SUMMARY KEYWORDS

drinking, life, day, people, alcohol, feel, happy, sober, stop, learned, friends, quit, living, bigger, coach, drags, support, fucking, good, number, 5-year, anniversary, alcohol-free, navigate, drinking obsessed culture, without a buzz, how to sit with your emotions, lonely, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, how to self soothe, without a drink, decision, stop drinking, best decision of your life, quit drinking, accomplishment, achieve, reflect, share, without alcohol, Coaching, supporting women, quitting drinking, writing, learning, stay on this path, curious , look ahead, experience, takeaways, live a life without alcohol, not drinking is the foundation, do, feel, be, drinking kept me stuck, headspace, energy, issue, compared to how I feel without constantly thinking about drinking, the goal is to get unstuck, clarity, build the life that you want, you want to feel better, that is enough, when we drink, our world gets smaller, unconsciously start to edit our choices, you get more resentful, get away from drinking, to have your world open up again, bigger purpose, just to consciously start noticing, start paying attention, and start making choices that make you happier, things that make you feel better, take better care of yourself, writing down what makes you feel happy, enjoy, smile, feel at peace, who lights you up when you get into a state of flow, notice what fucking makes you grit your teeth, cringe, barely tolerate, important, exercise, to create, to listen, schedule, habit, talking to friends, working out, feeling good about myself, going for a walk, listening to music, listening to podcasts, expanding my brain, imagination, cuddling my kids, list, compare the list, start adjusting, Days off of work, going on trips, buying myself flower, start doing more of what you love, seeing signs, things that light you up, draw you to them, divine breadcrumbs, uplifting, mind space, optimism, conversation, Core Energy Coaching, past and future, magic, possibilities, amazing, seeing signs that the universe is conspiring to make that happen for her, don’t need to wait until ups actually want to stop drinking, trust people, life is better on the other side, you want so much in your life, stopping drinking is so much easier with help, guidance, discipline, get my shit together, words matter, labels matter, approaches matter. You need to find the right one for you, keep on looking, switch your mindset, A.A., 12 steps, view of life, keep trying, be proud of what you’re doing, alcohol-free, healthy choice, lifestyle choice, positive, empowering, once you stop drinking, you don’t have to be living in, “recovery”, Sober Coach, living, physically, mentally, emotionally, when you stop drinking, your world gets bigger and more exciting and more adventurous, not smaller. But that happens a lot more quickly. And is way more fun. If you’re open. If you try new things, if you give yourself assignments, if you create a bucket list and a vision board or even create one for every season, more exciting, more adventurous, make it happen, take action, be proactive, stop trying to please everyone, say “no”, eliminate friction in your life, boundaries are your best friend, people pleasing is a no-win game, ditch it, opt out, make some changes in your life, you are meant to be happy, it is your job to make yourself happy, no one else will do it for you, give you permission to do it, vision board, put yourself at the top of your to do list, and then all the rest will fall into place, how can I take care of myself today? What do I need today?, do it, you are not stuck, if you don’t like something, change it, you are not a victim, you have power, how is this happening for me?, inner block, fears, limiting beliefs, hesitations about changing the familiar, about not wanting to cause waves, about not wanting to try and fail, about wondering what people will say or think about you, if you do something different if you take time for yourself, you need to listen to people who motivate you, and hang out with badass people who are doing badass things, you need to take the first step, be uncomfortable and do it anyway, hire a Coach, or find someone to mentor, you do that, your life will change and get better, little by little, day by day, inspiration, how to manifest the shit out of life, You can only really control yourself and what you do, and drinking is not making your relationship better, stop drinking first, relationships change and evolve, improve, In every situation, I want you to ask yourself, what do I want?, making things work, juggling projects, making other people happy, fulfilled, relaxed, honored, appreciated, look for the win-win with your own needs as primary, you really need to pay close attention to who in your life lights you up, versus who drags you down, edit your close circle of friends, edit them to find the people who lifts you up, you are allowed, and I am encouraging you to actually edit your close circle of friends are the people you surround yourself with. You should be around people who light you up, and not those who drag you down, nobody is perfect, do I want what they have?, layers of support, read Quit Lit books, listened to podcast, sober vacation, gratitude, EMDR therapy, sober besties, yoga retreats, book clubs, brunches, reinforcement, red flag, SOS, don’t spend all your time for your rest of your life, desiring drinking and not doing it, you get to the tipping point, habits tipping point, magical moment, not drinking is in alignment with your identity, Making sure that you keep yourself in the green zone emotionally, is a daily calibration, emotional sobriety, You always need something to look forward to, big things, small things, never question the decision to stop drinking, maladaptive coping strategy, Take time to envision your ideal life, stay the course

SPEAKERS: Casey McGuire Davidson 

00:02

Welcome to the Hello Someday Podcast, the podcast for busy women who are ready to drink less and live more. I’m Casey McGuire Davidson, ex-red wine girl turned life coach helping women create lives they love without alcohol. But it wasn’t that long ago that I was anxious, overwhelmed, and drinking a bottle of wine and night to unwind. I thought that wine was the glue, holding my life together, helping me cope with my kids, my stressful job and my busy life. I didn’t realize that my love affair with drinking was making me more anxious and less able to manage my responsibilities.

In this podcast, my goal is to teach you the tried and true secrets of creating and living a life you don’t want to escape from.

Each week, I’ll bring you tools, lessons and conversations to help you drink less and live more. I’ll teach you how to navigate our drinking obsessed culture without a bus, how to sit with your emotions, when you’re lonely or angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, how to self soothe without a drink, and how to turn the decision to stop drinking from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life.

I am so glad you’re here. Now let’s get started.

 

 

Hi there. I am excited to record this podcast today because it is my 5-year anniversary. Since when I quit drinking. And when I look back at the number five, it seems impossibly big. Because I remember when it was so hard for me to get past day 5, and 30 days seemed like such a long time. And 100 days was an accomplishment that I was bursting with pride over and a year was more than I thought I would ever achieve.

 

So, in this episode, I wanted to reflect on and share with you the big things I’ve learned over 5 years without alcohol. And what I’d learned from Coaching and supporting women who’ve been quitting drinking. During the last 5 years, I started writing this episode and writing down all the things that were big for me the things that surprised me, the things I didn’t know, to start and what I’m still learning. And it turns out that there are 25 things that I wanted to share. 25 things I’ve learned in 5 years without alcohol that I didn’t know before, that have helped other women to know, as they’re starting out. And that have helped me stay on this path. The one that I know in my heart is right for me, not just in the first 100 days, but even in year 2, and year3 and this last year as well. So, if you’re just starting out, or if you’re sober, curious, or are at 5 months alcohol-free or 2 years on this path, here’s a look ahead to what my experience has been and my takeaways from the decision to quit drinking and live a life without alcohol.

 

So, the most important thing I’ve learned and what I couldn’t have imagined at the beginning, is that not drinking is actually not the goal. Not drinking is the foundation for all the other things you want to do and feel and achieve and be in your life. Looking back over five years, I see that drinking kept me stuck. It took up so much of my headspace and my energy for I mean, close to 8 years before I finally quit drinking, I knew it was an issue. It kept me treading water in this lukewarm and just “okay” life and not that my life wasn’t good. And it’s just compared to how I feel without constantly thinking about drinking. I look back and say it could have been so much better. The hangovers and the nights on my couch slipping through my fingers that left me accomplishing a small percentage of what I was really capable of. And don’t get me wrong, I actually could have probably kept treading water with this weight around my ankle that was trying to pull me down. I was working really hard to stay afloat. I could have kept doing that for a bunch more years, maybe forever. But what I found in looking back is that going through life with headaches and hangovers and wondering if there’s enough wine at home and wondering if I’m drinking too much and people are noticing. Seeing or feeling irritable on the nights I wasn’t drinking, I am so glad I didn’t keep living that way. But even with that, not drinking is not the end goal. The goal is to get unstuck, so that you have the energy and the clarity, to do everything you want to do in life, so that you can build the life you want.

 

So that you’re not settling for less and achieving less than you’re capable of. When you’re drinking, you’re sort of in suspended animation every day, and you’re living a Groundhog Day. And something that Clare Pooley said to me. Who wrote, The Sober Diaries, that really stuck with me, and this is how I feel as well. She said that, it wasn’t so much the things she did when she was drinking that she regrets. Because she really didn’t do anything that bad. She said it was the thing she didn’t do. And it was the days and the weeks and the years slipping through her fingers.

 

So, the number 1 thing I’ve learned is that the goal is not just to not drink, the goal is to build the bigger, better life you’re going to have when you’re not fuzzy and muted, and dull and recovering all the time.

 

The 2nd thing I’ve learned in 5 years without alcohol is that it is 100%. Okay, and honestly pretty normal if you have zero ideas about what that bigger, better life looks like. And it’s okay to just start with the idea that you’re going to try to not drink for an extended period of time. Because you kind of feel like shit right now. And you want to feel better. That is enough. And you might not be able to imagine something else, or something bigger, or something different, right now, what you want in your life without drinking, because so much of your life right now includes a drink as your constant companion, as your best buddy and your wingman. And the thing that you take around that makes life more fun, for a couple of hours until it makes it a whole lot less fun for the other 20 to 21 hours of your day. The fact is, that when we drink, our world gets smaller. We unconsciously start to edit our choices, what we do with our free time, who we hang out with what we settle for what we think is possible, you get more resentful, you get more constricted, you feel like you have this constant weight on your shoulders of life. And you actually have to get away from drinking, to have your world open up again. So even if you don’t know what your bigger, better thing in life is, without drinking, it will come. And in order to start imagining what that bigger purpose, the bigger “Yes”, as Laura McKellen calls it. In your life, might be the easiest step I found is, just to consciously start noticing and start making choices that make you happier. things that make you feel better, that take better care of yourself. Start paying attention, starts writing down what makes you feel happy. Literally, what you enjoy how big or how small it is, doesn’t actually matter. Notice when you smile, when you feel at peace, who lights you up when you get into a state of flow. And also notice what fucking makes you grit your teeth. What you cringe out what you barely tolerate. That’s important too.

 

My favorite exercise is to create, to listen. And to be honest, I actually did this for the first time, a couple of months before I actually quit drinking and I was feeling so unhappy and so put upon. And I couldn’t figure out why. So, I made two lists. The first was what you do every day and just noticing 90% of the time on a Monday through Friday on the weekend. What’s your schedule? What’s your habit from when you wake up in the morning to when you put your head on the pillow most nights? So, for me, I would get up I would feel hungover. I would have to deal with my kids, and I would feel really impatient about it. I was sort of behind the 8 ball every day. I would drive to work and sort of cringe opening my emails. I would eat lunch at my desk I would leave work. Just rushing to get to my kids. I would come home I would drink that would light up my brain. I would feel relaxed, I would watch TV and I would get fuzzy, I would not remember anything I would quote unquote fall asleep, aka, pass out on the couch some nights, my husband couldn’t wake me up, I would wake up on the couch alone in the dark at two or three in the morning, climb upstairs trying to be quiet, opened the door to my room trying to be quiet, wake up at 3:00a.m. with anxiety, repeat. So, that was most of my days, which, no wonder I felt like shit.

 

Then write a list of what makes you actually happy. And what made me happy was talking to friends or working out and feeling good about myself. What made me happy was going for a walk and listening to music and listening to podcasts and expanding my brain in my imagination from my email, and my work means and cuddling with my kids make me happy and escaping my kids made me happy. So, I wrote down the list of what made me happy. And then you compare the list, and you start adjusting. And guess what? Days off of work made me happy. And going on trips made me happy. And all those things, buying myself flowers. So, if you don’t know what your bigger, better thing is, what the goal is, beyond not drinking, start making your two lists. And once you start doing more of what you love, and less of what brings you down, you’re going to start seeing signs of things that light you up and that draw you to them. I call them my divine breadcrumbs, and they are all around you. They’re leading you to a place that is better and brighter and more uplifting than where you are now. But you need to have the energy and the mind space and the time and the optimism to look for them. And that’s easier when you’re not drinking. And I actually had a conversation with a client this week, that gave me all the tingles and all the goosebumps when I was talking to her. Just the energy and the optimism of our conversation was amazing. We were doing Core Energy Coaching, she’s at about 60 days, since she stopped drinking. And we were talking about where she’s been in the past and the future. And she said now, in stopping drinking, it feels different this time. She said she feels like there is magic there. She’s feeling all around her that the possibilities are amazing. If she sticks around to see them. And we talked about how she knows what giving up feels like she knows what happens when she goes back to drinking, and how much she wanted to see what happens when she doesn’t. She seen glimpses of that. And we talked about what she wanted and what she dreamt of, and how now she’s looking around and seeing signs that the universe is conspiring to make that happen for her. And in the same vein, she talked about following the feel good, those were actually her words, where you go where there is love that it’s this zigzag path, and you don’t even know what the outcome is going to be. But you trust that it’s going to be amazing, because you’re following the feel good. You’re following what makes you happy. So those are the top two things I’ve learned in 5 years. 1. that not drinking is not the actual end goal. Not drinking is the foundation and to it is 100% normal and 2. Okay, that you don’t yet know what the bigger goal is why you’re stopping drinking. It’s enough to know that you kind of feel like shit right now. And it’s probably related to drinking. And so, you want to take that away.

 

If you’re listening to this episode and have been trying to take a break from drinking, but keep starting and stopping and starting again, I want to invite you to take a look at my on demand coaching course, The Sobriety Starter Kit. The Sobriety Starter Kit is an online self study, sober coaching course that will help you quit drinking and build a life you love without alcohol without white knuckling it or hating the process. The course includes the exact step-by-step coaching framework I work through with my private coaching clients, but at a much more affordable price than one-on-one coaching. And The Sobriety Starter Kit is ready, waiting and available to support you anytime you need it, when it fits into your schedule.  You don’t need to work your life around group meetings or classes at a specific day or time. This course is not a 30 day challenge, or a one day at a time approach. Instead, it’s a step-by-step formula for changing your relationship with alcohol. The course will help you turn the decision to stop drinking from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life. You will sleep better and have more energy, you’ll look better and feel better, you’ll have more patience and less anxiety. And with my approach you won’t feel deprived or isolated in the process. So if you’re interested in learning more about all the details, please go to www.sobrietystarterkit.com. You can start at any time and I would love to see you in the course.

 

The 3rd thing I’ve learned is that you don’t need to wait until you actually want to stop drinking. And if you wait until you want to stop drinking, it will probably never ever happen. You actually have to stop drinking for a period of time before you want to stop drinking, and it can be done. You can do it. You don’t do things that you want to do all the fucking time, right? I know you don’t. So, I don’t know a single woman who’s quit drinking, and is now so happy that she made that decision, who actually wanted to stop drinking when she started out. We have a love hate relationship with alcohol, we keep coming back to it, despite the fact that it makes us feel so low, like a toxic boyfriend. And a lot of women who are holding on in the drinking cycle, think that if they only know enough, if they understand enough, if they give themselves enough shit every morning, if they have enough low moments, then suddenly a switch will go off in their head and they will finally actually want to stop drinking. And it’s not going to happen. You are just going to stay stuck in this sort of lukewarm kind of shitty feeling every morning kind of light up every night, but not remember it all space for weeks and months and years, if you’re waiting for that switch to go off. So, you actually have to stop drinking, even though you want to drink in order to feel better. You have to trust people like me, like others who tell you that even though you want to drink, life is better on the other side. You have to believe that if you stop drinking, I promise you that you’re gonna feel better. But if you wait to want to stop drinking, you’ll never get started. You’re just delaying the really good part of your life. When you actually want so much more in your life. Because it’s good, then you want to go back to drinking.

 

The 4th thing I learned is that stopping drinking is so much easier with help. And I promise you I am not just saying this because I’m a Coach. I literally struggled with worrying about my drinking and trying to moderate my drinking and beating myself up for drinking too much. And breaking rules that I set and breaking promises to myself for years before I found a community and I found help. And that’s actually why I started this podcast. My very first episode was called stumbling around in the dark, because that’s what I was doing for years, all alone without guidance. Without someone telling me what’s coming up or what’s normal. I was in my own head, feeling like I was weak, and I had no discipline and I needed to get my shit together. And that I had a problem and that something was wrong with me. And why could everyone else in the world handle this shit, but I couldn’t. And getting support is the very best thing I ever did. It was the kindest thing I had done for myself in years and the women I work with as a Coach, say the same thing. And it doesn’t have to be me. It can be awesome people in an online group, it can be a therapist, a therapist who actually gets it. Not one who has never struggled with drinking and has moved on from it or who has never dealt with it at all. It can be a friend who’s also chosen to stop drinking and is further away. longer than you, or sponsor if that’s your jam. But in my 5 years of not drinking, I have learned that you do need other people who have gone before you, you need to find people who have done what you want to do and are happier on the other side. You need to make it easier on yourself, you do not have to do this alone. And you don’t have to make all the mistakes yourself, and stumble around in the dark for years, figuring out what works, take the shortcuts, there are tips and tricks to this thing. There are people who can help you.

 

The 5th thing I’ve learned is that words matter. Labels matter, approaches matter. You need to find the right one for you. And if you haven’t found the right one yet, keep on looking, you need to find a way to switch your mindset to know that not drinking is not a sentence to be endured, but an amazing opening in your life to something bigger and better and bolder. And if A.A. are the 12 steps, or some other approach, or view of life without alcohol is a nonstarter, or is not for you find a different one, they are out there. But keep searching and keep trying. In order to decide to go alcohol free and to actually stay with it. And like your life, you have to be proud of what you’re doing. And the words we use, and the labels we assume are a huge part of it. If calling yourself an alcoholic is a nonstarter, don’t fucking call yourself an alcoholic. For me, I don’t, I don’t even know if I am an alcoholic. I kind of think that maybe I’m not. Or maybe I am. But you know what I’ve learned in 5 years, it doesn’t fucking matter. I don’t like the word, so I don’t use it. I say I quit drinking. Alcohol-free. It’s a healthy choice and a lifestyle choice. And a really fucking hard one to make. And one I’m incredibly proud of, I say for me that I quit drinking, versus that I was an addict or an alcoholic. Seriously, I don’t even like saying that word now. Because saying that I quit drinking or I’m alcohol free. It feels so much more positive and empowering without the stigma and the label. I say that I used to drink a lot. And I decided to quit because I’m happier that way. And it was really fucking hard to quit. Because alcohol is addictive. And it’s all around us. And it’s prescribed to us by the media and our coworkers and our friends and our family in the whole wide world for everything from a hard day to feeling stressed to a recipe for bonding and a good time. I gave up alcohol the way some people quit smoking, or decide to become a vegetarian or vegan, or gluten free. So, the fifth thing I’ve learned in five years without alcohol is that words matter. Labels matter approaches matter. And you need to find the right one for you.

 

On a related note, number 6 is that once you stop drinking, you don’t have to be living in, “recovery”. You can just be living. A lot of people, and myself included, don’t love using the term recovery. I know a lot of women who I love and admire, say, I am a woman living in long term recovery. I don’t like that. The idea is I’m in recovery from what – from alcohol addiction. And I know I’m weird, right? I’m a Sober Coach. And I don’t even like to say I’m in recovery from alcohol addiction. But on point number five, labels matter and words matter. It matters how you view yourself. It matters how you think of how you were living life when you were drinking. And now that you’re not drinking because it’s so easy to say I wasn’t that bad. I don’t want to be a recovering addict. I don’t want to be a recovering alcoholic. I don’t want to go through my life being like I’m in recovery. So, you don’t have to. Here’s how I think about it. When I was drinking, I was actually recovering every damn day. I was going to the bus stop with my bloodshot eyes. I was feeling shaky. I was waking up feeling like crap. I was trying to put on eyeliner. And my eyes were super watery. I was talking shit to myself every day. So now, I’m just living. I’m literally waking up and opening my eyes and dealing with life and smiling at my kids and enjoying my coffee and going for a run. I’m just living and so when I was drinking, I was living in recovery. I was recovering every day. And now I just feel better. Physically, mentally and emotionally. So, for the past five years I’ve just been living. And I’m not the only one. A client of mine recently wrote me about how when she was drinking, she was living her life in a continual Groundhog Day. And she said, here’s the Groundhog Day I experienced almost every day for the past few years before I quit drinking, wake up, hung over, hate myself, medicate my hangover and my general mood, pretend, pretend, pretend that I have my life together. Lots of overcompensating and striving, alternate between hating myself, resolving to change my life, and giving in ultimately, just holding my breath until 5:00p.m. When it’s acceptable to open a bottle of wine, experience, temporary relief from myself and my sad existence, go through the motions with my kids and my spouse, and drink until I pass out, wake up at 3:00a.m. hating myself, then repeat. She said, that was boring. It was literally the same almost every day, my life is infinitely more interesting. Now, I am so thankful to have found a better way. So that’s just living. When you were in that Groundhog Day, that was recovering.

 

So, number 7, a seven thing I’ve learned in 5 years without alcohol is that when you stop drinking, your world gets bigger and more exciting and more adventurous, not smaller. But that happens a lot more quickly. And is way more fun. If you’re open. If you try new things, if you give yourself assignments, if you create a bucket list and a vision board or even create one for every season, like what’s your bucket list for the spring, what are all the cool and awesome things you can do. But you never took the time for or you had no energy for, or you thought about but never did. When you were drinking. Your world gets bigger if you reach out to people, if you tell them it would be cool to go for a walk or get coffee or hang out. It’s bigger and better and more exciting and more adventurous. If you take time for yourself. If you look around and you schedule three hours one day of the weekend just for you to do something away from the kids, even if you don’t know what that is yet, tell your partner to do the same thing. So, you take Saturday for 3 hours. And he can take Sunday for 3 hours. And then you get 1-on-1 time with the kids. And you actually do something with that time to your life should not be work and chores. But that only happens if you put something on your calendar. Regardless of what you do. When you stop drinking, your world will get bigger and more exciting and more adventurous because you’re taking the blinders off your eyes. You’re not just focused on the 5 o’clock happy hour. That said, make it happen. It happens a lot more quickly. If you take action if you’re proactive.

 

Number 8 on the things I’ve learned is to stop trying to please everyone makes it easier on yourself. Say no to stuff you don’t want to do. Eliminate friction in your life. Here’s the thing. Boundaries are your new best friend. People pleasing is a no-win game. And you can say no, in a way where you don’t come off like a bitch and you don’t feel like you’re a slacker. So, number eight, stop trying to please everyone. Anything you are gritting your teeth over on a regular basis, you got to change. You can ditch it, opt out, get some help deploy some resources, or renegotiate previous agreements, whatever. Make some changes in your life. Start with the small stuff. And then you’ll get to bigger things and you are not a bad person for not solving every problem presented to you or pitching in for every project that needs attention. You are not selfish, saying no is badass and a required skill to be perfected.

 

Number 9, you are meant to be happy. You deserve to be happy. You are not meant to set up your life in a way that you have to drink and basically suppress your nervous system to get through the days and check out. You want to know how to make yourself happy. Fucking put yourself first. Look, you are good person. You love your kids. You love your partner, you’re good at your job. You’re not actually going to screw up over your work colleagues or hurt anyone or do serious damage, if you actually take care of yourself first, what I’ve learned over five years is that you’ll probably be nicer and more well rested and less resentful and more pleasant. If you’re happier, it’s good for everyone. And I remember when I was drinking, my husband turned to me, and he was like, you know what, no one is asking you to be a martyr. It’s actually not fun for anyone to be around. And I also remember that when I was drinking, my husband goes on a couple annual fishing trips. And he was going on another one. And I was just really not happy with my life. And I was like, how come he gets to go on vacation all the time? How come I don’t get to go? I just do work. And kids, I don’t have any fun, I have nothing for myself. So, I was really like, seriously being a bitch to him, as he was getting ready to go on his trip. And I think I was talking to a friend of mine. And she said to me, is it that you don’t want him to be happy? Or is it just that you’re not happy. And you know what, I wasn’t happy. I resented him for being happy. And what I’ve learned in 5 years not drinking, is that it is your job to make yourself happy, no one else will do it for you. And if you’re waiting for someone to figure out what you need, so you can be happy and to do it for you. It’s never going to happen. It is not your husband’s job or your boss’s job or your family’s job, to figure out what makes you happy and give you permission to do it or do it for you. It is actually your job. And if you’re not happy, it is your job to change it. And you deserve that. I have a quote on the vision board in my office that says, put yourself at the top of your to do list, and then all the rest will fall into place. And the thing is that a lot of us strength to tolerate our busy lives, our responsibility, our heavy load our stress, we drink because we do too much. And we feel like we have too few rewards. And I know you might think that you can’t change that, right? You’re like Casey, I have kids and a mortgage and a stressful job, and a demanding boss and family responsibilities, and people who depend on me. And I can’t change those things. And so, you keep it all up, and you’re resentful. And if you’re like me, you’re a bitch to your husband. Whenever he does anything that makes him happy, and you drink, you drink, because you’re not actually that happy. You are gritting your teeth to go through life. So, what I’ve learned in five years, is that it is your responsibility to make yourself happy. It’s actually something that you were supposed to do, and no one else can do it for you. And you need to stop thinking that it’s someone else’s job to make you happy, or to give you permission to do all the things to make you happy.

 

So, the question I’ve learned to ask myself every morning, especially when I’m feeling off, tired, overwhelmed, bored, resentful, irritable, whatever it is, I asked myself, how can I take care of myself today? What do I need today? And then I do it.

 

Number 10. You are not stuck. If you don’t like something, change it. You are not a victim of situations, people, places or things. You have power, you have agency, you get to decide what you put up with and what you don’t. There is always an opportunity for you in every situation, and you can change things. My favorite question flip, when things happen, big things and little things, all the things is instead of asking myself, why is this happening to me? I asked myself, how is this happening for me? There used to be a time where I felt like a victim. I felt like I was powerless. And I just had to negotiate the changing tides and situations that were thrown my way. But that actually wasn’t true. Everything that happened, there was an opportunity for me to find the good for me to make it a plus for me, to make it work out even better for me. And I know it’s not easy. But if I’ve learned anything in 5 years, is that you need to look for those things. You can look for the opportunity, you are not a victim. Anytime someone wants something, and they haven’t been able to achieve it. It is almost always an inner block. It’s your fears. It’s your limiting beliefs. It’s your hesitations about changing the familiar, about not wanting to cause waves, about not wanting to try and fail, about wondering what people will say or think about you, if you do something different if you take time for yourself, if you say no, it’s not actually an outer block, that the thing that you actually want, or want to change is not physically or literally, it’s not possible. You need to change your mindset, you need to listen to people who motivate you, and hang out with badass people who are doing badass things, you need to take the first step, be uncomfortable and do it anyway. And if you need to hire a Coach, or find someone to mentor, you do that. And that’s how your life will change and get better, little by little, day by day. And if you want inspiration on how to do this, I did a whole podcast on How To Manifest The Shit Out Of Life. And you can find that by going to hellosomedaycoaching.com/37. That’s my podcast on How To Manifest The Shit Out Of Life.

 

All right, number 11. What I’ve learned, if something isn’t right in your relationship, you don’t actually have to deal with that and make it right before you’re able to stop drinking. You can only really control yourself and what you do, and drinking is not making your relationship better. So, stop drinking first. Because when you start to change, all of your relationships change too. They just have to, and the vast majority of them change in a good way. I know we all have all the reasons why we drink. Our life is too stressful. Our partner doesn’t help us. We don’t communicate well. We don’t connect and we’re lonely or bored or frustrated or our job is too hard. And our bosses too demanding. And parenting is hard and everything else. I get that. But stop drinking first. And so many of the other things that frustrate you in life will improve just with that one change. Because here’s the thing when we drink, as we drink more, as we drink more often, our emotions get more erratic, we tend to get more defensive and more irritable and more resentful and our nerves are frayed afraid, we’re overwhelmed more easily, we’re less patient and we tolerate less than we deserve. And we put up with more. Because we don’t want anyone to look too closely at us. We overcompensate and run around trying to keep everything going. So, nothing slips are nothing slips too much. So if you’re stopping drinking, and you’re not right now 100% thrilled with the relationships in your life, whether it’s your partner or your boss, your direct reports, or your family, your friends, or your neighbors, or the school moms or whoever, just wait a bit, it gets better. Either you’ll decide you don’t care as much, or you’ll be more confident or have better boundaries or feel healthier or do more work or something. Relationships change and evolve and mostly improve when you stop drinking problematically. And yet, it’s an adjustment at first and the people in your life, for better or worse are used to the setup as it is, they’re getting something out of it, even if it’s that you drink too much. So, your partner has the moral high ground, or you don’t ask too much of them because you feel like your side of the street isn’t really clean. Or you’re a people pleaser. So, you have squishy boundaries. And you can’t say no or whatever. If you’re frustrated with your husband or your job, or your friends that doesn’t need to be all sunshine and roses before you’re able to quit drinking. Just stop and it will get better. Or at the very least you will get better.

 

Number 12. In every situation, I want you to ask yourself, what do I want? It can be something small, like what you’re having for dinner, or where you go on a date night or on vacation or big stuff, like with your job and your projects and your marriage and your kids and activities and schedule. But we spend most of our time just making things work, juggling projects, making other people happy. And I want you to figure out in every situation, what would make you happy, fulfilled, relaxed, honored, appreciated, whatever. This does not mean that you forget about other people. But it does mean that you look for the win-win with your own needs as primary. If you don’t even know, if you’ve never asked yourself, if you haven’t even stopped and paused. And thought, what would be the best outcome for me in this situation, you’ll never get it. And you need and deserve to start getting more of what you want. That way you’ll be happy. And that way you won’t be driven back to wanting to drink because nothing else in your fucking life is rewarding to you.

 

Number 13 of what I’ve learned in five years is that you really need to pay close attention to who in your life lights you up, versus who drags you down, edit your close circle of friends, edit them to find the people who’s five lifts you up, you are allowed, and I am encouraging you to actually edit your close circle of friends are the people you surround yourself with. You should be around people who light you up, and not those who drag you down. Who do you spend time with who consistently sees the best in you, who makes you energized to live a better life who inspires you, and who fucking drags you down? who criticizes you or complains or blames others, or flakes out or takes and never gets, it is hard to hang out with negative people and to have a positive outlook on life. They will consciously or unconsciously sabotage you dim your life and drag you down. There is an old adage that you become the most like the five people you spend the most time with. So, spend time with people who inspire you, who are doing things that you want to do. And you can say to them, Hey, I think you’re awesome. Can we be friends, or I’d love to hang out, want to grab coffee and a walk. And when you’re paying attention to who in your life lights you up and drags you down. Include yourself on that evaluation list. Check what you say to yourself, your inner voice and give yourself a break. Go easier on yourself, let yourself rest. By being hard on yourself, you’re actually not making anything any better. So, pay attention to who lights you up in life. And who drags you down. Edit the people you surround yourself with. And add yourself to that list because you could change the way you talk to yourself.

 

The 14th thing I’ve learned in five years without alcohol is that nobody is perfect. You don’t need to try so hard. So, stop worrying so much about what other people might think and stop working so hard to make sure that they think you’re the best to the best. Your worth is not meant to be measured by how much you accomplish. You are allowed to rest your daily to-do list is not related to how much you deserve to be loved. It’s okay to be the amount you accomplish does not make you worthy. And when you’re worried about what everyone else is thinking about you, whether you’re smart enough or efficient enough, or do enough, or look good enough, just know that everyone is thinking about themselves. They really are and however they react to you is 90% about all the things that are going on with them in their life in their head, and only 10% about whatever you did, or whoever you are, you’re gonna have to stop caring so much about how you’re being judged by other people or measuring up in order to be happy. And the quickest trick I’ve learned about how to do this, as I raised my hand as a recovering people pleaser and overachiever. And a girl who really likes Pats on the head and really hates when people don’t like me, is to ask myself, do I want what they have? Literally, every time I feel like I’m worried about whether or not I’m measuring up in other people’s eyes. I asked myself, do I want what they have. And the first time I really use this strategy was when I had a really tough boss. And she drove really hard. And I felt like I never quite measured up in her eyes or got the gold star despite working my fucking ass off and knowing that I was damn good at my job and having a ton of anxiety. And she was a hard charging executive who was really hustling to get promoted and climb the corporate ladder and impress management. And I actually didn’t want what she had. I didn’t want her priorities, her life, her travel schedule, the amount of time she was spending at the office.

 

What I wanted was a strong marriage. I was a homebody, I wanted to cuddle up with my kids. I actually wanted to take them to baseball, I wanted financial security, but I didn’t want to constantly be presenting to executives or trying to make my PowerPoint the best. And I realized that if I didn’t want what she had, I, by definition, needed to disappoint her. If I was measuring up in her eyes, I was on her path. And I wasn’t honoring what I actually wanted. So, I needed to stop trying so hard. And I needed to stop worrying so much about what she might think of me, or whether she thought I was measuring up in order to align to my own compass to what I wanted in life, to what would make me happy. So, number 14, nobody is perfect. Don’t try so hard and stop trying to measure up to what other people might want or worrying about what they might think, I swear to god, they’re only thinking about themselves.

 

Number 15, of what I’ve learned in five years without alcohol is that the period before you stopped drinking, when you’re going back and forth in your own head over and over again, that is literally the absolute hardest place to live. In five years without drinking, I have never had a period of time in my life, then that felt worse than when I was drinking nightly. And looking at the empty bottle in the morning, and asking myself what the fuck is wrong with me?

 

Number 16. Aside from that period, when I was stopping and starting and stopping again, the first two weeks and the first month without drinking, after you’ve been drinking for days, or weeks, or months or years. And when you’re in those days, and you’re thinking this sucks, I want a drink. And I can’t feel this way, I can’t live the rest of my life feeling this way. And I got some good news for you, you won’t, you don’t have to feel the way you’re feeling right now, it doesn’t last long. By day nine, you’ll be sleeping better. By 18, you’ll be cruising a bit and by day 30, you will be proud of yourself. Number 17. And this is a big one. Nobody just stops drinking. And it’s all good. And never goes through a hard time or adult time or a difficult challenge and never thinks about drinking again. Everyone in the world needs layers of support, to keep themselves in a good and balanced and happy place emotionally. And to keep going. You need layers of support to live an alcohol-free life. And the support you need is going to evolve and change at different times in your life. And you will look at people who have stopped drinking and are at four months or six months or eight months or two years. And you will say well, it was easy for you, right? You’re not like me, you never felt how hard it is to be where I am right now. It must have been easy if you were able to do it. And that’s actually not true. People look at me and say, well, you just stopped drinking, how did you do it. And I didn’t just stop drinking and keep going. I stopped drinking, and I added support. And then some shit happened. And I added more support. And then some different shit happened. And I added more support. But because I did that I never went back to drinking. And I knew in my heart of hearts, that I was not going to heal and get happier by going back to essentially what broke me by going back to what brought me so low that I was like, I’m going to have to give up the thing. I think I love more than anything else in the whole world. So, to start, I got a Sober Coach. And I emailed her every single day and started building up my days. And then I went back to my secret Facebook group. And I shared that I was on day five and day eight and day 10 and I got support and cheerleading and understanding and accountability. So those were my first two layers of support. And then I told my husband and I told my friends, I was doing 100 day, no alcohol challenge, another layer of support. And then I joined an 8-week workout group that met at 5:30a.m. So, getting up in the morning helped me feel less lame go into bed early. And then I read all the Quit Lit books and listen to the podcast. So, I did that. But then I added more support as I went on. At 60 days, I joined an online group which was called hip sobriety school at the time, and it met twice a week and went through different topics and lessons on why we drink and living life without alcohol, I needed to keep learning to keep connecting with people. So, I didn’t lose the thread of what I was doing and why I was doing it. So, I didn’t get complacent or distracted. So that was one more. And then I connected with more people who were also walking away from alcohol. I call them my litter mates now, meaning we all were like a litter of kittens or puppies, we all stopped at the same time. If that word turns you off, just throw it out and ignore it. But I needed other people who are also hitting two months and three months and four months with me. We supported each other, we could understand what we had going on in a way that no one else could, and many of them are still what I call my sober besties to this day, and then I started focusing on the small joys each day, I joined a photo of the day group for two months, we had a daily prompt like green or in my kitchen or below my feet, or curved. And we took a picture of something to share. And we wrote down something about it. It was a lovely touch point for each day. And it was a distraction and something that made me smile. And then I joined a gratitude group and I shared what I was thankful for each day, I wrote down three or five things that made me happy, and I put it in a gratitude jar. And I didn’t take away support. I still had my Sober Coach, I still had my Facebook group, I still worked out in the mornings, I ran a 10K, I read different books, I listen to different podcasts. And here’s the thing, you don’t just stop, and you’re all good for the rest of your life. And you never need help again, because you’ve got this, because then the shit hit the fan. And I still didn’t drink.

 

At 4 months, I came back from my first sober vacation in Venice in Croatia to a crisis at work, key people had left our team for different jobs. And we were severely understaffed. And I had a huge anxiety or panic attack, I felt a crushing weight on my shoulders. And I felt like I was on the verge of tears every day, like any straw would break, my cat would break my back. And instead of drinking because I knew drinking was not going to solve my problems. And I added even more support. So, I went to a doctor and I talked with her about anti-anxiety meds, and I found an amazing therapist and went to her weekly and did EMDR therapy. And I reached out to my sober besties on my Facebook group and talked about what I was feeling. And I lowered the bar really low. And I took it easy on myself. And I didn’t drink, which meant I didn’t make it worse. I set boundaries at work. I advocated for myself for what I could get done, and what I couldn’t get done, and the people we needed to hire and the projects we needed to backburner. And then it lifted. And since then, I’ve added more good things to my life and taken away other things that were dragging me down. I didn’t need the sober groups all the time anymore. I didn’t need all the Quit Lit. I kept the workout group, I kept some of the medications, I kept my good friends, including my sober besties, who I love so much. I added new friends, I went on yoga retreats, and I added book clubs and brunches. And I don’t see my therapist anymore, but I know she’s there if I ever need her. The point is going back to not drinking is not the goal. It is the foundation, and foundations need support and reinforcement. And if you feel like drinking after two months, or four months, or even eight months, you need more support. And you can find it, you can add it, keep trying different stuff, keep adding support, until you feel like you’re on solid sober ground again. And in five years, I know that if I didn’t do that, if I didn’t feel a problem, know that drinking was not the solution, and looked for help to get through a difficult period which just happens in life. I wouldn’t be here now.

 

And for number 18 speaking about that, I learned that wanting to drink, feeling like you’re going to drink it, can be helpful, because it’s a red flag. It’s an SOS, that something in your life needs to change. That there is a boundary that you need to draw. There is a schedule you need to change, you are overloaded. There are some friends who aren’t serving you or supporting you to live your best life. You need new hobbies, you’re too busy or you’re not busy enough and you’re not happy deep inside. Wanting to drink actually doesn’t mean that you’re going to drink. It’s a warning sign. And sometimes it can be really helpful. that something’s not right. It’s the canary in the coal mine. So, he did. Don’t drink, figure out what you’re feeling and why what you need, and what you’re not getting. And yesterday, I saw a quote that actually sums this up so perfectly. It said, I told my friend that I’m emotionally hitting a wall. And she said, sometimes walls are there, so we can lean on them, and rest.

 

All right, number 19, in what I’ve learned in five years without drinking, is that you will not live the rest of your life, desperately wanting to drink and denying yourself that desire, you won’t, you will get to the point where you are just a healthy, happy and confident person who used to drink and doesn’t anymore, because you feel better without it. You will not sit there every night at every dinner party at every date night, desperately wanting to dive over the table and grab the glass of wine and down it and feeling sad for yourself that you’re not doing it. And I know that’s something that so many women worry about, either in early sobriety, or before they quit drinking, you may not believe me, but it is true. And you can ask almost anyone who’s quit drinking, you don’t spend all your time for your rest of your life, desiring drinking and not doing it, you get to the tipping point. And if you want to listen to a whole podcast about how this happens, and why this happens, you can go to hellosomedaycoaching.com/36, where I talk about the habits tipping point, and that magical moment when choosing not to drink becomes easy. It simply becomes part of who you are not drinking is in alignment with your identity and what makes you proud and happy and confident. And the struggle is gone.

 

So, number 19, if you’re worried about this, I’ve learned you will not live the rest of your life desperately wanting to drink, you won’t.

 

Number 20. Making sure that you keep yourself in the green zone emotionally, is a daily calibration. And when you get used to doing in the same way that you take a shower and you brush your teeth and decide when to work out. And when they go to sleep. I call it emotional sobriety. And it’s been huge in helping me navigate the last five years without going back to drinking. You can’t get too high, meaning to overwhelm too anxious, and you can’t get too low and depressed, lonely, bored. You need to tap into your feelings and figure out how you’re feeling. And make sure you keep yourself in the green zone. And it’s not that hard. You get used to doing it every day. It’s a small change. It’s a small dial turn of getting yourself back in the emotional Green Zone.

 

Number 21. You always need something to look forward to. Big things and small things. Like, what am I looking forward to today? What am I looking forward to this weekend? What’s the big thing I’m looking forward to in three months that I’m so excited about? Having things to look forward to gives your life an atmosphere of growth. And one of my favorite things to look forward to is adventures sober travel in your town or in the world. So, plan that trip.

 

Number 22 of what I’ve learned in five years is to never question the decision to stop drinking. There is a reason that you’ve come back time and time again to saying I can’t drink this way. I need to take a break. Don’t overthink it. Just take it off the table. Jensen Sarah said indecision is torture. Deciding is freedom. You don’t have to decide that you are that bad to decide the drinking is keeping you stuck. So, don’t question the decision. Don’t go back and debate. Do I really have to spank? Am I overreacting Did I really have a problem? Maybe I should try again. Listen, nobody decides to stop drinking. If you have not tried to moderate, you have tried. You have tried all the rules and it has not worked for you. You’re listening to this for a reason. Just trust the process. You won’t heal by going back to what broke you. moderation is for suckers. It is such a fucking no win game. Never question the decision. Just do things that make you happy.

 

Number 23. And this one’s super important. Drinking too much or too often over drinking, not having an off switch. It’s not a moral failing. It’s just a maladaptive coping strategy that worked in the short term and doesn’t work in the long term. And if you drink often enough, sliding down the path to becoming habitually or emotionally or psychologically or physically addicted to alcohol, is somewhat inevitable if you have enough exposure, because alcohol is an addictive substance. And lots and lots of people have too much exposure to alcohol, because of the social pressure to drink, and the availability of alcohol in our society. It’s a mousetrap, it’s a rattle, and you are not the only one. So many women. Women who look like they have it all together, they struggle with this. So, you are not a bad person. It is not a moral failing. You are a fucking badass for trying to change this hard habit to break that is no longer serving you. So, ditch the shame about not having it off switch.

 

Number 24. Everything in your life is not magically going to be better when you stop drinking. But it is a whole lot better. Since I’ve quit drinking over the last five years, life has been good and fun and hard and long and sometimes monotonous. And all the other things in life, everything in my life has not been magically better just because I stopped drinking. But I do have less anxiety, I am less defensive, I am clearer, more positive. And I have the confidence that no matter what happens, I have the ability to make things better. I would say that it’s 70%, a whole lot better, and another 20% kind of better, because I figured out that I now have the time and the energy in the mental space to improve a bunch of shit that just wasn’t working that well. And there’s another 10% of life that just fucking is what it is, and you navigate it. There are shitty days when you’re drinking. And there are shitty days when you’re not drinking. Some days are just shitty. But the difference is, if I don’t drink, tomorrow has the opportunity to be better. And if I drink, I know tomorrow is going to be a whole fucking hell of a lot worse, because I’m diving back into the drinking cycle. I have tried it before, and it is not working for me. Now life’s not perfect. There are highs and lows and their ebbs and flows. But the highs are longer, and the lows are shorter. When you stop drinking, you’re going to be so much kinder to yourself. And when life is low, you just adjust your tools and your self-care and your expectations. And your need for rest and your asks for help accordingly. I mean, since I’ve quit drinking, I’ve gone through some hardship. I’ve gone through job changes and financial stuff and family stuff. And one of my very best friends died of brain cancer after a very long, painful decline. And I didn’t drink over it. And it was shitty, and it was horrible for her and her husband and her five-year-old son. And I sat with her. The whole time I went over weekly, I held her hand, I spent time with her, I didn’t look away, and I didn’t drink over it. And I’m glad because I didn’t make it worse, and I got to make tomorrow better. And I got to feel my feelings. So, life isn’t magically perfect because you stopped drinking. But you don’t make it worse. And you get to navigate it. And you get to make tomorrow better.

 

Alright, the very last thing. Number 25 that I’ve learned in five years not drinking is that this is just the beginning. In my experience, my first year of not drinking was all about physical sobriety. And year two was about joy. And year three was about expanding possibilities in my imagination and what’s next. In the last five years, I’ve taken so much better care of myself. I’m happier. I advocate for myself. I’m braver and I’m learning new things. I’m tolerating less. The hard stuff comes. And I know that I can do hard things. I can handle things. Because I’m clear and I’m present and because I’ve already done a really hard thing. I’ve quit a really addictive substance that was dragging me down and surrounds me in society constantly. And I used to think that giving up alcohol was my worst-case scenario. And it’s turned out to be the best decision of my life. So now I know that even in really shitty times and hard times, there is the opportunity for it to turn out for the best. In five years, I have loved by life without alcohol, it is an adventure, it is expanding ahead of me. I don’t know where it’s gonna lead me. But I believe it’s somewhere really good. And I believe the world is just going to continue to get bigger. So, if you’re on this path, and I’m glad you’re on this path, because it is good. Here’s a few things to remember. It’s going to be okay. You can do hard things. You have to take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy. keep growing. Go after what you want. Dream bigger. Try new things. Keep looking forward. Take time to envision your ideal life. You can manifest the shit out of life. Look for your divine breadcrumbs. Find your people take some risks. trust the process, stay the course. Know that small changes lead to bigger ones. And not drinking is not the goal. But it is the foundation to that happy, healthy, beautiful, exciting life that is coming for you. Love you lots.