SUMMARY KEYWORDS

Motivated, sober, sobriety, 100 days, long-term sobriety, sober curious, drinking, stop drinking, alcohol-free, routine, early sobriety, Reconnect with Your “Why”, journaling, Build Joy Into Your Life, connection, freedom, feeling understood, emotional support, community, self-care, self-love, journey, rediscover passions, hobbies, first year of sobriety is about navigating triggers, setting boundaries, and learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions, reframing mindset, creating space for things she truly loves, sober friends

SPEAKERS: Casey McGuire Davidson + Marriott Miller

00:02

Welcome to the Hello Someday Podcast, the podcast for busy women who are ready to drink less and live more. I’m Casey McGuire Davidson, ex-red wine girl turned life coach helping women create lives they love without alcohol. But it wasn’t that long ago that I was anxious, overwhelmed, and drinking a bottle of wine and night to unwind. I thought that wine was the glue, holding my life together, helping me cope with my kids, my stressful job and my busy life. I didn’t realize that my love affair with drinking was making me more anxious and less able to manage my responsibilities.

In this podcast, my goal is to teach you the tried and true secrets of creating and living a life you don’t want to escape from.

Each week, I’ll bring you tools, lessons and conversations to help you drink less and live more. I’ll teach you how to navigate our drinking obsessed culture without a bus, how to sit with your emotions, when you’re lonely or angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, how to self soothe without a drink, and how to turn the decision to stop drinking from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life.

I am so glad you’re here. Now let’s get started.

[00:01:21]

Hey there, today we are talking with Marriott, who was one of my private coaching clients 5 years ago on going from Dry January to 5 years alcohol-free. Marriott is amazing. And one of the reasons I wanted to have this conversation is lots of people ask me to talk about

 

what keeps you motivated to keep going after so many years of sobriety.

 

 

[00:01:47]

People are worried that in the beginning, they’re super motivated. They have a really great memory of why they want to stop drinking and as the months go on, or even as life goes on. A year goes on, that memory starts to fade and I did that too. I was sober for a year and then tried to go back to drinking as soon as my daughter was born and went back to the same place.

[00:02:12]

You are going to love Marriott. She’s amazing. She works with me in the sobriety starter kit membership group, and you are going to learn so much from her.

[00:02:21]

So Marriott, welcome. I’m so glad you agreed to come on the pod.

Thanks Casey. I’m excited to be here. Thanks for having me.

Yeah, and we’ve been working together for the last year and a half in the community, but I wanted to have this conversation because you now have been sober for five years and that is a really long time to move from early sobriety and just figuring out how to not drink to year one and year two and year three and how your sobriety evolves and how your motivation to continue not to drink keeps going.

 

[00:03:04]

Yeah I mean, I think this is such a full circle moment for me because I feel like I heard you on a podcast that I randomly stumbled upon and I just loved so much how you described an experience that I was having in my life with alcohol and I had not really been able to articulate it or even understand what was happening.

[00:03:30]

And more than anything that I’d ever heard, I was able to identify with you in the things that you were saying. And so it’s just crazy to me that now I’m working with you and here I am on your podcast.

So, anyway, thanks for having me.

Oh, of course. And Marriott was actually my client number 14, five years ago, which is insane.

[00:03:54]

My private coaching client. I’ve worked with about 150 women since then. So it was really incredible to work with Marriott again and follow up on how fantastic you’re doing. And thank you for taking a chance on me when I was a super new coach back in the day. Oh, well, I mean, I highly recommend you to anybody that gets the chance to work with Casey.

[00:04:17]

Well, let’s go back to the beginning. And will you just tell us briefly, what made you decide to get support and reach out to me? I know you heard me on a podcast originally, and your kids were 2, 7, 8, 9.

[00:04:33]

And 9 at the time, will you tell me a little bit more about that?

Yeah, so I had kind of realized that alcohol was not working in my life and I had gone periods of time where I had quit using it but I just really couldn’t seem to make that stick.

Number one, it just felt like I’m going to take a break from this and then it’s not going to be a problem anymore and then I would let it back in my life and eventually, it would.

And then, the other thing was that, it really never felt like a positive health choice that I was making.

[00:05:08]

It felt very much like a punishment or some way that I was different or separate from everyone else that I knew. And so, I was really attracted to your message, which was one of positivity and this is not the end of the world. You are making a positive health choice for yourself and your family. And so, as soon as I heard you on, I think it was the Shameless Mom Academy podcast. I immediately knew, I’ve got to talk to this.

[00:05:38]

And then, 1 of the cool things about doing private coaching for me was, I felt like I was able to get some kind of micro coaching as opposed to like, when you’re going to therapy or something, you see the therapist every other week or every month or whatever, and all these things happen in between the times that you’re seeing that person and you’re, you’re not able to even sometimes remember them.

[00:06:05]

And you’re certainly not able to get coaching, like, in the moment. And so, I can remember countless times standing in my pantry and texting you and being like, I’m about to pull my hair out. It’s been the longest day. What do I do? And so, that was super, super helpful for me in terms of being able to kind of reframe my thinking and my habits.

[00:06:32]

Yeah, that’s awesome. And I think that is something that everyone needs to do to just figure out like for their own life how not drinking works for them and also what help or support they need to move through their life without getting to the point where they’re just like, I need to check out by drinking.

[00:06:53]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I felt like. You would constantly ask me, have you eaten anything? You know, are, can you not go to all these things that you have scheduled for today? Can you get some help? And so, kind of pushing me outside of my comfort zone and instead of just removing this substance and then trying to live life exactly the same way. It was relearning how to take care of myself, how to prioritize myself.

[00:07:25]

So, I’m going to talk a little bit about myself and how to kind of keep my life at a manageable level.

So, I didn’t feel like I needed to take the edge off.

Yeah, absolutely. And your life was set up the way so many women’s lives are set up where you’re just incredibly busy. You’re putting everyone else first.

[00:07:44]

And you drink because you want something for yourself and you want to forget about it and you want to turn off at the end of the day or push down whatever emotions you have instead of prioritizing yourself and setting up boundaries

[00:08:00]

And actually figuring out what would make you happy.

Yeah. And I think, I mean, I know a lot of people that listen to this are likely like corporate in the corporate world, like you were.

[00:08:11]

And I was originally in the corporate world, but when I had my kids, I decided to stay home with them. And honestly, that was super hard for me because I am your typical gold star girl and you know, trying to get that a plus on everything. And motherhood was just. It’s just kind of a shocking realization that you don’t get a gold star in motherhood.

[00:08:36]

Maybe long term, you do, but in the short term it felt very much like Groundhog Day. I didn’t feel the intellectual stimulation that I was used to feeling. I didn’t have. A lot of adults around me most of the time to just pass the time with. And so, I think that was one of the factors that led to some maladaptive coping mechanisms.

[00:09:00]

Yeah, I totally agree with that. I mean, that’s actually one of the reasons I went back to work after my kids was because I actually found work easier than staying home with my kids and it is different for every single person. And we’ve talked about this, Mariette, like, I am just not the get on the floor crafty mom.

[00:09:21]

I don’t enjoy that in any way. And I, you know, especially when the kids are young, I just felt it was so humbling. I felt like I almost could never. Not win, but like succeed for more than like an hour at a time. Like the kids were just, it was so like, what have you done for me lately? And I’m like, I’ve done everything I possibly can with every ounce of energy I can.

[00:09:49]

And yet, you know, when they’re little, I’m like, you’re screaming in my face. You’re like, what’s happening.

 

Yeah, and I think that I just prefer a more controlled environment. And so, the chaos of that really threw me for a loop and it’s taken a lot of self-reflection and it honestly has taught me so much about myself and helped me to grow to be more of a flexible person to stay home with them.

[00:10:16]

So, I wouldn’t trade it or make a different decision, but it definitely it was hard for me.

Yeah, yeah, and it’s challenging.

Well, so we’re going to go through each of the years because again, people are like, okay, after you stop drinking, how do you stay motivated and inspired to keep going with sobriety?

[00:10:44]

And it changes. That’s what’s really interesting about stopping drinking. I tell women when I’m doing private coaching, like everything’s like Tailored to you, but the beginning part, the beginning steps, what we work through is very, [00:11:00] very similar for most women, meaning the tools are different, but the ups and downs of what you go through and your fears and challenges and all that.

[00:11:10]

are similar in terms of overcoming it. But once you get past early sobriety, that’s when sort of life coaching comes in, which is basically the rest of sobriety is life coaching. And for every single woman I work with, that is something different. And that’s exciting for me to get to see like, Oh my God, 150 clients.

[00:11:34]

Are doing such awesome things that are very, very different and going through different challenges, but I wanted to talk with you because I think the evolution is really interesting.

So, we talked about year 1 and you said that sort of your theme, or your, where you were in that 1st year was around the concept of staying here.

[00:12:00]

Can you tell me about that?

Yeah, and actually for 1 of my silver milestones, I bought myself this gold bracelet and it actually says that on the inside. It says stay here and I still wear it every day, but, I sort of, I like to tell people that when I quit drinking, it was kind of like Elsa from Frozen like defrosting.

[00:12:20]

So, I think that I had come to use alcohol as a way to distance myself from what I was feeling. And so, it was really about learning to see. Sit in uncomfortable emotions for me. So for instance, when I’m in my pantry texting you at five o’clock in the afternoon, it’s like, okay, you’re annoyed. Like that’s okay.

[00:12:45]

It’s not going to kill you and you don’t have to do anything to make that feeling go away. You can just be annoyed.

And so, something that I’ve had to learn over time is that these feelings pass. And you don’t actually have to hit them over the head with anything to make them go away. They pass all on their own and they actually pass more quickly if you let yourself feel them and process them.

[00:13:14]

So, really. It was more about just sitting and not running. And interestingly so, I actually quit drinking on January 1st of 2020, so it’ll be 5 years on January 1st of 2025, which I think this is coming out after that. Right?

Yeah. So, right. An interesting thing happened a few months after I quit drinking, which was COVID.

[00:13:44]

So there was the whole stay at home. For months and homeschool your kids and you can’t leave the house and all that stuff. So, interestingly, honestly, I don’t think I would have quit drinking on January 1st, 2020, if I had known what was coming. But, interestingly, COVID kind of provided me this little bubble like a safe space of my house.

[00:14:14]

Where I didn’t have the pressure that I often see people in early sobriety have, which is happy hours. They’re supposed to go to work events, Christmas parties, all of that stuff was sort of off the table for the first few months for me, which I really look back on as a grace. I think that in a lot of ways that made it easier now, in a lot of ways, it was harder because I literally had no alone time because I had a 2 year old and a 7 year old and a 9 year old at home.

[00:14:44]

But we all lived through that and interestingly, what I was going to say is that during that time I started doing some stuff like running in my neighborhood. And to me, running has been kind of a parallel process to the like staying here thing because I’m actually not very good at running and I kind of hate it. While I’m doing it, but then I feel so good when I’m, you know, finished and I’m not talking about running.

[00:15:14]

I would never like run a marathon. I’m talking about running like 2 or 3 miles, but it feels the same in terms of. I want to quit doing it and I just tell myself. 30 more seconds. 30 more 30 more seconds. So, it’s almost like practice of staying in an uncomfortable and that’s like a physical. I’m an uncomfortability. But I think it applies and it carries over to like the emotional uncomfortability too. I know you had to do that a lot.

[00:15:51]

You know, I know one of your triggers, because we worked together, was that sense of like, not having control and having things being overwhelming and just so much going on in your home. And that was a huge trigger during COVID, right?

You didn’t have your kids going to school 5 days a week or, you know, dealing with one child instead of 3, plus all the additional .You know, to be fully transparent, COVID was the first year I started my business.

[00:16:24]

I left my corporate job in December and started Coaching full time in January. And, and, you know, COVID hit in March and everybody was home, but my husband happened to have a sabbatical that year to get his master’s in education, leadership. And so, he worked in a school. So, he literally was the one homeschooling my 5 year old daughter.

[00:16:50]

And so, I just went into my office and shut the door, which was maybe not great for our marriage because he was like, seriously, I was in [my office more than I’ve ever been since COVID ended. I was like hustling, but it was because I couldn’t like do the kid thing. So ,I am incredibly amazed at how you worked through that in your first year of sobriety.

[00:17:18]

And it’s different for everyone, right? But for you, that was hitting every trigger you had.

For sure. And I remember many days when my husband would get home from work because he would still go to the office and I would literally have my running shoes on like tag, you’re it. I’m out in the neighborhood with, you know, Brené Brown or whatever podcast I was listening to and just running that energy out instead of using alcohol to kind of push those feelings down.

[00:17:53]

Yeah. Another thing that I did early on, which I feel like, is also about sitting down with emotions as I started getting up before my family.

 

Really carved out like 30 minutes to an hour of time just to like be alone and center myself. So I would do this thing called centering prayer, but it’s essentially like a 20 minute meditation.

[00:18:21]

And then, I had I’m not really a great journaler, but I had like some different devotional things. I would read and have my coffee and it just like makes, and I still do all that to this day on the days. I don’t do it. I feel like I am just not nearly as centered and kind of present in my body as the days go by.

[00:18:45]

That I do it. So that is a huge was a game changer for me. And when previous to that, I was getting up, you know, at the same time as my kids were. And so, we were all just kind of running around crazy. Everybody’s frustrated with each other trying to get out the door. So, yeah, days like that sometimes, but for the most part it’s a lot better.

[00:19:10]

Well, and there’s 2 pieces of that that I thought was interesting.

So, in terms of staying here, I mean, I think most people listening to this might relate. I used to drink over, well, I drank seven days a week. So, I used to drink over every emotion, right? Like, anger, resentment, frustration, you know, excitement, reward, boredom.

[00:19:34]

I drank through all of that. And when you were saying when you were annoyed at, you know, before dinnertime or whatever it was, and you were like, Okay, I just have to sit through this like just stay through this. It won’t kill me.

When I was in early sobriety and I’m talking like 10 12 days in, I was going through a really difficult time with my boss at work and a bunch of stuff happened that in retrospect was legitimately shitty. But I remember just feeling such anger and rage and frustration and sadness and I’ve been wronged or whatever.

[00:20:13]

And I went up to the top of my, of my driveway and just sat down on the driveway and freaking cried and like angry cry, you know what I mean? Just like every emotion out there. And then, I went into my garden and I like rage gardened. I was like shoveling rocks. But then an hour later. It passed and I had literally never done that before as an adult, except when I was pregnant and your hormones are everywhere.

Anyway, but I just was, you know, usually I would drink a bottle of wine and the anger and resentment and whatever all the emotions would like both get escalated and completely numb out.

[00:20:59]

And then, I would wake up in the morning and blame myself and feel guilty and ashamed and sick and also still angry and resentful. And it was just when you’re talking about, like, just staying here, it’s kind of amazing the first time that you do it and you’re like, Oh, my God, that emotion passed in X amount of time.

[00:21:21]

So, you’re talking about being annoyed and I totally get that. And, you know, usually you drink and you wake up and feel like shit, but here’s the other part. You blame yourself for drinking. And then that lets you minimize the very real triggers or emotions or whatever it is that you’re experiencing, right?

[00:21:42]

You don’t get to be like, I’m annoyed. And that’s valid. And that means I need help. Right. And I also feel like to that point, it doesn’t motivate you to change when you are pushing all that stuff down. It’s not uncomfortable enough.

So, if there’s a situation, like for instance, you feel like you’re doing too much of the Work at home or something like that.

[00:22:07]

And you feel resentful about that. And instead of having a conversation about that, instead, you just drink those feelings away. Then it’s like the path of least resistance. Like you, you don’t actually have to change, but I found that when you take alcohol out of the picture, a lot of times things become so uncomfortable.

[00:22:28]

That you have to do something about it. You have to have the hard conversations. You have to change the way that you’re just pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing. Otherwise, you probably will go back to alcohol.

Yeah. Well, and not only that it, you know, it’s you could go on burying your head and numbing yourself daily for five years or more or You could just deal with the situation and literally change your life for the better, even if it’s uncomfortable for sure.

[00:23:07]

And there’s so many things I can’t think of a great example right now, but I just feel like there’s so many things where, for instance, I’ll say something, have that hard conversation with my husband or something. I think is going to be a hard conversation and he’s just like. Okay, I can do that. Like it wasn’t a thing.

[00:23:24]

It was only a thing in my mind. And so, I just needed to say it and ask for what I wanted. And he’s perfectly willing to comply with that.

Yeah. And that’s like wonderful. The other thing that we, that I thought of when you were talking about it is, the metaphor. I liked. To think of when I think of the way we do that, right?

[00:23:47]

The way we stuff things down and just numb out Is it’s like giving a pacifier to a baby meaning it shuts you up and so a baby is crying because they want to be held or they’re hungry or they need to be changed or they’re super tired. Whatever it is. And because we’re busy or maybe this was just me. I used, I had like pacifiers, I had like 20 scattered around everywhere.

[00:24:15]

Like, literally, at night in Lila’s bed. I would like throw five of them around so like she could grab it in the middle of the night. But it’s that self-soothing and that’s how we use alcohol, right? Like pour myself three glasses of wine. It’s like putting a pacifier in my mouth. But the truth is, we’re hungry or we’re tired or we’re frustrated or we need love, whatever it is.

[00:24:39]

Yeah, for sure. And one of the images that I have had about my life is I have felt like I’m in this box and I’m just, I’ve, I’ve been kept in this box. And I think that I’ve blamed a lot of different people in my life for that. And one time in therapy, I was talking about that and the therapist said, you know, that you’re the only one that can keep yourself in a box.

[00:25:00]

Right. And that’s exactly what we’re talking about, because I was the one that was keeping myself in the box because I wasn’t speaking what I felt. And I was just drinking at all of the resentments and the awkwardness and I mean anything. So, lots of positive changes and growth have come out of not having that crutch anymore.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson 

Hi there. If you’re listening to this episode, and have been trying to take a break from drinking, but keep starting and stopping and starting again, I want to invite you to take a look at my on demand coaching course, The Sobriety Starter Kit®.

 

The Sobriety Starter Kit® is an online self study sober coaching course that will help you quit drinking and build a life you love without alcohol without white knuckling it or hating the process. The course includes the exact step by step coaching framework I work through with my private coaching clients, but at a much more affordable price than one on one coaching. And the sobriety starter kit is ready, waiting and available to support you anytime you need it. And when it fits into your schedule. You don’t need to work your life around group meetings or classes at a specific day or time.

This course is not a 30 day challenge, or a one day at a time approach. Instead, it’s a step by step formula for changing your relationship with alcohol. The course will help you turn the decision to stop drinking, from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life.

You will sleep better and have more energy, you’ll look better and feel better. You’ll have more patience and less anxiety. And with my approach, you won’t feel deprived or isolated in the process. So if you’re interested in learning more about all the details, please go to www.sobrietystarterkit.com. You can start at any time and I would love to see you in the course. 

 

[00:25:26]

Yeah, and I know that one of the things that happened and a lot of women worry about this is They feel like they won’t be as connected with their spouse when they stop drinking and if you have kids It’s like your only adult time, right? And it’s the only time you like have sex and have fun and like let go of being parents or the schedule. That was one of your fears, too. You And I know you’ve said that you and your husband, like, you feel like he sees you and understands you better than he had through your whole relationship.

[00:26:04]

Yeah. And I think it’s just for that reason, because there’s a lot of things that I just, that went on said, because I didn’t feel comfortable saying them or I was trying to please him or whatever. And I didn’t have to say them because it wasn’t as uncomfortable when I was numbing it. But then when I wasn’t, it’s forced us to communicate better.

[00:26:27]

And Understand each other better. And also, grow into our own people, I guess I would say, because my husband and I met when we were in college, we’ve been dating since I was 18. and so a lot of our identity as a couple. But also my identity as a drinker, even was wrapped up in my relationship with him and being able to separate myself from that and separate myself from, Oh, maybe I actually don’t want to go do all these things that I’ve always gone and done because they actually make me feel really claustrophobic.

[00:27:10]

For instance, like going to big crowded sporting events. Maybe that’s not actually me. And so that has taken some adjustment, but I think that we both see each other more as separate people now, if that makes sense in a positive way, in a positive way. Yes.

Yeah, I think that’s really interesting. And I remember, I mean, what people don’t realize necessarily about the first year of sobriety is a lot of it is block and tackling.

[00:27:40]

It’s like having a situation where you have always drank through it or you have always, you know, handled it in a certain way and figuring out how to navigate it and how to enjoy it. Or not without drinking and one of the conversations we had is, if it is not fun, if you are not drinking, maybe it’s just not fun for you.

[00:28:05]

And then the situation needs to change, not drinking wine so that you can numb out of it. And we had this conversation, which was so dumb in terms of block and tackling around dying Easter eggs. Do you remember this?

Yes.

So, I feel like I always wanted to be the mom that was doing all the like Pinteresty stuff because I felt this obligation to do that stuff.

[00:28:36]

But that’s actually not my nature and I’m much happier to say like, let’s play checkers or let’s play UNO or let’s do a puzzle together than I am to get out of the paints and all the messy stuff. Like, it just, it really triggers my control issues to like, get all that stuff out. So I used to try to just do it.

[00:28:56]

Anyway, I would just push through all these natural, you know, listening to your inner voice. Like, I would push through those things out of obligation or out of like, should, you know, I should, I should want to dye Easter eggs with my kids, for example. And yeah, when I, when, when we were working together, you just were like, You know, you don’t have to do that.

[00:29:18]

Right. And I’m like, no, I didn’t realize that it was an option just to opt out of these things. And interestingly, I don’t know if I was telling you about this. I was telling somebody about this recently over Halloween. You know, we, I feel like I’m always pushing like let’s carve pumpkins, but 90 degrees at Halloween.

[00:29:40]

So, you can’t carve the pumpkin until like the day before Halloween. I am so jealous on Halloween. It was pouring rain, dark as hell and freezing here. And it is every year. Well, if you carve the pumpkin before basically the day before Halloween, then it ends up as like a little rotting surprise with gnats and bugs all over it, like in front of your front on your front porch.

[00:30:02]

So, you usually have to do it on like a work day. Anyway, so it was always a thing where I would go get the pumpkins. I would push it on everybody. My husband would end up like out on the back porch by himself, carving pumpkins after the kids had like, kind of forgotten about it and like gotten sidetracked.

[00:30:20]

And we, last year were like, why are we doing this? Nobody really cares. So, this year I was like, I don’t think we’re going to have time for this. I’m just not going to say anything about it and see if anybody brings it up. So nobody brings it up. Then on Halloween night, I thought, Oh, they’re totally going to bring it up after the fact, when they go and see all these other people’s houses and see the pumpkin.

[00:30:42]

You know what? No one has said a word about it. And I’m like, why am I forcing these things that they don’t, clearly they don’t even care about. And that’s. That’s the thing anyone listening to this I want you to do is, like, the minute you hear the word, the word should, like, I should be able to do this. I should do X.

[00:31:06]

I want you to put a period. Like, I should do X and then the next sentence needs to be. But what I really want to do is why? Because you know what it is you want to do instead of whatever you’re telling yourself you should do. And you need to know what that is. Like I should be doing X, but what I really want to do is take a nap or read a novel or go for a run or not see this person and see this other person instead or not go to my mother’s house for Thanksgiving.

[00:31:41]

And so you, you’re trying to minimize triggers in your first year. You’re trying to navigate them without drinking. You’re trying to lower the bar so that you have time to decompress and keep yourself in a good emotional space. And then, you also go through all the limiting beliefs, insecurities. How will people understand?

[00:32:03]

What will they think of me? So, there’s a lot of like internal work that happens in your first year. Above and beyond just not drinking this substance you’re used to.

Yeah. And I think that you know, it is all been about learning how to say no to those things and making room to actually want to do other things, you know. You can’t, like, at least for me, when you and I started working together, you know, you’re like, well, what do you like to do?

[00:32:40]

Like, I didn’t have a list of things I like to do. I had let everything go. I was filling up my whole life with obligation and, for me, at least, I couldn’t even imagine what I wanted to do until I lowered the bar enough to have some space and some time to even dream about things that I wanted to do.

[00:33:01]

So, you have to learn how to get that space and time. And I think that’s the first step.

Yeah, and in the beginning, I mean, my coach asked me as well. She was like, what do you love more than wine? And literally, my mind was blank. I was like, obviously, I love my husband and my kids. But, you know, that feels like, duh, but I was like, more than wine.

[00:33:26]

I was like, I like doing a lot of things. In addition to drinking, like, as paired or I was like, well, I like working out in the morning without a hangover more than I like a hangover, but it was so my mind was blank to like, why not?

Yeah. What do I like more? Well, I like concerts, but like I always drink at the concerts.

[00:33:50]

So, do I like that more than the wine? I mean, it was just so crazy that as for me a 40 year old adult woman who had done a lot of things that were super fun and pleasurable and joyful, I didn’t know what I enjoyed more. than alcohol or more than that buzzy feeling that lights you up. And so, it’s because all of your world has shrunk and drinking has become so important to you.

[00:34:21]

It’s crowded out other things where it’s paired with everything. And so you’re right. Like, You have to remove the alcohol and all you’re thinking about it in the ticker tape in your mind and all the other stuff around it and then there’s sort of this empty time between like no longer drinking all the time beating yourself up all that stuff and then not yet when new interests and activities and joys.

[00:34:50]

Yes. And I was just going to say, and then what do people always say? I’m bored. Yes.

It reminded me of, you know, your, your first question, which is like, what keeps you motivated to keep going after so many years of sobriety?

And one of the phrases that has meant a lot to me is, one thing for everything.

[00:35:10]

We can look at that from the negative perspective, which is what we’re talking about right now, which is when you continue to use alcohol in a problematic way, it will eventually be the only thing and everything else you’ve given away to that one thing. But when you give it up, you basically get everything, so you give away this one thing, and you get everything else, and to me, that is not an equal trade, and one that I am so glad to be on this side of.

[00:35:42]

Yeah, but you can’t see it until you get away from it, right? Because you’re like, one thing for everything, but if I take away this one thing, I have nothing. You know, like no reward, no joy, no fun. And so like, you need to get away from it for the new stuff to filter in and to have your mind not hijacked by the substance that like spikes up your joy and then brings you low.

[00:36:08]

And then, all the beliefs that you have about what that everything is going to be like when you don’t have alcohol are just at least for me, everything I thought about not drinking. Has been the exact opposite of the actual experience of it.

So, when you, before you stopped drinking, what did you think your life would look like without it?

[00:36:32]

I thought I wouldn’t have any friends. No one would want to hang out with me. And just a little example of how wrong that is, when I turned 40, which was almost two years ago, my best friend gave me this box and it was filled with letters and she had reached out to all of these different people in my life, not family, but friends of mine from, from different walks of my life and people that mean a lot to me right now in my life.

[00:37:03]

And there were 40 letters. She collected 40 letters of people and they were writing to tell me happy birthday and tell me basically what I had meant in their life and it was just a full circle moment for me because I remembered thinking if I give this up, I’m never going to have fun again. I’m never going to get invited to do stuff.

[00:37:24]

I’m not going to have any friends. And the reality is that I have way more friends and way more in depth, meaningful relationships now than I ever had then. And so, that’s just one example of how everything I thought about it was completely wrong.

I told you when you told me this story that that is literally the most meaningful and nicest gift I have ever received.

[00:37:53]

Heard of someone getting. I mean, I did that for my best friend, literally 3 months before she died. Like, I reached out to everyone in her life and put together letters in the present tense about how amazing she was. And how wonderful and how much they loved her and they were letters for her 5 year old son, but like for you to get that for your 40th birthday, like just to have that information, most people never hear that until like their eulogy.

[00:38:25]

I mean, For real. I mean, what a good friend. It was special, and I even, like, I didn’t open them all at once, so I, I would open one every morning during that morning quiet time that I was talking about as part of my, like, daily routine. I would kind of just open one of them and read it so that I could really kind of savor that experience.

[00:38:46]

Whole experience and also it was in stark contrast to a party that was thrown for me for my 30th birthday where I drank too much and Didn’t even make it out to the bars with people after the party and it was just kind of a nightmare situation That I felt so much shame about And so to realize like, Oh, that’s what my life was like when I was drinking and this is what my life is like when I’m not.

[00:39:19]

Yeah, it’s so much more full of like joy and connection and, you know, special moments. And we think that when we stop drinking, we’re not going to have any of that. Like I was so like, I’m never going to have that again. You know what I mean? And you get so many more highs without it.

So, first year, a lot of You’re uncomfortable, you’re navigating things, you’re block and tackling, you’re having conversations you never had before, you also are not feeling as sick, you realize that you can do things that you thought that you would never be able to do drinking, and you start to feel that, that joy.

[00:40:07]

And that appreciation and that gratitude, but it’s not easy. Like you have to go through uncomfortable moments.

Year two, you said it was all about feeling it all. So what happened in year two for you? I mean, honestly, I feel like it took me a while to realize this and only in retrospect, can I really see it that clearly?

[00:40:33]

But I think that what kind of surfaced after I gave up alcohol was that I really have some sort of Like ongoing kind of anxiety, depression, like phases in my life, and that definitely did not go away when I stopped drinking. Now, I didn’t feel existential dread and anxiety on a daily basis. Like I did before I quit drinking,

[00:41:03]

But I just would get all worked up for a period of time, or I would get really just kind of down for a period of time. So it was a little bit of a roller coaster. And I. So I, when I say feel it all, I guess I meant kind of getting to know that part of myself that I had been running away from for so long.

[00:41:29]

And in retrospect, and my mother actually helped me. Kind of come to terms with this, like basically she was telling me things, which I had already known, but about like things I did as a little baby and things I did as a little girl that like made me realize, Oh, I have always had this, I have always struggled with this.

[00:41:49]

I just didn’t have the vocabulary or the education to understand exactly what it was and how to fix it. And so it makes sense. Sense that I would have turned to kind of self-medication to deal with that. But as we know, you know, alcohol is a depressant. It’s like pouring gasoline on your anxiety. So it may work short term. Mm-hmm.

[00:42:12]

To help you deal with those things. But I can tell you for sure it does not help in the long term.

Yeah. And you know, we had very similar experiences. We’ve talked about this, but I also, you know, when I was drinking, felt dread like that existential dread. I was fearful about my future. I had always gone through sort of phases of anxiety and depression, which I blamed myself for and blame drinking for and was never honest with my therapist, obviously about how much I was drinking.

[00:42:44]

And it wasn’t until after I stopped drinking that I realized that I also had, like, for me, it was a mood disorder, you know, that would come intermittently that I finally. got medication and tools for, but it was something I never would have realized if I hadn’t stopped drinking and then I was able to solve for it.

[00:43:06]

Right. I feel like, when you know you are drinking problematically, it can almost be like the thing you blame everything on.

So like, I’m overweight. It’s because I drink too much. I’m depressed. It’s because I drink too much. I’m anxious. It’s because I drink too much, et cetera, et cetera. And when you remove that, you get, it gets really clear about, A lot of that does go away and your life gets a whole lot easier, but some of that is just the way you’re wired, whether it’s genetics or what.

[00:43:39]

And so, what I always tell people in our group, when they’re dealing with this kind of stuff is you deserve real solutions to your problem, not, you know, drinking a carcinogenic. Poison every night.

Yeah, I think that a lot of people self-medicate. So, if you’re listening to this, and you’re like, I’m anxious, I’m depressed, I have relationship issues, whatever it is.

[00:44:09]

When you stop drinking, you at least get your baseline and then you’re able to see clearly the support you need.

And if you’re self-medicating, which a lot of us do, there might be something that you do need to deal with, mental health, anything else. And you need to know what that is because you get to solve for it.

[00:44:33]

Yeah. And then, I think the other thing that happened in the second year is that I started, I can look back and see that I started kind of adding in. Some things that brought me joy for me, things that were for me. So for instance, I joined my church choir, which is something that I said I wanted to do before I had children.

[00:44:54]

And then, basically, I got pregnant with my first child and was like, eh, nevermind. This is not going to be a good time.

And then, literally a decade went by. I never did it until 10 years later. And it has been just connecting back with that music, like the music part of me that I always loved until I went to college and left all that behind has been such a gift and something that I get to do twice a week now.

[00:45:19]

And just an unexpected joy, but then I also like started playing tennis. I started going to Orange Theory regularly and working out and I started, this is a funny one. I started collecting indoor plants. So I’m like a terrible outdoor plant person, like out of sight, out of mind. I can’t remember to water them.

[00:45:39]

But for some reason, the green indoor plants that only need to be watered once a week I can handle. And it became this kind of little, just, it was like this tiny you know, Symbol of like, I’m taking care of these things. And these things are growing and thriving and I don’t know, just kind of some, it was symbolic to me of something.

[00:46:03]

So, now, I have like a whole collection of green plants and I sometimes neglect them, but they have mostly all made it. And I just, it’s just funny. Like, I remember in this kind of time, looking around and being like, who am I? Like, I’ve got plants now inside my house. I’m the plant lady, but I don’t know.

[00:46:23]

And I know you’ve said this so many times, like, it’s so interesting, like, sobriety is so interesting, like, you, there’s so many things you can do, when you’re drinking, like, that is so boring and singular.

Yeah, and for me, year two was, was similar in terms of, like, my word for the year was joy, like, I’d gotten out of this really bad place, I mean, I was worried for my mental health, I was hungover, I was, you know, Overcompensating.

[00:46:52]

I was a murder. You name it. I’d finally gotten away from that in year two. I was just like, I just want to feel joy.

And so, like, I got kittens and I went to like this mindful triathlon and like, danced and did yoga and meditation and ran a 5k and went on vacation to Mexico and, you know, got to get, I went to a retreat and it felt like summer camp for adults.

[00:47:18]

Like, I slept in a yurt and those are all things I loved as a kid. You know what I mean? Like summer camp for me. I mean, I went backpacking. I loved being around people and like just having these deep discussions and looking at the stars and being together and doing that in year two. It was like all the tingly feels.

[00:47:41]

Yeah, I like to tell people that I feel like my high school self now, but only the best way. It’s not in the like, you know, self-conscious or whatever ways, but just like the high school self. That’s like, little things bring you joy and you’re interested in things and you have dreams and hopes about your future and all of those things have come back to me since leaving alcohol behind.

[00:48:07]

Yeah, and when you say that, I remember we did something in this Friday starter kit membership community, which was like, show us a picture of the happiest time in your life, like, when you felt that true joy and I want to, you know, you to tell me about yours.

Mine was like when I was 15 and on this like backpacking trip with 30 kids and 6 leaders and we were going through the whole Northwest.

[00:48:31]

And I remember like, just feeling this like connection and joy and feeling understood for the first time in my life.

And just like, It, you know, watching these mountains around me and it was just like, so incredible and like, you get to feel that in surprise, like you said, you get to be back in your high school self, but without all the fucking insecurities and angst and fear of, you know.

[00:49:00]

Whatever, you know, all that.

Yeah. And like, also, a lot of the big questions about your life. Like, who am I going to marry? Where am I going to go to college? All these things are kind of answered like in your forties. And so, it feels even more freeing.

Yeah. Mine was a summer camp picture too. It was me.

[00:49:17]

I grew up going to summer camp every summer for five weeks and it was my special place where I felt Kind of understood, like you’re saying I felt like I fit in better there than I had at home and I still actually see some of those girls to this day. So, it’s and my daughter goes there now. So, it’s cool.

[00:49:41]

I get to go there every summer now. And, so it’s a cool kind of family tradition that we have, but to me it was I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of the term, like thin places, but it’s kind of a thin places used to describe like a place where it feels like heaven and earth are closer to each other than in other places.

[00:50:01]

And for me, that summer camp was definitely like that. All right, I’ve never heard that, but I love it. That’s amazing. Thin places.

[00:50:11]

Wow, what an amazing conversation today with Marriott. We ended up talking about so many great things.

I split this interview into two podcast episodes.

So, if you’re wondering what it’s like to stay motivated in your sobriety beyond the first and second year, you are going to love what we dive into.

 

[00:50:34]

In part two, next week, Marriott shares how years 3 through 5 became a journey of acceptance, letting go, and ultimately choosing joy in ways she’s never imagined.

 

We talk about the surprising ways she discovered deep acceptance of herself, including finally addressing her lifelong anxiety with therapies and tools that truly worked.

 

[00:51:00]

She’ll share how building a network of alcohol-free friends, not just online, but in person transformed her life and helped her see that fun connection and laughter didn’t need a single drop of alcohol.

 

Marriott also opens up about setting boundaries, protecting her mental health and learning to say no to the things that drained her and yes, to the things that truly lit her up.

 

[00:51:27]

You’ll hear her beautiful story about how letting go of perfection led to her family’s best Christmas ever and how following her divine breadcrumbs has brought joy and meaning to her life and finally, we talk about what keeps her motivated.

 

Now, how being alcohol-free has become the foundation for everything good in her life, how it’s changing her relationships and how it’s shaped the example she’s setting for her kids.

 

[00:51:55]

Trust me, her metaphor about leading your family down the mountain will give you chills. So, make sure you tune in for the next episode for part two. You don’t want to miss the next chapter in Marriott’s journey.

And if you love this episode, please share it with a friend who could use a little motivation to keep going.