside of like the daydream of like, I’m going to be a rock star one day. Right? And, and in that you have to craft and create what you want. And that’s what’s really fascinating about life is you have the ability to do that. But things muddy the water, right you need you need crystal clear laser focus to create the life that you want to have. And things like alcohol and drugs and hookups and staying up late binge-watching Netflix that’s in your way. Yours, you are stopping yourself. Yeah, you are in your own way. So then you come again to that question, what are you willing to do to have the life that you want to have?

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  35:26

One in terms of just being not being allowed to ask or being told, I mean, it can happen in really subtle ways as well. I mean, women are sort of conditioned to be helpful and to be giving to others, or else you’re known as a bitch, or, you know, selfish or people won’t like you, or, you know, you don’t want to be too full of yourself. But I even remember, it’s kind of crazy because of what I do now as a life coach. But when I was in college, I loved sociology, we talked about marketing and branding. And, Mark, you know, how we convince people to act in a certain way. Like, I love the study of why groups of people act the way they do and how society impacted them. And I remember going home from college to see my parents and I adored my father, you know, I didn’t see him enough. And I told him, Oh, I’m thinking of majoring in sociology. And over the dinner table, he said to me, no offense, which when you hear no offense, someone’s about to offend you, right keyword. He said, Casey, I’ve never known anyone who ever amounted to anything, who majored in sociology. And then this next line, and I adored him, said, at least, I don’t have to tell my friends, you’re a Women’s Studies major. And if you think about what I do right now, like, I’m a fucking life coach for women, you know, what I mean, and everything that goes in there in terms of society, and what we’ve been taught and building people up and connecting with people and, and championing them. And I mean, I still my dad passed away when I was 29, I completely adore him. But that kept me in business and corporate and making money for 20 years. And even after he died, and after I became a life coach and started doing this work, I remember very tentatively at the age of 43, saying to my mother, I wonder what dad would think if he knew I was a life coach, because it kind of weighed in the back of my mind. And she was like, I bet he be really proud of you that, you know, you’re doing exactly what you want to do. And he probably would have been 20 years ago, it was just that one off conversation at dinner that impacted the entire way I thought about the way I should live my life and what success means.

 

37:45

Yeah, that’s powerful, right? I mean, think about the narrative you just laid out. And that’s so true and indicative of so many people’s experience, one thing and passing when you’re 16, 21, 26 years old. I mean, it changes everything, if you let it.

 

Yeah, if you let it.

 

And that’s the hard part too. Because sometimes it’s like so subliminal, you don’t even know what’s in there. Like, suddenly you’re like, Wait, why am I drinking a wine cooler than just like snack itself in there. And so then you’re in this, you’re in this weird position where now you have to think more decisively about yourself, and about what you want. There’s, there’s something to be said, and I know this is uncomfortable to hear. But for many of us, our parents are in our way. The very people who we love who we care we cherish our kids, our partners, our business associates, are the people who should be our cheerleaders, not for any other reason than they don’t believe in themselves. They are in our way. And that’s hard. Because we want the people around us to love us and to support us, and for them to be successful as well. But every time we hear like, now, I don’t know about you case, yeah, sure. wouldn’t do that. I don’t think that’s a good idea. If I were you, what I would, what do you have to do with me? Yeah, nothing. And that’s the thing people need to hold on to, like you, your parents, your peers, your spouse, the people who bring you down. The people who even by accident, not even intentionally say things in passing that limit you. You got to check them in that moment.

 

Yeah. Don’t you tell me how to live my life, I will go and create what I want. Because here’s the truth. And I know that you know, this case you because of where you’re at in your life right now, that you probably didn’t know those 20 years ago. If you don’t believe in yourself, who will?

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  39:43

Well, and sometimes it’s just about one question I always have to ask myself and what really helped me is looking at other people, even if you love them and respect them and think they’re amazing. Do I want what they have? Do I want their life their priorities, how they spend their time? The money they make the house they live in the whatever it is the relationship they have with their children or their own self esteem. Because if the answer is no, then by definition, you’re going to have to not quite meet their expectations. Because you do everything, they think is right, you will basically be ended up where they are. And so it is awesome and important to pick other role models who light you up, even if you don’t know them personally, even if they just inspire you to say I want what that person has. So what have they done? That I want to follow?

 

40:38

Yeah, absolutely. And I think that people fail to understand that you can be in connection with those incredible people through the library, like go read a book, listen to a podcast start to like to self-indoctrinate in the things that you want in your life. Because it’s attention, right? Think about this, you understand this because you have a background and branding and marketing. But where attention goes, energy follows, you put your attention on something that you want, you put your attention on something that you want, and your energy will move there. It is that simple.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  41:14

One it is the idea of you’re the most like you know that quote like your most like the five people you spend the most time with, and you either rise to their level or sort of sink to their level. Maybe not literally, but you can choose your peer group and influence group even if they’re not in your immediate life. Even if it’s a podcast, a coach, a group a book, you know, you can rise to a different level depending on where who you surround yourself with, what limiting beliefs what inspirations.

 

41:49

The five people I spend the most time with don’t know I exist.

 

41:54

Who are they, by the way?

 

41:57

Right. Well, you know, so it’s a lot of different people. It’s, maybe some of them do, some of them don’t grant cardines. Tom, Bill, you, Marie Forleo. And then also Jay Z, I wouldn’t I will likely never meet Jay Z. Right. But I spent a lot of time with him. And I spent a lot of time with these people and their books and their podcasts in their music, in their all the things that they create, because that’s what I want. Yeah, right. I look at these people. And I go, that’s a point of measurement for possibility. Growing up, I wanted to be a rock star. Of course, I love Jay Z. I want to be somebody who influences people for the positive. Of course, I’m going to move towards a guy like Tom Bill, you I want to be successful after coming from nothing. Yes, Grant Cardone is my guy. I got this fucking attitude that offsets people, but for the people that it doesn’t that creates massive value on Marie Forleo. Right. So there’s always a rhyme and reason to all of this. Yeah. And in that you start to make meaning you look at these people, and you go, I don’t have to be best friends with them, for them to influence me. They don’t have to know my name. They don’t have to know that I exist. The only thing that matters is I just move myself in that direction. Because it’s a point of measurement. That’s it. Yeah, that’s it. That’s all you need.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  43:14

Yeah. And it’s the same thing. If you see someone in front of you, who has changed their relationship with alcohol and has become happier and healthier, and likes life better and has more energy, you can have that too. I mean, it is possible. So I know that, Michael, you talk a lot about sort of three tenants and their community connection and commitment. Can you tell me about that? And how it helps you kind of get unstuck?

 

Yeah, I think it’s everything. Again, it comes back to this idea that we are communal species, communities, everything. Like one of the things that I’m so saddened about in the world is this idea that people feel like they’re alone. And look, I’m tell you something really shocking to there. 8 billion people on planet Earth. You’re not alone. But sometimes you choose to be. And that’s a hard reality. Right?

 

Because there are groups there are supports. There are communities are people who not only have struggled but have victories in the way that you’re trying to have victory that you can be associated with, but you have to seek it. They’re not going to come and knock on your door. I promise you that you have to go and find it. But those people are there for you. I promise you, people are better than the idea.

 

One of the things that kills me about growing up in America and now having traveled the world and lived in 12 countries is that we’re taught in America, in Western societies to be terrified of the people around us. Yeah, people are good people, are giving people, are kind people. Will take care of you if you enchain take care of them. And so, community is everything to me. I would not be here without community with Jessie joining

 

44:55

joining groups joining communities joining classes. As you know, on everything, I mean, I did that initially when I was quitting drinking, and I joined, you know, private, not drinking sober groups online, I joined, you know, an online sobriety course with a big group where I met a lot of people, I listen to podcasts. And then I did the same thing when I wanted to leave corporate and become a coach and then become an entrepreneur. I mean, there are so many people out there who can inspire you and teach you and keep you looking forward and building your potential and you just need to find them.

 

45:32

Yeah, absolutely. But let me ask you this, when you were in those, when you were in those groups, some of them didn’t fit you. Yes. True. Absolutely. That’s, that’s where connection comes into play. Yeah, make sure you are in the right group. Follow your gut on this. Follow your instinct on it, make sure that you are in the right group, because some of these groups are not going to make your life better. If you’re in one of these groups, one of these communities one of these in person, things where everyone only always complains, man, good luck. Yeah, it’s gonna be real hard climb. But if you’re in these groups, where people are supportive and cheering you on and holding you accountable and calling you on your bullshit, man, your life will change super fast.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  46:18

Yeah. And it’s important to find that just to say, like, if some group isn’t right for you, that doesn’t mean that you’re not able to change or that all groups are bad. Like, for example, and I’ve talked about this on the podcast before, like, I did try a 12-step meeting a for four months. For me, it wasn’t my path. And a lot of people, they think a isn’t for me. So my other choice is to go back to drinking. And that’s what I did for another two years. Turns out, there are a million other groups where I feel inspired and like I like that life and with tools that that empower me and that feel wonderful. And so it’s okay, if one path or the other path isn’t for you. And same with community, you’re absolutely right, you have to find that connection.

 

47:11

Yes, and look, and you have to be solution oriented, because people are problem oriented. And so when you’re problem oriented, if you don’t solve it, the first time you give up, when you become solution oriented, you start to understand, it might be the 37th thing that I tried that actually finally helped me cross that bridge or bridge that gap or complete that goal, or do whatever that thing is, think about solutions while understanding that when you have missteps or failures. That’s just simply data. It’s data, and you use that data to get a framework of understanding of what didn’t work, and then you go great, I won’t do that, again, keep moving forward, finding the solution till you get the solution. It might take you a very long time to get there. But you will get there if you keep seeking it. And then the last part of this is commitment. I mean, it’s what it is. It’s very straightforward. Commit make a decision. hold true to it, see it through. Because guess what, if you it’s the Three Feet From Gold mentality, right?

 

You could be right there. You just needed to go one more step. One more day. One more activity. One more action. It’s like always right, it’s always on the cusp. It’s always right there. It’s right in front of you, then you quit too damn early. Stop. See it through my goal. I’m going to give you context. My goal is very simple. Empower people and in generational trauma in my lifetime. Casey, it is impossible, impractical. Unlikely, implausible. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  48:50

Yeah, that’s amazing. That’s amazing. And I love the idea of commitment. You know, there’s something I always think which is like, don’t give up What you want the most for what you want at this moment. And that’s, you know, of course, we’re all going to have moments where we want that instant gratification and slipping back into old patterns and old habits. But there is a reason that you want change. And I think, in quit like a woman, Holly Whitaker who wrote a book, she actually got a tattoo that said, and cutie pie never questioned the decision. And I think that is really powerful in that there is no one who decides to take a break from drinking, where it is absolutely working for them. It is okay. There is no problem, right? This is something important that most people think about for years. So when you make the decision, just stop questioning it and start moving forward.

 

49:50

Yeah. And remind yourself why you made the decision.

 

Right, we get caught up because we let too many people in the air.

 

Right. Too many cooks in in the kitchen, I would challenge people. This is one of the things that I’ve learned in the last few years that’s really held true, especially over the course of the last 18 months. Watch what happens when you stop asking people’s opinions about what you should do.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  50:15

Yeah. Yeah. It’ll get really interesting for you. Because you let too many people in your air. And guess what, as much as people love you, and the people in your life love you, and they support you, they care for you. They’re wrong. Because they’re not you.

 

Yeah. And you know what you should be doing. So this comes back to this idea about trusting your intuition. Like if you stop asking people’s opinions, and you sit in that decision, trust the decision, trust yourself, trust your intuition. See our coming full circle, right? It’s so much about in those moments, looking at it, sitting with it and going, you know what, I did this because I know that it is the right thing for me to do. That’s how you create change in your life.

 

50:59

Yeah, I love that. I actually am a vision board and a quote girl, and I have a quote up on my mirror in my bedroom that says stop taking directions from people who aren’t, aren’t going where you’re headed.

 

51:12

Yeah, I love that. I mean, it’s so true. And again, I know it’s difficult and we want to reach out for people. But that’s because we don’t trust ourselves enough. But the only way. Look, here’s what my discovery in this has been. The only way that you trust yourself is by having a tremendous amount of failure in the process of figuring out how to trust yourself. You know, I think about early on when I when I quit drinking for an extended period of time in my mid 20s. I was on the backside of this rock bottom this this chocolate cake CrossFit moment. And I’m in this nightclub with my best friends. And I told them I was like, I’m not drinking tonight. I just I decided because Casey it was step one. Step one was don’t drink tonight. It wasn’t don’t drink forever. It wasn’t don’t drink for the rest of my life. It wasn’t it. It was like don’t drink tonight, a Friday night in my 20s I got all the money in the world. I can do whatever I want. Don’t drink tonight. And we’re in this club. And I’m hanging out with my friends and my boys and my girls. And everybody’s like, Come on, man. Let’s do some shots. Is Red Bull Yeager back then at my age myself.

 

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Red Bull. Jaegers.  Right.

 

And so I’m like, Nah, I’m good. I’m not drinking tonight. Come on, man. Just one drink one beer. What’s wrong with you? One beer. Now I’m good. Come on, man. Like, I’ll buy you a shot right there like thinking its money. It’s not money. It’s never money. Okay. I leave. Immediately following this. I just watched friend after friend after friend fall out of my life. Nobody wanted to hang out with me anymore. Because I didn’t drink. No one wanted to spend time with me anymore because I didn’t want to get sloshed. And then suddenly, I’m in this position where I’m like, this is that thing people talk about when you face hard times you find out who your real friends are. And if I would have sat there and been influenced by them or asked their opinions about what I should have been doing, Casey, I can promise you, you and I would not be talking right now.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  53:21

Yeah. Yeah. Because you sort of fall to the level of your habits, right. And so if your habit is checking out every night, and just kind of passing the time and then struggling through the day, your life’s going to be that way. And you deserve more.

 

53:37

Yeah, you do. But look, you here’s where I can I get conflicted with what you just said. You do deserve more. But you also don’t. And you don’t deserve more, because you haven’t done anything to earn it yet.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  53:48

Yeah. Yeah, that’s fair. You got to change.

 

53:52

Yeah, well, you got to make a decision, you have to choose to be different. You have to choose to move in the world in a scope that is in alignment with the person you want to be because the person you are today is not good enough. If you’re willing to adapt that mentality in a way that provokes you to become who it is that you want to be. If you hear that and you go, oh, this person is judging me shaming me. I’m not good enough, then you are not understanding my point. And the point is this, who you are today should be a measurement for you to look back on and 15 years and go I’m really glad I made those hard choices. I’m really glad I stopped drinking with my friends after work. I’m really glad that I quit that job that I decided to spend more time with my kids that I became the life coach that I wrote the book that I started the podcast that I did all the things that inside of me I dreamt I could do. Because I made a choice to be better than I am today to be different than I am today to face my fears today.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  54:54

And one of the things I know that you’re really passionate about and you talk about is learning how to learn yourself. And so can you tell me a little bit about that?

 

55:04

Yeah, that’s everything that we’re talking about right now. Like, it really is, like if I, if I were to bring it down into the most simplified nutshell, it’s very much this moment, can you put your head on your pillow at the end of the night? And know that you’ve done everything within your power to live life within the context of the person that you want to become? Can you stop lying to yourself? Can you stop lying to other people? Can you stop negotiating with your dreams? Somebody said something really fascinating to me recently. They go, did you know that the snooze button on your phone is actually the biggest button on the entire phone. So I didn’t know that because I never wake up with an alarm. I’m always up before my alarm goes off. Okay, that’s interesting. So I went, I looked at it, I set an alarm, just see it. And it is fascinating to me. And what he said to me, was, every time you hit that snooze button, you’re snoozing on your dreams. And I think that holds true not only in the hyperbole of that, but in the reality of the choices and decisions that you make. Every time you don’t follow through. You’re snoozing on your dreams, on the potential on the option that you have to create that life. And I don’t know about you, but any time I’ve not liked myself has been because I’m not doing the thing, I know I should be doing. You want to cultivate self-love. Guess what you ain’t getting into meditation, you’re not getting it in yoga, you’re not getting it in your journal, you’re not gonna get it from this podcast, you’re not going to get it from books, you’re going to get it from making decisions that you make, because you know that you need to make them because then you’re not arguing with yourself. Then your heads not on the pillow at the end of the night going, I can’t believe I did it again.

 

Okay, I used to. It’s so funny. I used to get off work fortune 10 company, get my $85,000 car, drive across the street, almost literally across the street, in the parking lot is a gym, a McDonald’s and a bar. And I would sit there with my packed gym bag next to me weighing 300 plus pounds. And I would send that fucking car and it would smoke a cigarette. And I would go to McDonald’s. And I would go to the bar. And I’d look at the gym. And I would say, tomorrow.

 

Mm hmm. Yeah. And then I stopped saying tomorrow. And then I started saying, Do it anyway. And then I held myself accountable. And in life, if you hold yourself accountable, if you do the things that you know that you need to do, because you need to do them, you will cultivate love for yourself. Because you are building a bridge of trust of honor, the reason why most people don’t love themselves, because they don’t trust themselves, because they’re not doing the thing that they need to do to make their life different. And so if every single day, you’re like I hate my life, do something about it. Like it’s not like it. This is not rocket science, but you have to be willing to face the fear. You have to face the fear. Every single day in my journal, the first thing I write down as face fear, because if you don’t, nothing’s going to be different.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  58:24

This has been awesome. I know that people listening to this are getting fired up and realizing that they’re ready to make a change. How can people learn more about you or follow you or listen to your podcast?

 

58:39

Yeah, so I’m on all the social media at Michael unbroken everywhere. It’s Michael unbroken. And if you just go to think unbroken.com When you go to think unbroken, calm, there are free resources free course you can download my app for free. You can listen to podcasts for free. There are 8 million blogs for free. It’s all there. It’s all there for free. That’s amazing.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  59:01

So anything you want to leave us with anyone listening to this, who is feeling stuck, who wants to make a change, but isn’t sure how to get started?

 

59:13

Yeah, look, life is all about momentum. Life is all about momentum, we get paralyzed because we try to do it all at once. I recently hit a goal that I wrote down seven years ago. It just happened like I wrote this down seven years ago. It literally just happened like three weeks ago. Everything in life is just simply about momentum. So if you make one decision today, that moves you just one degree in the direction that you want to go. Think about this one decision a day over the course of a year 365 decisions. If you don’t think your life will be different on the flowchart of 365 decisions, you really need to rethink it. So start with one you’re worried about 50 Team. I’m worried about one, make one decision.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:00:06

That’s perfect. Well, thank you so much for being here, Michael. This has been wonderful.

 

1:00:12

Yeah, it’s my pleasure. Thank you, my friend.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:00:15

Hi there. At the end of this episode, I just wanted to jump in with a quick reminder that my free limited time training on five secrets to taking a break from drinking, even if you’ve tried and failed before is closing on Friday, November 26. At the end of the day, so if you’ve been thinking about taking this free masterclass, if you’ve been curious about what you can learn, what are the things I teach my private coaching clients about shifting their mindset and different strategies to take a break, but you haven’t taken advantage of it yet. This is your last chance. So the class enrollment is closing. At the end of the day, Friday, November 26. If you want to sign up, you can go to hellosomedaycoaching.com/class, you’ll have the ability to pick between three different days and times. And if you sign up and then can’t attend, because I know this is Thanksgiving weekend, it’s very busy, I completely get it. You will get sent a link with a replay of the class of the video that you can watch when it makes sense to you. So if you’ve been interested in taking the class, this is your last chance. Just go to hellosomedaycoaching.com/class and I’d love to see you there.