SUMMARY KEYWORDS

drinking, day, sobriety, sober, life, night, wine, alcohol, casey, stopped, thinking, coach, kids, audios, husband, wolfie, months, week, happy

SPEAKERS: Casey McGuire Davidson

00:02

Welcome to the Hello Someday Podcast, the podcast for busy women who are ready to drink less and live more. I’m Casey McGuire Davidson, ex-red wine girl turned life coach helping women create lives they love without alcohol. But it wasn’t that long ago that I was anxious, overwhelmed, and drinking a bottle of wine and night to unwind. I thought that wine was the glue, holding my life together, helping me cope with my kids, my stressful job and my busy life. I didn’t realize that my love affair with drinking was making me more anxious and less able to manage my responsibilities.

In this podcast, my goal is to teach you the tried and true secrets of creating and living a life you don’t want to escape from.

Each week, I’ll bring you tools, lessons and conversations to help you drink less and live more. I’ll teach you how to navigate our drinking obsessed culture without a buzz, how to sit with your emotions, when you’re lonely or angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, how to self soothe without a drink, and how to turn the decision to stop drinking from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life.

I am so glad you’re here. Now let’s get started.

I’m jumping in before the episode today because I wanted to let you know that if you haven’t checked out some of the free resources on my website, you are missing out on some great support that could be helping you on your journey to drink less and live more. If you go to HelloSomedayCoaching.com you can grab the free 30-day Guide to Quitting Drinking. Over 10,000 women have downloaded the guide and it is really comprehensive what to expect on day three and day five, what to shop for, how to get ready to quit drinking, what you might feel on day 16, tips and tricks and resources to tap into. You can just go to my website, enter your email address and it will be sent right to you. 

Also at HelloSomedayCoaching.com you can sign up for my completely free 60-minute masterclass, Five Secrets to Taking a Break from Drinking, even if you’ve tried and failed before. These are the mindset shifts that I go through with my private coaching clients when we first start working together. And if you’ve been stopping and starting with drinking, take 60 minutes out of your day to watch this, it will help. You can sign up for a time that works for you. And if you don’t end up being able to make that time a recording of this session will be sent to you. 

And if you’re ready to make this whole quitting drinking thing easier or take a longer break from alcohol, I want you to check out my signature online sober coaching course, The Sobriety Starter Kit. It will help you move from day five and day 10 to 45 and 60 to six months and beyond by building not only your sober foundation and sober muscles, but life skills that will serve you well for the rest of your life. If you want to learn more about it, just go to sobrietystarterkit.com. And now let’s jump into the episode.

Hi there. Today I’m going to share my diary of early sobriety from day 60 to day 100. I had already recorded two other episodes: first my diary of days one to 30, and then my diary of days 30 to 60. And I’ll put those both in the show notes. 

 

I’ve heard the feedback that listening to someone else’s experience, day by day, emotion by emotion, small detail by small detail makes you feel less alone, makes you feel more understood. And realize that for all of us who’ve had a final day one after weeks and months and years of trying and debating, and going back and forth, we’re just like you. No one magically decides to stop drinking after loving it, or drinking for a long time to numb negative emotions or heightened positive emotions and just stops. It just doesn’t happen. 

 

It’s day by day, putting one foot in front of the other, handling each situation where you would normally have a drink and doing it in a different way. It’s about managing boredom and anger, happiness and celebrations, dinner parties and date nights and concerts and nights when your spouse is away without drinking. And gradually, it gets easier, you feel stronger, more confident, the cravings get less intense and further apart. The voice that whispers to you that drinking is a good idea gets quieter. You develop new habits, new activities and new interests, you’re proud of yourself. You tell more people that you’re not drinking with more ease. It feels more normal and more natural. 

 

In this part of my diary, you’re going to hear my thoughts on the process. And I have to tell you that they’re real and unedited. They’re what I literally wrote to my coach in each email I sent her. So you’re gonna hear me venting about why joining a new sobriety group was triggering to me, and why I loved the BFB so much, which if you’ve listened to it, you know, is my favorite secret stop drinking Facebook group. And I have a guide on how to find it, which I’ll put in the show notes of this episode. And then you’ll hear my evolution of my opinion of the group. 

 

I hope you don’t take away from this diary or from what I wrote when I was 70 days sober, that one source of support is better than another or that I’m putting anyone down. Everyone just needs a different approach, a different source of support, and is in a different point in their journeys. One group isn’t better than another. It’s just what resonated with me in the same way, that for some reason, Gabby Bernstein isn’t my cup of tea, but other people adore her and so she strengthens their life. And instead I love Jensen Sarah, who wrote You’re a Badass, because she’s practical and motivating. And she swears and I find what she writes and says to connect with me. 

 

Take my diary for what it is: me feeling all the things processing my emotions, trying to keep my wolfie voice in check. Evaluating in real time my emotions around being alcohol free, and the fear of it and the hope of it, and the back and forth in my own mind, and yet continuing each day to move forward without slipping back into my old habits that had brought me down before. I hope you’ll hear something that helps you. In the show notes, I’ll put links to a few other episodes you might want to listen to as well, or episodes you might want to listen to before this one, a link to my diary of early sobriety from day one to day 30, and my diary of early sobriety from day 30 to day 60. 

 

I’ll also link to my interview with Belle Robertson from Tired of Thinking about Drinking, who was my sober coach and is the person on the other side of this diary, the person I was writing to. I brought her on my podcast years after I stopped drinking and we talked about the coach relationship, how she helped me. We reflected on where I was then and where I am now, and all of our tips for getting started in early sobriety and how to keep going. I’ll also link to my Sobriety Starter Kit course. In that course, it is much more in depth into my experience, the tools I use, what works for the women that I’ve coached, and my complete sober coaching framework. In it as a bonus, you’ll also find my full diary from day one to day 100. It has images and is 87 pages long and you can read it just like a book. 

 

So let’s go. Here’s my diary of early sobriety from day 60 through day 100 told through the emails I wrote my sober coach Belle from Tired of Thinking about Drinking. 

 

Day 60. Hey, Coach, it’s day 60 here and it was so nice to talk to you a few days ago. I had a pretty good weekend. We went over to a good friend’s house for dinner on Saturday, and I had a little panic attack when I saw the bottles of wine sitting by the outdoor dinner table. But I brought my own drinks and I poured them into a wine glass and I was fine. I vaguely wanted the wine that evening. But I knew I wasn’t going to have any and I feel good about driving my family home safely on a Saturday night with zero worries about if I’ve had one too many. 

 

On Sunday, it was a beautiful day, but also a long one of doing house and yard work and chasing my two year old around and keeping my almost eight year old on track. And I’ve been fighting a sinus infection for over a week, I was tired. By Sunday afternoon, I was over all the cleaning and laundry and dishes and the resentment and thoughts kicked in like they sometimes do. This is no fun, where’s the party, this is a lot of chores, I work all week, where’s my treat. I definitely used to drink wine as my treat or my personal party in my house. I would often open a bottle of wine at four or 5pm on a Sunday and finish it that night. But I didn’t have any wine in the house. And the feeling passed. 

 

The weekends are good, but long with stretches with the little kids and the chores. So they’re still hard. But instead of drinking, I started thinking about our trip to Venice and Croatia in June and all the little details we need to figure out if we’re taking the bus to the capital of Slovenia for two days, or renting a car or getting a driver. And I decided that my eight year old who’s coming on the trip needs a big boy backpack for his birthday, to hop on and off the buses and ferries and to walk to the train station in Venice. So that’s exciting. And there’s more research to be done on how to get to Slovenia from Trieste in Italy and where to stay there. 

 

I had my final assessment in my eight week session with my workout group. The assessment from the first session of the year started when I was on day four. I remember thinking when I was running my mile the next time I do this, I’ll be on day 60, I’ll feel so much better, it’s gonna get better. Well, today is Day 60. And I actually didn’t feel that much better this morning than I did on day four. But that’s because I’m still sick with my sinus infection and my cold. But I’ve lost 10 pounds in the eight weeks. I’m down 19 pounds since January 3, and I’ve gone 60 days without my wine. My eight minute and 34 second mile went down to eight minutes and one second. I feel proud of myself too. Because lots of times when I’ve been on day four, I’ve said to myself, hey, in two months, I’ll be on day x x x. And I haven’t followed through. But this time I did it. I followed through, actually at day 60. Not on day five or day 10. And that’s big. All right, back to work now. Thanks, Casey. 

 

Day 64. Hey, Coach, I’m having another hard day at work on day 64. It’s been a really long week, our sales numbers are down and it’s stressing me out. Plus, it means lots of last minute scrambling around and new projects to try to drive sales. Basically, we’re all running around like chickens with our heads cut off. I hate this stuff. I’ve been feeling kind of down all week and wishing that I had something fun or relaxing, or a treat for me, which in the past is when I would go to wine and lift me up or change my mood. I won’t do that now. But I’m recognizing the trigger and trying to figure out what else I can do to make myself feel better or just sit through this. I feel like crying. So maybe I’ll do that. And I’m tired. So I wish I could sleep. I’m also hungry, so maybe I’ll get myself a latte with hazelnut as an extra treat. I feel really emotionally spent. I’m thinking of going to pick up my daughter early and heading to my son’s baseball practice. But I can’t decide if hanging out with my kids now will make me feel better or worse. It kind of depends what mood they’re in. But I won’t drink. I signed up for a workout tomorrow morning. And I hope this feeling passes. It’s just been a few days now of feeling off and crappy. I hope you’re doing well. Casey. 

 

Hi, Coach day 65 started out with me literally slamming a car door into my face. Ouch. I have a huge bruise now. It was so ridiculous and random. I had my kids in the backseat of the car. My two-year-old was screaming and we were late for the school bus. So I opened my door really hard and fast while trying to talk to them and knock the hell out of my temple. I’ve been icing my bump at my desk all morning, but I had to share it with you since you always talk about drinking, being like slamming your hand in a car door. I’m a little nervous about this weekend. I have 12 eight year old boys coming over on Sunday for my son’s birthday party. And I’ve yet to figure out any activities to keep the kids entertained and it’s supposed to rain. My 10k is Sunday morning and I haven’t trained properly for it because I’ve been sick with a sinus infection for the last two weeks. I’m going to try not to overthink any of it. I can walk part of the 10k if I need to, my son will have his buddies ice cream and cake. And even if they don’t have amazing activities, it’s just three hours and it’ll be fine. I’ll try to breathe deeply and not get too anxious and keep the head slamming in the car doors to the bare minimum. And yes, I need more treats. I just need to figure out what they are. Happy Friday, Casey. 

 

Hi, coach. It’s Day 67. And I ran my 10k. I ran it alone slowly in the rain. And without anyone cheering me on. I say that not because I’m feeling badly about that. But rather because it wasn’t about anyone else. It was about finally doing what I said I was going to do without making excuses or bowing out or changing my mind. It was also about my approach to not drinking right now. It doesn’t matter if other folks drop out. It doesn’t matter if sometimes it sucks. It doesn’t matter if it’s raining, and I don’t feel like doing the shit anymore. I just do what I said I was going to do however slowly. I almost cried both at the start line and at the finish line. I was so emotional. It’s not like me to tear up. But I’m really proud of myself. And that’s a great feeling. Even if my phone died at 5.75 miles, and I had to do the last bit of the run with no music or tracking. Here’s the last screenshot I took of my progress on my phone before the battery died. And now I have an eighth birthday cake to pick up for my son and it’s pouring rain. First party. But you know what? That’s going to be okay too. Hugs, Casey. 

 

Hi, coach. It’s Monday morning and day 68 here. I was tired this morning after the 10k and Hank’s birthday party yesterday. It poured rain with 12 boys running all over the house for three hours. But they all had fun with Legos, string spider webs, Minecraft, Hide and Seek, cake, ice cream, trampoline time and kickball. My husband and I were exhausted but Hank had a great eighth birthday. I was happy about that. And happy not to be drinking. At Hank’s fifth birthday, I was pushing the most on everyone and drinking at noon. On his sixth birthday. I was three days away from giving birth. I don’t think I drank at his party on his seventh birthday. But I’m pretty sure I drank afterwards. So it just felt good to make the day good for him. And to do that run for myself and not have to drink my way through a kid’s birthday party or drink afterwards because looking back that’s really crazy. This week is busy. Thursday is bring your kid to work day so Hank’s coming to work with me. Lila’s second birthday is Wednesday. My husband is out Tuesday and Friday night with work, you know the usual stuff, but I’m feeling okay. Thanks, Casey. 

 

Day 69. Hi, Coach. Yesterday was going fine until I picked up my son and daughter who gave me a hard time leaving daycare. Running away, screaming, crying, you know life with a two year old. And then we had to drive the 1.5 miles down. Halfway up the hill, traffic was stopped dead because of an accident. And my daughter’s scream for 45 minutes straight, hysterically telling me to go. She was tired and hungry and done. And you know what? So was I. I warned my husband about the accident and told him to take a detour. And he went a different way and got home 30 minutes before us. I called him again when we were stuck for a while and told him what was for dinner, chicken and green beans, and asked him to start cooking. We were hungry and late and he could cook with no kids around. And when we finally got home, guess what? There he is relaxing with no dinner started and raw chicken in the fridge. I was so fucking annoyed and frustrated and hungry and flooded with adrenaline. I went upstairs for a few minutes, left Mike with the kids and let him start dinner. It’s sad to say that this is the exact type of thing the small daily aggravations that would previously just by opening a bottle of wine and drinking the whole thing in a night. Of course I would also drink wine when I was happy or bored or wanted to make life more fun. But feeling annoyed was a huge reason to drink. In any case, I didn’t drink last night. I just tolerated the feelings. I wasn’t even really tempted to drink, I was just super annoyed and mad. Anyway, tomorrow is day 70 and my daughter’s second birthday. My husband is out tonight. Good day.

 

Day 70. Today was busy but good. My daughter had a good second birthday. I’m headed to bed, Casey. 

 

Day 71. Hey coach, today was take your kid to work day. Here’s my guy. I took Hank to work and I was so proud to have him there. My biggest challenge is I just wanted to cuddle him and hold him and hold his hand during meetings. Now I’m at my baseball practice, and he hit a rocket and got all the way home. Love this kid. Casey. 

 

Day 72. Hi, coach. Today I wrote the note below to my gratitude group of 10 women that found each other through the BFA. Two of the women in the group have been almost alcohol free for a year. Two of the women in the group have almost a year alcohol free. And were posting that they were having drinking thoughts kind of reaching out for support. And also talking about supportive or non supportive husbands and how they felt coming up on their one year sober bursary. Below is what I wrote to them. And I thought I’d ask you about your thoughts and advice about me talking to my husband. He’s been supportive and proud of me. But so far, I’ve just told him I’m not drinking for 100 days. I feel like at some point, I need to tell them that after 100 days, I plan to keep going with not drinking. So my plan is to not drink on that trip to Venice and Croatia. And my hope is to not drink again. But every time I even think that or write that down, that my hope is to not drink again, it feels too big, and it raises more questions and insecurities and thoughts of drinking. So I think I’ll keep it small, first 100 days, then 180 days, then one year. I’m not going to drink today. But I also think it will be helpful if my husband knows my intention is not to drink tomorrow or the next week or next month. Or he just might buy me wine tasting tickets just because he thinks I would enjoy it for real and might just tell him that I’m going to keep being alcohol free for six months, which takes me to after my 41st birthday in mid August. What do you think? Advice welcome. Thanks, Casey. 

 

Here’s my note to my gratitude group today. 

J&B, congratulations on almost a year alcohol free. That is a huge accomplishment. And you both should be so proud of yourselves. It’s not easy. When I originally joined this gratitude group, I was still drinking. But I wanted to stop. I wanted to focus on more gratitude. But I wasn’t there yet. I felt a little funny posting because I was still drinking. And I was so impressed with both of you and your progress. Now I’m at 72 days and happy to have some sober momentum and I hope to keep going and get to where you guys are. 

 

I’m in a bit of a different spot from both of you because my husband knows I’ve stopped drinking. And he’s proud of me. But all I’ve told him is that I’m not drinking for 100 days. He doesn’t know that I signed up for belts challenge or listened to our audios or have talked to on the phone four times. He doesn’t know that I’ve signed up for hip sobriety school for eight weeks starting on Monday. He doesn’t know that my hope and my intention is to go long past 100 days and not drink again. We just haven’t discussed it. I think the reason I’m not telling him everything is that the last time I quit three years ago, I went to AA and decided that I had a problem with alcohol. He thought I needed to cut back but was being a bit dramatic about going to AA meetings. And after three months, I got pregnant and I went back to work and I wasn’t loving AA for me. It was too heavy handed, too intensive with the meetings, the sponsors, the rituals. I’m not religious, I don’t pray. I didn’t love the character defect stuff. So I stopped going and just focused on being healthy for my pregnancy. Once my daughter was born, I was only too happy that my husband let me almost without comment or mention go back to drinking. And I drank for 22 more months. 

 

B, if you want to take advice from someone who did it, meaning I had a year of sobriety I had a baby and went back to drinking and took a long time to quit again, I’d say save yourself the angst. It was definitely not worth it. Nothing bad happened. But the obsession and the wanting more and the drinking too much and the waking up feeling like shit every single day, that came back right away. Once you drink, it’s really hard to get a new day one to stick. It’s just a recipe for anxiety and a fearful approach to life, instead of a joyful one. Deciding to drink again just leads you to not feeling proud of yourself, knowing that drinking is a problem for you, and eventually will lead you and your family and your kids to a bad place, and the craziness of knowing all of that, and then drinking anyway. I don’t know if that makes any sense. But keep going. You guys are doing great. 

 

I’m thinking I need to talk to my husband at some point, if only to tell him that I’m continuing this not drinking thing past 100 days. And for the future. He’s the guy who leaves an open beer bottle on the kitchen table and then forgets about it for two hours while he plays on his iPad or watches something on the couch. But the fact he’s enormous means he also doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand that I always want more. If I have a glass of wine, I want to finish a bottle. He doesn’t understand that it’s sort of mentally tortures me that I see my drinking as a progressive problem I need to nip in the bud. And the fact he doesn’t get it means he still suggests breweries for our date nights. Or right before I stopped drinking, he suggested I become a wine club member of my favorite winery so I could quote, buy cases of wine at a time instead of three bottles twice a week. I can’t believe he can say that and not think god, this is a lot of fucking wine. I’m glad that I have this group who understands.

 

Casey McGuire Davidson  16:13

Hi there. If you’re listening to this episode, and have been trying to take a break from drinking, but keep starting and stopping and starting again, I want to invite you to take a look at my on demand coaching course, the sobriety starter kit.

The sobriety starter kit is an online self study sober coaching course that will help you quit drinking and build a life you love without alcohol without white knuckling it or hating the process. The course includes the exact step by step coaching framework I work through with my private coaching clients, but at a much more affordable price than one on one coaching. And the sobriety starter kit is ready, waiting and available to support you anytime you need it. And when it fits into your schedule. You don’t need to work your life around group meetings or classes at a specific day or time.

This course is not a 30 day challenge, or a one day at a time approach. Instead, it’s a step by step formula for changing your relationship with alcohol. The course will help you turn the decision to stop drinking, from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life.

You will sleep better and have more energy, you’ll look better and feel better. You’ll have more patience and less anxiety. And with my approach, you won’t feel deprived or isolated in the process. So if you’re interested in learning more about all the details, please go to www.sobrietystarterkit.com. You can start at any time and I would love to see you in the course 

 

Day 73 Hi Coach. It’s Saturday. My husband had a work event Friday night and two away baseball games today. He got home last night around 9:30 at night, right when I was just getting both kids to bed and had totally planned to climb into bed and watch a show on TV. The house was a mess and we had a ton of unfolded laundry but I was just too tired to deal with any of that. And I wanted some relaxing time for myself. We talked for a few minutes. We have a date night tonight, the first one in a month and are planning on dinner and then a coffee shop with travel books to plan out our travel from Italy to Slovenia. So we chatted about that and a few Airbnb places I had sent him to check out. I got up this morning early to go to the running club and he had folded all the laundry that was still in the dryer. That was amazing to me and a happy surprise that while I went to bed he did something really nice to help because he could have just as easily ignored it. And that would have been totally true testified that he just wanted to sit down and watch TV after working on a Friday night. But he didn’t. Then I got back from running. And he and Hank had cleaned the house and we’re making waffles. It’s the small stuff. But it meant a lot to me, especially before he was about to be gone for seven hours and hide the kids and Hank’s baseball game and all of that. I’m looking forward to our date tonight. I’m a little apprehensive about what to order to drink with my dinner, but not too much. I’m thinking of asking that we go to this small Italian place since we’re planning a trip to Italy. And I can’t think of what to order there other than water and wine. But it’ll be good practice since we’re going to Italy in two months, and I’ll need to figure out what to order there. Right. Happy Saturday, Casey.

 

Day 75 and our call. Hi Coach, checking in as I’m about to head to bed. I took a bike ride at the end of work today to see my husband coach a baseball game at the park nearby and I was smiling from ear to ear. We ate dinner outside on the deck. After I got the kids to bed. I prepped dinner for tomorrow night and then picked up my guitar for the first time in a year. I am in such a different place than where I was in November and December. It was a good day. And it was really good to chat with you. Hugs, Casey. 

 

Hi, coach. I’m running late to pick up the kids but I didn’t want to miss my daily email. It’s Day 76. And here’s what I have coming up. I have a new recipe to make tonight. I’m going to keep my promise to play guitar for 10 minutes each night this week. I’m gonna get a good workout in tomorrow morning. I’m telling Wolfie to stay away. Just being busy with regular life feels pretty good. Casey.

 

Day 77. Hi, coach. I’ve been listening to your podcasts a lot on walks when I take a break from work. And while rocking Laila to sleep at night. They helped me a lot and have given me something to think about. Your ranting ones made me laugh today only in part because my grandmother told me when I was a kid that the game Bullshit was called I Doubt It. Headed to bed today on day 77. Good night. 

 

Day 78. Hi, Coach, how are you? I was listening to one of your audios of the woman on day 11 last night, and it really touched me. I remember our call when I was in my first two weeks, I think it was day 16. And I remember how that felt. You said to me, you sound like you’re taking all of these changes really well. How are you? So open help and suggestions. And I think I said something like I’m a joiner. I followed directions. Well, I like to be on teams. It’s my personality, all true. And I think I said also, this isn’t my first go with this stopping sobriety not drinking. That was also very true. I stopped drinking and I went to AA and I was active on the BFB for a year. And then I went back to drinking. But this last 18 months was the first time that I was actively drinking and not in denial about what I was doing. I knew the whole time I was drinking, I knew alcohol was a problem for me. I knew it was a slippery slope. I knew I would have to stop drinking eventually. And I was drinking in a way that it was unsustainable. And I also knew that no matter how many legitimate issues, quote, unquote, I had in my life, the fact that I was drinking was making all of them worse. Yes, my husband could help more. Yes, I had anxiety. Yes, my job was stressful, and changing and I just got a new boss. And yes, being a mom to a toddler is hard. And I get no sleep. But I knew that all of that was made worse by my drinking. And the first step to solving any of those problems was I had to stop drinking again. 

 

I feel like I’m so early in sobriety again. But I forgot what it was like to literally not know how to stop. What to say, what to drink, how to tell my husband how to attend a dinner date. The funny thing is, I’ve been telling everyone at work in my workout group, everyone that I’m doing the 100 days of no drinking as a health kick. And my boss told me yesterday that she’s doing it now for 30 days after watching me and talking to her personal trainer. She decided to do a 30 day alcohol break because she’s not hitting her weight loss goals. She told me that she’s on quote unquote, day four that cracked me up. I’m down 22 pounds since January 1, and it feels good. It’s a combination of the big one. Not drinking a bottle of wine at night, seven nights a week. But also working out four days a week, eating healthy, tracking my food, all of that shit. I think it’s funny that she said my weight loss inspired her to cut out wine for 30 days, if only she knew everything that was behind it. 

 

That said, I’m starting this hip sobriety school today, to add one more tool to my toolbox. It’s an eight week class where they go into, I think, the science of addiction with speakers and meditation and yoga stuff. I never do meditation and yoga. So we’ll see how I take to it. It’s one of those things that I always think I should do. But it always feels like work. I want to add as many tools as I can to my toolbox where I don’t go back to drinking. You may remember that I did this thing once before for a year, quitting drinking, but I was romancing the drink the entire time. And I went back to it. And I don’t want to do that again. I know alcohol is a problem for me. I know I’m on the quote unquote, spectrum. I feel so much better now than when I was drinking. But I know that wine calls to me. I want to keep going forward in sobriety. Honestly, I’m pretty scared of going back. 

 

Here’s the funny thing about hip sobriety school. They opened up this Facebook group for the class. And there are so many people in such deep despair, and flailing and drinking and in victimhood and angst, and I’m really not judging them. But I was surprised. And I was thinking, do they really not know? Do they not know that alcohol is the problem, not the solution to the problem, that all this stuff they’re upset about might be bad. But removing alcohol will likely make 70% a bit better. Their marriage, their anxiety, their boss, their kids, their stress, their depression. Do they really not have any idea how to get started? 

 

And then I felt so grateful. I realized, I’m grateful not to be in the drinking cycle anymore, even if I’m only 78 days out of it. And grateful to have had the BFB for the last three years to show me the way, even when I didn’t want to jump in. Even when I was still drinking, even when I stopped being sober, and went back to alcohol. I knew the BFB was there. I knew I could reach out for help. I even knew what I needed to do to stop drinking, even when I wasn’t ready. Even when Wolfie was convincing me that I could drink for one more night or one more month or one more year. I’m grateful for you for your 100 day challenge for your coaching and your emails and your calls. I’m grateful that your messages resonate with me. I’m grateful that I pulled the trigger and signed up 78 days ago, and actually stopped drinking. I’m grateful there are so many active folks on the BFB with two or three years or more of sobriety, who are still jumping in and helping people in the early days. In hip sobriety school, they have a group of returning students who they call elders. And they’re supposed to give us advice. But a whole bunch of them have fewer days of sobriety than I have. Or they say I’ve only drank 20 days out of the last 120, or I slipped yesterday but I’m moving forward, which is totally fine. But I’d rather take my inspiration from someone who has two or three years alcohol free. 

 

So the first mantra of day one of the hip sobriety school is this: Trust the evolution of your life. We’re supposed to repeat it over and over. And I’m thinking what the fuck, that means nothing to me. That doesn’t inspire me. It feels very ethereal and kind of random. I remember in your first audio, you said, that backpack of rocks you’ve been carrying around, you’re going to put down and no one wants to stop drinking. You just want to feel better. And I’m telling you that by stopping drinking, you’re going to feel better. I know you don’t believe me, but you will. Those two messages I’ve repeated over and over to myself. 

 

Anyway, I’m definitely going to try to be as open as possible to hip sobriety school and see what I can get out of it. Folks say look for similarities and take what you want and leave the rest. I got a lot out of AA even if I decided it wasn’t for me in the long term. But it did make me grateful for all the tools I have that are working. And I do wish that everyone else had them too, because it is painful to see folks in such a bad place. And it’s a reminder to go forward, not go back. Because I know Wolfie messes with your head and your confidence, your mind and your mental health. Love, Casey.

 

Day 79 and the letter to myself for eight weeks from now. Hey coach, I had an assignment to write a letter to myself for July 3, 2016 as part of the hip sobriety school thing I signed up for. Since a big part of the letter was about writing to you and listening to you, I thought I’d send it to you as my daily check in if I hadn’t said it. Thank you for being out there. Thank you for offering this challenge in this class. Thank you for your coaching. So yeah, thanks, Casey. 

 

A letter to myself for July 3, 2016. 

Today’s Friday night, May 6 2016. Hank is away at his first overnight sleepover where the eight year old boys are watching movies and sleeping in the living room. Mike is away at Bremerton coaching baseball at the tri district tournament tomorrow. I just got Lila to sleep. It’s 8:30 on a Friday night. And I realized this time is a gift to reflect on where I am right now, how far I’ve come in the last 79 days, and where I hope to be in the future. And specifically, on July 3, this is an assignment for the hip sobriety school class. It’s an eight week class that I joined to add to my non drinking toolbox. And hopefully give me more foundational knowledge and introspection, tools and community. So I can continue on the path I started 79 days ago. And I don’t ever go back to where I was, and how I felt at the end of last year. I want to keep moving forward in a positive, optimistic and healthy direction in my life. And I know that alcohol is something I just can’t fuck with. 

 

Here’s what I’m gonna say to myself every day. I don’t fuck with alcohol anymore. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. No thanks. It lights in my brain. For me, wine really is an obsession of the mind and a craving of the body. One is never enough, it leads me to a bad place. It leads me to a place of approaching life from fear and anxiety of waking up at 3am or 5am with my body tingling and feeling so much fear and sadness. I am deeply unhappy after I drank. I’m deeply insecure and anxious about my future, my relationships, my work, my health, my family, all of it. It leaves me so very tired. And with no emotional reserves or goodwill to handle changes, every new request that comes out of me feels like the straw that will break me. I make no forward progress in my life. I have adult aid behind my eyes. My eyes are bloodshot and look yellow. I fear that I’m truly doing something horrible to my body. And I’ll get sick from something I can’t recover from. And I will have done it to myself. I spend all day every day recovering when I drink. When I drink, I’m literally living in recovery. Every single day from my own drinking. I don’t sleep well, I’m defensive, I feel guilty. I feel ashamed. I don’t want people to look too closely at me. My eyes are glassy and watery. I feel preoccupied. I feel annoyed. I want more and more and more. It’s never enough. I don’t feel proud of myself. And I know it’s a problem. I know it’s a slippery slope. I fear that it will lead me to truly screwing up what I love the most in this world. My family, my kids, my marriage, my own happiness, my own life. 

 

So I woke up 79 days ago at 3am tingling after drinking a bottle of wine, which was pretty standard on a Wednesday night watching Survivor and The Good Wife and whatever. And I said for the millionth time, but really the second time it’s stuck, I can’t do this to myself anymore. This has to stop. This shit is dangerous. I was reading the BFB and someone was talking about the Tired of Thinking about Drinking 100 Day Challenge with you. And that morning at 10am at work on a Thursday, I emailed Bell. I signed up for a 100 day challenge with 100 audios and paid for it before I could talk myself out of it. And I waited for the first email and the first audio. And it was literally the kindest thing I’ve ever done for myself. It was the best thing I’ve ever done. I had stopped drinking once before three years ago, and I went to AA but it didn’t speak to me. Some parts did, but not the whole philosophy and ritual and sponsor setup, and big book study. But Bell said in our audio was, that backpack of rocks you’ve been carrying around, you’re gonna put down. And I feel like she’s been holding my hand for the last 79 days. Through her voice and her audios and our emails and our responses to my emails, I put down that backpack of rocks. In one of her first audios, she says nobody wants to stop drinking, they just want to feel better. And if you’re listening to me, trust me, when I tell you, if you stop drinking, you will feel better. And I knew she was right. And I do feel better. 

 

And I’m taking this hip sobriety school class, and keeping on with Bell and her audios and calls with her every two weeks and emailing her every day. Because I never ever want to pick up that backpack of rocks again. And I’m afraid I will. I’m afraid if I do, I won’t be able to stop again. So I’m going to work like hell to not do that. I can’t fuck with alcohol, so I won’t. It’s not a game for me. It’s something that I have to leave in my past. So when I hear Wolfie calling to me and talking about a glass of wine or going on vacation or making new friends, I’m gonna say not today. We’ll see. And I’m going to recognize that that voice is Wolfie. It’s not me. It’s an addictive voice in my head, and it’s flying to me. And the longer I don’t drink, the quieter that voice is going to be. Drinking lights in my brain. If I have a drink, I wake up wolfie and the obsession and the craving will return. We crave what we consume. 

 

So for 79 days, I have not consumed alcohol. But I have consumed a lot of pink grapefruit sparkling water and lots of lattes and a bunch of green tea and a few milkshakes. Last Saturday night, Mike was late coming back from a baseball game and the babysitter arrived an hour before Mike got home. And I was folding laundry with Lila upstairs at 6:15. And I wasn’t pissed, I wasn’t anxious. I wasn’t desperately waiting for a moment to pass so I could get a drink or go on a date or get away from my kids duties. Because I wasn’t going to drink that night anyway, I was looking forward to a good meal on a date with my husband. But I was fine waiting because I was going to have that whenever it actually happened. 80 days before I would have had two glasses of wine before the babysitter showed up and then been annoyed that Mike was late. And that that meant my night out was delayed, and then drank at the restaurant and wanted more, but was worried about who would drive home. So I would come home and drink a few more glasses. And then I would have felt like shit on Sunday, and been so tired and yet ready to start drinking again once the hour was acceptable, but I didn’t do that. And I had enough distance from my last drink. That realizing I was okay with folding laundry and drinking pink grapefruit sparkling water at 6:15 on a Saturday night. It was almost an afterthought of an observation, which is crazy. I’m not going to drink today or this weekend or next week. I am not going to let will feed back in and wake him up. Because even if a day sucks, and day 16 sucked and I’m sure day 42 sucked and maybe day 66 suck. But as long as I don’t drink, I trust that day 17 and day 43 and day 67 will be better. And if I do drink I know those days are going to be a hell of a lot worse. 

 

So here I sit on day 79 and I feel so much better. I feel proud of myself. I feel optimistic about my future. I feel more peaceful. I feel happier and more able to deal with work and life and anxiety. I feel like my relationship with Mike is better. I feel healthier. I feel like I’ve been a better mother to Hank and Lila. I feel like I’m able to keep a straight pot in my head. Despite still making endless lists about conference calls and Teacher Appreciation Day gifts, birthday presents, baseball picture day and game schedules and everything else in life. I feel like I’ve been kinder to myself because I’m not hating myself for being hungover or drinking too much again. And it’s easier to give myself a break when I’m just human. And I forget something, or I need a rest or make a mistake. I’m down 22 pounds since January 1, and I haven’t woken up with a hangover in 79 days. I have rocked Laila to sleep sober for 79 days, give or take a date night or two. Sure, sometimes I’m bored or annoyed or frustrated or wanted to celebrate. And I’ve definitely heard wolfie calling for a glass or bottle of wine saying, Are you really never going to drink at that new brew pub again? But I haven’t listened to that voice and have eaten something or gone to bed or woken up early to work out, which feels better. I’ve gone for a walk, I’ve taken a moment for myself before jumping in with the kids. Sometimes I’ve cried. But the next day, I’m still proud of myself. Sometimes I find myself walking into work and smiling. I have random moments where I’ve thought to myself, I want what I have. And I’m happy. 

 

So this letter is supposed to be to myself eight weeks from now, on July 3, to tell myself what I hope and dream for myself or where I’ll be then let’s start with the basics. I will be sober. On July 3, I will not have drank since I started this journey on February 18. It’ll be day 137. And that will be a huge accomplishment. And I will be proud of myself, immensely proud of myself for that. On July 3, I’ll be traveling from Croatia to Italy with Mike, Hank, my mom, Sarah, Mark, and the kids. I will be sober on that trip to Venice. And I’ll feel great. I’ll be tempted. But I won’t drink, I will take a million photographs, I will take long walks with Hank and like, I’ll sleep really well and wake up early and look good and feel good about myself. I’ll remember everything. I won’t need a long nap after a bottle of wine at 2pm. I won’t say or do things that I don’t remember. I’ll feel totally aware. So I can make sure I’m responsible for Hank and myself the whole trip, I won’t drink too much dinner at a restaurant in a new town, and hope to get home with Hank and Mike leading the way. I’ll swim in the ocean. And I’ll sunbathe and I’ll go out on great adventures. Maybe there will be a scooter to ride in Rovinj, I don’t know, I’ll actually take advantage of the chance to spend real time with my cousins and my mom and sister and family and have real conversations with them. And with Mike and Hank, I’ll eat whatever looks good, because fuck it, I’m not drinking. And if I get stressed or annoyed or triggered, I will listen to a podcast or an audio or go for a walk or eat an ice cream, or go to bed or cry or walk away. But I won’t drink. 

 

I’ll do this in steps. First, I’ll make it to 100 days and sign up for the 180 Day Challenge. I will make it today 130 When we fly to Venice, and then I’ll enjoy and not drink on our trip to Venice, Croatia and Slovenia. And then when I come back, I’ll continue to 180 days. And that will take me to just after my 41st birthday in August. And when I hit that, I’ll sign up for the one year challenge. And every time I walk away from a trigger or a temptation, I’ll get stronger, and it will get easier. And my mind will be clearer and I will be happier. So for the next eight weeks, I’ll continue to take care of myself. I’ll email my coach, I have a call with her on day 93 and day 100. And I have two more calls to schedule after that. I will try to be open to hip sobriety school and what I might learn in this class and with these ideas and activities. writing this letter was a good thing to do. And one I wouldn’t have made time for otherwise, I would be doing the dishes and the laundry and watching Netflix. I’ll try the mantras. I’ll listen to the lessons. I will try to meditate and we’ll try Kundalini yoga. Even though I feel fucking ridiculous. I’m excited to learn more about the science of addiction. I hope to learn enough to see alcohol is something I don’t want in my life anymore. I feel like I’m starting down that path, but I’m not there yet. And on July 3, I’ll be proud of myself. And I’m proud of myself now. Love me. 

 

Day 80 and a picture for your yellow photo project. I coach. It was a busy, kid filled day. My husband is away. Coaching is good most of the day, but the end was hard. My daughter was tired. My son was tired. The house was a mess. Oh, well. I’m taking some time right now to ground myself and regroup. I got a pretty new chandelier for our bedroom and we painted the room bright light. My new bedroom is making me happy. I’m making it my sober happy retreat with lots of light, a big cozy bed and a chair to play guitar. Happy Saturday. 

 

Hi, coach, day 82 here and I’m checking in ahead of date night last night with my husband. Is it funny that these date nights make me nervous? The babysitter asked if we wanted her to sit on Saturday, she was previously not sure she could make it. And that was torn between the idea of time off from the kids versus a date night. I didn’t know if a date night would be a challenge and temptation or if it would be a good self care move. I decided to take the night off and said yes to her sitting and then kind of struggled to think of what we would do for our date. It used to be so easy. Drinking was both an activity and entertainment, you know, we would go bar hopping and get a drink and some food at five different places. Or we would go to the wine tasting room, set the way or listen to music at a bar or winery. So after struggling to think of an idea for a bit, I thought of one. There’s this Chinese foot massage place I really like, don’t ask. It’s awesome. And there’s a bookstore nearby. We need a tour book of Venice and a sushi restaurant. And I propose that and we were off. 

 

We got there and the whole mall complex whatever it was shut down. They’re putting up new fancy condos with retail below. And yes, I am a little devastated by the disappearance of my Chinese foot massage place. So then we were scrambling again, and we parked and we were walking around. And my husband is like, we could get a glass of wine. Are you fucking kidding me? On day 82. And then I look at him. I give him a look. And he says no glass of wine, right? I guess he remembered. So we found another sushi place and sat at the bar and I had green tea. That was good. We talked and had good food. And then I suggested we go to a coffee shop and have hot chocolate and look up travel stuff for Venice with kids on our phone. And we got home to our babysitter by 8:30. It wasn’t very eventful, but it was nice to have the night out. I wish it didn’t feel like a date night was angst inducing. You know, I’m glad I got a night off because my husband’s out Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday and all day Saturday with a combination of work events and playoff baseball coaching games. So it’ll be a long week with work and the kids. But I had a nice Mother’s Day. It was relaxing. And I got to sleep in a bit and then the kids and Mike came up with coffee and cuddles. Oh, and for my workout group. We’re supposed to pick a goal each week. And this week. My goal is to go to bed at 10:30 since I wake up so early three times a week to work out and I’m always tired and I’m tired of being tired email. I hope you’re doing well. I saw your note about enjoying the sunshine this weekend. I’m glad you had nice fun, Casey. 

 

Day 83. Hey, Coach, I’m just about to run out of work and get my kids. It was a busy day today. But I was in a pretty good mood. I got eight hours to sleep last night for the first time in four ever. It felt good. I definitely need to keep going to bed earlier. I had a dentist appointment this morning and it was fine. But they had Sunset Magazine and Coastal Living magazine that I wanted to read from cover to cover and they called my name. I may need to subscribe to them as soap retreats. They seem to have lots of good places to visit and things I could do. And I need to brainstorm more ideas and have sobered ventures and projects and dates. So those magazines seemed like a good start. In any case, I’m late and have a few more emails to send but I didn’t want to miss my check in. Casey. 

 

Day 84. Hey, Coach, I just listened to the best interview podcast on sense right now with Christy Coulter and she talked about you. I’m sure folks have already told you about it. If not you should look it up and listen to it. I related to her story. So much and just love the fact that she’s here in Seattle, working in tech, and I’m excited to follow her blog. You totally help so many people. I feel like I’m starting to get a cold. So I’m going to tuck in with a cup of tea and go to bed early. Trucking along, Casey. 

 

Day 85 Part One. Hey, Coach, Today is Day 85 and I’m fighting a cold and I slept terribly last night. I wish I could go home and crawl into bed but work is crazy. The head folks from New York are out for a two day visit. So folks are running around and pulling numbers and PowerPoint presentations together like crazy. I’m getting done what I need to do, but very happy not to be in the actual meeting room. Does that make me unambitious? I realized that I’m very happy with the job to be done that I find interesting and can do it in a competent way. But big meetings and traveling presentations and promotion opportunities and big titles, they scare the shit out of me and give me major anxiety. Maybe later in life, or maybe later in sobriety. I’ll be up for it. But right now, I just want to keep my life a bit smaller and more manageable. And being the director of ecommerce, that’s big enough for me. That and I’m sick and I’m tired right now. I’m taking off at four to take my son to baseball practice in the sunshine. So long as no giant fire drills that work come up. I’ll listen to some sober podcasts as I watch and walk. 

 

I realized that I actually listen to at least an hour of sober podcasts every day and often more. I listen to your One Minute Messages on my drive to and from my workout on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If I go for a walk from work to get a latte and listen to coaching audios or podcasts, and I listen to them when I’m putting my daughter to bed at night. And that girl likes to be rocked to sleep for like 30 or 45 minutes. I don’t mind it. Most days, I just sit in the semi dark, reset myself, listen to audiobooks or podcasts, and emerge at 9pm ready to do the dishes and have tea and watch a show or go to bed. Life isn’t terribly exciting these days. But it isn’t tragic, or angst filled or manic either. It’s pretty happy and content, often filled with gratitude for my home and my husband and my kids. I don’t feel like it’s all a house of cards that’s about to come down all around me, which is what it used to feel like, but I am sick. And I wish I felt better. I’m just plugging along. Casey. 

 

Day 85 Part Two. Hey, Coach, I decided I need to write a second email today. Here’s the thing. You know, I started this hip sobriety school thing, right. And they have an online Facebook group. And I’m struggling with it a bit. And here’s why. With you, I feel like I’m doing this alone. But I trust you and listen to your voice. And I feel like it will all get better. I see folks with two or three years on the BFB and they have it together and are really helpful when someone new joins and reaches out and is struggling and needs help and feedback. Sometimes people on the BFB with eight months are struggling too and everyone reaches out to help them stay the course. In the hip sobriety Facebook group, there are a lot of people who are just starting out like the whole fucking group. And it seems like if someone has four months, they’re considered super veteran. I’m seeing lots of posts from people talking about blacking out all weekend, or drinking two martinis last night but doing better or drinking all weekend with their best friend but starting again, or drinking the last five out of five days. And it’s bothering me. I mean, my husband and my friends drink. But I haven’t been out with my friends that much. And my husband drinks one or two beers a night. I know he doesn’t have sort of a quote unquote problem. But somehow all these folks in this hip sobriety school Facebook group who are supposed to not be drinking, right, that’s why they’re there, or boozing it up and it’s totally bothering me. 

 

For example, here’s an exchange I had with someone who had drank, and then I offered support and was sort of trying to justify why drinking isn’t a problem for them. She said Casey, so the feel better part, I guess she means feel better when she stopped drinking is part of where I deviate from the storyline. I did the ideal protein diet last spring and changed all my drinking habits. I switched from beer and wine to Tito’s vodka with soda water and either lime or new tablets. Because it’s much cleaner and better for you This means that I never got a hangover either. And I could actually still lose weight while drinking, so long as I stick to the diet. So really, alcohol doesn’t impede my life at all in any way right now, I would still wake up exhausted anyway, because my kids never let me freaking sleep through the night. I mean, I know I’d get better sleep without the interference of alcohol. So there’s definitely some excuse making here. But since I’m not an actual mess, it’s making it easier for me to go do I really need to do this. My big thing is that I don’t like feeling dependent on this thing that I know is bad for me, I would feel the same way. If I ate a plate of brownies every night, or smoked a pack of cigarettes, I just don’t want to be dependent, or so drawn to alcohol. And as Holly says, I want a life that I don’t want to escape from with two crazy children under six in a stressful job, it means that I’ll have to work extra hard to change this habit and replace it with other things that are possibly more time consuming or harder to fit in. But ultimately, I know that my health will be saved if I can make this change and lessen the pull of alcohol. 

 

Okay, her post seems to me like a river of denial. Really, drinking is not impacting your life negatively in any way. Because you only drink quote unquote, clean vodka, so you don’t get a hangover. Really, you joined hip sobriety school and paid money, not because you have an issue with alcohol per se, but because you would feel this way about anything. But whatever, right? I need to keep my eyes on my own paper about why I’m doing this about my life and my family and how much better I feel not drinking. But it’s so annoying to me that I’m looking to this group to solidify my sobriety. And instead, it’s making me crazy to see all these folks who signed up to not drink, boozing it up and then justifying it to me. The good news is I’m finding the BFB super helpful. And I joined a smaller group called penguin pajama party. That’s just a bunch of women from the BFB, who I really like and admire, and actually are all pretty far along in their sobriety. And they’re doing a 30 day photo challenge. There’s a theme each day to the picture posts like homemade, or different or dream, bumpy, loud morning are parallel lines. And I love pictures. And I love daily challenges. So I’ll put some of the pictures I posted in the group below. It’s fun, and I like that it’s not about sobriety. And it’s not about not drinking, but everyone in the group doesn’t drink. I guess that’s what’s bothering me about hip sobriety. Lots of people don’t really seem to be actually trying not to drink. Like, I drank two martinis last night but I meditated this morning and so I’m doing better. And I’m like, Yeah, not really. But I know I’ve been there. And I guess I’ve used every denial in the book. I guess I’m annoyed because I was expecting these folks to be better or further along than me, and give me guidance and support. And instead it kind of feels like the blind leading the blind. 

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share because of this wolfies messing with my head. He’s like, see, all these people are supposed to have stopped drinking too. But they’re drinking. You’re the only one sitting around not drinking on Friday and Saturday. And who are we kidding? Sunday and Monday nights. Maybe you just need to try Tito’s vodka. Maybe that’s the answer and then he won’t get a hangover. Shut the fuck up Wolfie, I feel better not drinking. I’m down 24 pounds. I feel content and proud of myself and being a good mom. Shut up. Sigh, Casey. 

PS here’s some pictures from my daily PS here’s some pictures from my daily photo challenge. 

 

Day 86. Hi, coach. Thanks for emailing me and reminding me that I need to choose carefully my sources of sober support. I think what annoys me is that I have lots of friends who drink but those guys I have actual relationships with like actual friendships and history. I joined this new group and paid money to make friends with people who are on an alcohol free path. I don’t want to make new friends through some variety support for them and see them drinking or have to justify why drinking is just fine or no big deal. It’s just super unhelpful. I’ve been there. And I’ve done that. And I don’t need someone suggesting to me that drinking vodka is better than wine because you can still lose weight, what the fuck, they are also creating smaller subgroups on hip sobriety. And I’m going to write the moderator to be asked to be in a group of people who are actually doing this, or thing or are trying seriously to and have the full intention of not drinking versus folks who are trying to moderate or still actively drinking. I mean, I used to be in that place, and I’m not anymore, I want to leave it behind and have a sober life without drinking, period. And I’d like to be in a group with other people with that same goal, and that same intention. And the good news is I have you for sober support, and the awesome people on the BFB. I have lots of support. But I’m going to be more selective about what I take from where I can’t have that shit messing with my peace of mind. I am not planning on relapsing this time. No, thank you. And the stories of drunken binges or dinners out with wine or multiple relapses, or moderation management, those aren’t helpful to me. 

 

Okay. Other than that, I’m on day 86. It’s Friday and my husband is out tonight and tomorrow. I’m thinking of grabbing a smoothie at the gym as a sober treat. Before I pick up my kids, I need to do a bit more of our Europe planning this weekend. And plant tomatoes and bell peppers and pull beans. I’m going to get my backpack fixed this weekend and hopefully buy a new backpack for my son on this trip. I’m gonna go to bed early and catch up on my sleep. I hope you’re having a good weekend. Thank you for your support. Casey. 

 

Day 88. Hi, coach. My plan for Friday afternoon was perfect. I went to the gym, got a smoothie, sat in their nice air conditioned lobby and relaxation area, listened to podcasts before I picked up my kids. It’s late Friday afternoon. It was really nice. I didn’t even attempt to pretend that I was going to work out. I may do it again. Casey. 

 

90 days. Hey, Coach. 90 days today, it feels pretty good. I am definitely still taking it day by day. And just concentrating on staying on the right course. Today, this weekend, next week. Because when I start thinking of not drinking too far out, like forever or a year wolfie definitely starts going in my head. On Sunday, I talked to my best friend from high school and my best friend now, we just don’t see each other that often with life and work and kids. Months ago, she got us tickets to our favorite singer from high school. Okay, it was Billy Joel. No judgment. When we were 15, we loved Billy, especially it’s really old stuff like glass houses and stranger and innocent man. Anyway, the concert is this Friday. I know I don’t want to drink and I’m not going to drink. So I said, I’ll pick you up, I’m not drinking these days. We can go to dinner, see the concert downtown, and then I’ll drive you home. When I was drinking, I would have been figuring out if I can get an Uber all the way downtown from my house and back which is like 40, 45 minutes away with evening traffic. I would have been nervous about getting a ride, but also not wanting to drive or trying to just have two to three drinks early. And then I would feel nervous about driving home. This is so much easier. 

 

So today I’m at 90 days. On Friday, I will go to a great concert with my best friend and I’m going to remember all of it and drive home safely. On Saturday. I’ll get up early and take my kids to support my husband’s team in the state tournament with no hangover. And on Saturday, I’m doing a wanderlust triathlon. It’s a 5k yoga and it’s a 5k yoga and meditation and hula hooping. Who knows? I’m doing it with another good friend of mine that I haven’t seen in months. She got diagnosed with brain cancer four years ago when she was six months pregnant, and had two brain surgeries, chemo and radiation in the last four years, along with raising the cutest little boy. We were roommates right out of college in DC when we were 22 and that feels like ages ago. We’re going to walk the 5k together, hang out, talk and reflect. And I told her yesterday that I stopped drinking again. 

 

It activated Wolfie a bit to put it out there to my two good friends that I quit again, because they know I stopped originally three years ago and went to AA and then they knew when I went back to drinking, I feel like telling them I’m not drinking. It’s harder. But they’ll definitely read more into it than folks at work or my morning bootcamp group where I’m like, I’m not drinking and I’m losing weight. They know the history. You know, they know when I say I stopped drinking again, the subtext that I have a problem with alcohol. They’ve seen me drink. They’ve seen me, quote, unquote, fall asleep. They’ve seen me slur. They’ve seen me hungover. I haven’t even told my mom or my sister or Mike’s mom that I stopped drinking 90 days ago, telling them made my wolfie voice go a bit active, saying, Why did you tell them? Now it’d be harder to drink in the future. Now they know you’ve stopped twice, which, of course, is part of the point of telling them. But in any case, 90 days feels good. I’m proud of myself. I look so much better than I did 90 days ago. I feel like I’ve been so much better mom and wife in the last 90 days, I’ve been more emotionally stable. I’ve been kinder to myself, and I’m taking better care of myself. As a sober treat. We had the lady come who does chair massages and my work today, and I got a 20 minute massage. Talk to you Friday, Casey. 

 

Hey, Coach, day 92 here. I posted this below in the BFB group today. 

Hey, everyone. I spent the drive in this morning listening to this audiobook, which I got two days ago. It’s so far very similar in the best possible way to a lot of our audience I listened to and loved as part of her sober jumpstart class, I found the class and the audios to have been incredibly positive and helpful in just helping me wrap my mind around all the reasons why I want to stop drinking. And in helping me just start and get a data stick. I’m still a total newbie very happily now on day 92 and not looking back. So I thought I’d share a link to her audiobook. I find listening to her voice very reassuring and helpful. I listen while I go for a walk or get a coffee, rocking my daughter to sleep or on the sidelines of my son’s baseball practices, or while driving into work. I’ve said to myself these last three months, many times that signing up for her coaching was one of the kindest things I’ve done for myself in recent memory, and some of the best money I’ve ever spent. And of course, in just three months, I’ve saved way more than I spent on the class, and just not buying wine and ingesting all of that. I thought maybe other folks would find inspiration in your audio book too. And it would help them make the change. It’s so hard to get started. Thank you for doing what you do. 

 

Day 93. Hey, Coach. I’ve been looking in grocery stores for Coastal Living and Sunset Magazine since a week ago. And I can’t find them for some reason. So I just went online and subscribed. Boom. So retreats. They make me happy. I also got two new novels on Kindle to read on our trip for Italy or on my day off. I need some light enjoyment other than my not drinking reading gets a bit heavy. And now a nice novel and pretty magazine sound good. Happy weekend, Casey. 

 

Day 94. Hey, Coach reporting back on the concert last night. Our call was really good for sentry knee yesterday, and I was so excited for the concert, but also nervous about it. Crazy, I know. In the past three months of not drinking, I’ve kind of kept my life pretty small. A few date nights out with my husband, lots of morning workouts, gardening, hanging out with my kids, go into baseball stuff, work in the online support. It’s been very calm and peaceful but I haven’t confronted that many events or challenges. So last night, I went to the concert with my best friends since I was 15. She’s a total Normie but knows all of my history. So I was nervous to tell her I’d stopped drinking because she knows me. She knows I quit three years ago. She’s been worried about me in the past. She was crazy proud of me for stopping before and kindly looked away with quiet support when I went back to my wolfie 22 months ago. So I knew if I told her I’d stopped again, it wouldn’t be a gloss over moment the way it is with other people. 

 

But I told her and it was good. I told her I wasn’t thinking too much about the future because it messes with my head. But I was committed to making it to 100 days alcohol free and then 180 days. And then my goal was a year. I told her I was feeling so much better with myself, and more peaceful and optimistic. It just took away so much of the trash talking that I was doing to myself. And I knew my drinking was taking me on a downward path that made me worried for my future. And she was great. She was proud of me and happy for me. She said that the great thing about me is that once I figured out an issue, I’m so proactive, and I work to take care of it and solve it. And she knew I would just take this and move forward in the most positive direction. I kind of felt like she was giving me a bit too much credit, knowing what goes on in my head in the past year. But it felt good to hear so I’m just gonna latch on to that message. I mean, why not? I knew there was a reason we’ve been friends for 25 years. 

 

Okay, then the concert. One, I made sure I wasn’t hungry going in. I thought everyone would be drinking. And pretty much they were. And it didn’t look that great. Some of the girls next to us were super drunk and they thought they knew us from the beer garden earlier. They did not. Literally, they wanted to hug us and we’re screeching you guys again, because they thought they’d let us know. And then one drunk girl said about another drunk girl, she’s been drinking a ton, and is super drunk. Yep, got that. Everyone else kept getting up and down for drinks. The concert was at a baseball stadium. And I was a good red wine girl. So that helped. I knew that their red wine would have sucked. But in my previous life, I’d still be drinking it. I smiled from ear to ear. I sang every song. I was a bit tired and cold by the end. But it was fun. And the drive home through the city and traffic was long and a bit anxiety producing late at night. But I was very glad to be completely sober. Three, I kept looking at the people around me wondering about them in their lives. It was Billy Joel, and I’m not young 40. But lots of folks were older than us. And I kept thinking about 10 years from now. I read something in the off dry blog by Christy Coulter about sobriety being a long game. And taking a long view. I kept looking at various folks and thinking about where I could be with 10 years of not drinking, what my health would be like versus where I would be if I kept on the path of drinking a bottle of wine a night. I think it would be scary. I’m scared when I think of another decade down the slippery path I was on. And the path I just recently hopped off. My daughter will be 12 in a decade. My son will be 18 and my health and my life could be pretty positive or pretty scary. And that’s keeping me on the path today. I had a lovely night. Keep Calm and sober on, right. Happy Saturday, Casey. 

 

Day 98. We’ll see appears. Hey, Coach, today was super hectic at work. It was busy. Lots of adrenaline trying to get everything done. I’m off on vacation Thursday and Friday. And then for the long weekend. Mike’s gone tonight. So it’s just me and the kids and I’m wrapping up work and my brain goes, Good red wine would be perfect tonight and I’m finishing up work and going on vacation. Mike’s away. No one would know. Fuck you wolfie, that’s crazy. I’m getting a full day of massage and spa visit. I’m getting a full day of a spa visit and massage for my 100 days on Friday. I have a call with you on Friday morning. I’ve been feeling so proud of myself for my progress and commitment. Fuck. Ate a rice cake with peanut butter so I felt a bit better. I’m going to pick up my kids, eat dinner and go to bed early. No wine for me. I’m shopping for new clothes tomorrow. I have two days off to myself. I’m excited to hit day 100 and move on. Off. He sucks. This will pass. Casey. 

 

Day 99. Hi, coach. Thanks for suggesting making the 100 day pledge that might help shut up Wolfie. I survived day 98 but it was hard. I listened to your audios, I cried, I asked my eight year old for cuddles, I went to bed at 10pm. Now it’s a new day. Day 99. I’m feeling better. I am so glad I didn’t drink. Talk to you tomorrow on day 100 and here is my pledge to make it through six months. Casey’s team when he pledge I’ve been sober for 100 days. And I knew my life is better. It’s not always easy. But I am moving in the right direction. I’d like to continue going in that direction. And I’d like to see what happens next. I will not drink for 180 days, not when my husband drinks, not on my trip to Europe, not if I go to a brewery or a fancy restaurant or if there’s a wine tasting event, not if it’s awful, not if life is feeling really good, not at a happy hour, not at a concert in a park, not on my 41st birthday. Not on the village camping trip. I will not drink no matter what, because I want to see what happens next. And I want to see what day 180 feels like. 

 

Day 100. Hi, coach, my day 100 was awesome. It was so good to talk to you. And my spa day was amazing. I picked up my kids, got pizza, and we had a sing along to the Sound of Music movie at the request of my eight year old son. My husband lost his final four state tournament playoff games. He just called me and he’s super down and grumpy. I feel bad for him in the team. But I’m also glad that I took today for myself away from work and the kids and life to celebrate myself. Here’s what I wrote to the BFB just now. I thought I’d share it with you. I really do love your One Minute Message. I’ve had it memorized. It makes me cry in a good way every time I hear it. 

 

Today is Day 100 for me. Someone had an idea that as folks in the 100 Day Challenge hit day 100 we should post up and how we’re feeling and what it’s like. And I think that’s a great idea. So first, here’s the one minute message from Bell that I’ve listened to over and over and over again these last 100 days. It speaks to me. Bell’s one minute message number 56. Tell me. Tell me I’ll think it was worth it. Tell me it gets better. Tell me I’ll feel better once I get going. Tell me again that no one needs to drink. Tell me I’m going to feel better. Tell me the lies while I stop. Tell me it’ll be like the movies. Tell me I’ll know when to walk. Tell me it’s okay to reach out. Tell me the sun will be bright. Tell me I’ll think it was worth it. Tell me it will all be all right. Tell me that I am worth it. Answers. It is, it does. You will. No one needs to drink. You will they do? And it’s not quite like the movies. But that’s okay. You will learn. It is, it will, it is, you will, you are worth it. 

 

So here’s what I wrote myself 100 days ago on my last day one. Can I have a life of peace and optimism and happiness? I don’t know. I’m currently approaching life from a place of fear and anxiety. I’m waking up at 3am or 5am with anxiety almost tingling all over my body and sadness. I’m so tired every morning and day. I feel so deeply unhappy after I drink. I feel deeply insecure and anxious about work and projects and big life and pewter and security questions. I feel like I have no emotional reserves or goodwill to handle changes. It feels like everything new, and every new request will be the straw that will break me. I wake up each day with a dull ache behind my eyes. I spend all day recovering. 

 

And this is what I’m thinking on day 100. Keep going. I’m just getting started. To bring it back to the answers and Bell’s message. I do feel better. I do feel proud of myself. I feel moments of contentment and peace and gratitude on a fairly regular basis. I feel happy with my life. I walk into work on a random Tuesday thinking I want the life I have. I mean how crazy is that? I make plans and I follow through on them. I’ve lost 25 pounds. I’ve run a 10k. I go for walks in the middle of the day to present myself. I’m a good mom. I’m more calm and present with my kids. I’m taking so much better care of myself. I feel less anxious and more competent at work. It takes so much less effort to keep track of everything. Now that I’ve stopped drinking my life actually feels somewhat manageable, busy, but not overwhelming. I believe in my ability to set goals and follow through on them. I don’t feel so anxious about my future, I actually feel optimistic. I haven’t woken up hating myself or berating myself in a long time. It hasn’t been easy. But it also hasn’t been quite as hard as I thought it would be. 

 

On day 100 I’m thinking this not drinking thing, it’s a long game of compounding benefits. Where will I be? And how will I feel on day 180? Where will I be? And how will I feel at one year? In two years, I will be going to my 25th highschool reunion, not having had a drink in over two years. Instead of being hungover and shaky, tired and overweight. Like I was at my 20th reunion. At five years, I will be a 45 year old who has not drank in five years. At 10 years, I’ll be a 50 year old who has not had a drink in 10 years. How different and amazing would my life be? Versus what my life would be like if I drink a bottle of wine a day for the next 10 years? In 10 years, my son will be 18. My daughter will be 12. What would a decade of their childhood be like if I stayed stop? Versus if I went back to drinking daily? Where do I want to be at age 50? My life and marriage and kids could all be amazing. My life could be peaceful and happy and healthy and loving. 

 

So on day 100 instead of wine, I choose to keep going. I choose me. I choose my family. I choose cuddles for my kids. I choose to feel proud of myself. I choose love. I choose health, I choose life, I choose happiness, I choose the future. I choose travel and adventures. I choose to take care of myself, I choose gardening in the sunshine and sleeping through the night. 

 

Alright, that’s it. That was me on day 100. And if you’ve listened to my three podcasts, you know everything I thought and felt God help you. From day one to day 100. I will link to my earlier podcasts of day one to 30 and 30 to 60. And my interview with Bell, my coach, in the show notes. 

 

And if you’re ready to step on this path, to go through this process, which you can see is transformational and an awakening and not easy but good. And you will feel better with support with a framework with me to hold your hand and give you tips and tools and move through the process. Check out my course, The Sobriety Starter Kit. It is my complete sober coaching framework in an app through videos through guides and downloads. And I promise you, it’s good. It’ll help. All right. Thanks, guys. Bye. 

 

Casey McGuire Davidson