SUMMARY KEYWORDS

Motivated, sober, sobriety, 100 days, alcohol-free, coaching, early sobriety, evolution of her sobriety over the years, how she reconnected with herself, joy, meaning, other side of drinking, acceptance, quit drinking, fear, joy, divine breadcrumbs, parenting, spirituality, decisions, truth, seeing people come back to life, choose joy, growing, journey, transform, evolve, best decision I have made for myself, take care of yourself, space

SPEAKERS: Casey McGuire Davidson + Marriott Miller

00:02

Welcome to the Hello Someday Podcast, the podcast for busy women who are ready to drink less and live more. I’m Casey McGuire Davidson, ex-red wine girl turned life coach helping women create lives they love without alcohol. But it wasn’t that long ago that I was anxious, overwhelmed, and drinking a bottle of wine and night to unwind. I thought that wine was the glue, holding my life together, helping me cope with my kids, my stressful job and my busy life. I didn’t realize that my love affair with drinking was making me more anxious and less able to manage my responsibilities.

In this podcast, my goal is to teach you the tried and true secrets of creating and living a life you don’t want to escape from.

Each week, I’ll bring you tools, lessons and conversations to help you drink less and live more. I’ll teach you how to navigate our drinking obsessed culture without a bus, how to sit with your emotions, when you’re lonely or angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, how to self soothe without a drink, and how to turn the decision to stop drinking from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life.

I am so glad you’re here. Now let’s get started.

[00:01:18]

Hey there, welcome back. Today, I am so excited to bring you part two of my conversation with Marriott,

[00:01:26]

one of my private coaching clients from 5 years ago, who went from doing a Dry January to thriving for 5 years, alcohol-free.

If you haven’t listened to part one yet, I’d recommend starting there because we dove into so many important topics that will give you great context for this episode.

[00:01:48]

Last week, Marriott shared her story of what made her decide to stop drinking, why she reached out for coaching, and what her first year of sobriety looked like. We talked about the challenges from early sobriety, especially navigating life as a busy mom with 3 young kids.

[00:02:06]

Marriott also opened up about her biggest triggers and how she learned to take care of herself and manage those overwhelming moments without turning to alcohol.

We discussed the importance of learning to stay here, sitting with emotions instead of numbing them and how that concept transformed her approach to tough feelings.

[00:02:30]

We even touched on the small, but meaningful ways she started prioritizing herself, like carving out morning quiet time or letting go of activities that didn’t bring her joy.

[00:02:41]

If you’ve ever wondered how to navigate those early days, how to handle life without drinking, how to stay motivated as the 1st year and the 2nd year go on. Part one is packed with insights and tools.

Now, in part two, we’re diving even deeper.

Marriott talks about the evolution of her sobriety over the years, how she reconnected with herself and the incredible joy and meaning she’s found on the other side of drinking.

[00:03:10]

Trust me, this part of the conversation is just as inspiring as the first. So, let’s pick up right where we left off and jump into part two of my interview with Marriott.

[00:03:22]

So year 3, you said was about acceptance.

 

Yes. So I, I was in therapy when I decided to quit drinking but the, just because of the way that the lady scheduled things and it just wasn’t as regular as I probably needed it to be.

[00:03:43]

And then, there were just, I just felt like I had sort of outgrown that. And so, I ended up switching therapists. And the first time I went to this new therapist and I had told her kind of what I wanted to do. She like printed out a worksheet and I left and I was like, okay, we’re on the same page. Like this is like, you, you’re getting me here.

[00:04:03]

I need homework. Yes. She was like, complete this and bring it back in.

So, we were speaking the same language, but she was so helpful to me, because you know how you can often see things about other people, but you can’t see them about yourself. And so, like I said, I had basically exhibited anxious behavior, like, since I was a baby and I went in there with her and she just very clearly after a few sessions was like.

[00:04:33]

Well, yeah, that’s because you have an anxiety disorder. And I was like excuse me? Like, what are you talking about? Like, I had always talked, and in my family, we had joked about like, oh, you have anxiety. But it, for some reason, it landed differently. Like, oh, this is like a thing. This isn’t just like a feeling that you’re experiencing right now.

[00:04:53]

This is like a whole thing. So, It helped me because she educated me about what that means and the ways to combat it. And she also really encouraged me to try taking medication again. And one of the ironic things is that, I was totally willing to drink like a carcinogenic poison every night, but I was hesitant to take real medication prescribed by a doctor.

[00:05:22]

Isn’t that crazy? I mean, it makes me like, Whoa, I don’t know about that. Let me knock myself unconscious.

Yeah. Yeah.

And then, after I quit drinking, I kind of went through this period of like, okay, I don’t want any of anything. I don’t want anything that’s foreign to my body, like in my body. And anyway, like we were talking about earlier, it got uncomfortable enough that I finally had to do something about it.

[00:05:46]

And she was super positive about the benefits of trying a medicine. And so, she just really encouraged me to do that. And when I did that, things really started to change for me, in terms of, and I think it was a combination of therapy and understanding my anxiety better, and also taking the medicine that kind of brought it down to a manageable level.

[00:06:12]

And so, since then, I have not experience nearly as much of the, like, fluctuations in my mental health as I was talking about having before. So, it was really acceptance of, like, the things about myself that are true and that I need help with. After conquering quitting drinking, I feel like that was what I was doing that year.

[00:06:41]

And I also started making some different friends that don’t drink in person in that year and so that was really helpful. One of the things I started doing is we had this whole group of people that just didn’t drink for one reason or another like different reasons and we would just already knew them.

[00:07:04]

Is that right? But you didn’t like, gather as a new because so many women want to do this and they have no idea where to start.

Okay, one of them was like my first sober friend who basically gave me the courage to put it down because I saw her, and I saw how her life was not over because she quit drinking and so she helped me.

[00:07:29]

And then there was another girl who basically I gave permission to do the same thing. And so she came with us. And then I don’t know, we just sort of collected people like over time, it wasn’t all people I knew. It was like, Oh, you know, my husband works with this guy whose wife just went to rehab and she really would like to meet some people that don’t drink.

[00:07:51]

Can she come to our dinner? Sure. We became friends with her. So we started doing that, like, I don’t know, once every other month and [00:08:00] we don’t even do it anymore. But it was cool because it, I think, reinforced to my brain, like. You can go out to dinner and no one order a drink and you still end up laughing and staying there until they are vacuuming around you and having such a good time, no alcohol is required.

[00:08:24]

Yeah, I found that, too, in sobriety as well. And it’s kind of interesting. Like, I feel like it’s when you find a podcast and then you hear about a quit lit book, and then you hear about this membership group, or you hear about a community, it’s like pulling this thread and suddenly you’re discovering things that you never thought you were new about before, but there’s so much out there.

 

[00:08:49]

So, I made one friend through an online group. Ingrid, she’s been on the show. She’s my sober bestie and she knew another person from an online group who lived in Seattle who knew another person and Ingrid started having these dinner parties with all these women who stopped drinking and I would go to them.

[00:09:11]

And my life, you know, we talked about, this was so boring. I would just get, you know, quote, unquote, “relax” on a Friday night, which was watching a show with, you know, me, my husband was there, but it was really me and my bottle of wine, you know, having a party by myself. And then, I stopped drinking and I was going to downtown Seattle to these dinner parties on Sunday night that were incredible with and the women were just one was an author and one was a stand-up comic.

[00:09:39]

And I mean, it was, it was crazy, but I was like, you know, My life is so much interesting and it literally started with one person who knew another person.

 

 

Yeah, for sure and I think that that’s part of you know, the divine breadcrumbs thing that you’ve talked about and that like really has become something that is super meaningful to me.

[00:10:01]

It’s like, I don’t think these things happen by accident either.

Yeah. Like, they are placed in your life and you can choose to see them or you can choose not to. And I actually feel like they were there all the time. Those things are there for us to see or not see all the time and we can either receive it or not receive it.

[00:10:25]

And when you do receive it, it’s amazing how much more meaningful your life becomes.

Yeah, yeah, and you’re looking around more as opposed to being like, I’m going to go to this wine tasting and I’m going to go to the, you know, X, Y, Z, and sort of screening out events and people who don’t drink like you do, even if they drink, they don’t drink like you do.

[00:10:49]

And so, it’s like your eyes start being open and your vibe is just so different. You’re so much more open. You’re more positive. You’re more grateful. I mean, this just kind of happens. And then you see someone who lights you up or something that lights you up and you just take a step towards it. Right.

[00:11:10]

Yeah. And it’s just all those tiny little steps and it’s not, I used to operate so much from the, like, it all has to be planned out. You know, when I went to college, I didn’t take a lot of time to explore, like, what is interesting to me? What lights me up? What should, so how should that inform what I’m going to major in and what I’m going to do?

[00:11:31]

Instead, it was all kind of fear-based, like, what’s going to get me a for sure job? And what am I good at? And I can make good grades in.

So, it’s totally changed the way that I look at opportunities and I look at the world and the thing to me about the divine breadcrumbs is like, it’s not something where, you know, what the future is going to hold.

 

[00:11:55]

It’s literally like, 1 breadcrumb at a time. You don’t actually know where you’re going. You’re just following the goodness. And for gold star girls or women who are, you know, perfectionistic or, or people pleasers, like that’s hard for us because we’re like, I have to know what the end is. I have to know what the goal is.

[00:12:18]

I have to know how I get an A plus and so even in like current things that I’m thinking about doing, I have to stop myself from like planning it all out. And I’m like, you know what? I feel like if it’s meant to be, then it’s going to become very obvious how it’s, how something’s going to happen. Like for instance, starting to work for you was something that just was a divine breadcrumb.

[00:12:43]

And I don’t know if you remember this, but basically you were writing this thing and it said, I’m thinking about starting this group and it wasn’t just to me, it was to a group of people, but I’m starting this group, but I’m just not really sure if I can handle all of this on my own and I guess I would probably need somebody to help me and I just felt in my spirit immediately reading that like, well, obviously that’s going to be you.

[00:13:09]

And then, I was like, wait, what? That’s going to be me. I remember it vividly because I was like, I just, you know, I think the women in the sobriety kit circuit, everybody tells me they want to connect with each other. They want the group support. They want me. And I was just like, I physically cannot do this on my own, even though I know it would be amazing.

[00:13:29]

And so, I just put it out there and you texted me and you’re like, I’m your person. And, and immediately I was like, Yes, you are my person and I’ve loved the past like year and a half like we text all the time. We hang out all the time. Like, it has been like the most like life giving little part time job that like I never thought I needed or wanted and it’s helped me so much. Like, helping others and seeing people come back to life.

[00:14:01]

That’s really what it is.

Yeah, I mean you can in the group, but even in sobriety no matter where you are the difference between what someone posts in their first week or when they’re in the drinking cycle or whatever just? Mindset and like feeling like a victim and feeling angry and feeling trapped and feeling like nothing in their life can change literally 20 days out, 30, 60, they come back to life.

[00:14:32]

Like, you see them being like empowered and confident and proud and optimistic. And right. I mean, you, we talk about it. You can literally notice the personality change. In a month.

Oh, yeah, for sure. And it’s crazy too to see people who had such a hard time getting started and then they finally it finally clicks and then they’re the ones That are cheering on the other people.

[00:15:01]

Yeah. So, it’s just, there’s an image that I’ve posted before but it’s an image of like a woman reaching her hand down and pulling up the next woman. And then, that same woman is pushing the woman above her up above. It’s kind of like a ladder. And it’s so beautiful to me because you know, those people are helping me, too.

[00:15:24]

For instance, the stories about, you know, I went back to it. I thought it would be fine. I thought I was healed. And then guess what happened? That helps me because I realized. Oh, yeah. I know that’s not a good idea. And here’s proof. I don’t have to take that field trip myself.

Yeah. And you know, there is nothing that reminds you that drinking is not harmless and innocuous and glamorous and makes you feel confident as someone who is struggling to get out of the drinking cycle.

[00:16:01]

And just, you know, it’s a good reminder that everything we’re told in the media about what drinking does for us is not actually true. Because like you said, you see people come back to life when they walk away from it. Yes, for sure. And sometimes you see them glimpse that and then. They go back to it and then we’ve done that, right?

[00:16:27]

Like, no judgment. I did that and I remember. I remember getting to the point and being like, Oh, I’m happier and my life is better and my marriage is better and I’m less anxious. Therefore, dot, dot, dot. I can go back and drink again and when you get back to that same place, especially if you’ve had a period of feeling better without drinking, you’re like, Oh, it’s not a situational issue.

[00:16:53]

It’s the alcohol that brings me to this place. Right.

Exactly. And I think that eventually that will always happen to people that have crossed some sort of threshold.

Yeah. Well, so year 4, you said, was about letting go. Tell me about that.

Yeah. So, In the fourth year, I really started, since I was kind of understanding my anxiety and stuff better, I really started understanding how I could protect my mental health.

[00:17:30]

So, I could say no to a lot of the stuff that I was continuing to do as a sober person that was stressing me out. So, for instance my husband loves going to Football games and concerts. And that’s something that we always did together. And when I stopped drinking, I didn’t want it to be this, like, okay, I’m not going to drink anymore.

[00:17:55]

And I’m not going to go do any of this stuff with you anymore.

[00:18:00]

So, I continued to go and it was very painful for me. So, what I realized about myself is that, I just get claustrophobic in big crowds And I’m a lot more introverted than I ever realized that I was and I just need more alone time and downtime especially like I kind of have to protect that. If I’m going to go out and be with a whole bunch of people, so I’ve learned how to do that and I just stopped caring so much what other people wanted from me .You, Including your husband.

[00:18:37]

Is that right? Yes, including my husband and I started honoring what I wanted. And the reality is, and an example of that is Christmas. I used to always have this meltdown the first few years I was sober because it was just too much. There was too much to do. I had taken on too much and I had agreed to too much.

[00:19:00]

And by the end of Christmas day, I was like crying in my bed. And so I knew I have got to make some big changes. Christmas. And my therapist actually encouraged me, and this is a great tip when I was talking about, I, I just don’t think that my family’s going to be agreeable to these changes I’m wanting to make.

[00:19:22]

And because it’s real easy to say, like, yeah, lower the bar, just don’t have a Christmas dinner. Like, that’s not always reality. So I had to figure out how to. Get my needs met, but also try to meet the needs of the other people in my family. So her advice was propose any changes that you want to make as just for this year.

[00:19:48]

Let’s just see how it goes just for this year as an experiment. So, that’s what I did. And that actually really helped to get agreement about some things, because if it wasn’t, if it didn’t turn out, well, then we would just go back to what we were doing before. So, I suggested some things to kind of make things simpler things that I thought would make me feel less stressed out and my family.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson 

Hi there. If you’re listening to this episode, and have been trying to take a break from drinking, but keep starting and stopping and starting again, I want to invite you to take a look at my on demand coaching course, The Sobriety Starter Kit®.

 

The Sobriety Starter Kit® is an online self study sober coaching course that will help you quit drinking and build a life you love without alcohol without white knuckling it or hating the process. The course includes the exact step by step coaching framework I work through with my private coaching clients, but at a much more affordable price than one on one coaching. And the sobriety starter kit is ready, waiting and available to support you anytime you need it. And when it fits into your schedule. You don’t need to work your life around group meetings or classes at a specific day or time.

This course is not a 30 day challenge, or a one day at a time approach. Instead, it’s a step by step formula for changing your relationship with alcohol. The course will help you turn the decision to stop drinking, from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life.

You will sleep better and have more energy, you’ll look better and feel better. You’ll have more patience and less anxiety. And with my approach, you won’t feel deprived or isolated in the process. So if you’re interested in learning more about all the details, please go to www.sobrietystarterkit.com. You can start at any time and I would love to see you in the course. 

 

[00:20:16]

Agreed, but I could feel there was some hesitation. Okay. So, we go through the whole Christmas and what do, you know, like, I was happier. I wasn’t biting people’s heads off. I wasn’t crying at the end of the day. And so my husband came to me after that holiday and he said, I think this is the best Christmas we’ve ever had.

[00:20:39]

Wow. And I’m like, Oh my gosh. It’s like he, like I had to take responsibility for myself and my emotions and give the boundaries that I needed. And then in turn, I acted differently. And so, we had a much better outcome.

Yeah, can you give us some, like, concrete examples of what those things were? And like, when you said you sat down with your family, was it your husband and your kids?

[00:21:06]

Was it other people? Like, who were those people in your family you worked with? Yes. I, well, no, I didn’t really involve my kids, but I did. They were affected because one of the things that I did was like order way, way fewer Christmas presents. So, like, this is just too much. We’re spending too much.

[00:21:25]

They don’t need all this stuff and they’re not even playing with it. So, slowly over the past 4 or 5 years, I’ve just tried to do less and less and less without it being this like big, drastic, yeah. Okay.

So, my husband is a great cook and he loves to cook, but he works full time. And so usually, I cook during the week and he cooks a lot on the weekends, but for holidays, he loves to cook.

[00:21:51]

And his love language is like making things from scratch and like the more complicated or heart it has in it, is kind of the, the love language. And so, I just really had to fight that kind of stuff. Like, he doesn’t expect me to do it necessarily or at all, but it just, it takes up some of the time that we have to prep other things.

[00:22:15]

So, for instance, it was like a negotiation, like, let’s just buy the roles we don’t need to make those ourselves or letting other, we have a Christmas dinner at our house and we always invited some friends. So it ends up ends up being about, I don’t know, 15 or 20 people. And we had never let anybody bring anything.

[00:22:37]

We always said we are going to do the whole thing ourselves for various reasons. So, we said, you know what? Yes, that would be great if you could bring a side and a dessert. And so that helped immensely, like letting other people contribute. And then, I also made it way more casual. So, that was a conversation kind of with my mother too, because she tends to want things to be fancier and more kind of elegant and she saw me.

[00:23:12]

I mean, she saw how it was and she was like, we can’t do this. You can’t. You can’t do this. So, we didn’t use paper plates. Although I would. But you know, we used all, we didn’t use the stuff you have to wash by hand. We used all stuff that can go in the dishwasher and we really made it casual.

[00:23:31]

So, instead of it being this like fancy meat that you cut and all these sides, we made stew. So, we tried to just make it more casual, which to me makes it more fun. And then the cleanup is easier. So, that’s one example of what we did.

Yeah, and I remember in the group, like, just 2 weeks ago, and this is so normal.

[00:23:58]

In early sobriety, in you’re looking at everything, and you’re like so a woman in there who’s amazing was like In the holiday, I have to you know, we’re hosting 6 dinners. We’re going away for the weekend before and the weekend after Christmas. I have to do x. I have to do y. The list was amazing and you know, she’s like, it’s just too much.

[00:24:22]

I don’t know how I’m going to get through this without drinking. And the answer is, if you feel like it’s all too much, it is. It’s literally too much, so you need to make hard choices that you’ve never made before. And you know, if you dread something or if something is like you have to, propose the experiment like, this year, I’m not going to do X.

[00:24:49]

So, you’re not saying to your family, for instance, never again are we coming to your house for Christmas.

Yeah. Saying, we’re going to try something different this year as an experiment. And we are going to go on a cruise for Christmas or whatever it is. And you know, we have done that. When I, after I had my third child, I went. I drove to Texas, I think twice for Christmas.

[00:25:16]

Yeah. So, that involved mailing all of the presents for my kids to Texas and then when I got there, I had to wrap them up and then, they opened them and then we couldn’t fit the stuff in the car to bring it back for the most part. So, we had to pack it up and mail it home. And so, then you get home and the kids are waiting on their gifts from UPS for like 3 or 4 days.

[00:25:42]

And it was just too much. And I was worried about saying that we weren’t going to come anymore and all of the thoughts about that.

Yeah. I just had to say, you know, we are going to do this tradition now with our family and you are welcome to come here and be with us here, but we’re not going to be able with three kids to drive across the country and do this anymore.

[00:26:02]

And so, what we did then was, we said, we’ll come at Thanksgiving instead, because Thanksgiving doesn’t involve all that other stuff that I just said. Just involve physically getting ourselves there. And so, that worked for a long time, although now my parents live here. So, we’re kind of in a transitional phase of the holidays, kind of figuring out everybody’s place with that, too.

[00:26:23]

But I’m excited about it because it means much less travel for us, which just opens up a whole, a lot more time for other things.

Yeah, and you know, we’re talking about the holidays, but it can be anything. It can be little things and big things. It can be just figuring out when something feels like too much or when you are dreading it or when you’re like, this won’t be any fun if I don’t drink.

[00:26:50]

You identify what you would prefer, like, I should do X, but what I really want is Y. And then you have some conversations about what you don’t want to do and what you want to do instead. And it’s a negotiation, but then you’re not overwhelmed. You’re not resentful. You’re not exhausted. You’re not whatever, which makes you happier.

[00:27:16]

Which makes you not want to drink to knock yourself unconscious or get through it, right?

Yeah, so like another story I have about that is, there was this text that went around and this is just like one. This happens to people all the time. All school year long, but it was basically a text that was like, it’s teacher appreciation week and the 4th grade has been assigned to bring dips to the school for like a dip bar for the teachers for 1 day and please respond if you would like to participate with the dip, what you’re going to bring and then please have it at the school at drop off 1 day, like at 8 a.m.

[00:27:51]

So, I get this text and I’m immediately like, Oh, you know, have a two year old or a three year old.

[00:28:00]

He normally is like wearing pajamas at the time that I had to drop my older kids off at school. Like, I would have to park the car, get the dip, get the kid, walk in, drop the thing off. And that’s just not. I just don’t enjoy that kind of stuff.

[00:28:16]

I think more power to, we need the people that do enjoy that, but it’s not me. And so, the old me would have done one of two things. I would have either done what I felt like I should have done, which is make the dip and take it in and been inconvenienced and annoyed and resentful about it. Or I would have just not responded to the text message and like, kind of been passive aggressive about it.

[00:28:42]

But instead, what I did was, I responded to the group, which is all these moms, the whole group. I responded and I basically said, this is not really in my wheelhouse, but I would love to help appreciate the teachers. So, if wants to do something super fancy and would like me to Venmo them some money, I would be happy to because that’s amazing.

[00:29:07]

It wasn’t about the money. I was so happy to contribute in that way. Honestly, I would have been happy to give somebody the entire amount of money and then have them make the dip and take it. It wasn’t about that. So, I really got to the root of what it was about. And it was interesting because at first, it was like crickets on the text message, like no one responded.

[00:29:28]

And I think, and were you super uncomfortable? Were you like, Oh, I mean, I was kind of like, I feel like this is in the phase where I’m like, I don’t care. Like, I don’t care. That was, like year 3 or 4. Yes. I don’t care what anybody thinks. Like, I’m doing this and I’m saying it in a nice way, but I’m not going to just do things out of obligation anymore.

[00:29:48]

I love that. This really isn’t in my wheelhouse. I’m totally going to.

Okay. So it was like crickets. And then, the coolest thing was that, other people on this text message of like, let’s say 35 moms, other people started texting and saying, actually, I would love to contribute money, too. And it was people that like work full time and do not have time to be making these dips and all this stuff.

[00:30:17]

And so, it empowered me doing that. Empowered them to be able to say, actually, I would love to contribute 20, too. And so, it was great because then another girl was like, well, that would be wonderful because I was going to go to chicken salad chick and get a whole bunch of chicken salad to take. And so, if somebody wants to send me 20 bucks, that would really help.

[00:30:39]

So, it worked out perfectly for everybody, but it was just a small little example to your point. Like, it doesn’t have to be these big, huge, you’re changing all of Christmas things. It’s just, even in the small things, you’re able to honor yourself. And like I said, I was able to figure out, and it’s not that I don’t want contribute. It’s that, I didn’t want to contribute in that way. And so, this was because I was able to contribute in the way that was best for me. Yeah. And, and it is about honoring yourself.

[00:31:12]

Right. Because even in the smallest ways, like I don’t want to get down on the floor and like do finger painting with my kids, but I love cuddling my kids to sleep and like scratching their back and having those conversations at night, like, No, this isn’t in my wheelhouse, but I want to connect with them and this is how I do it.

[00:31:37]

And for someone else, it will be the opposite or something completely different. But just because you feel like you should do things in one way, you don’t. We just never give ourselves permission to.

Right. I think when we show up as our authentic selves, like for instance, when I tell my kids I don’t really want to get out the paints, but why don’t we play checkers?

[00:32:03]

We end up having a great time. Whereas, if I say, okay, I should be the type of mom that lets you get out the paints and be creative, then I usually end up getting irritated with somebody and everyone ends up in their room. So, you’re so much nicer than me because like, literally, Lila this year was like, mom, can we go to the ice cream social at her old elementary school?

[00:32:28]

Like, she wanted to go and I was like, if your friends mom can take you, for sure, you can go, but like, I’m not going to take you. And she, she was like, mom. And I was like, there is literally nothing I can imagine enjoy less on a Friday night, that like taking you to this, but I’ll take you out to lunch and a pedicure on Saturday.

[00:32:48]

And she was like, okay, I just was like, it’s not happening, my friend. And she didn’t end up going because her friend’s mom wasn’t going to go. And I was like, literally, I told you it is not happening. So, you are much more. I think that’s great.

No, I think that’s great to teach our kids that we are not at their beck and call all the time and that we have, that’s also a part of this like exploring what brings you joy is like, it brings me joy to have hobbies outside of my quote unquote “job”, which is taking care of my kids all day.

[00:33:25]

Yeah. And that makes me a better mom. And if I don’t do those things, I’m not as good of a mom, even though if you’re looking at it from purely like a time constraint perspective, then it might look different.

Yeah, and we always are like, oh, no, I should do this for my kids. I should spend time with them. I should be present.

[00:33:46]

But like, when I look back and I’m honest, I mean, I was not fully present when I was drinking while playing Candyland or drinking while playing Legos or you know, having two glasses of wine and then reading them a book and rushing out of the room so that I could get back down to the couch to like, zone out and drink more wine.

[00:34:07]

So we, or hung over in the mornings when my kids came into my room. Like we think that we’re better moms. Sometimes people literally say to me, I’m a nicer mom when I’m drinking. And sometimes I’m like, That’s because when you’re not drinking, you’re in withdrawal for two weeks, and you’re irritated and rageful and pissed off and that goes away, but, you know, we think we’re present, but if you’re drinking or hungover, you really aren’t like you show up as a better mom.

[00:34:41]

When you’re not in that crazy, like, even the ticker tape of, like, I used to drive home from work in my mind being like, do I have time to stop to pick up a bottle of wine before I have to get to daycare and trying to do that? So I buy the one I’d rush in at the end of the literally 3 minutes before daycare closed and pick up my kid.

[00:35:00]

And he was like, sometimes the last 1 there. versus coming home or getting them on time or coming in late because I went for a walk. Like, having him be the last kid there but because I took like 20 minutes for myself so when I got there I was more centered and like yes I had my time so now I can really be with you.

[00:35:21]

Right. And I also don’t think that it’s great to model for our kids that we don’t take care of ourselves.

Yeah. So, I think for instance, when I leave on Saturday and go to my workout class, like that’s actually modeling healthy coping mechanisms and behaviors to my kids that I hope when they feel stressed, when they’re adults, they think, what did my mom used to do when she felt stressed?

[00:35:47]

Oh, she put her tennis shoes on and went for a run not she opened a bottle of wine and drink it. Yeah, no, and when I stopped drinking, when Hank was 8, I mean he completely knew that’s what I wanted. When I was upset or stressed out, like he literally said to me, Oh mommy, do you want a glass of wine?

[00:36:08]

And I’m like, Jesus Christ. This is not good. And now, I’m like mommy is really stressed out. I’m just having a bad day I’m just going to go chill for 20 minutes. And like, he’s like, all right, you know, he’s 8. He doesn’t care. If I go to tell people that being in my bathtub, that was like my time out, like my mommy time out, like I’m going and getting in the bathtub.

[00:36:34]

My kids are kind of modest, too. So, like they would not come in there and bother me. So I’m like, lock the door, get in the bathtub. Like, you guys can watch screens or whatever.

[00:36:46]

Where I knew I could decompress and no one was going to interrupt me.

Yeah. Okay. You’re 5. Choose joy. Tell me about that.

Okay. So, that’s been this year, which has been just such a fun year. Like, I feel like what, and I sort of alluded to this earlier, but I feel like what the past few years have done, have taught me how to lower the bar and not say yes to a bunch of stuff that I don’t want to do.

[00:37:15]

What that has allowed, I feel like as it is, it has made room for joy. So, it’s made room for joy in a couple ways, one of which is that I don’t feel overwhelmed and like, I’m going to pull my hair out on a daily basis. And so, I’m more able to see just the daily joys that happen, for instance, like, I’m rainbows are a real symbol to me.

 

[00:37:38]

So, I look for rainbows everywhere I go. When you’re running around trying to just check off a million things and you don’t ever take any time for yourself and you’ve loaded up your schedule, you don’t have time to look for rainbows. And so, to me, I just live my life on a daily basis where I’m looking for joy.

[00:38:00]

I’m looking for those divine breadcrumbs. But then also, I just think that because I’m not filling up my schedule with stuff that I don’t want to do, I have more time and space to say yes to the things that I do want to do. And what’s been interesting is sometimes those things fall under the same category as things I didn’t want to do, but it’s like because I was doing them out of obligation and now I’m doing them out of love.

 

[00:38:30]

So, for example, My husband just had a birthday and birthdays have always kind of thrown me for a loop because it’s just. Anything that’s extra always just kind of threw me. And by the way, I love that you’re like anything extra threw me. I couldn’t possibly. And then, you’re like, Casey, I want this job on top of my three kids, on top of my life.

[00:38:55]

You’re In the group constantly supporting women like I can’t even believe how often you’re in there and the advice you give, but you’re like, oh, my God, a birthday. I can’t do it.

Yeah. I don’t know. I guess that that is a good thing when it doesn’t feel like work. Right? But anyway, I in the past have felt a lot of obligation to, you know, make the homemade dinner, make the cake, make the make everything perfect.

[00:39:20]

And so, for the past few years, I just haven’t really done that. I’ve kind of lowered the bar and I haven’t done it. And I honestly thought that must just be how I am. That’s just how I am. And it’s never going to change. And I just need to accept that.

[00:39:39]

My son was sick earlier this week. And so, I had all this time at home that I hadn’t planned on having. And I was like, you know what sounds fun. It sounds fun to make a really nice homemade meal, make a big balloon arch, a cake from scratch. It sounded the opposite of when you were like in early sobriety and you’re like, I cannot fucking die the Easter eggs.

[00:40:03]

Like, I just, it sounded fine. And I was like, huh. I guess I should follow this because it sounds fun. And that’s totally my husband’s love language. Like I knew that he would be super appreciative of it. And it was just sweet because I thought, you know what? Even, even those things that we thought were no longer for us, like are redeemed in sobriety.

[00:40:26]

So, that’s been a really cool thing for this year and even stuff like I started playing Mahjong and I love it. So, I was like, invited to go to this Mahjong party and I got kind of nervous about it because it was a bunch of people that I didn’t know that well. And I thought, oh, there’s probably going to be a bunch of alcohol and it’s going to be annoying.

[00:40:49]

And it was so much fun. And I realized. I mean, like, I like this socialization. I need to do more of this. And for me, just for whatever reason, having like a card game or some sort of thing you’re doing is a lot more fun for me than just going to like a cocktail party or something where you’re sort of making small talk the whole time.

[00:41:14]

So, that’s been really fun and something that I am going to like. Really try to cultivate more of in this past year, but even stuff, like stuff for my kid’s school that I have said no to for so long. One of my friends is the head of like the parents association. And she asked me, could you be in charge of the sponsorship committee for the big auction we have?

[00:41:39]

And I thought. You know what? I haven’t done that in a really long time. Actually, that kind of sound, I could do that. Like, this is actually something that’s pretty easy. It’s kind of sells itself. It’s not that hard to do. And although I am supposed to raise like 50,000, but you’re like, this is what blows my mind about you.

[00:41:58]

Like, you have come such a far from the beginning in terms of even what you want to handle. Cause you’re like, dip. Fuck. No, raise 2,000. Sure. Okay. What is it that Glennon Doyle says? Like, I can do hard things, but I can’t do easy things. Like, that resonates with me a lot. But anyway yeah, she said, do you want to do the sponsorship?

[00:42:20]

And I responded back and I was like, yeah, I’ll do that. And she was like, wait, what? I thought you were going to say no to this. Like, I’m so surprised and happy that you agreed to do it. And it’s been, but you weren’t doing it. Cause you felt like you should do it back. And we’re like, yeah, Do I want to do this?

[00:42:36]

Yeah. Like I have time in my life to do it. And it, I honestly was like, it would be good. I’m like that old mom now at my kid’s school where like my youngest child’s friends. Mothers, like, used to be my babysitters, you know? And so, I don’t know them that well. And so, I’m like, Okay, this would be a good way to kind of meet some of these people and in, in, like, a more meaningful way than just like small talk.

[00:43:03]

And so, that’s really good actually.

So, yeah, I feel like I’m kind of growing into this new life and it’s been. It’s been a journey, but it’s been the best decision I ever made for myself.

 

Yeah, I love that.

And one of the things, if someone is listening to this is just, you get to grow and you get to transform and you get to evolve.

 

[00:43:31]

And even if you have no idea what that is right now, I mean, I had no idea. Marriott had no idea. Like, just be curious.

Yes. And trust that as you take care of yourself, you will have more space in your life and be happier and be less overwhelmed. I mean, and, and the way we evolve is different. So, year 2 for me was joy. Year 2 for you was like, feeling it all.

[00:44:00]

I actually looked at year 3 just thinking about what it was for me and that was the year I went back to coaching school when I felt like I literally could not handle any part of my life. Any new responsibility when I was drinking with my job and my kids and then year three, like, for me, that was all about, like, I think Nelson Mandela said, may your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.

[00:44:26]

I had been so afraid to leave my corporate job and yet so stressed out about it. And I remember the day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday, because I worked in e-comm. I said to my husband, like, I don’t want to be doing this 5 years from now. Like, I don’t want my boss’s job. I don’t want to do this in a year.

[00:44:45]

I wish I didn’t have to do this tomorrow. But all these fears of like financial security and what people will Think and, you know, did I fail and could I make any money doing anything else? Those were the things that had kept me stuck. And I was just like, Hey, babe, I kind of want to go back to coaching school.

[00:45:03]

I want to meet all these cool people. Worst case scenario, I’ll get a year of like great personal development. And I was scared to ask him and he was like, Yeah, do it. Like, at what point in your life do you get to do something just because you’re interested in it? And I was just like, Oh, I have permission to do that.

[00:45:22]

And I have the space and capacity to like, use my brain and use my heart and learn things for no purpose other than it lights me up. Yeah, but then like, look at what that following your calling has done, you know. Yeah, it’s like the divine breadcrumbs, like a hundred percent, but I didn’t know. So coming back to the original question, which is what keeps you motivated to keep going after a year of sobriety, two years of sobriety, three years of sobriety?

[00:45:58]

What is that for you? Okay. Well, three things. The first is, I feel that not having alcohol in my life is the foundation for every good thing that I have. And I am under no illusions that it would not be just as horrible as it was, and probably worse than it was, if I were to go back to that. The second is that, honestly, drinking isn’t congruent.

[00:46:31]

With my life anymore and who I’ve become. There’s not anyone in my life that would be at this point like, Oh, yay. I’m so glad you gave up that not drinking thing. That was a bummer. I’m so happy that you can come out to the bar with us now. I don’t have people in my life that think that not that they don’t go to the bar, want to go to the bar.

[00:46:53]

I’m not saying that it’s just, they know that that’s not what’s best for me and the people that I have in my life. Now that I’m that I have relationships with want what’s best for me. And so, I think that it would be just basically blowing up my life to go back to that. And then the 3rd thing is, just a story that I had.

[00:47:17]

That’s kind of a metaphor and 1 of the things that keeps me going, which is obviously just the example that we are setting for our kids. And I’m so glad that my kids aren’t going to grow up with that. Like mom always has a wine glass in her hand. I’m so glad they don’t think that’s normal. And so, the story is we go skiing every year out west and we were skiing and the kids had been in ski school for a few days, and then the last day we were like, okay, we’re going to let everybody ski with us and my youngest was probably five, he was either four or five, I think he was five.

[00:47:58]

And so, he’s a pretty new skier.

[00:48:00]

He’s maybe skied two years. And he, but he is doing great. And so, we start going and we didn’t realize that like in ski school, you know, the ski instructor skis in front and they follow the ski instructor. And so, we didn’t really think about that. So, we just get up there and then everybody just starts taking off.

[00:48:20]

Well, then my youngest. Just points his skis like directly down the mountain and starts going straight down the mountain instead of, you know, kind of winding his way. So then, he kept falling and he was getting frustrated or whatever. And so, I was like, Oh, we need to leave. Like, one of us needs to lead.

[00:48:38]

And so, I was like, okay, I’ll go in the front because I’m not a good enough skier to pick somebody up after they fall. So, my husband, I needs to be in the back so that he can pick up and I’ll lead in the front. So as I’m leading. I felt in my spirit, you can lead them down any mountain you choose. And I thought, wow.

[00:49:00]

Yeah. And there are some mountains that I have chosen that would have been really bad to lead them down. And I am so glad that I have chosen the paths that I have chosen now to lead them down. And the coolest part about it is that, when we got down that mountain on that pass, where I led them, my youngest was like, mom, that was so fun.

[00:49:24]

I want you to lead me every time. And so, I was like, Oh, it was just one of those moments that like means so much more than the actual thing. And I’ll just never forget it. And that is one of the, one of the underlying reasons that, you know, I’m choosing better for myself and for my family. And I think that, you know, we are breaking chains by doing that.

[00:49:54]

We are forging, like, my kids are not going to be under the, any illusions that like heavy drinking in college, whether they choose to participate in that or not, is just harmless. Mm hmm.

Yeah, what that reminds me of is, you know, after I stopped drinking somewhere between 3 months and 6 months, my husband didn’t necessarily want me to totally stop drinking.

[00:50:23]

Right? We had a lot of fun together and he. Was like, are you sure you’re not going to drink sometimes or whatever and in terms of like leading them down any mountain. I turned to him and I was like, babe, our family wants no part of where my drinking was headed. Like, just trust me on that. And that just reminded me when you were saying that, you know, like, I just was like, you don’t want to jump on this train.

[00:50:54]

And I know you don’t know how I felt or where I was going, but like, you don’t have to know to trust me on this one. Right.

So, like, to that point, you don’t have to wait until you have, you know, crashed and burned to get off the train. You can, you can see clearly where. It’s going and decide that you’re going to leave that behind.

[00:51:22]

And that’s also about trusting yourself and honoring yourself enough to make other people uncomfortable and do it anyway, because it’s best for you.

So, just to wrap this up, when you were saying that about like keeping going and one thing for everything or whatever, and all the years and all the evolutions you’ve had, I just want to, okay.

[00:51:45]

Reiterate for people when you said not drinking was the foundation of everything good in your life. I often tell people, and I know I’ve said this to you, that like just not drinking is not the end goal. That’s not the reason you’re doing this. You stop drinking so that you can do all the other things in your life.

[00:52:08]

That you want to do and the truth is that drinking is keeping you stuck and once you like, get rid of that ball and chain around your ankle, you have no idea how great your life is going to be and how you’re going to feel and everything you’re going to do and you don’t have to have an idea what that is right now, you don’t, you just have to know that like drinking Is not working for you right now.

[00:52:36]

And same thing as you said about like Christmas, like, I’m just going to try this for a hundred days for six months for a year. I don’t know about forever, but like, let’s just try this and see if I’m happier. Yeah. And one of the things you told me early on that really resonated with me was the image of like, like basically you are a bad ass, like you are doing all this stuff and you’re drinking every day.

[00:53:03]

And you’re, it’s like you’re wearing a backpack full of rocks on your back.

Yeah. And I realized like, oh my gosh, life could be so much easier than this. Why am I doing this self, self-sabotaging behavior to myself every single day? And so, getting rid of that. I mean, I was just thinking about that when you were talking about, yeah, and I was so overwhelmed.

[00:53:26]

And then, two years later, I went to coaching school. Like, so nothing else had really changed other than you weren’t doing, you weren’t drinking every night. And then, all of a sudden, you have enough time and energy to get a second degree.

Yeah, while working full time while with the kids and John Mayer said, you know, he stopped drinking and he is this great interview where he says, you know what you know. I, when I stopped drinking, I was like, I don’t have, you know, I’m not going to have those same high highs, you know, that you get, but I’m also not going to have the same low lows.

[00:54:04]

And in the beginning, it might feel like, okay, I’m settling. In the middle, right? Like, I’m just have this and then he said, what if you do that? And then you raise the entire line to a higher level. And that’s what happens, right? Like, you think that you’re going to mediocre and you’re actually raising the entire base of your life.

[00:54:27]

Yes, and I was going to say that, when you were talking about, like, not, not doing things from a place of fear. Like, I feel like that is how. We are making decisions when we’re trying to like, so tightly hold on to alcohol in our lives is it’s all based on fear. It’s the fear of what happens if I let this go?

[00:54:50]

What happens if this means something about me? What, you know, all of that. And I just refuse to live in that place anymore. I don’t live in fear and I try to live in truth. And that applies to everything from parenting to like spirituality to like my calling and all of that stuff. I just, I want to make decisions and I want to grow in my life based on truth and not based on fear.

[00:55:22]

Yeah, and based on potential, not lowest common denominator, like, where alcohol is the one reward in your life, you should have a plethora of rewards and joys in your life, and so that’s like your one thing for everything, and even if you don’t see it right now, like, get away from it and you will see it.

[00:55:44]

Yeah. So also thank you for everything you do for all the women in our community. I mean, you are amazing. They love you like crazy and the amount that you are giving back to other people to help them get away from drinking and come back to life is really amazing. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

[00:56:03]

Thanks Casey. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to do it. It’s been a joy.