Sexy Sobriety with Bex Weller
Rebecca (Bex) Weller is one of my favorite people to talk with about why life without alcohol is awesome and fun, and about why sobriety is sexy.
Bex is a Health & Life Coach from Perth, Australia. She’s the founder of Sexy Sobriety and the author of two books, A Happier Hour and Up All Day.
The work Bex does is centered around helping women discover how much they gain once they put down the wine glass. She works with women to get their sparkle back after it’s been dulled by drinking and hangovers.
In our conversation today Bex and I talk about how life without alcohol can be fun and sexy, adventurous, joyful and (most of all) carefree.
Bex says the biggest benefit she’s found in sobriety is the feeling of freedom.
Bex discovered that after (finally) saying “I’m not drinking at all anymore” she suddenly had the headspace, heart space, courage and energy to reach her potential and build the life she really wanted. She felt free for the first time.
So if you’re holding on to drinking because you’re afraid that life without alcohol will be boring or dull, this is the episode for you!
In this episode, Bex and I dive into:
- Tips on how to make alcohol-free life more exciting and fun
- Evolving friendships + new ways to connect with drinking friends when you’re going alcohol-free
- How to coach yourself through triggers and cravings
- Why you need a list of “10 Things Better Than Booze”
- How to focus on everything you’re gaining by not drinking, not what you’re giving up
- Why sobriety is better than moderation (spoiler: it’s the freedom)
- How to not focus on the concept of ‘forever’
You know what’s a hell of a lot more glamorous than champagne and cocktails?
Self-worth, empowerment, creativity, connection, and soul. – Bex Weller
About Rebecca Weller
Rebecca is the Creator of SexySobriety.com, she leads one-on-one and group coaching programs, hosts live events, and is the author of the best-selling memoir, A Happier Hour, and the long-awaited follow-up, Up All Day.
Rebecca writes about love, life, and the strength and potential of the human spirit. Her work has been featured by The Telstra Business Awards, The Australian, Fast Company, Sydney Morning Herald, The Huffington Post, MindBodyGreen, Better Homes & Gardens USA, SBS Food, Good Health Magazine, Marie Claire Australia, and Elle Quebec. Learn more at BexWeller.com.
Follow Rebecca on Instagram @BexWeller
Connect on Facebook at Bex Weller, SS – Home
Find out more about Rebecca and Sexy Sobriety, head over to www.SexySobriety.com.au/
Support, resources and tools to help you go alcohol-free
Drink Less + Live More today with The Sobriety Starter Kit. The private, on-demand coaching course you need to break out of the drinking cycle – without white-knuckling it or hating the process.
Grab your Free Sober Girls Guide To Quitting Drinking, 30 Tips For Your First 30 Days
Find My Favorite Sober Facebook Groups, The BFB “Booze Free Brigade” and She Recovers Together
Find out more about Casey and her coaching programs, head over to her website, www.hellosomedaycoaching.com
Connect with Casey
Take a screenshot of your favorite episode, post it on your Instagram and tag me @caseymdavidson and tell me your biggest takeaway!
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READ THE TRANSCRIPT OF THIS PODCAST INTERVIEW
Sexy Sobriety with Bex Weller
drinking, quit, feel, sobriety, life, fun, friends, thought, alcohol, sober, people, day, stopped, women, good, totally, months, vision boards, sexy, person, waking, uncovering, rediscovering, natural joys, 30 days sober, milestone, A Happier Hour, positive, optimistic, joyful, growing pains, strength, resilience, courage, how to keep going in the face of adversity, what I truly wanted in life, kept trying to focus on what I was gaining rather than what I was giving up, seasonal bucket list, shifting that focus, dopamine levels, appreciation for joy, nature can be so healing, solace, be able to coach myself through those triggers and cravings, grief, letting go, women’s yoga retreats, rediscovering, sober treats, blueprints, self-love menu, having a purpose, creating these new experiences, I get to decide who I am, I get to decide what feels fun for me, I can rewrite everything, physical vision board, mood board of pictures, reading, Pinterest, manifesting the shit out of life over the new year, time, money, energy, headspace, switch up my routine, fancy glass, sparkly mocktails, stress relieving, important, requiring the brain, empowering, nonalcoholic, emotionally healthy, process, identity-based habit, you start to build your self-esteem, sobriety versus moderation, freedom to move forward, living your best life, fulfillment, so much depth
SPEAKERS: Casey McGuire Davidson + Bex Weller
Welcome to the Hello Someday Podcast, the podcast for busy women who are ready to drink less and live more. I’m Casey McGuire Davidson, ex-red wine girl turned life coach helping women create lives they love without alcohol. But it wasn’t that long ago that I was anxious, overwhelmed, and drinking a bottle of wine and night to unwind. I thought that wine was the glue, holding my life together, helping me cope with my kids, my stressful job and my busy life. I didn’t realize that my love affair with drinking was making me more anxious and less able to manage my responsibilities.
In this podcast, my goal is to teach you the tried and true secrets of creating and living a life you don’t want to escape from.
Each week, I’ll bring you tools, lessons and conversations to help you drink less and live more. I’ll teach you how to navigate our drinking obsessed culture without a bus, how to sit with your emotions, when you’re lonely or angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, how to self soothe without a drink, and how to turn the decision to stop drinking from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life.
I am so glad you’re here. Now let’s get started.
Hi, everyone. I am so excited to bring you this conversation today with my guests because it’s both an important one, but also a really fun one. My guest is Rebecca, or Beck’s Weller. She’s a Health Coach and a Life Coach, an Author and a Speaker out of Perth, Australia. And she’s the creator of Sexy Sobriety which she’s going to tell us all about. I first found back during my sobriety journey early on when I read her memoir, a happier hour. And I found her Instagram account in all her social accounts under sexy sobriety. And what I love about that is she makes sobriety, the opposite of dull and boring and shows us that life without alcohol can be sexy and fun, and adventurous and joyful. Which is awesome because so many of us hold on to drinking even when it’s not working for us most of the time, because we’re afraid that life without alcohol will be living without adventure and without romance and all the fun things in life.
So, a big part of Beck’s work is to show us that sobriety is actually where the adventure it is in life. And she says that no matter what your pattern is, or reason for drinking, there’s a whole other side of life without the booze aside, that’s brighter, and that brings out the best in you. So, Beck’s, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me, Casey. I’m so excited. And I have to admit that when I first found you, I loved following you because you’re from Australia. I mean, I’ve never been to Perth, but I’ve been to Australia four times and gone. Almost everyone where else so your pictures, especially right now it being summer there are killing me. But I also love looking at them.
I always feel this same way. You know when it’s the dead of winter here. It’s summer in the Northern Hemisphere. And I always look at the beach photos. And I’m like, oh my gosh, I can’t wait. So, I totally understand that.
Casey McGuire Davidson 03:35
And do you live really near the beach? About 20-minute drive? So not too bad? Yeah, cuz the beaches in Australia are just beautiful. And they’re stunning. You know, we were at the beach yesterday. And I said to my love, do you think we’ll move closer to the beach? Do you think we will become like, everyday beach people will say?
Yeah, well, 20 minutes away is pretty amazing. As someone who lives in Seattle, we are near water everywhere. But it is sort of lakes and the sound. It’s not quite the same as sandy beaches is the ocean. Yeah, I totally understand that. Yeah, so let’s dive right in. One of the reasons I wanted to have you on is, you know, I coach women all the time quitting drinking them in the beginning. One of the hardest parts for them is the idea that they’ll be giving up on fun and adventure or that not drinking will somehow be seen as a liability in their social or their professional lives.
Yes, and I totally understand this. This was one of my biggest fears as well. I was so afraid that I was never going to be fun ever again that I would never have fun ever again. I had created this life where I was always the life of the party. I was always the clipboard Queen, my friends used to call me you know, I was always the organizer of the group and I was getting everyone together and I always wanted to go to all of these comedy nights and live music gigs and have all of these parties and dinner parties and things like this. And when I dis sort of started to think about my issues with alcohol, I realized that I didn’t really enjoy any of those things. They were all just a way to get to more alcohol, it was all just a reason to drink more. And when I was wanting to stop drinking, I was like, what I created this life where that was my only route to fun, I didn’t know how else I was going to have fun, if not with drinking, like I just imagined something so boring. And I know that we’ve, when we look at films and movies, and we read books, so often they talk about people who stopped drinking and how miserable they are for the rest of their lives and how they’re always white knuckling it. And I thought this is not going to kind of, I had this, this need for fun.
And I know when I have been successful at overhauling my diet in the past, or any sort of lifestyle change. If it’s not fun to me, it doesn’t stick. If it feels like deprivation and punishment, and it feels too hard. It’s not gonna stay like it’s not it’s not something that’s going to be easily a climatized. So, I needed to create something, an idea of how to make it fun. And this was something that I sat down and I’m a bit of a list geek. And I started to brainstorm of like, what could this even look like? And I think the danger is when we’ve been drinking for so long. And for me, it was 20 years, my entire adult life of just having alcohol as my social or fun outlet. You don’t remember what you used to enjoy. Like, I really had to think back of like before wine came along, what sort of activities did I used to enjoy? When I was a teenager, I had fun, and I didn’t drink. So, what was I doing? And it is this process of kind of uncovering and rediscovering ways to make life fun again, and get back in touch with those natural joys.
Casey McGuire Davidson 07:08
If you’re listening to this episode and have been trying to take a break from drinking, but keep starting and stopping and starting again, I want to invite you to take a look at my on demand coaching course, The Sobriety Starter Kit. The Sobriety Starter Kit is an online self study, sober coaching course that will help you quit drinking and build a life you love without alcohol without white knuckling it or hating the process. The course includes the exact step-by-step coaching framework I work through with my private coaching clients, but at a much more affordable price than one-on-one coaching. And The Sobriety Starter Kit is ready, waiting and available to support you anytime you need it, when it fits into your schedule. You don’t need to work your life around group meetings or classes at a specific day or time. This course is not a 30 day challenge, or a one day at a time approach. Instead, it’s a step-by-step formula for changing your relationship with alcohol. The course will help you turn the decision to stop drinking from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life. You will sleep better and have more energy, you’ll look better and feel better, you’ll have more patience and less anxiety. And with my approach you won’t feel deprived or isolated in the process. So if you’re interested in learning more about all the details, please go to www.sobrietystarterkit.com. You can start at any time and I would love to see you in the course.
Yeah, I mean, that makes so much sense. And I think that we quit drinking around the same age I quit like six months before I turned 40 so I was like 39 were you around the same time?
Exactly. Yes. On my 39th birthday, I turned 30 days sober. I think it’s sometimes those big milestone birthdays, right when they’re coming up and you start to think, ah, this is not cute anymore for me. I was like, you know, all these things I’ve been doing for my 20s and 30s and falling over and being the life of the party but then the sloppiest one at the end of the night. It’s not so cute when you’re entering your 40s.
Yeah, I know my I’m realizing this. This is going to come out afterwards but this Thursday, I hit five years. And I always went away. It’s her midwinter break. My kids are off, we always went away this week. So, Australia, not Australia, Arizona, or Hawaii or Mexico, we’re spoiled. But we live in the, you know, Seattle, it’s dark, so much of the winter, like dark at 4:30 at night, so we always are like, we need to get away, spring comes late. And I was in Arizona, the week before I quit drinking. I quit like two or three days after I got back, which should have been this beautiful, gorgeous time, you know, with my kids. And I had a two-year-old and an eight-year-old and we were all in a hotel room with two queen beds with my husband. And I started I was super drunk. Don’t remember a lot. I remember waking up at throwing up red wine in the bathroom and trying to be so quiet. Which of course, I wasn’t. Everybody could hear me. But I was like, I’m 39 years old. Like this isn’t cool. And nor is it any fun to be through trying to throw up red wine quietly while my family sleeps in the next room.
Exactly. It’s those epiphanies that I had one similar to the bathroom. I think the bathroom we always had these epiphanies, right? I was in this shallow and I was just like, it was after a night and I couldn’t remember how I got home, I couldn’t find my phone and I was just in the shower. So, shaking and thinking, what am I doing to myself? Like, when is this going to stop? When is it going to be enough? When is it going to be at a point where I things need to turn around?
Yeah. And what I loved about what attracted me to you was like even the name of the book, right? It’s called, A Happier Hour. And it’s so positive and optimistic and joyful. And obviously, it doesn’t always start that way, right? Like everyone has whatever their version of that bathroom moment is, where they’re like, I can’t do this anymore. And it has to be sort of a low point to give up something because almost all of us structure our entire social lives around drinking, and those are all our friends. And that’s what we do. So how did you get to that happier our point?
Exactly. And I think that’s such an important point as well is that those lows, and of course, you know, for the first few months of sobriety, it wasn’t all happiness and fun and joy, there was a lot of crying, like if you read my book, or happier, I cried a lot, I cried more in those months than I had in the previous years. And all of those times that were really, really hard. I call them growing pains, because that’s what it feels like. It feels like it was so difficult. But it also taught me so much about strength and resilience and courage and how to keep going in the face of adversity and what I truly wanted in life. So, those down moments are so important, as well. And how I sort of got to the more fun things is like just kept trying to focus on what I was gaining rather than what I was giving up. Like, just kept making my list.
And there’s a few things, examples that I give in the Sexy Sobriety program. And one of the first things I started with was a list of 10 things better than booze. And I just wrote down all these things just and I would write these lists, and I would carry them with me everywhere. So that if I went to an event, and especially in the first few weeks of sobriety, and I was so new, and everyone had always known me as this party girl. And so, for me to show up and not be drinking. Of course, there were questions of course, it was like, what to raise eyebrows and whispers and like looks of like, surely not. So, I would carry these lists with me. And if it all got too much at a party or a wedding and things that I had to go to, I would go into the bathroom and I would just open up this list and I would reread it and just remind myself of where I was headed. All the things I was gaining in sobriety rather than what I thought I was giving up. And that was sort of the key to me. And you know that list, it can include just silly things like, that list for me, it had things like productive happy mornings, no headaches, no hangovers. It had glowing skin and eyes that sparkle, better digestion and feeling better in my own skin, more money for other treats and little rewards and things for myself. And better and stronger memories of the good times like, sober, deep and meaningful talks with people, actually remembering the entire night. You know, all of these things. I wrote all of them down and it was just that point to start the process of starting to think about what I am gaining in this and I approached it as an experiment because I didn’t know how long I could go. I’d never gone longer than that 10 days, I think. Once, 14 days. And I had no idea, like, how to do 30 days, how to do three months. And I was like, Okay, well, let me just do an experiment. And for me, I just kept moving that goalposts. I got to 30 days, and I was like, actually feel pretty good. Alright, let’s do three months, I got to 90 days. And then I was like, well, you got to get to 100 did that 100?
And then I was like, Okay, well, what about one ad? Could I do one ad, and I just kept stretching it that way. Because the idea of forever just freaks me out. And for some people, it really works. But for me, it was just like, that was just this abyss that I couldn’t quite fathom of how I would ever get through that. So just to move that goalpost really helped me to be like, Okay, well, let’s, let’s focus on this next month. What do you want to do in this next month besides drinking?
Casey McGuire Davidson 15:49
And love that last question. So, I also, I always tell women, don’t think about forever note, don’t think about never again, because it will just trip up your mind so much, you’re just going to be like, well, if I’m never going to drink again, I might as well drink one more last time, as opposed to, I just want to see how good I can feel after a month after two months after 100 days like, and I really I know, in your program, your big goal is like 90 days, right? And then, keeping, going. And for me, it’s 100. And I feel like those days are so important because you go through this cadence of ups and downs in your first 100 days. And if you sort of given during one of the dips, you never get to the really good stuff. But the last thing you said was, what can I do? Or what do I want to do in this next month? That is intriguing. And I love the idea of like, seasonal bucket lists are really like planning out like what do you want to do? Or what could you do? That is fun and exciting that isn’t drinking?
Yes. And I love doing this seasonal bucket list as well. I’ve got one at the moment for summer. And I’m like slowly ticking things off. Like even now, my seven years sober. I’m still I use these because, you know, I was reading that someone said, the question that most adults find the most difficult is what do you do for fun? Yeah, because we tend to get bogged down in responsibility and obligations and doing things and we’ve become very serious as well. And this key to find and play is so important. So, my summer bucket lists, you know, I write down things like going to evening outdoor markets or going to the beach or going to swim laps with my friend I’m doing later today. And you know, I have all of these things to remind me of like I can, these are all the fun things that we’re doing now. And shifting that focus as well of the things that you do with friends. I remember when I was still drinking, and there was a woman I used to follow on Instagram. She wasn’t a sobriety focused woman, but she didn’t drink. And this fascinated me because I didn’t know anyone else who didn’t. So, I was like, what is she doing? How does she live? And so, I would follow her. And she would she said once, you know, instead of meeting friends for cocktails, now I make them to do yoga class or I meet them to go for a walk at the beach, or I meet them for coffee or lunch. And I was like, genius. This is what I need to do.
So, when I stopped drinking, I was… I attempted to evolve a lot of my friendships. So, I would reach out to them and say, Hey, I’m going to this yoga class, does anyone want to come to yoga class with me? And you know, that’s a good point for anyone listening is that evolving friendships can be a process as well, when you’ve had these drinking friends. And of course, I surrounded myself with people who wanted to drink because that’s what I wanted to do. So, when I stopped drinking, I was like, who am I going to hang out with now? I don’t know, anyone that doesn’t drink. So, I would start inviting them all to these different events, I would find sort of healthy activities and start inviting them and it was a process where at first you know, I would say yoga class and everyone be like, No thanks. I’m not into yoga. Okay, what about this food market? Like in the morning sometime? No, thanks. I’m not into that. And it’s very easy to give up. But I was like, I can’t just sit at home by myself. I need to keep going with this and persevere. And so, I did. And so eventually, I mean, there was a hula hoop class in the park one day, and I invited my friend and we, she came, and she would have always been a drinking friend. We didn’t really hang out when we were sober. And we had the best time! We were killing ourselves laughing. We were both terrible at this hula hooping. But we had the best time and it was such a good reminder to me that when we’re the ones who change when we’re the ones who are shifting our entire tire life, lifestyle, it’s it can be difficult for those around us as well to know how buy a premium with us. And it can be a sort of big responsibility on our own shoulders to find those friends that we want to hang out with to try to evolve those relationships. And to remember that if it doesn’t work the first time, you can keep inviting them to other things, until something does stick.
Casey McGuire Davidson 20:19
Yeah, I know. And I think I’m like you and that I was always the organizer. And they’re like, we’re going to do this. And we’re going to do that. And let’s do a wine tasting weekend, because I’ve always been a planner. And that actually can serve you really, really well when you quit drinking as well, if you let it. Because I mean, I went to the extent of like, I live in Seattle, and I bought, like, you know, walking Seattle books, and I was like, Alright, I’m going to be a tourist in my own town. And I’m going to check off every neighborhood. And I’m going to, instead of like when I go to Paris, like instead of looking up the best wine bars, and the most romantic restaurants, because a lot of times that’s a drink trigger, like the best brunch spots, or I took a walking photography tour, or a moped tour out to Riverside Versailles. I always say it wrong. But like, there’s so much you can do that you get to Versailles. And it’s not a drinking location. It is a gorgeous walkabout. And, you know, you can look at everything and do everything. And so even just in your own town, like picking a walking route or a tourist route and taking pictures and going with a friend to get flowers, like that can be amazing and fun.
It’s so true. And there’s so many things that I had lost touch with how to enjoy ordinary things, ordinary everyday things, because I have, I mean, obviously, there’s the brain chemistry part where I’d been drinking and altering the dopamine levels and so on. But also, just that appreciation for joy. Like when I stopped drinking, and I started just slowing down. Even now like if I see like a bird landed on a leaf or something, I would just sit there and just watch it. And it just, I’m spellbound. I love it so much. And I think nature can be so healing, we can find a lot of joy in nature when we first stopped drinking. And it can provide us with a lot of solace as well, the times where I felt distraught and devastated in early sobriety where my emotions were all over the place, going for a walk in nature just really helped to bring me back to center. And it helped me to then be able to see things with fresh eyes where I was like, okay, you know, you are feeling down today, maybe I saw a photo on Facebook of everyone out at a party drinking or something. And I hadn’t been there. And I was like, I don’t remember being invited to that. And I would be devastated. going for a walk in nature. I was like, Okay, well, you know, you’re upset. What am I upset about? That I might be missing connection. And sorry, if I’m missing connection, it’s not the alcohol that will get me there. What will get me there is to text a few friends and set up a smoothie day or lunch day, you know, set up something else that where I can connect with others in a way that feels true for me that feels joyful.
Yeah. I mean, I think one of the most important things that you can do, and you never do this, in the beginning, when you’re drinking is like, okay, I want to drink. step one. Step two is what emotion Am I feeling? Is it that I’m having fun? And I want to make it even bigger? Or is it that I’m lonely? Or is it that I’m bored? Which is why I love having this conversation? Because boredom is huge, or I feel less than or I feel less fun? And then like, how can I solve for that emotion in a way that isn’t like, let me knock myself unconscious with a bottle of wine.
Yes, spot on it all. Because it all comes down to that it’s when we’re drinking, we’re looking for a feeling. It’s either we want to feel a certain way, or we don’t want to feel a certain way. And so, we are using alcohol to get to that. It’s not the actual drink itself that we’re wanting. And so, like when I started to think about that, I was like, oh, wow, okay, so every time I feel triggered, or I feel a craving, what I can do is be like, what do you really want? Is that connection? Are you lonely? Well, how can we fix that? You know, in a way that doesn’t involve alcohol? Are you bored? Okay, well, if you’re bored, let’s make a list. Let’s get some friends together. Let’s go do something. You know, I would then just be able to coach myself through those triggers and cravings.
Casey McGuire Davidson 24:37
Yeah, well, and what about the sadness, the morning of your life and your ritual and those places that you used to go all the time when you were drinking? Because that’s real.
You mean, of letting go of?
Yeah, it is right that grief. It’s so funny because that life didn’t serve me that life of constantly binge drinking. It really did not serve me in so many ways. And yet I grieved for it hard in those early days, it was all I’ve ever known, and I think so much of is our identity is all tangled up in it. If I wasn’t this woman who was first in line at the bar with the champagne making sure everyone had a good time, then who the heck was I like? This is who I had been. And it was also scary because what I discovered because I thought I was Miss extrovert. What I discovered when I stopped drinking was Oh, hello, awkward. 16-year-old. Nice to meet you again. I was in each of the and that case, it’s hard for me to imagine talking to you, but you’re an introvert. Like, I don’t see.
Oh, good. Yeah, and so this was a massive adjustment because when I was drinking I always wanted the most people to come possible because then I would have more people to party with if some people went home early then I’d still have people right when I stopped drinking suddenly I discovered that I really love having one on ones so I will go out with a friend and we will sit down I love looking into her eyes having deeper meaningful talk and really getting your into the meaty stuff and not just talking about surface level stuff. Yeah. And I suddenly was like, gosh, what a turnaround of not wanting to be in huge groups so much but really enjoying the one on one stuff because I’d never been like that. And then I started to remember hang on before I started drinking, I was always like that my entire childhood my entire team years. I was so shy so quiet. And you know, little do we know that that person was still there and it started to make sense to me why used to sort of pregame before I went to parties and things you know, I would drink like near on half a bottle of champagne before I would even leave I would totally pregame to like not originally but then Oh well. You’re getting ready it’s time to get the you know the glass of wine out and then refill it and then you’re buzzed before you even go there.
Exactly, you know so crazy because I would spend like an hour and a half making myself look really nice. Only to then you know, because I’ve had this half bottle of champagne before even got there. Of course, I would end up a complete mess looking like a being dragged through a hedge backwards by the end of the night was like why did I go to so much trouble only to end up looking like that? Oh, good grief.
Casey McGuire Davidson 27:29
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think that that going back and it’s hard to remember right, because a lot of us I started drinking seriously in college. And it was to some extent is sort of get rid of that awkwardness in high school or who you are just smooths out you know, a lot of us have anxiety or social anxiety or anxious brains. But when I go back and I’m like, when was I happiest in high school. I went on these two, six-week backpacking trips. And it wasn’t like I am not a huge backpacker now, but it was with a group of like, 10 kids at a time. And we would sit around the campfire. And we would share like, our deepest darkest stuff and sing songs and hold hands. And I was just like, I felt like known and tingly. And like so full of joy. And then once I quit drinking and kind of got brave, I went on a women’s yoga retreat up on Salt Spring Island BC, and we did yoga and ate amazing food. And we sat around at circles at night, we played guitar and I was like, oh my god, this is the feeling like it. I hadn’t felt it for like 20 years.
Oh my gosh, I love that so much. And it’s recreating that, right?
It’s rediscovering. And I, in the beginning, I always thought about it as redefining fun. My idea of fun had become so skewed where I was only what involved alcohol but didn’t involve alcohol. It wasn’t fun to me. And what I had to rediscover was like what actually is fun to me, the real me, the sober me and retreats like that, you know, you rediscovered those feelings that you may have thought were lost forever. But no, it’s just that matter of consciously trying new things, and seeing what feels good. What lifts us out what makes us feel alive again, in a new way?
Casey McGuire Davidson 29:24
Yeah. So how did you figure out what that whole portfolio of options are? Like? Did you have a strategy for getting started? Because a lot of women are like, I mean, forget the first two weeks because you’re just a mess and you’re gonna be sad and crying. And even after that, like there’s so many questions, but once you start to sleep better and feel better and take baby steps into like, experimenting, how did you start to build on that?
Yeah, because that first month you’re so right that it was just like it was too It was exhaustion it was, I just didn’t know what the day would bring. So, it was just riding me emotional roller coaster, and staying focused on that 10 things better than booze like, that really helped me in that first month. And then after that, I was like, okay, you know, I’m starting to, I think get the hang of this, I’m feeling a little bit more adjusted, and a little bit more energy a little bit more normal. What else can I do? And I started with a couple more lists, because this is what I do know, I’m a list maker. Totally, I have a list of like sober treats, and a list of places. Places I want to go and where I want to travel. And books I want to read. Like, I make lists for everything.
And I think this is so important in early sobriety, because we forget we develop amnesia, like whenever I would get into a funk. Whenever I would feel awful and devastated. I would forget everything that I had thought I knew about how to make myself feel better. So, these lists really helped me of like opening them up. Okay, oh, I say back to basics, because we’re really learning how to live again, in many ways, like I lived one way for so long to live in this entirely new way was so foreign to me. So, I needed these game plans, these blueprints for where I was going. And one of the things I did was create one that I called a self-love menu. And so, on that one, I had things that would make me feel better things that made me feel happy. And that I could do at any time. So like curling up into a chair with a favorite book or lighting a scented candle or going for a walk outside or dancing around the house or, you know, putting fresh sheets on the bed and the and turning off the alarm and sleeping in just little things that were easy to do every day. So that if I was feeling like, this is all too hard, this is all too heavy. I could look at this list and be like, Okay, let me do one of these things and see if it makes it feel lighter, see if it makes it feel more joyful. So just sort of taking those steps. And then as I started to feel even better, I’ve started to play with another list, which was about holistic highs. Because I was like, you know, I love that. I thought I loved that feeling of that buzz that when you first start drinking of like that feeling, you know, that sort of like release and stuff and stuff like that. And I thought when I’m drinking, like it would just be that first sip or two that would do that the rest of the night, I would be desperately chasing that feeling. And it would never come. And sometimes it didn’t come even in those first couple of sips.
And so, I was like, how can I create that feeling of release or joy or, and I suppose this is coming back to what we were saying about the emotions is like, Okay, if I’m feeling lonely, what you know, what’s something that I can do to feel differently if I’m feeling a need of connection, and so on. So, I would write things down, like, you know, traveling to new places, or creating a new recipe that works or doing things for the first time in my business. And for others, this could be creatively. And I started experimenting with a ton of different things. And something I did in the Sexy Sobriety program is I created the adventure series, where I was actually going to new places. And just like the sobriety experiment was, you know, such a big part of how I actually changed the lifestyle, I was also going to these different things and trying new things.
So, for example, I went to Singapore, and I was thinking about how do we make new friends? Like if we have stopped drinking, perhaps we moved to a new area? How do we find friends to have fun with and I thought, you know, we used to be at school, or if you were in a job, whenever you’re with a group of people, or even if you enroll in a class where there’s like 12 classes over a term, something like that. You’re working together towards a combined object objective. You perform bonds with those people, you know, you tend to have friends where from times during college times that you work together, and they become lifelong friends. So it’s like, what if I went to a new place, and I enrolled in a cooking class, and when I make a new friend and so I went there and I was like, you know, put my experiment hat on and go in there and try it. And I did lo and behold I made a beautiful friend that day during the cooking class. Another thing was I traveled to Denmark and went to the oldest amusement park in Europe. And I was like, could I I remember loving amusement parks when I was a teenager. Could I get that wonder and joy back as an adult? Like would it be still be there? And so, I went there and oh my gosh, it’s so was so magical. It was absolutely giving me tingles. I loved it so much. So, I suppose going back to your original question. I tried a ton of different things. And some things that I tried I didn’t enjoy like I was like, nope, but I think that’s for me.
Casey McGuire Davidson 35:00
But what did you try that you did?
What did I try that I didn’t enjoy? I suppose some, I suppose I went, I did a yoga challenge, and I really enjoyed the challenge of it. But I didn’t enjoy the actual yoga I was I didn’t enjoy it enough to go back that style of yoga, you know, so there’s different things that you tried, maybe you think, but I should like this. Everyone else likes this, but you don’t necessarily like it. And I think having a purpose, having something to look forward to challenging yourself being a part of something. These are all ways to bring joy back to life. And, and, you know, I also tried all black riding, I’m still getting the hang of black riding.
In early sobriety, I got my bike tuned up. And I also took a ton of walks outside of work like I would set my alarm and leave work and, and just go strolling, like listening to podcasts and stuff like that. But I also I signed up for they have a wanderlust mindful triathlon that travels around. And it’s not like it’s a 5k run. So, it’s not that far. But for me after quitting drinking, that was far, but then it was yoga and meditation. And so like, I keep saying, I do yoga, I am not a yoga person, I only do it on like retreats or events or stuff. But you know, they like painted your faces, you know, and it was amazing music and they had a dance party and like, those kinds of things. You almost just need to like, be inspired and sign up for them and go, and don’t listen to yourself. If you’re like overthinking. Like, I don’t know if that’s fun. I don’t know. Because you do, you’re like creating these new experiences. And you actually have to try them. And it’s okay, if some of them aren’t your bag.
Yes, totally. Another one I did was acrobatic yoga, where you, you know, the way you hang upside down and the from the rafters and stuff that was a lot of fun. But you’re totally right, you’ve got to just experiment with these things to find out what you like. Because if we’ve been drinking our entire adult lives, how do we know what all these things feel? Like? How do we know if they’re fine or not? Until we try them again as adults? And you know, when I my love, we were planning a trip and my love was saying, we will go hiking when we get there. And I was like hiking, what are you talking about was to Norway, and my friend lives in Norway. And when I told her we were coming, she said, Oh my goodness, we’ll go hiking, you will take it to the to the highest peak, and we’ll go out there and I thought she is so fit, like, she puts me to shame. And I thought oh my god, I’m going to die. Am I gonna be able to keep up with her? And I never thought I would enjoy it. I never thought of myself as an outdoorsy person. Or that I would like anything like that. And lo and behold, I flip a laughter I love packing that backpack. And knowing I’ve got everything with me for the day. I love the challenge of it. I love the endorphins that come out. I love the natural high and the views from the top. I absolutely loved it. And I was just floored by this because I’d never been that kind of person. And so, I was like, well, I get to decide who I am. Now I get to decide what feels fun for me and I can rewrite everything.
Casey McGuire Davidson 38:25
And so, did you have an envision because you are less person of like, the kind of person you want it to be like that new identity without alcohol because I feel like you know the deepest level of habit change is identity change. And we kind of like as adults settle into this idea of what’s possible or reasonable or practical and we get away from like, who we originally wanted to be not like do but like the kind of person.
Yes, oh my goodness, this was so helpful to me in the beginning. And I created a physical vision board or a mood board of pictures that I cut from magazines or pictures of women splashing around in the surf or running on the beach or doing yoga or reading or writing because I’d always wanted to be a writer but I’ve never gotten around to it. It was something I talked about after 10 drinks but never did anything about you know the next day it was like oh yeah, maybe tomorrow and there was so many things like this that I had never poured my entire heart and soul into and that was such a big motivator for me as well to stop drinking was like I you know, when are you going to pour yourself into something you just gonna sort of half assed for your entire life. And so, I created this physical board, but I also created one on Pinterest so that I could carry it with me. And same sort of thing as my lists whenever I would be out somewhere. If at all got too much I would go into the bathroom or out into the garden, and I would scroll through my Pinterest board and see all of these women doing these things and living this life. And I was like, that’s what I spa to that that’s where I’m headed. Right? I don’t need a drink in this moment because I this is where I’m headed. And again, like having that blueprint or that image of where I’m going was so important because I didn’t know anyone in my life that didn’t drink or and was happy about it, I didn’t know that it could be more than, you know, I wanted it to be and Sorry, just focusing on this image was like, Okay, this is giving me strength. This is like, I know what I’m where I’m going.
Yeah, I love this. Like, I’m looking around my office as I’m talking because I have three vision boards here. And like 20 out in my garage, I did a whole episode about like manifesting the shit out of life over the new year. And like, vision boards are my jam. But I did this same thing. I was going to Italy and Croatia when I was four months sober and terrified that I would drink over that trip. And I found images of women walking down these little sorts of Italian streets. And you know sunrises and swimming. And I was just like, I want to get up early with my camera and take photographs of the canal like not hungover not trying to deal with my headache. And like, I want to be that girl. And I had a picture of me on a scooter in Nantucket when I was 27. And I went by myself, and like took all these pictures of lighthouses and God’s sandwiches and went to the beach. And again, I was so happy. I was like, driving down these roads with like a scooter in the wind. And just like this is amazing. And so those visual images do really ground you and sort of make you imagine yourself as a different person.
Yes, is that vision casting that if you see it, you can be it. And when we don’t know anyone who is living that life having these images, and I think that I’m a very visual person anyway. But these images can really help to evoke emotion where we, we can feel it, we can imagine we can draw comparisons to things we’ve experienced in the past, like the scootering and so on, to then feel like okay, yeah, I get it. I can imagine myself doing that. Because when we have always drunk when we’ve traveled, we can only imagine that sort of scenario, that sort of thing. And I remember being so terrified after my foot before my first sober trip, because to me, it had always been fun to drink in the airport to drink on the plane to drink as soon as I got there to drink as much as possible. And from 11am the entire time I was on holiday because it’s shrinking.
Yeah, exactly. What are you going to do? Sorry, before I went to my first trip, and it was only to Sydney, I was so terrified, because I was like, what I don’t know what it’s gonna be like. And again, like these lists, these vision boards can really help to make us feel more relaxed to help to ground us. And when I got there, lo and behold, what I discovered was that I’d always craved this feeling of being carefree, especially on travel in when I was traveling. And so, I thought that alcohol gave me that feeling of being like, Oh, I’m so carefree. And everything’s great. What I discovered was that I felt so much more carefree when I was sober. Because I would wake up in the morning, and, you know, there’s the sunlight pouring through the trees, and there’s birds and stuff. And even walking through the city. It was like, wow, this feels so good. This feels so grounding, and I feel so happy and curious and together and with it than I ever did before and how much more carefree I felt to not be hating myself in the mornings to not be constantly chasing the next drink of like, when is the next drink gonna happen? Sorry, it was so much freedom and it was such a revelation of like, wow, trouble is actually better.
Mm hmm. Yeah. And it’s also it’s hard to like when you’re drinking you wake up and you know, like for me, I didn’t always remember how I got home like luckily my husband like it was just his designated job to basically be in charge once I had three drinks like it was his job to get me home and wake up in the morning and that just trying to be in a little defensive feeling like shit trying to overcompensate even once you start drinking like being like, Oh, am I getting too out of control? Like, you know, all that kind of stuff. It’s a shitload of work. And it’s actually the opposite of carefree because You’re overthinking everything from how loud you’re talking to what you’re saying to if you’re dropping something.
Exactly. And also, I would be watching other people’s glasses making sure that they have more than me I would be worrying about where the next bottle is coming from. And yeah, it was so much work right. It was so much work and to liberate ourselves from all of that is like, wow, we put down this heavy load, we get so much back in terms of time, money, energy, headspace. It’s just incredible.
Casey McGuire Davidson 45:12
Yeah. Well, so what do you do? I mean, I know the evenings are really hard times for people meaning like, yeah, you can go travel or during the day you do you know, your acro yoga, although that’s like a one-time thing. But like, you go for a walk, you go for a hike, you go for brunch, but like, the evenings or a time when people are you like other people who you are friends with might be gearing up to go out. And how do you sort of wrap your head around both not putting yourself in a triggering situation where you just feel that longing because everything centered around alcohol, and yet not feeling left out, or like you’re missing out on the fun?
Yeah, and I think this also comes back to the making other plans for nighttime, right going to, like I, at first, I would just switch up my routine. So, I would go to evening classes of exercise classes, or I would ask friends to go to the cinema, or, you know, I would make different plans that things that didn’t really involve alcohol. And again, coming back to where I where I was, as a teenager, like the things I used to enjoy as a teenager. And even just like having a movie night with a friend and ordering a pizza, right? That was so much fun. We were kids. And so, I would be like trying things like that. And where there were habits where I used to pour a glass of wine while making dinner, that sort of thing. I would make it more fun as in regard to what I was drinking. So, I would get out of fancy glass and I would make a sparkling I always like to very bit sparkly mocktails. And so, I would experiment with different flavors, and especially with citrus in them and stuff like that. And I found also crunchy snacks were really good for stress relieving. And especially in those early days. So, carrot sticks, or, you know, celery sticks or things like that, for some reason, it’s just really therapeutic. But I would get plate play with different things like that, or I would take a bath or, you know, really mix up the routine.
And I think, often as well, we put too much pressure on ourselves. Like if, for example, one of my clients, she was like, Okay, I’m on board with the crunchy snacks. I’m on board with the, with the mocktails. And she got her kids involved as well. She said, I always used to take everything on board. And I feel so stressed out because I was trying to do everything myself. She said, Now I bring the kids and we all had a crunch on these carrot sticks. They helped me make dinner. And it’s sort of an experience together. And so just really switching things up and being like, how can I make this more fun? That’s always like, been a big question for me along the way. Because, you know, again, like, if it’s not fun, I feel like it doesn’t stick. And so, I would be bringing that up all the time of like, Okay, I’m in a funk. I’m in a terrible mood. But what can I do to shake myself out of this? What can I do to make this more fun? And you know, sometimes in early sobriety, if we need to just have a picnic, instead of making dinner if we need to order in, or you know it make things easier for ourselves in any way possible. Go ahead and do that. Because it’s hard enough to change an entire lifestyle without also shooting all over ourselves. Like I should do this, or I should do that. Instead, I was like, everything’s out the window. If I can only manage to make two-minute noodles for dinner, then that’s what’s gonna happen.
Yeah, and I big on like sober treats and getting planning in advance, you can look forward to him getting sober treat every day, especially like my first couple weeks, like on Fridays I’d like schedule it. This is pre COVID I would schedule like a facial or massage or takeout sushi or whatever it was like just go out to a place with the kids and get a milkshake instead of multiple glasses of red wine. And so that was super important for me. So that, like Friday after work, I had something and then Saturday morning be like okay, what am I doing Saturday morning? Am I being a member of a running club, like, am I gonna do that? Am I gonna, you know, just read a book and not worry about chores, but like super important to have your treats planned in advance? So, you aren’t like, yeah, I stopped drinking in my life fucking sucks.
You know, it’s like, yes, it’s so true. And I found them sorry, important. So as well, when it’s really good for rewiring the brain of like, okay, these are the things that we’re gaining instead of what we think we’re giving up. We’re gaining all of this and silly things as well. Like I remember going to the cinema, the first session in the morning because you usually have, we’re definitely in Western Australia, you should have the host cinema to yourself. No one else is there like 10 in the morning, and I would have popcorn for breakfast. You know, just like silly. Things like that. That would feel like a little bit naughty, a little It’ll be fun a little bit silly, just to make me realize that, you know, there’s a whole bunch of life out there. There’s a whole spectrum and huge, big vision of life that I hadn’t experienced that I hadn’t let myself be open to because I was too busy focused on drinking.
Casey McGuire Davidson 50:18
Yeah. And you don’t realize that even though you’re doing all these things, like you said, you’re going to the comedy club, you’re going out to drink, you’re drinking at brunch, you’re drinking with everything, that your life is actually getting pretty small, there is 80% of life that you have just automatically disqualified because it somehow interferes with your drinking, which is like you’ve got your blinders on. That’s the focus.
And didn’t blow your mind when you first could drive home from things. Like, I just blew my mind. I remember we were, I said, to my love, one day when we’re getting ready to go to a party. And I said, Sure, if you want to call the cab, and he’s like, what, what driving, Oh, my gosh, me driving, and he just would blow my mind whenever I would want to leave. And this feels so empowering to me. Whenever I want to leave somewhere. Guess what, I’ve got the keys. I’m ready to go. I’m not standing on a street corner waiting for a cab waiting for an Uber. And now, I’m just, I just leave and it’s oh, sorry. It feels sorry. Like empowering. It just feels sorry. Hope. Like I feel so confident in it. Oh, something I wanted to say to you as well, because I’m not sure if you’re into the whole bachelor nation thing.
I do not watch it. But I’m sure a million people do.
I was watching The Bachelorette, the right most recent season. And the person that she chose, he has been sober for 10 years. Yeah, and he just I was popping my fist. I was loving this so much, because he was totally smashing the stigma. And he was so fun. And you know, I know that you had mentioned before that some of your clients worry about dating, when they’re sober and what that will be like, and it’ll be like a liability or a strike against you or Kelly. And I thought that I was thinking about from her perspective when she was choosing him. And I thought, God, what a great choice because he’s, he’s not going to do anything stupid. You know, I, when I think about my behavior, when in the past, when I was drinking, I was always flirting, always making stupid mistakes, always, you know, being sorry, embarrassing, really, when I think about it, I thought I was so glamorous. And I thought I was so sexy. And in reality, I really look like a giant buffoon. I was just a mess all the time and so sloping. I thought it was so sexy to drink. And there’s actually nothing sexy about it. Because if you think about like, in the past, I remember meeting a few women, not many, but I would meet a few where they totally had their shit together. And I thought, wow, you know, I was so in awe of them. Like, I was intimidated. And I was just like, how do they do that? And when I was thinking about this guy, he was soaring ground within himself so confident, and so has the shit together. And I thought, God, how attractive is that to someone to someone who is emotionally healthy. And I think that’s an important thing as well. When we stop drinking, you, you want to match with someone who’s emotionally healthy, and they will find your sobriety so attractive, because you’re not going to act like a complete idiot, you’re going to be to be responsible, you’re going to take responsibility for your actions. And that’s so appealing.
Yeah, I totally agree. And I think that, you know, when you when you step away from it, and again, step away from the stigma or whatever, if someone is going to have an issue with the fact that you are don’t have alcohol in your mojito, right, you can always get like a nonalcoholic mojito or whatever it is, then, what is the issue with that? Right? Like what are, you know, why do they care so much with what’s in your glass? And yeah, you tend to like when you said, when you were drinking, you were just half assing it through life, right? Like saying, I’m gonna write a book, I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna do that, and then never doing it. Like, that’s kind of annoying, too. I remember when I was waking up when I was drinking, and my husband would always be like, how are you feeling? And I was just like, you’re such a dick for asking me that question. Because I was so defensive. And yeah, I felt like shit and wouldn’t asshole to call me out on it.
Totally. Oh my gosh, I thought that all the time of my behavior in when I was hung over. Because when we’re not feeling good about ourselves, we don’t act in the best way either. And because I never really felt good about myself. I wasn’t my best self, I wasn’t always great fun to be around most of the time wasn’t, I was defensive. And I was sort of cagey and not very open. Because, you know, I was trying to keep all this stuff locked down tight inside of me. How are you sort of trustworthy and reliable? How are you a great partner? And how you fun when you’ve got all of this going on?
Casey McGuire Davidson 55:22
Yeah. And also, like, looking for people and like, you know, in the same way that you and I’m not not just partners, but also just friends. Like actually having a list, you know, I’m a list girl to have, like, what is attractive to you and another person and paying attention to who lights you up and who drink drags you down? Because I think when we’re drinking, we’ve really put up with a lot of shit. Yes, toxic people, because they’re our drinking buddy. And also, when you’re with them, they do not bring out the best when you like, you gossip when you wish you wouldn’t, or you spill secrets that you shouldn’t have you violated someone’s trust. And you’re just like, why did I engage in that, as opposed to like actually being like, identifying like, here’s a person who I want to spend more time with, here’s a person who makes me feel like the best version of myself or inspires me, and actually being like, I’m gonna seek those people out.
Yeah. So much, right? Because we do, we put up with so much when we’re drinking, we, because we don’t feel good about ourselves. And you know, there’s a saying that we accept the love that we think we deserve. And so often in friendships, I would accept this lackluster, the sort of damaged and toxic relationships, because that’s where I was, I wasn’t emotionally healthy. So how could I match with someone else who was emotionally healthy. And it was very much a process of waking up when I stopped drinking, of being like, Whoa, that person doesn’t treat me very well. And it was also a process of thinking back and thinking how I had behaved in the past. And there were many sort of friendships that I thought I need to repair this, I need to show up for her as a better friend, because I really wasn’t when I was drinking, you know, I was very selfish and self-involved in a way because I was always, you know, focused on Oh, my gosh, what did I do? And where did I go? And, and all these things, and I wasn’t there, completely 100% for her. And so, it’s really this process of starting to always think of it as waking up saying to wake up and be like, oh, okay, who do I want in my life? Who do I feel great around and have fun with? And how can I be a better friend for her?
Casey McGuire Davidson 57:34
Yeah, absolutely. Well, so what did you tell your friends when you first quit drinking in terms of like people feeling like, if you stop drinking, sobriety is going to be boring, or dull or no fun, or you don’t want to be seen as, quote, unquote, damaged in some way? Like, what did you say to all your drinking friends? When you first stopped?
And this was so scary, right? scarify Oh, my gosh, I said that I was on a health kick that I was doing a three-month health kick. And some friends were like, oh, gosh, you know, what are you doing that for? Gosh, I’d rather not eat then not drink for three months. God, you got to be kidding me. Others were supportive. And then others were sort of worried about? Yeah, what? How are we going to be together like, Well, so what you’re not gonna see us for three months? And there were others that also that sort of just like, gave each other sideways looks and said, Oh, okay. And so, for those ones, I was horrified. Because I was like, has everyone been waiting for this? Or they’re like, Yeah, thanks. Thank goodness, she’s finally gonna do, I was convinced that we’re all talking behind my back. And it was just awful. But it that really helped me just to say it’s a three-month health cake, I’m taking a break from drinking, because it allowed me time to get used to not drinking that allowed my friends and family to start to see me in a new light. So, for those three months, they were like, okay, it’s just three months, you know, and they would see me not drinking, and they started to get used to it. So then when I got the three months, I was like, No, I’m just gonna try six months. And so, I would just keep moving it that way. So, we sort of all grew in that seeing me in a new light. So, I’d had different people find different ways of approaching it. But for me, that was what worked.
Casey McGuire Davidson 59:22
That is literally the exact same thing I did. I was like, this is a health kick. I you know, I’m going to do 108 no alcohol challenge, because I’m feeling sluggish. No energy anxiety, bad not working out. I mean, it was all true. And it also in terms of that identity-based habit and building the person you want to be. That was 100% true. I mean, I think removing alcohol is one of the best moves you can make for your health way better than joining a workout class. I mean, that is great, too. But when you think about what truly drags your body and your mind down, it’s so important. So that is both true and positive and forward looking and stops your mind from freaking the fuck out about like, what does this mean? And it’s not like punitive. Like, I think what trips people up is like, I can’t drink. I’m like a teenager who’s been grounded and lost my car keys. You know, like, all that kind of stuff.
Exactly that approach I thought is never gonna work for me because as soon as I tell myself, I can’t do something, well, I’m going to rebel against that. There’s gonna be rebellion. And so, I was like, yeah, I’m choosing not to for this time period. And that really helped me to stay focused. And, you know, I originally had that intention of the three months, but I didn’t know if I could do that. So I was also breaking it down where I was like, Yeah, 30 days, 30 days, and then I hope to do three months, but I know I can do 30 days, if I really apply myself, how, you know, if I, if I can’t do 30 days, it says a lot about my drinking habits. Yeah. And so you know, once I got to there, you know, you start to feel better about yourself, you start to build your self-esteem and feel like, oh, okay, I can actually do hard things, I can actually apply myself to something and get somewhere and be a woman of my word as well, because I’d get broken so many promises to myself in the past where I’ll only have three drinks, and then I’d have 10, you know, if I didn’t trust myself to be able to follow through, so to actually accumulate these days and just be focused on Okay, I’m choosing not to, and I’m choosing to do all of these other fun things instead, for this time period. And just as an experiment, just to see what it’s like. And that really helped me just to get through those first few months of living in such a different way.
Yeah, and it also sparks everyone else into just talking about their health cakes, like, anytime you say you’re doing something healthy, everybody wants to talk about themselves, either what they should be doing or like, the time they did a triathlon or the time they are getting a peloton, or, you know, immediately everybody wants to talk about themselves. So, it’s also a great way of like deflecting attention, right, like, Ooh, I’m worried I have a problem with drinking, then all eyes are on you. Whereas if you’re like, I’m doing a health kick. You’re like, Oh, yeah, me too. I’m totally or I need to or,
you know, luckily, yeah.
Yeah, it’s just a fun way to frame it. Right. And I know a lot of people understand this as well. Like, I thought my colleagues would be so hard on harder me for this, but many of them understood like we had a running joke that at our work, it wasn’t so much a midlife crisis, where people bought a sports car. It was more like midlife crisis, and people sign up for a triathlon. But, it was just, like, this thing where and so there was this culture of Yeah, you know, you do when you’re not feeling good, you do a health cake. And so, it was much more acceptable, I guess.
Casey McGuire Davidson 1:02:48
Yeah. Well, and so I know that one of your free coaching things you have on your website, which is amazing, is the question of sobriety versus moderation. And I’d love to just get your quick take on that. Because I know that that’s one of the you know, like, in my mind, there is no one who comes to a time period where they want to eliminate alcohol, who is probably not, “tried to moderate” for like, years, you know, what’s your take on that?
I mean, there were so many things and not thinking about the concept of forever was one of them just as a way to help. But I think with moderation.
Yeah, exactly. I had been going around with moderation for a long time. And I didn’t think of it that way. Well, I kind of did, because I was thinking, well, I’ll only drink on Fridays, I’ll only drink three drinks. I’ll only drink vodka. No, why, why? And I will only you know, the all these rules, and I broke them over and over again. And I kept trying to get a handle on it while at where I would go for a few weeks. And I would drink like, you know, feel feel, feel feel okay about my drinking where I didn’t do anything terrible. And but then every so often, something terrible would happen. And I’d be like, oh god, why can’t I get a handle on this thing, and I used to just be so devastated with myself.
And my biggest take on sobriety versus moderation is the freedom is that x aspect of freedom. You know, we were talking about that feeling carefree, and putting down all of that stuff where it takes up so much headspace and so much heart space trying to control this drinking when we don’t need it. We do not need alcohol one little bit. And, you know, that sort of revelation was so huge to me. I was like, Oh, this this feeling of being carefree. This feeling of freedom that I’d always wanted, exists in songwriting existed inside the thing I was most terrified of, is where it actually lived and to actually just say, Okay, I’m not drinking at all that was so helpful because all of a sudden all of that noise just moved away where I was just felt free for the first time of like, I have all of my faculties now I have all of my headspace all of my heart space to put towards creating the life that I truly want to put to cook towards living my best life and reaching my potential and doing all of these things that I’d always wanted to do, but never had the courage or the tenacity or the get up and go to do because I was too busy drinking. And to me that is the most beautiful thing about sobriety.
Casey McGuire Davidson 1:05:33
Is that that freedom to move forward in a new way, too? What does? I’m just curious, what is living your best life for you look like right now, like, what’s, what’s part of that?
And part of that is really having fun in those new ways. And lately, I’ve been because I never thought of myself as a sporty person, either. I was always, you know, in high school, and all the other girls were on the netball court, I was in the library, he was never, never an outdoors, your sporty person. But lately, I’ve been really loving meeting up with friends and doing more sporty activities. And this blows my mind, because it’s something I never thought I would enjoy. And sorry, living my best life, to me is finding fun in new ways. It’s challenging myself, because I find that you so good for our self-esteem, and so good for have to have a sense of purpose to feel like, yeah, I achieved something today. And I’m really proud of that, I never really had that feeling of being proud of myself before. So that really is so impactful to me, and to feel like I’m putting all of myself into my relationships and getting so much out of them as a result.
And, you know, they always say we get out of life, what we put into it, and I feel like I’m putting so much more into it. And I’m getting so much more out of it so much more fulfillment and so much depth that I never had before.
Yeah, that’s beautiful. And one of the things I love is that, you know, when you when you have the Sexy Sobriety, social channels, and your website, you talk about helping women get their sparkles back. And you know, I know women listening to this, if they’re struggling with drinking or trying to stop, like you do not feel sparkly, you know, you just don’t you feel fucking tired. You feel somewhat defeated, you feel like the only time you’re sparkly is when you’re in those first couple of drinks. And, you know, for me, I would drink for three hours a night and make the other 21 hours so much worse, including my sleep and my mornings and my dragging and my white knuckling it. So, the idea that you can get your sparkle back, which is so clear, like even in your eyes once you stopped drinking, like your eyes get so much brighter and wider. Like, I love that idea.
Exactly, I remember an ex-boyfriend saying to me, you’ve lost your personality. Because the next day, I would just be thinking about Oh god, what did I do that? Does someone else see me do that? Will anyone invite me to anything again, because I made such a fool of myself, you know, I was constantly thinking about all this stuff. So, I couldn’t be sparkly and bubbly, and, and all of those things. It only came out when I was drinking. So, it wasn’t real. It wasn’t authentic. So when we get this back, when we feel good about ourselves, and we wake up with energy, and we feel revitalized, and have a new lease on life, we feel sparkly and bubbly in in a way that is authentic and joyful and that people respond to as well.
Casey McGuire Davidson 1:08:29
Yeah. And I felt so much less optimistic, and so much less capable to cope with life and work and stresses. And I’m a super, I would say optimistic happy, nice person. And one of my friends even was like, you’re not as nice as you used to be like, I would drink it. And I would say things that were not as kind as they should have been. And, you know, it was just like I was the opposite of sparkly other than like that first couple drinks, right? And then, but the whole rest of the day, the whole next day, the big glow of waking up and being hung over and trying to pull yourself out or try not to drink and just being so irritated and pissed off that you’re not drinking and just try to be like, why am I doing this? Like you’re so in your head?
Hmm, exactly. And it’s like waking up from all of that. It’s just really releasing it and feeling like, you know, I’m feeling a whole person now. I felt I felt like I was just a shadow before.
Yeah, well, so tell us about sexy sobriety in the work you do. And if people want to learn more where they can get in touch with you.
Yeah, absolutely. So I run sexy sobriety, which is a 90 day program and now I call it 90 lessons in self-love because I feel like that’s sorely missing when we stopped drinking or you know, before we stopped drinking, is I didn’t know how to love and care for myself. And so, we have all of these steps that people can do in different exercises. And also, a lot of interviews with women who have stopped drinking and what their experience was like, because I didn’t know anyone who hadn’t had stopped drinking. And I certainly didn’t know what that could look like. And so, we have 1000s of members from around the world. So yeah, if you want to come and join us, please do and also, we have a free coaching call where I talk more about the sobriety versus moderation issue. So, you can find that on sexysobriety.com.au.
Casey McGuire Davidson 1:10:25
Perfect. Well, thank you so much for being here. It has been awesome.
Thank you so much for having me, Casey.
So thank you for coming on here. I couldn’t appreciate it more.
Thank you for listening to this episode of The Hello Someday Podcast. If you’re interested in learning more about me or the work I do or accessing free resources and guides to help you build a life you love without alcohol, please visit hellosomedaycoaching.com. And I would be so grateful if you would take a few minutes to rate and review this podcast so that more women can find it and join the conversation about drinking less and living more.
ABOUT THE HELLO SOMEDAY PODCAST
The Hello Someday Podcast helps busy and successful women build a life they love without alcohol. Host Casey McGuire Davidson, a certified life coach and creator of The Sober Girl’s Guide to Quitting Drinking, brings together her experience of quitting drinking while navigating work and motherhood, along with the voices of experts in personal development, self-care, addiction and recovery and self-improvement.
Whether you know you want to stop drinking and live an alcohol free life, are sober curious, or are in recovery this podcast is for you.
In each episode Casey will share the tried and true secrets of how to drink less and live more.
Learn how to let go of alcohol as a coping mechanism, how to shift your mindset about sobriety and change your drinking habits, how to create healthy routines to cope with anxiety, people pleasing and perfectionism, the importance of self-care in early sobriety, and why you don’t need to be an alcoholic to live an alcohol free life.
Be sure to grab the Free Sober Girl’s Guide To Quitting Drinking right here.
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