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The Highs And Lows Of Your First Sober Year with Emily Slachetka

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

drinking, first, sober, sober year, sobriety, stopped drinking, not drinking, remove alcohol, removing alcohol, without alcohol, without drinking, wine, recovery, alcohol, highs and lows, feel better, look better, white knuckled, moderate, quit drinking, alcohol-free, Quit Lit, Blackout, waking up 3am, headache, Groundhog Day, shame, resentment, Sunday scaries, self-sabotage, recovering, stop drinking, sober curious, early sobriety, treating yourself, Wolfie, self-care, self-compassion, fear, limiting beliefs, judgment, Dry January, sober momentum, win, proud of myself, mocktails, athletic brewing beer, sober treats, sober travel, 100 days, support, community, Sobriety Starter Kit®, Hello Someday podcast, 30-Day Guide

SPEAKERS: Casey McGuire Davidson + Emily Slachetka

00:02

Welcome to the Hello Someday Podcast, the podcast for busy women who are ready to drink less and live more. I’m Casey McGuire Davidson, ex-red wine girl turned life coach helping women create lives they love without alcohol. But it wasn’t that long ago that I was anxious, overwhelmed, and drinking a bottle of wine and night to unwind. I thought that wine was the glue, holding my life together, helping me cope with my kids, my stressful job and my busy life. I didn’t realize that my love affair with drinking was making me more anxious and less able to manage my responsibilities.

In this podcast, my goal is to teach you the tried and true secrets of creating and living a life you don’t want to escape from.

Each week, I’ll bring you tools, lessons and conversations to help you drink less and live more. I’ll teach you how to navigate our drinking obsessed culture without a buzz, how to sit with your emotions when you’re lonely or angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, how to self soothe without a drink, and how to turn the decision to stop drinking from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life.

I am so glad you’re here. Now let’s get started.

Hi there. Today, we are talking with Emily about

the highs and the lows of your first sober year.

So, Emily is a member of the Sobriety Starter Kit® program and our member community.

So, I have known her since her day one. Since she posted on her first sober day, and now she is hitting a year sober, I believe, on October 8, which is incredibly cool.

And one of the reasons I wanted to talk to her is that I’ve had sort of 2 private coaching clients on before to talk about their first year sober and how they felt it 2 years sober, but I haven’t talked to someone who’s done this without private coaching.

And I feel like I know Emily really well through the group, but also because she has been really incredible at documenting the highs and the lows of her entire sober experience to the point and we’re going to talk about this. Posting her Q1 assessment and her goals for Q2 and what worked and what didn’t work.

You can tell she’s totally a corporate girl, just like I was. So, I’m going to let you introduce yourself, Emily, but welcome.

Emily Slachetka  2:42

Thank you so much. Casey, I’m really excited to be here.

And I wanted to start off by thanking you for even doing this program. It’s totally life changing, and I love that you also offered the member community, because I have found so much inspiration from the people, the women, that are in the community. It’s just an incredible group of people and thank you for all of the effort that you put into it. You’re so engaged, and so is Marriott.

So, it’s just been, honestly, I can’t think of a better investment of my time and money. It’s been totally life.

Casey McGuire Davidson  3:15

Oh, you’re so kind. I have to say that, like you’ve given so much back to the community. I always think that sometimes, I mean, I’m in there every day, it’s a nice small group, so I get to know everyone, but I feel like sometimes it’s actually way more valuable to hear from someone who’s on day 60 but has gone through what someone went through on day 16, or who’s on day 100 and is kind of offering advice and insight to someone who is not quite as far along more than myself, who’s 8 and a half years in. Because it’s, I know, when I was getting sober, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, you were not like me. You didn’t feel what I felt, even though I did, but it’s, it’s removed.

Emily Slachetka  4:02

Yeah. And I remember starting off posting, and, you know, some of the people that were further along would comment. I’m like, Oh, I can’t even imagine being as far along as they are. And now I’m, you know, just about a month away from one year not drinking, which is insane. I’m so excited, so proud. It’s just incredible.

Casey McGuire Davidson  4:26

Yeah, it’s really good. And you have gone through a lot of those highs and lows, and not only that, but you’ve talked about all of them. And so, before we get started, why don’t you just tell people a tiny bit about yourself, whatever you’re comfortable with, so they kind of know who you are and your background and your likes and all that good stuff.

Emily Slachetka  4:47

Yeah, so I’m Emily. I live in Virginia with my husband and our dogs, and I’m definitely a corporate Gold Star Girl. I love that phrase that you have. And I’ve been or not, I guess. I haven’t been drinking anymore. But before joining SSK, I started drinking in College. I played field hockey in college, and it was kind of what everybody, like all the athletes, drink. And I did it to fit in, and it’s just been a part of the social scene. After graduating and I moved up to Northern Virginia, right outside of the DC area, and that’s what everybody did, and it’s just been a thing. And I’ve had periods of not drinking, you know, throughout my entire adult life. And I would say, several years ago, I started to become the term was, like, sober curious, I think, is like, the really popular term.

I read Holly Whitaker’s book, and I couldn’t get, like, the physical effects of alcohol. I couldn’t get that out of my head. Just like, wow, this is terrible. But it wasn’t enough to make me stop, unfortunately. And I just kept reading.

And it was actually Courtney Carver. I don’t know if you know her, the be more with less. She, I think she linked to your program or your podcast. I started just listening to your podcast and I downloaded your, I think, it’s like 30-Day guide and I’ll do the 100 day challenge. I got to day 81 on my own. So, all I had was your podcast and your free resources from your website. It was like, I don’t need Casey. I’m not going to commit to the background, but I just did the free resources. I got to 81 days. We were at an all-inclusive resort, my husband and I, and we were in the pool. It’s like, Do you want a margarita? I’m like, Yeah, F it.

Casey McGuire Davidson  6:42

You were like, 81 days is enough, where you like, proved that I don’t have an issue kind of thing.

Emily Slachetka  6:47

Yeah, I so badly wanted to moderate. I wanted to be like that elegant woman with her glass of wine who just had one glass of wine. But it was never just one glass of wine, right? And we had a lot of rules around drinking, like we didn’t drink on weeknights and only certain types of alcohol. I mean, just like all the rules that you always hear about for moderation, but it always devolves into more alcohol than felt good.

I definitely was a blackout person. I don’t think I did anything crazy, but it just really sucks to not know, to wake up and not know what happened. And I, as I got older, it just the physical effects of alcohol were really, really wearing on me. And so, when we, when I drank it at the all-inclusive resort, it wasn’t even crazy, like I didn’t even drink that crazy there, which is funny, because you’re at an all-inclusive but what happened was it was, like, this slow descent into drinking more and more, and then, like, I was never a person who drank during the weeknights, and then, like, have a glass of wine on a Wednesday night, I’m like, What am I doing? This is crazy.

And the last night that I drank, we went out to dinner with some friends at a Mexican restaurant, and one of the people we were with, he thought like, I guess he thought he could speak Spanish. And instead of ordering, I didn’t really want to drink that much. And instead of ordering me like, light margaritas or half margaritas or whatever, he ordered me double margaritas.

Casey McGuire Davidson  8:19

Not on purpose, you did not have, right?

Emily Slachetka  8:22

So, I fell asleep at the table because I gasped.

Casey McGuire Davidson  8:27

I had totally done that like, by the way.

Emily Slachetka  8:32

And I woke up with the worst hangover of my life, migraines, puking, it was just terrible. And I was like, I am so done. So, I went back to your program, and I bought it, and I was like, This is it. I’m done, and I haven’t looked back.

Casey McGuire Davidson  8:47

That’s so awesome. And one of the reasons, and we talked about this before, that I wanted to chat with you, is because all of our drinking is different. I mean, you know, for me, I was, like, a bottle, sometimes a bottle, plus a night girl. So, I was definitely a daily drinker. And I drank a lot.

I was also a blackout drinker, not all the time, but like, trust me, if I was trying to not drink, I would make it 4 days. Or if I was trying to moderate, that meant, like, 2 to 3 glasses. That was me, and that wasn’t what your drinking was like.

You were much less of a heavy drinker than I was, and yet, I know from everything we’ve talked about that your life has gotten so much better since you stopped drinking, even though you weren’t at the point where maybe other people would be like, Whoa. You really need to cut back or stop.

Emily Slachetka  9:46

Yeah, and that’s why I was so happy when you asked me to join the podcast, because I really want to let women know that you don’t have to have, quote, unquote, a problem or feel like the alcohol is out of control to just decide to not drink.

I mean, nobody that I know of would have said, like, Oh, she’s got a problem with drinking. Or, you know, she really needs to cut back. My husband honestly thought I was crazy for doing this. He was like, what?! You’re so militant? Like, why are you doing this? But like, you’re being too hard on yourself. You’re just looking for another crazy challenge to do. But it was like, for me, I just, you know, I don’t. Like, nothing bad really has ever happened to me. I never had, like, a low or, like, I’ve done some questionable things, but like, nothing that I couldn’t relate to.

A lot of the Quit Lit, where people were like, like, Yes, I was blacking out from drinking too much in my home, on my couch, but like, I wasn’t out at bars or, like, you know, doing crazy, wild things I did that wasn’t my experience. I’m like, totally functional in my job, totally functional in my friendships and my family. It was just a sense of like, this wasn’t what I wanted out of life, and, like, a feeling stuck and just dissatisfaction.

Casey McGuire Davidson  11:07

Yeah. And did you know or, like, suspect that outcome might be the problem or one of the problems? Or were you just, like, all right, let me, let me see how I feel without drinking and see if it’s better because you were listening to the podcast. And that’s something I kind of always talk about, is like, just get curious, just try it.

Emily Slachetka  11:29

I just felt so stuck and like, low key unhappy, even though so much was going right in my life. And so, I was like, maybe it could be alcohol, and willing to at least give it a shot, I’m willing to experiment for 100 days.

Casey McGuire Davidson  11:45

Yeah, absolutely. Well, so one of the things that you posted on your day one, which was October 8, and I actually think this is going to come out right around your one year anniversary, which is really cool. So, what was your why? You know, even on your day one, you posted your why. So, do you want to tell people, sort of, what was that reason?

Emily Slachetka  12:15

Yeah, I’m looking at the post right now. And by the way, I mentioned to you that I’m not much of a journaler, but you meant you were like, actually, you are, because you posted so much in Facebook, and I’m so glad that I posted so much in the group, because a lot of the stuff that I posted, I can’t remember, like, I have to go back and like, oh my gosh, I can’t believe I was in that place at that time. Like, I just don’t relate to that anymore. But I just like some of the things I talked about was just feeling like the physical effects constantly on Saturday and Sunday, in case it’s so crazy that I would, you know, 4 or 5pm on a Friday, open a bottle of wine like toast to the end of the week. Drink way too much for myself, and I would have a hot yoga class scheduled on Saturday.

Casey McGuire Davidson  13:05

Oh my god, I would do that so much so many times.

Emily Slachetka  13:10

Can I just tell you? Hot yoga is so much better when you haven’t had multiple glasses of wine.

Casey McGuire Davidson  13:14

Oh my god, I did hit like, classes and doing burpees hungover, which I did odd the regular. I was just like, I can’t believe how mean I was to myself and my body and how much I would like push through shit with some goal of being healthy, even though I had poisoned my body, you know, to being unconscious the night before.

Emily Slachetka  13:39

Yeah, exactly.

And I was so tired of waking up at 3am. Constant headaches, feeling just anxious all the time. And I felt like it was like Groundhog Day every weekend, where Monday you’d start fresh, like, I’m going to, you know, not drink this weekend. I’m going to get back on track. Like, I was so tired of getting back on track, yeah, like digging myself out of a hole. I just felt so much shame and resentment, and it just it was just not a good place to be.

And like, if we went out with people and I drank too much, like that feeling I mentioned, like, I blacked out pretty frequently, and that feeling of like, anxiously checking your phone, like, Who did I text, where did I post? Like that is just the most terrible feeling ever. And I never feel that way anymore.

Casey McGuire Davidson  14:32

Isn’t that kind of incredible, just to even though, in theory, you weren’t drinking all the time or a lot or daily? It’s still impacted so much of your life every single day. I mean, you talked about like the 3am wake ups. You talked about feeling the Sunday “scaries”, which I think everybody who’s drinking just that anxiety over my day, morning. And I think it’s because you don’t have this like underlying sense of peace in your life or feeling the ability to just handle things because you’re sharper and you’re more calm. I mean, Sunday scary still happen, but it’s not the same way it was when I was drinking.

Emily Slachetka  15:20

I totally agree with you, and one of the things that you and especially Marriott, who has been awesome at giving me tough mom love.

Casey McGuire Davidson  15:29

By the way, Marriott helps me in the SSK member community. She’s incredible. She’s one of my former private coaching clients, and I’ve known her for 5 years. So, just if you hear her name, she’s wonderful, and she’s in there with me all the time.

Emily Slachetka  15:44

Yeah, she was like, you really encouraged us not to change every single thing in our life, but just to remove drinking and focus on creating a lot of support for yourself. So, it didn’t feel like you were denying yourself by not drinking.

And so, I didn’t change my job. I didn’t like, I didn’t change anything in my life, other than I just stopped drinking and the Sunday scaries and that anxiety ratcheted down so much that I was like, I actually don’t think I have the Sunday scaries anymore. I’m like, there are obviously some Sundays where I dread going to work, or, like something comes up, but it is no, like, this was an every Sunday thing that I was experiencing, like the anxiety was out of control, to the point I’m like, do I need to go on medication? Like, I need more meditation? You know?

I mean, it was just like, something’s wrong with me, right? And I just like, the anxiety is gone. I mean, I have problems, just like everybody else, but like, it’s just such a different experience, and my sleep is so good. If I wake up at 3am, something like, the house is burning down, or, like one of my dogs has started barking, or something like that, it’s not because I, like, I have a headache and my heart’s racing, and my mouth is perched.

Casey McGuire Davidson  17:03

Know when I was drinking, I just felt like I could barely handle my job in my life, like anything new, any new deadline from my boss, any project that had to be redone, like it was going to be the straw that broke me. And it was amazing! Once I stopped drinking, and I got some of that stability from getting a little bit farther away from it, how much easier my job was and how much less stressed out I felt just by not shooting my nervous system to hell and not losing all those hours at night and not sleeping well, you know, just by having that like ticker tape in your brain be gone.

So, if you’re feeling completely overwhelmed with life, and we all do this, right, we’re like we drink because we’re overwhelmed, and yet, if you remove the alcohol by definition, you will feel less overwhelmed, even if you don’t believe us, just, you know, trust us on that.

Emily Slachetka  18:05

Yeah. And just for context, I actually got a promotion in January, and so I was about rats. Yeah, I guess, almost 3 months sober. And so, when I said I didn’t change anything in my life, I actually added more work stress to my plate, because I moved into, like, I manage a multi-million dollar project. I’m a Senior Manager at my company. I’ve got a team of 40 under me, so, like, I’ve got a lot going on, and to feel so good despite so much going on at work, sounded not real to me, like I didn’t sound possible until it became my reality.

Casey McGuire Davidson  18:42

Yeah, and I know that when I was drinking, I actually turned down promotions multiple times because I felt like I couldn’t take on one more thing and I didn’t want more stress, because I felt like strung so thin, like I was barely holding on.

And looking back, sometimes I’m like, how much of that was self-sabotage, because I was drinking and recovering and, you know, just kind of barely getting through the day.

Emily Slachetka  19:14

Yeah, oh, 100%! I mean, it’s just, it’s really impressive how resilient the human body is. And it’s like there is a sense of Wow. I’m kind of impressed that people are able to function so well every single day, but just that, in your landscape, feels terrible all the time, and you don’t actually have to feel that way. I mean, I remember in the first few months feeling like really bored a lot, yes, but that boredom turned into a sense of peace that I have never experienced in my life before. It is pretty incredible.

Casey McGuire Davidson  19:50

Yeah, completely, and I always, I think it’s funny, because when we’re drinking, we tell ourselves that we have no willpower, no doubt. Determination or no follow through, at least, that’s what I told myself. And looking back, I’m like, okay, there is no one with as much willpower and like determination and grit as someone who is going through life drinking and hungover and still maintaining a high level of achievement, because it really is, like you’re running this marathon with a bobbin chain. Tell you to your ankle, and you’re like, working so much harder than you would need to if you let that go, yeah.

Emily Slachetka  20:35

Yeah, I completely agree. And I was, um, really, there was a couple of things that hit me. One was like, I think both of you and Mary have both said that when you’re drinking, you think you’re like, doing all of these things, and it’s so fun and exciting, but you’re literally just sitting by yourself on your couch. And that was my experience.

Casey McGuire Davidson  20:57

Like, Friday night, I would like, have a party by myself at my couch, like, if my husband was there, that was cool, but it was really just me, yes.

Emily Slachetka  21:04

Yes. And, like, by the way, my husband and I watched Survivor and on Friday nights, and we used to watch it with wine. We still watch Survivor, but now I actually remember it, oh, my God, I can interact with him, and it’s a such a better experience.

Casey McGuire Davidson  21:22

Oh yeah, I can’t tell you the number of shows I had to re watch after I stopped drinking, or, like, episodes even when I was drinking, I would have to watch them twice because I didn’t remember the ending.

So, the other thing you wrote in your why that, I think, was the exact same emotions that I was feeling. And I think it’s incredible, no matter how different our experiences are, how close the feelings are.

You said, I want to stop feeling lonely, I want to stop hating my life. I want to stop feeling guilty. I want to stop feeling like alcohol is the only thing that can relax me, or that I live a life so challenging that I have to medicate myself to get through it. I want to stop losing days to recovering or not having enough energy to do the things I planned. I want to stop rearranging my schedule to accommodate drinking. But like hating your life, feeling guilty, lonely, alcohol is your only thing that gets you through your I mean, I felt every single one of them, and I also was like, why am I angry? Why do I hate my life? My life is good, and yet every day I was like, I hate this.

Emily Slachetka  22:42

You know, yes, I was constantly reading books, taking courses, getting coaching on like, how to improve my life, and like, what is so bad in my life that I constantly need to get out of it. And I mean, honestly, once I removed alcohol, very little in my life has changed, but it has gotten so much better?

Casey McGuire Davidson  23:01

Yeah, so, we’re going to talk about some of the highs, but I think there is no question that early sobriety is hard, and it’s hard for all the physical reasons and the emotional reasons and your fears about what life will be like if you stop drinking, the fact that you just don’t know how to navigate things without having that like carrot of alcohol at the end.

And so, one of the things I love is you, literally. I mean you are a Gold Star Girl, because you, like, went through the Sobriety Starter Kit® and, like, did all of the things and reported on all of the things.

And you really wrote about how in your first week, you lowered the bar, which is something I really recommend, but you wrote out all the things you decided to put on pause until 100 days. And can you just give us some of those examples? Because you wrote like a whole list, which was amazing.

Emily Slachetka  24:02

Yeah, by the way, I’ll just say that.

I think one of the reasons I didn’t make it to 100 days the first time is because I was picking and choosing from your guide, like, what I thought I needed or didn’t need. And then once I invested in the SSK Course and group, I was like, I’m just going to do all the things. I’m going to surrender to Casey and do all the things. And it really, really worked. Your program is legit and built for a reason.

So, I did the things, and I made the list of the things I was going to put on pause to lower the bar every time I got really, like, frustrated and upset about my life and feeling stuck, I would like start planning to I can’t tell you how many times I’ve applied to this one Master’s degree program. I was like, I’m not applying to anything else. Like, I’m just not doing anything else. I really like working out, but I’d also like to use it to, like, kind of punish myself and, like, add extra things to my to-do list. And I was like, I’m not doing anything extra else. Of you know, weightlifting, yoga and walking. That’s all I’m doing.

And I decided that I wasn’t doing any home improvements or any, like, decorating for the holidays. I wasn’t which, by the way, my husband doesn’t care that I decorate. It was like, I’m like, I’m just not doing I wasn’t talking to any of my family members who are just kind of negative. I wasn’t keeping up with the news. I wasn’t going to do any like, what is the meaning of my life and my purpose, and like, you know, seeking any of that kind of stuff. It was just I’m just not doing it all. Anything that felt like work to me, in terms of, like, I really do love learning? I was like, I’m putting all learning on the back burner for now.

And so, one of the things you talk about a lot is treating yourself. And I started reading fiction again, and it has been so fun like that was one of my treats was to allow myself to read a book that wasn’t like, work or personal development related. Like, I love that stuff. I was like, just something for fun. And so, those are just some of the examples. But I can’t believe how long my list was of things.

Casey McGuire Davidson  26:06

my God, you’re listing like 30 things that you are not going to do until 100 days. And isn’t it amazing looking back on that, that you were trying to do all those things while doing a full time job, while drinking, and them being like, why aren’t I happy? You know.

Emily Slachetka  26:29

Exactly, it’s just constantly overwhelmed all the time.

Casey McGuire Davidson  26:33

Yeah, and doing it, I felt like, when I was drinking, I felt like I needed to overcompensate. I even, you know, was like, I’m so stressed out. I’m so anxious. I need to train for, you know, 10k and meditate and do yoga and eat healthy and spend more time with my friends, or I could just drink this bottle of wine, you know, like, and the truth is that I just needed to put down the alcohol and actually take care of myself, like emotionally and physically, not punish myself, like you said. It’s such a vicious cycle.

Emily Slachetka  27:09

I did the same thing, like, get really overwhelmed. Drink wine. Feel terrible, get really overwhelmed, overcompensate. I mean, it’s just on and on and on. And once you step out of that cycle, you’re like, Oh, I actually don’t need to be doing a lot. Doing a lot of these things.

Casey McGuire Davidson  27:23

Yeah. Well, and so people always ask me, like, what do I need to expect for my first year? For my first 30 days, my first 100 days, day 200 all the way through, and I went through all of your posts in the Sobriety Starter Kit® Community.

And of course, asked you, like, Hey, are you cool if we share these? And I’ve mapped them out, because you literally talk about, like, day 28 how you felt, and like day 60 to 90, what it was like. So, day 28 you’re about to hit 30 days. How did you feel?

Emily Slachetka  28:02

So, I felt like it was a very easy decision for me not to drink. But once I stopped drinking and started kind of taking care of myself and going through the course, I noticed how much I had going on in my head, just constant thoughts. And like, I think it’s Glennon Doyle that talked about, defrosting or melting.

Casey McGuire Davidson  28:26

Yes, yes. I’ll put the link I wrote about it, because it’s my favorite thing someone said about early sobriety. But she talks about stopping drinking being like, defrosting from frostbite. And like all the emotions start to feel like little pricks and tingles, and then they start feeling like daggers.

Emily Slachetka  28:48

Yeah, yeah. And that happened to me. I think that’s why you talk so much about taking care of yourself and treating yourself, and, you know, adding all those layers of support in, because it does feel really hard emotionally, like you start to notice all of these things that you’ve been kind of numbing out forever are coming up.

And the other thing that I noticed is drinking was everywhere, and it was really annoying. I had to mute social media channels, unfollow people, like not watch certain shows, opt out of emails, not go certain places, not see certain friends, because I felt so overwhelmed with like, how drinking was everywhere.

Casey McGuire Davidson  29:33

And it really is one. You notice it more because it’s obviously triggering. Meaning someone else is drinking, or you see it glamorize, and you’re like, Oh, I love that. I want that, but I feel like you also have more self-compassion about how the hell did I start drinking so much when you see that it literally is every single place.

Social media. When you walk to eat anything, walk into a place, the first thing they do is give you the drinks menu or the wine list. It’s your friends saying, Let’s get a drink. It’s your coworkers talking about it. It’s on every TV show. It really is incredible how many times you see references or suggestions to drink every day? And I got pissed about it, you know, after a while. But also, you’re like, self-compassion, of course, we got into thinking this was innocuous and fine and normal, and it is hard to get out of it in that, like, booze soaked world.

Emily Slachetka  30:43

Yeah, it was really hard. And now that I’m, you know, almost a year, and it really doesn’t feel the same way to me anymore, like, yeah, sometimes I notice it, but it’s just not the same. But in that first, you know, 30 days, it’s really apparent.

Casey McGuire Davidson  30:59

Yeah, and that’s why it is good. I’m glad you unsubscribed and unfollowed people and didn’t necessarily go to the drinking events, because you really do need to build this sober bubble just to give yourself enough time away from drinking, so you sort of don’t think about drinking or get pulled to it unconsciously every Friday night or Saturday night, but also to give yourself some space to get away from those physical cravings.

Emily Slachetka  31:29

Yeah, and I told my husband that I was doing this and that I, you know, didn’t want to drink. Um, so don’t pressure me or tense me or whatever. And he wasn’t. He was doing his own thing, so he wasn’t doing this challenge with me. But, you know, you also recommend getting the alcohol in the house and, you know, telling people and that kind of stuff. And I did that as well. The one place I work remotely. So, I was pretty terrified of my coworkers finding out, for some reason and my leadership team, I thought it was really, really going to negatively affect me. And I can talk a little bit more about that further along, you know, down the journey, but that was, like, my one fear. I’m like, I can do this in the privacy of my own home, but like, I can’t bring this out into the world.

Casey McGuire Davidson  32:15

Yeah, I think that’s so funny, because I had the same fear. And what cracked me up was the I mean, it was real. It was real that I was like, if I stopped drinking, people like, I honestly thought I wouldn’t get promoted. Like, they’d be like, oh shit, she’s got a problem with alcohol, or she’s not fun, or I would miss out on those business conversations. And what was funny. Looking back is I was like, Yeah, but I didn’t feel like showing up to work hungover or like getting totally blitz at a work. Happy hour would negatively, like, impact my career. Of like, Oh no, that’s totally cool.

Emily Slachetka  32:56

I know it is. And I think the other thing you talk about a lot it at the beginning is that you call it the wolfy voice. And so, it’s that voice of addiction or voice of alcohol in your head, and learning to separate that from yourself, because it they really aren’t your thoughts, not the true you, right? And so, I had to start recognizing all of those fears and thoughts as the Wolfie voice. And so, I was doing a lot of that work at the beginning, too.

Casey McGuire Davidson  33:23

Yeah, and that’s that. That name is something actually my Coach used. So, it was Belle from Tired Of Thinking About Drinking. She sort of calls it like, you have to starve the wolf. And I always think of that old parable about, like, you know, you’ve got this good wolf on your shoulder, and this bad wolf on your shoulder and they say, Okay, which one wins? And it’s the idea of whichever one you feed. So, you’re starving that addictive voice until it gets quieter. And it does really help to sort of externalize it and not be like, Oh my god, I’m so upset that I can’t drink, or I really want that alcohol.

You’re like, um, Wolfie’s whispering in my ear that life sucks because I can’t drink, or you should really have that bottle of wine or glass of wine or whatever. So, you can be like, shut up, Wolfie. Like, shut the fuck up. You’re lying to me, because that voice is lying to you.

Emily Slachetka  34:22

Oh yeah, it’s just leading you back to drinking every time, no matter what it says, it’s going back to the same place. Yeah.

Casey McGuire Davidson  34:28

So, you also wrote about how hard the 60 to 90 day period can be, and you wrote about in the group, and what was really helpful is so many of the people were within that time frame, and they were like, Oh, my God, I’m feeling this same way. Thank you for telling me that it’s normal or that you felt it too. But tell us what you felt during the 60 to 90 day period.

Emily Slachetka  34:59

Mm. Yeah. So, the challenge, like, the excitement of starting that 100 day challenge, like that was gone. I like, life was still doing its thing. I always call it Life is life thing is kind of the phrase I use. And now I didn’t have that fallback of just numbing out with a glass of wine. I actually had to, like, deal with it, and that was hard because I still didn’t. I was still testing out different coping mechanisms and how to deal with things, so I wasn’t, like, super sure of that. I don’t think I dealt with pause, but I know a lot of people in the group have dealt with that during this time period and talked about it. However, I did have physical symptoms as well. Like I said, I don’t think they were PAWS, but like, I did. I wasn’t in that cycle of, you know, every like, recovering from the weekend and feeling gross, but I just didn’t feel really good. Like, I hadn’t lost any weight. I felt like gross kind of and like that wolf like, that Wolfie voice was coming up, of, like, what’s the point of not drinking if, like, this is how I’m going to feel, like, if this is how I’m going to look, right?

And I also felt like just bored and stuck and restless and blah and sad, like all the questions were, and I think you and Marriott both refer to it as the liminal space, like I’m the habit of not drinking was ingrained by that point, but I hadn’t moved into life after not drinking. I didn’t feel comfortable in my skin as a nondrinker. Yet harder for me still. What was like, Oh, I’m fixed. I can go back to moderation and have that one glass of wine that I keep romanticizing about and like, enjoy the New Year and Christmas and all of that with champagne, and just be normal again.

Casey McGuire Davidson  36:44

Yeah, be like, quote, unquote, “normal”, which is so funny, but it is everywhere, and it’s normalized. And so most people drink. So, you are sort of put into the idea that if you don’t drink, you are not normal, which is some I’ve done so many podcasts on. How fucked up that is.

But I wanted to talk about this because you said the new shiny allure of the challenge has worn off, and that absolutely happens. I mean, we there is this fading effect syndrome, where you really remember positive memories, and don’t remember the negative ones as much so you forget your why. Like, you know, I want to stop feeling lonely, I want to stop feeling guilty. I want to stop hating my life, right? Like you forget that you actually felt that way, and instead, you’re like, I feel kind of bored. This isn’t exciting. I haven’t lost weight, as opposed to like, Oh my God, my migraines, my hangovers, I can’t remember shit. I, you know, hate, you know, saying stupid things or not remembering what I said.

And so, you know, it is like you’re no longer experiencing those highs and lows of drinking, and sometimes it feels boring.

And you could also look at that as just feeling more peaceful, right you? And so, I think a couple of things. One you mentioned paws, which, if anyone doesn’t know that it’s post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS). It can definitely happen around 60 to 80 days. It happens for a lot of women then, and it’s this sort of dip where you feel again, like you’re an early sobriety and you feel like just a little numb, inability to feel joy. Maybe you have cravings again. Maybe you just feel down, irritated, all the emotions you said, stuck, restless, blah, sad, angry, and so that is like because you were drinking, not necessarily because you’re not drinking. It’s but it is something where the thought that you had be like, Oh my God, if this is what sober life is like, I might as well go back to drinking, because at least then, you know, I got the high. That’s something you kind of just have to go back to the fundamentals of early sobriety and work through that self-care and kind of just hold on again, because it absolutely lifts, and because that happens, that’s why I recommend 100 days.

And like telling everyone, you’re going to do 100 days and being really specific about it, because those ups and downs, they’re pretty predictable, and you need to hold on past that, because you do feel better again. The other thing is, part of me always says, like, if that shiny allure wears off, right? It’s not as exciting to be building up those days anymore, unless you’re actually thinking about going to drinking. That’s actually a great sign. It means like it’s fine. Be like, oh my god, I’m tired of the sober books and the podcast and all that stuff. What that means is you’ve created this time between when your life was filled with drinking or thinking about it or looking forward to it or whatever, and then this new, beautiful, exciting life that’s on the other side. And so, the idea there is to start adding new things into your life, to get a little creative, to experiment. But that also takes effort, right? You can’t just sit in your house and be like, my life’s not exciting. You actually have to try a little bit to, like, meet people and do things. I mean, did you feel that too?

Emily Slachetka  40:38

Yeah, I definitely did. And I will just say, like, a lot of the emotions I talked about, I actually also they’re repeated in my why. So, like, I was having a lot of the same emotions, but they were ratcheted down so much like my like it was the volume had been turned down. So, like, I felt stuck right when I was drinking, and I also felt stuck in that 60 to 90 day period like just stuck in my life, but the intensity was so much smaller in that 60 day period. So, I started being like, Okay, if this is what it is, whatever, fine, I’m committing to that 100 days. I don’t want to let anyone down in the group. There’s a golf pro at our golf club who is sober, and I like, in my head, I didn’t he didn’t know I was doing this, but like, in my head, I had told him I was doing this.

Casey McGuire Davidson  41:28

And so, I’m like, You hadn’t even but you’re like, I don’t want to let this guy, I don’t want to let him down. And I just like, I didn’t want to go back to the beginning, like, I just didn’t want to start over.

Emily Slachetka  41:33

So, I was like, I’ll just push through this. But I did start to think about like little things that I wanted to do, and slowly starting, like exploring different things, I will say that one of the thing like, I had a lot of things happen at my work with during this time period, so I also felt really grateful and proud of myself to navigate those challenging situations, like, we went to Vegas for an executive retreat. So, I’m like, I’m not going to drink around the, like the CEO and our like VP, like our executive leadership team, all of them, like, you know, drink and we’re in Vegas. I’m not going to drink in Vegas.

Casey McGuire Davidson  42:17

Yeah, well, so tell me about that, because you said, one of your big fears was not drinking at work events and feeling like not drinking would actually hurt you. So, you went to Vegas in this situation that was your biggest fear. How did you navigate that?

Emily Slachetka  42:36

So, I, first of all, I wrote down all of the Wolfie thoughts that came up about, like, how I was going to get fired for not drinking.

Casey McGuire Davidson  42:46

Oh, my God, isn’t that funny? They’re going to fire me because I don’t drink.

Emily Slachetka  42:52

I was so scared, um, that I was going to get fired, or, like, rejected, like, demoted, or whatever the case, right? And like that, people would be like, talking about me or, like, It’s so dumb to think back on, but like, these are all like, legitimate fears I had, like the CEO just judge me because I don’t have a glass of wine with them, or whatever.

Casey McGuire Davidson  43:17

Fear is real, and it’s just, it’s so funny looking back, because I felt the exact same way. And it’s just all those limiting beliefs and the judgments that you have about yourself and the judgments you have about people who don’t drink that you kind of just have to live through and be like, Oh, I didn’t drink, and my CEO didn’t fire me, which is so crazy, right?

Emily Slachetka  43:43

Yeah, but I mean, and I was so mean, like, the Wolfie thoughts were so mean, like, you’re an outcast and a loser and pathetic. But so, I wrote all those things out, and then I imagined, like, all of the things that I wanted the experience to be. Instead, I made sure to post, like, every single day in that group. While I was out there, I had a plan of how I was going to handle every meal, because we did, like, team dinners, and shout out to Vegas for having amazing mocktail options, by the way.

Yeah, and I showed up late so that I didn’t have to do to some of the things, so that I didn’t have to do the, like, pre-drink order with everybody. I did, like the snack, the protein snack, like around dinner time, so I wasn’t starving before going to events. I kept to my workout routine, and I just and I took a lot of breaks, like I am the type of person that needs time to myself. And so being in Vegas and around people all the time like it was a lot, but my experience was so incredible, because I didn’t go out until like, 3 or 4 in the morning with everybody and get hammered. And so, when we had our strategy sessions, I was a real contributor. I made such a really, such a good impression on the leadership team, because I was, like, bright eyed and bushy tailed, like, saying all of these things. Like, imagine that, right?

Casey McGuire Davidson  45:09

Yeah, I know what everybody else was going out and getting hammered, right? I mean, I have to think that the leadership team was like, oh shit, she’s pretty bright. We could probably give her more.

Emily Slachetka  45:21

Yeah, exactly. That’s exactly what happened. I made a really, really good impression because I didn’t drink, and I got to wake up and watch this. I would walk around Vegas in the morning. I’ve never walked around Vegas at sunrise. It’s really cool and just see all the things like that. Was such a cool experience. And I was able to have conversations when we went out. Went out and did like team activities in the evenings, have like conversations that I remembered.

I feel like I connected with people in a way that I hadn’t, and it was January, so I was like, Oh, I’m doing Dry January or whatever. And like, everyone wanted to tell me about their Dry January story. And like, they were so impressed with, like, how strong I was to continue it during, like, while I was in Vegas. But honestly, it was a really memorable experience. It built up so much sober momentum. I always loved using, like, the little strong emoji, a muscle. Yeah, it was a huge win for me. And I just like, I threw the kitchen sink all the tools and strategies that you have. I was like, I’m doing all of them because I am coming home sober. And I just remember getting on the getting on the little like tube thing to the airport, and just being like, so proud of myself that I was walking away like eyes clear, full heart, like it was in that totally Friday Night Lights..

Casey McGuire Davidson 

Hi there. If you’re listening to this episode, and have been trying to take a break from drinking, but keep starting and stopping and starting again, I want to invite you to take a look at my on demand coaching course, The Sobriety Starter Kit®.

 

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Casey McGuire Davidson  46:38

I love it. Let’s full hearts, clear eyes. Can’t Lose. Yeah, that’s so true for sobriety. But I mean, imagine if you had, like you had, at 81 days, been like, fuck it. It’s too hard, given into all those fears and then drank it that you never would have known that it could have been good, and it could have been better, and sometimes you just have to be like, I have all these fears, and I’m curious enough anyway to see whether those are true. You know what I mean?

Emily Slachetka  47:16

Yeah, absolutely. I guess around that time period, I also started feeling comfortable enough to go out with friends to dinner, like couples friends and do dinner. And, you know, I started by ordering, like, diet sodas, and then it was, like, trying mocktails, because then you’re officially saying, like, I’m not drinking, right? And then, like, going back to Golf was, you know, I had avoided it for a while because there is a really big drinking culture at the golf club, and I felt comfortable enough to go there and not be a drinker.

And I actually told her, the head bartender there, and she’s been awesome. She makes me mocktails all the time. She’s like, Emily, I have a good mocktail for you. And she started, so awesome, yeah, she started carrying athletic brewing beer there. So, like, I can have a beer with people.

Casey McGuire Davidson  48:08

Yeah? And isn’t that so funny? Because we’re like, oh my god, I’m going to bond with people over alcohol. And she’s like, Please here, you know, I bet she doesn’t do that for everybody who comes in.

Emily Slachetka  48:20

Yeah, exactly. It was really cool. I will share one low that happened.

Casey McGuire Davidson  48:24

Yeah. Share the lows.

Emily Slachetka  48:28

On my day 100, we put our dog down, he died, and that was like, I was so grateful to be sober, to experience that grief, like it was such an intense, like, around a 48 hour period of his decline, and I was, like, so grateful, so sorry.

Yeah, it was, it was terrible. But I was so grateful to be with him, present, like the entire time, and then grief for him. I mean, that grief was so real, and to have like, I obviously, when I started my 100 days in October, I wasn’t like, planning to be defrosted by the time my dog dies, but like, you know, to have access to those emotions and be able to let them out and experience them like that was a huge gift. I had no idea I was giving myself.

Casey McGuire Davidson  49:16

Yeah, and I’ve, I’ve had that experience, not with my dog, but with other really hard things. And it is, it does sort of honor them by you actually being present, like kind of honors their life and their experience and you know what they meant to you by not drinking over it and actually feeling that. I mean at least that’s what I felt.

Emily Slachetka  49:42

That’s how I felt too. Yeah, yeah.

Casey McGuire Davidson  49:45

You also, you mentioned you finally felt able to do couples dinners. And you know, you wrote about how 60 to 90 days was hard.

On right around 90 days, you were really worried about going out to a dinner and you do everything right, which is why I wanted to share, meaning like, the protein snack. When you were in Vegas, you posted before you got all the suggestions, you got all the encouragement. You posted every night you’ve reflected, but you did that as well on this, this dinner you went to, and you talked about all the benefits. You know, dinner was less expensive. You ate mindfully. You were more present. You could follow the conversation. You also said that some of the conversation focused on things that have happened recently while drinking, and you were glad not to be able to relate to this like, blew my mind, concussions from falling down while drinking, days of hangovers, missing events, fights about nothing, buying expensive things that you didn’t know about that showed up. Like, seriously, people were talking about this at the dinner.

Emily Slachetka  50:56

And, you know, like, I, like, I added to that whole list. Like, no judgment, because I’ve done all of those things. Oh, I’ve done all of those things. But it was just like, these were things that had happened recently. It wasn’t like, Oh, do you remember 20 years ago in college? Like, it was like, oh, last week this happened, like, this crazy story about one of the people we were out with who fell and, like, hit their head on a car, on leaving in, like, somebody’s house party, you know, it’s just like, come on, people.

Casey McGuire Davidson  51:24

And you’re like, aren’t we too old for that shit? At some point, right? Like that happened in college, you’d be like, cool. And by the way, also no judgment, because I did all of that shit well into my 30s.

Emily Slachetka  51:37

Same. I was just really grateful to be like, ha, ha. Can’t relate.

Casey McGuire Davidson  51:44

And you know, what’s funny is, like, on the like, the worst part is, before the event, I mean, I was terrified. The first time I went out to dinner with another couple, just like, felt like the minute someone asked me what I was going to drink, I’d like, topple over. But before it is really anxiety inducing, and in the first order, like the first 20 minutes, the first half hour, that’s hard. But you also wrote about like you saw the moment the eye glaze happened with the couple you were out with, and the husband’s conversation was hard to follow, and he got super loud, and you couldn’t stop looking at his purple teeth, and you ran into other couples who were totally trashed, and you’re just like, oh yeah, Drake, he’s so fun, yeah? And this was like, a Wednesday night or something, I mean, middle of the week, and I’m like, how are people functioning the next day? Like, yeah, it was crazy, you know, like, god bless my husband. He was so awesome to go out with, and he made me feel so comfortable ordering diet soda, and he did it too. And like, you know, had a stick going with the waiter. But like, we both looked at each other and we’re like, oh, like, you could see that moment where everything changes, and then it’s just not fun anymore.

Emily Slachetka  52:30

You feel like you’re babysitting toddlers with scissors, right?

Casey McGuire Davidson  53:04

Yeah, completely. And then in February, so I’m trying October, November, December. So, this is like 5 months along. You talked about things that were triggers on day 2 that were no longer triggers on day 126, and you’re so cute. You were like, I’m revisiting module 4 in the course, and I’m looking at these triggers like, you’re totally a Gold Star Girl. But tell us what those were. Because people feel like I am never going to go through a Friday night and not be bummed and feel deprived and all that stuff. So, tell us, like you’re at day 126. What was easier to deal with, or not an issue at all?

Emily Slachetka  53:51

Well, for sure, I guess you could say, like some people, I don’t think like the word trigger, but so maybe if you don’t like the word trigger, you think about it as like a habit or something that prompts you to drink. So, for me, that was 5pm Friday, like as soon as work was over, I could be like, relaxed and just sit on my couch with wine or, you know, go out and have drinks or whatever, um, that was completely gone by February, like I could be at my house on my computer at 5pm and not feel an urge to drink. Like that was awesome. You know, it’s funny that feeling bad about drinking the night before was a trigger to drink.

Casey McGuire Davidson  54:32

Oh yeah, because you’re like, I can stop thinking about this. Real easy.

Emily Slachetka  54:38

But like, obviously I wasn’t drinking, so that wasn’t a thing anymore. There were certain activities, like college football, brunch, breweries, wineries, the golf club, happy hour at the golf club, those kinds of things. Like, I did have to stop doing them for a while, but like at that point, they didn’t in February, like, didn’t bother me anymore. It was fine. I could do all of those things. My weight was, like, always a trigger for me, which is kind of funny, because now that I’m out of the drinking cycle, I just feel a lot differently about my weight. It hasn’t changed, by the way, although my body composition has. But like, that was always a trigger for me. And overall, I feel physically so much better.

And then, I’m trying to think about, like, how to describe it, like having too much to do on the weekends and during the week triggered me to drink, but then also having nothing to do triggered me to drink. So, it was like there was always a good excuse to drink, yeah, and I think, like, all of those things, they were just completely gone.

And then, I had some triggers that I was, like, still building sober muscles around. A lot of them were, like, seasonal related, so I just had, hadn’t hit them yet. Or they were related to work, or related to, like, doing things with couples, like, because I think so many activities with other people are just related to drinking. And so, I was just learning how to navigate those. But I felt like I was good. The one that I was not sure about was an all-inclusive vacation, and we could talk about that one because I did another one.

Casey McGuire Davidson  56:19

Yeah, that was awesome.

Emily Slachetka  56:21

Yeah, but like, one of the things that I felt like was so you talk about halt, and then I don’t know how you say this one, the BPO, HF, the both.

Casey McGuire Davidson  56:30

I don’t know that I say both. Tell me. I always do, like, hungry, angry, lonely, tired, also, bored, overwhelmed. Tell me what the HF is.

Emily Slachetka  56:39

I can’t remember.

Casey McGuire Davidson  56:42

All right, we’ll just go with both.

Emily Slachetka  56:46

But like, I did find that those were still triggers for me. So, if I didn’t manage them, like, I would feel trigger, and not necessarily to drink at that point, but like, like, I knew I wouldn’t drink, but the thought would come up, like, oh, it’d be so nice to have a glass of wine right now, you know what I mean?

Casey McGuire Davidson  57:01

Yeah, and that’s part of like, keeping yourself in that emotional Green Zone, right? Like, just keeping yourself feeling decently good. So, if you’re too overwhelmed, if you’re too angry, if you’re too lonely, depressed, resentful, whatever it is, you’ve got to figure out how to bring that into sort of a normal level. Because when you’re not drinking, it is dangerous to feel that way for too long, you know? And we can manage our emotions and get help or express them, or set down a boundary, or whatever it is, yeah.

Emily Slachetka  57:38

And I think, like, I was still, it was still too early to be thinking about quitting alcohol forever. Like, I like that you tell people not to make a lifelong decision just to focus on the 100 days. Because I think at that point, if I was like, I’m never drinking again, I would have been like, F it, I’m drinking.

Casey McGuire Davidson  57:57

Yeah. And it doesn’t help you at all. I recommend 100 days, even if you’re terrified and you haven’t gotten past day four, because that was me. And then once you’ve set your 100 day goal and communicate it, you can break it down to be like, All right, how the hell am I getting to day 10 and day 21, and day 40? But then set your next goal for 6 months, then a year. You know, I didn’t say I thought I was done with drinking until a year, and at that point I was like, I think I’m done. But to this day, I don’t sit around like visualizing that I will never drink again or debating it, it just, there’s no use in that. I just know I’m not drinking, and I feel better without it. But I’m not like, oh my god, you know, 50 years from now, when I’m, you know, X age, am I really not going to drink? Like, there’s no need.

Emily Slachetka  58:56

Yeah, totally agree. But yeah, it just for me. Just kept going back to the halt, making sure I wasn’t getting overwhelmed or hungry or bored, and just making sure there wasn’t too much on my plate in terms of like my life, not my actual food plate.

Casey McGuire Davidson  59:13

Yeah, and there are definitely things like feeling stuck, you said, feeling stuck in your career or your life, bored or uninspired with your job, signing up for too much, like planning too far in the future, feeling the daily routine and grind. And those are sort of things that, of course, they’re triggers, and you just kind of like sometimes in life, it’s just like, just do the next right thing. Like, yes, I’m overwhelmed and bored in my life or in the routine of life, like, Okay, what’s the next right thing? Maybe it’s taking a day off. Maybe it’s, you know, starting something interesting. Maybe it’s reading a novel. Like, you don’t always have to figure it out right now and be like, Oh my god, do I need to leave off my career. Sometimes it’s like, maybe I need a Career Coach to start. You know what I mean?

Emily Slachetka  1:00:05

Yeah, I found that, like, whenever those things that you just listed came up, it was usually because I was trying to focus on that instead of taking care of myself, like I wasn’t doing the next step. I just needed a break, or, yeah, you know, like I just going back to taking care of yourself. That’s the secret message of the program is take care of yourself. And it’s pretty crazy how many women don’t take care of themselves in, like, huge ways, right?

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:00:35

Yeah, huge ways, definitely. And that’s, that’s definitely, it’s just part of it. You’re moving on. You’re on day like 136. You’re basically at 4 months, right?

Ooh, 5 months.

All right. You’re at five months. You posted on day 136 and you were saying, Okay, I share a lot of wins and successes, but you wanted to balance the scale. You, at that point, you had gotten promoted, you had high stress with very little training and support. You know, you were dealing with your dog passing away, with work travel. And you said that your struggle was sort of confronted with the feeling of not fitting in. And can you tell us about that? Because you stopped drinking, and then you’re left with all the shit that you started drinking over in the first place?

Emily Slachetka  1:01:40

Yeah, so early on, I mentioned that I started drinking in college to fit in with my team, and you know, everybody else who was drinking, and I just kind of always continued drinking because everybody else was, and that’s kind of what you did, even though I didn’t love it. I didn’t love it the way that other people have talked about loving it, and it was just this desire to fit in. Like, I wanted so badly to fit in, and there were so many, there’s so many things in my life that make me feel like I don’t fit in. I don’t have kids. I’m a woman in a male dominated industry. I’m usually the youngest in the room, and everyone I work with is my dad’s age. And you know, even though I work with guys like me, not having kids is like a problem for them, like, so, yeah, funny, yeah.

And then, I’m like, I feel like I’m not fitting in. And then let me just add one more thing to make me not fit in, which is, you know, now I’m not drinking, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And like, I felt like, like, the word weird or weirdo, it, like, just kind of haunted me. And I’m like, I’m the weirdo, the odd one out, and I just wanted to fit in and, like, quote, unquote, be “normal”, right? Like, what does a girl have to do to just fit in and be accepted? And like, that sort of just stuck with me as, like, the emotional baggage that I had been carrying for so many years and just drinking through.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:03:06

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think that all that stuff crops up, and regardless of what your life situation is, and everybody deals with it in different ways, right?

So, you talk about, you know, being younger and not having kids, and being the only woman kind of in the room, and anytime a woman is working in a male dominated field, I think I’ve done a couple podcasts on this, but there are a lot of things that are sort of like the microaggressions or the, you know, the double standard of how you’re perceived. One of the best ones, I interviewed Christy Coulter, who wrote the book, Exit Interview.

Emily Slachetka  1:03:50

Oh, my God. Such a good book.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:03:52

Such a good one. I love her, and I’m actually friends with her, but that book is incredible. It talks about her years at Amazon, which is, which is a heavily male dominated workplace, and she spent half of her career there drinking and half not drinking. And it was, it’s just really interesting.

But I also liked that, you know, you’re at 5 months, and you were like, Okay, here’s how I’m supporting myself right now. Like Coaching, adding a Therapist, prioritizing sleep, nutrition, family, connection, nature movement, reinforcing your alcohol free decision with resources, participating in the member group, intentionally doing less work, sober treats. I mean, that is the level. I mean, I’ve talked about this like, what happens after 100 days? The level of support you need doesn’t really change. It’s the type of support you need as you sort of just navigate. The shit that it’s like, right?

Emily Slachetka  1:05:01

Yeah, yeah. And I mean, like, I’m so grateful and lucky that I’m able to add all of these things into my life to support myself. Like, I recognize that not everybody has access to all of these resources, but I’m really glad that I decided not to deny myself them, because I can’t, I do have access to them. And I think there is a part of me that’s like, like, I’m fine. I can just, you know, gut through it, push through it, like I don’t need all that. Like I don’t need to be soft and but like, truly, it has. These are the things that get you through the hard time. It’s taking care of yourself and adding in more support than you feel like you need or that you deserve, and I tell that to people in the group all the time, because it’s so true, like, Don’t give yourself the bare minimum. Give yourself as much as you possibly can, because it’s really, really going to make a difference.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:05:55

And some of that is just personal development work and developing new coping skills that maybe we should have learned when we were 18 or 20 or 25 but we were too busy, you know, drinking over it, or we were never taught.

My idea with therapy is, I started it when I was 4 months sober, related to work stuff and anxiety and boundaries, and I’m sure every, you know, my relationship with my family as a child, whatever it is. But if you do the work, then you get to move through that and finally resolve it and move forward in a healthier place. I mean, stuff will are always crop up, but it’s not unusual. You hit 4 months, 5 months, 6 months to need to do some work around personal development, or therapy or, I mean, there’s a reason we all drink, right? And there’s a lot of stuff we don’t deal with.

Emily Slachetka  1:06:49

Yeah, yeah. For me, it was definitely that sense of like wanting to fit in, and, you know, feeling like the weirdo outcast, and, of course, also like boundaries and self-worth tied up in achievement, that kind of stuff. But now, you know, I’m achieving in a better way. Yeah, all the gold stars.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:07:09

I know, I know, and just being more confident and at peace with yourself. So, one of my favorite things I’ve told you this, that you posted in the group was your Q1 2Q evaluations. And it cracked me up, because I, of course, I used to do this in Corporate.

So, in April, you posted q1 evaluation. You were at 7 months sober, and so you went through what worked, what didn’t work, your takeaways, implementation for Q2. I mean, this cracked me up, but will you?

So, you’re at 7 months. We’re talking about the highs and lows of the first year.

I think it’ll really help people, right? We talked about, you know, 28 days and 60 to 90 and 90 and 125, and 5 months. So, we’re at 7 months. What was your Q1 recap?

Emily Slachetka  1:08:01

So, I have a really, really long list of things that worked well, because I think it’s important to celebrate and notice the things that worked well instead of focusing on, you know, what didn’t work and always like sitting in troubleshooting. So, I wanted to give myself a lot of credit for the good things. Let’s see. Things that really helped me. I got an actual wall calendar, and I put my 10 day increments in there so I could get excited about every time I hit another 10 days, checking in regularly with the group, posting my own stuff, and then, like cheering others on. I set some year’s intentions that had nothing to do with losing weight for the first time in years. They were just like fun things for me, and it made my daily experience really fun.

I was taking photos of nature and, reading fiction and that kind of stuff. I started coming up with ideas of things I could do with my friends previously that had involved around drinking, and now it was like working out and going for walks and that kind of stuff. I mentioned our golf club bartender, and just having alcohol-free options. I started really liking the athletic brewing beer. So good. I’ve never been a beer person before, and like, exploring different mocktails was really fun.

I focused on all the small, little, incremental changes I was noticing in my health versus like, instead of like, I’ve lost 50 pounds, it was like, Oh, I just like, feel better physically, or my skin looks better, or whatever. Kept trying to lower the bar as much as possible, and noticing, like, how good emotions felt like I was able to access good emotions, and, of course, like I also had the, you know, the quote, unquote “negative” emotions. But it just felt really good to feel emotions again. Those are some of the highlights.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:09:52

All right, let’s talk about what didn’t work, right? So, you’re moving through, like, months, what. 4 to 7 in Q1. what didn’t work?

Emily Slachetka  1:10:03

Okay, trying to get my husband to do this with me did not work. Massive fail.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:10:11

You were like, I want you to go alcohol-free with me. And you tried. You said overt and covert methods. Yep. And he was somehow not interested.

Emily Slachetka  1:10:20

You’re like, No, I’m good, but he’s supportive of me. But he was like, I’m not interested. Stop asking. I tried really hard to find a therapist, and I actually found one just recently. It was really hard to find somebody, and I think part of it is because I wasn’t, like, in crisis, so I felt I wasn’t pushing. You know what I mean? I wasn’t like, I need someone. I just wanted to work with a therapist. When I hit 100 days, I really thought I’d be like, Okay, now I can work on that checklist that I put on PAWS. And I was like, not ready. Um, so. And then the weather started changing, and I did not expect the Wolfie wine witch to come back and be like, hang out on the porch in a nice spring weather and like, have a glass of Rosé.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:11:09

Yeah, I think every season has signals to drink, like we’re so ingrained. You drink in the fall at Halloween and football games and whatever, and then you drink in the winter, at the holidays, and then you drink in, you know, the spring. I mean, we’re ridiculous.

So, I think even in your first year, or especially for your first year, every new event is a little bit hard, right? You should plan for it and figure out how to navigate it and figure out alcohol-free things like I have in the course. Like a summer alcohol-free bucket list and a fall alcohol-free bucket list, where you kind of come up with your own. Okay, here are my seasonal triggers. Here’s what it’ll be hard to do without drinking. Here are all the things I love that I never did, like, Let me think about what I actually want to enjoy this season without drinking. Because what you said is, you know, these triggers come up, right it? They’re surprising.

Emily Slachetka  1:12:12

Yeah. And I did do your fall bucket list thing, which was really fun. So, I’ll have to do it. I’ll to revisit it and do another one, since it’ll be, like, my second time going through fall, um, and then I just wasn’t expecting to use sugar and food as a coping mechanism for so long. Like, I thought I would be done with it, and I got really, like, down on myself. And, like, you should know better. You, like, understand nutrition. What’s wrong with you?

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:12:40

Yeah, but you also use, like you said, you used cardio and doing other like going on the walks and posting pictures of the walks and stuff like that. And I think with any habit change, it does take time, right? In my mind, I’m always like, hey, eating cookies or brownies or a milkshake is way better than drinking, which you know is this thing that we know drags us down. But I absolutely hear you that you know that internalized voice and internalized guilt and that like, should, I should be able to not do this.

Emily Slachetka  1:13:22

That’s hard. Yeah, and I mean, I looking back on it, I absolutely recommend people to use sugar and food as long as they need to, because I think you will naturally just reach a point where you’re like, Okay, I’m kind of done with that. Looking for something else. But it is so worth having more sugar than your body, you know, like needs, just so that you can get through the cravings, in my opinion.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:13:45

Yeah. And so, you would takeaways. What were your takeaways?

Emily Slachetka  1:13:50

Okay, 10 day increments were awesome for me. Um, I discovered that people just actually, really don’t care about my alcohol free thing, unless, for some reason they have a hang up about it, like for most people, if I told them, they’re like, Oh, that’s cool, or they’d like, share, you know, one or two things about themselves, and then we’d move on, unless, like, they had an issue that they were dealing with, yeah, um, I mentioned that I started really enjoying mocktail recipes. Um, I thought that the Wolfie voice would be eliminated. And so, when it came up, I was like, Oh my God. Like, it’s such a failure, but it’s just an opportunity to continue building that sober momentum. It’s not a failure.

And then, some of the things that we talked about, like, why I was even drinking, like, you know, patterns around, like, over functioning and achievement and sitting in and that kind of stuff like those were those patterns are really starting to make themselves apparent. I’m like, Oh, I kind of need to do something with this.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:14:48

Yeah, for sure. So, you moved through that, and then I wanted to talk about your all-inclusive, because that was the one that at 81 days in your pre. Previous stretch, you were like, Yeah, I want a margarita. And then you said it, like, slowly or not. So slowly pulled you back into that. So around 8 months, you went to an all-inclusive again. And I mean, amazing in the group, you were like, day one, day two, day three. But so helpful. So many people were like, oh my god, I’m going to an all-inclusive. I’m going on vacation. This was really helpful, or you gave them hope that it was possible. So, tell us what that all-inclusive was like, because you did a great job of like, this was hard. These were the glimmers I saw all that good stuff.

Emily Slachetka  1:15:40

Yeah. So just to start off, I intentionally scheduled our all-inclusive after 100 days, because I didn’t want to be in like that 100 day period. So, I was like, over 200 days when we went. I am so glad that I posted we were going because you, you helped me recognize that the desire to drink would probably crop up in that first day, mainly because there’s a habit, like, I always drink on vacation. And so, when it did happen, I wasn’t like, Oh, my God, something’s gone wrong, or like, oh, I should drink because I had this thought come up. So, I was expecting it, and I was prepared. And instead of doing all the things, like having champagne at check in, I was like, actually, I’m really thirsty. We’ve been traveling for hours. Like, I’d like some water and, like, instead of margaritas at the pool, I knew all already. I was going to do seltzer with, like, a splash of cranberry and a lime.

When we went out to dinner, I already knew what kind of drinks I was going to have.  Like green tea and, you know, espresso or whatever. And it was like, looking back, I was like, wow, I can’t believe how much I would have drank on day one if I had followed, like the original plan, like the original template.

Yeah, so I think I started just noticing, I was, like, intentionally looking for glimmers, and I saw these, like, cute little kittens, like, on the resort property, and just noticing how warm the ocean water was and, like, how soft the sand was, you know, my earrings matched my dress. The sushi that we got was, like, so delicious. And we went to a casino, and the ceiling was, like, real glittery. I mean, like, I was trying really hard to find the glimmers, but it was like, Oh, actually, like, we’re in a really beautiful place, and this is, like, that way you’re like, romanticizing sobriety instead of romanticizing drinking.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:17:33

And a lot of life is just what you notice and what you focus on.

Emily Slachetka  1:17:43

Exactly. Yeah. So, I just kind of went with that approach of, like, if the desire to drink comes up, it’s okay, I’m just not going to follow it. It’s just a habit. And then, like, intentionally looking for those glimmers. And I posted a lot about the different glimmers that I noticed. And like, by the way, kudos to the Dominican Republic for their amazing frozen margaritas that were alcohol-free because they were so good.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:18:05

And by the way, people can make any Margarita, Mojito, whatever it is, they can make them alcohol free, and they taste really, really good. So don’t be afraid to just be like, oh, I want a margarita that’s alcohol free or without alcohol. Like, bartenders know how to do that.

Emily Slachetka  1:18:24

Yeah, and they like doing it. They like trying different things.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:18:27

Bartenders also get sick of stupid drunk people. They’re like, Oh, okay.

Emily Slachetka  1:18:32

I think so, too. Um, but yeah, I mean, I I’m not. My husband makes our coffee, and he does such a good job. So, I’m like coffee impaired in terms of, you know, ordering it. So, I just took the opportunity to try all these different coffees. And it was so, like, so many different variations like that was a huge glimmer for me. We every day we went to the beach, and I had this huge fiction book that I had brought and just laid there and just like watched nature all day, and like it was so peaceful Casey, to just like, be there and not feel like the knock of drinking on my shoulder, like you have to get up and get a refill or whatever, get crazy and party, it was just it was so peaceful.

And like, I could taste food and taste the drinks and just watch things and enjoy things. And that was kind of how we spent a lot of our days, just like you said, noticing things like the tiles in the pool were glittery, and feeling the waves like lapping on my skin, you know, really enjoying the porch off of our room and the colors around us were so vibrant, just the taste of the food. I mean, every afternoon, when my husband would take a nap, I would go and work out. And just like being by myself, working out quietly, like it was so relaxing. I have always gone on vacation being like, oh, I want to decompress from work and rejuvenate Brunei. And I, like, actually felt like I did this time, like I actually felt restored.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:20:09

Yeah, and you wrote that you were expecting to be bored and restless and annoyed. And I love this, like, barely tolerating everyone and everything around you and fighting the temptation to drink and that it would be like, dull and grayscale, which you said it turned out to be vivid Technicolor of richness. And I just love that contrast of like, grayscale versus Technicolor.

Emily Slachetka  1:20:34

Yeah, I really, really was expecting to just grit my teeth and be like, Okay, I did an all-inclusive vacation sober. Like, done. I was very skeptical of sober travel, to be honest. I was like, this is going to suck so bad.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:20:49

So, with 8 months, you said 10 out of 10 recommend sober travel, even though you were skeptical about it.

Emily Slachetka  1:20:55

Yeah, 10 out of 10. I mean, I would give it like a million out of 10 totally.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:20:59

I say that all the time. I’m like, you are going to love sober travel and people like, Screw you. No, I’m not.

Emily Slachetka  1:21:07

It’s so true, Yeah.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:21:09

So just try it, but prepare, like Emily said, like, think it through. Get a plan. Expect to want to drink but look for the good stuff. Look for the glimmers, take care of yourself. Okay?

At 10 months, 300 days, you did a q2 evaluation. And I do love going through this by timelines, because, seriously, this is what people want to know they’re like, all right, I’m at e8months, what is it going to feel like, or whatever, so what was your q2 evaluation of what worked, what didn’t?

Emily Slachetka  1:21:43

I had a lot of stress in q2 and so I could have had, like, any excuse to drink, and I didn’t. And so that was like, that worked for me. I was really excited about that. I had, by that point, done a lot of work, travel, work events, and had felt comfortable ordering alcohol free beverages in front of my coworkers, and it just wasn’t a thing. Like, I don’t know if people talk about me or not about it, but like, so far, nobody’s ever said anything, and I haven’t gotten fired at all. I do keep getting promoted. So, all my fears about work are nonexistent at this point, at this point in time, separating my Wolfie voice was, like, so easy. Like, as soon as it came up, I’m like, Oh yeah, Wolfie, whatever. Like, I imagine, like, patting it on the head and then being like, Okay, thank you. Enough from you.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:22:31

Like a toddler, right? Yes, very angry. Want this.

Emily Slachetka  1:22:39

Um, I was starting to enjoy my weekends as well as Sunday a lot more now, like I was starting to do things and feeling like I was coming alive. And so, it wasn’t just like grinding through sobriety, it was like, oh this. I’m actually like enjoying my life. I’m still doing the 10 day increment checking in, still doing the alcohol free beverages, still not on social media, and then like, those triggers and those fears just weren’t a thing for me. I also had been working a part time job secretly on the side, in addition to my full time job, and I decided that I needed to let that go, because it was too stressful, too much on my plate, and I just needed more space, and I felt really confident to give it to myself, because it was just another form of taking care of myself that I was learning through going through that program, very cool.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:23:35

And then you said that for Q3, you want to make a sober bestie in real life, cardio one to two times a week. Find a therapist, which you said you did. Finally, yeah, delegate or delay things at work and keep lowering the bar. How’s the sober bestie thing going?

Emily Slachetka  1:23:56

Um, not well. To be fair, I don’t think I’ve really made a lot of effort. So, one thing that I’m going to be doing, we were planning to move this summer. Now, we’re not, and so I’m re-engaging in some of my real life friendships, and all of my friends are totally open to not drinking with me. I mean, I don’t think they’re going to remove alcohol from their lives, but like getting some of those activities, the sober activities, like getting those on the calendar and just having fun with people, like doing stuff in nature or working out or whatever, like, I’ve got a pretty incredible group of friends, and I’m hoping, like you always say, follow the divine breadcrumbs. I’m hoping like that will just like, kind of lead to the next thing.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:24:48

Yeah. And the more you just tell people that you don’t drink, the more people will be like, Oh, that’s really… I mean, I’ve had lots of people be like, Oh, my friend, doesn’t drink. You guys should hang out. I mean, it sounds stupid, but that definitely happens as well.

Yeah, yeah. All right, so you were closing in on a year right now, which isn’t it crazy? Like, what a transformational period it is just by removing alcoholic beverages, like, how much growth you go through in your life, and all the aha moments and realizations, even when it’s hard.

Emily Slachetka  1:25:22

Yeah, it’s crazy because, like, there has a I guess a lot has changed in my life, but I feel like I haven’t made, like, these massive life changes. The biggest thing I’ve done is I stopped drinking, and I feel like it’s the best decision besides, like, maybe marrying my husband, like this is the best decision I’ve made. Like, truly, and I don’t think it would have been possible without joining the course, the SSK group.

Yeah, no, I’m serious. Like, the program is so in depth, and step-by-step. It’s like, it’s so easy. It’s simple to follow. I don’t know if it’s necessarily easy to follow, but it’s just, like, laid out for you, like, exactly what you need to do every step of the way. It’s so in depth and good and filled with science packed resources. Like, I really appreciated that you came from a similar corporate background as I did. I could relate to that. And I can tell that you’ve just put so much intention into the way that the course is put together, and then the community is filled with like such incredible women in all different stages of life and life circumstances.

And like you said earlier, we all have a lot of similarities in how we’re experiencing going through taking alcohol out of our lives. And I’m just always so inspired by all of the women in the group, like they’re so incredible what they’re doing with their lives, and seeing what they’re doing once they remove alcohol. Like, I feel so honored to be a part of the group.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:26:55

Yeah. And it’s I always say, like, I love women who have stopped drinking because they’re really self-aware, and even if they’re working on it, like we all relate to that struggle, so because we’ve been through it, so there’s like, an immediate like, whether someone’s in the drinking cycle and trying to get out of it, or just hit 30 days, or whatever, you’re like, Oh, I got you. Like, I understand what’s going on.

I met someone at a beer festival in Bend, but they had kombucha and a beer and just friend of a friend. And my friend was sober, and this woman was like, Oh, do you do you not drink too? And I was like, Yeah, I don’t drink. And she was like, Oh, how long ago did you quit? And then she said, seven months. And we immediately were like, oh, yeah, you know, like, we get each other. It’s super cool.

Emily Slachetka  1:27:42

Yeah. And I think it really is, like, I think any stopping it for any period of time is great, but there is a difference when you go for 100 days, it’s so smart that you said 100 days, versus, like, just doing, like a 30 day dry January, like, something changes in that 100 days. And then I want to say, like, you just get this desire to keep going and see where it goes, and big shifts happen in your life with just by removing alcohol.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:28:09

Yeah, and you can see it’s better, like, you need that distance from not drinking to, like, accurately be able to evaluate the impact it had, or how different and richer your relationships are, or your peace of mind, or your work or general happiness, or whatever it is, and it’s really hard to see that if you’re like 2 weeks away from drinking or 30 days, because you know you need to get that clarity, and you’re still kind of in the struggle in the beginning.

Emily Slachetka  1:28:42

Yeah, yeah. And I just, I feel like looking back to the person that I was last October, to where I am now. I just feel so at peace in my life, so hopeful for the future, so excited and full of life. And I have to thank you, Casey for that, because I know I’m the one who, like, did the work and walked to the steps, but like, I really don’t feel like you gave me, like, the map and the directions, and I don’t feel like I would be where I am now without you. So, thank you so so much.

Casey McGuire Davidson  1:29:13

Oh, you’re so welcome. Seriously, so welcome. I’ve loved getting to know you and like you help so many women in the group. Like, You’re so thoughtful. That’s why I wanted to have you on, and you’ve done such a great job of just documenting the different phases, which not a lot of people do. Like, I emailed my Coach every day for like, 2 years because I am also a Gold Star Girl, but a lot of people just don’t have that journal, or that log of the ups and downs and the emotions, and when you look through them, you can really see how much you’ve grown in a way you can’t, like, say you’re 11 months sober and life is going on and work is going on and this and that.

And you’re like, Yeah. Did it make a big difference? And if you go look back on everything that you’ve experienced and moved through and grown, it really is impressive.

So, anyone listening to this like start a journal post in a group, like, document your feelings in some way, because you’re going to want that later. Like you said. You were like, I don’t know if I have that. And I was like, let me pull up, get a Word doc. Everything you said.

Emily Slachetka  1:30:42

Thank you for having me Casey.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Hello Someday podcast.

If you’re interested in learning more about me, the work I do, and access free resources and guides to help you build a life you love without alcohol. Please visit hellosomedaycoaching.com. And I would be so grateful if you would take a few minutes to rate and review this podcast so that more women can find it. And join the conversation about drinking less and living more.