Pictures of my life between 100 days and 6 months sober

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What Happens Between 100 Days and 6 Months Sober

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

100 days, alcohol-free, creating, connect, listeners, stories, learn, lives, 8th year soberversary, diary, sober coach, aftermath problems, underlying problems, sobriety, early sobriety, drinking cycle, anxiety, panic attacks, crisis, moments, work, wolfie, pink clouds, stopping drinking, quit drinking, sober treats, changed perspective, medication, cope with life, coping mechanism, support, podcasts, books, online sobriety course, online sobriety group, self-care, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy, stronger, you are a sober badass, sober, navigating life, sober momentum, 6 months sober

SPEAKERS: Casey McGuire Davidson

00:02

Welcome to the Hello Someday Podcast, the podcast for busy women who are ready to drink less and live more. I’m Casey McGuire Davidson, ex-red wine girl turned life coach helping women create lives they love without alcohol. But it wasn’t that long ago that I was anxious, overwhelmed, and drinking a bottle of wine and night to unwind. I thought that wine was the glue, holding my life together, helping me cope with my kids, my stressful job and my busy life. I didn’t realize that my love affair with drinking was making me more anxious and less able to manage my responsibilities.

In this podcast, my goal is to teach you the tried and true secrets of creating and living a life you don’t want to escape from.

Each week, I’ll bring you tools, lessons and conversations to help you drink less and live more. I’ll teach you how to navigate our drinking obsessed culture without a buzz, how to sit with your emotions when you’re lonely or angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, how to self soothe without a drink, and how to turn the decision to stop drinking from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life.

I am so glad you’re here. Now let’s get started.

On February 18th, I hit 8 years alcohol-free. And I also just recorded and released my 200th podcast episode, which is insane to me. It takes me about 5 hours to prepare the podcast every week. And so, if I’m thinking about 200 episodes of that, I’ve probably spent a thousand hours working on this podcast over the last 4 years.

Some people have told me that they have listened to every episode from the start, which is crazy and incredible and wonderful and others may have just found me. Either way, I just wanted to say thank you for listening to this show. I have met the most incredible guest from creating the show, but also have gotten to connect with so many listeners and hear your stories and learn about your lives.

[00:01:00]

So, if you want to connect with me and talk with me, please find me on Instagram, you can find me under Casey M, as in McGuire, Davidson. Again, that’s @caseymdavidson, and I would love to connect with you there.

So, for this episode, because It is my 8th year soberversary. I wanted to record something personal and something meaningful and it’s been on my list for a long time to record my diary of emails to my sober coach from days 100 to 180 because so many women ask me, What should I expect after 100 days?

What about the rest of my first 6 months, my first year alcohol-free? If you haven’t listened to it yet, or if you are in a different phase of sobriety, I have recorded my diary.

[00:02:00]

To my Coach of Days 1 to Day 30, Days 30 to Day 60, your second month of sobriety, and Day 60 to 100. So, if you want to listen to any of those, I will link them to my show notes for this episode.

You can find that at hellosomedaycoaching.com/201. But since so many people ask me what happens after 100 days, initially I thought, well, this is easy. I’ve recorded my diary from Day one to 100, so I’ll just do the next few months.

And while early sobriety is hard and then tender. It’s an awakening where you’re learning so much every day about yourself and about your relationships and about why you drink and you’re learning to take care of yourself.

[00:03:00]

Early sobriety is a period of extreme self-care. In your first hundred days, I recommend lowering the bar, lots of sober treats, listening to your body, finding new rewards, doing less.

And then after a hundred days, you’re stronger. You just are. You have gone through the ups and downs of early sobriety.

You are physically feeling better. You have most likely navigated telling your friends and family going to a few drinking events, having a birthday or an anniversary or something else alcohol free. And so, when I looked at my diary, From day 100 to day 180 to day 300, I realized that it was actually a bit messier than I thought it was.

A lot of those days were wonderful. I had a lot of fun. I felt good. I felt strong. It felt easier. And then, Other days were hard.

[00:04:00]

I have talked a number of times about the fact that there are two types of problems that you need to solve for related to drinking. The first is your aftermath problems, right?

The hangovers, the anxiety, the cravings, maybe the regret or defensiveness, the shame in the morning if you drank too much. Those problems get resolved pretty quickly after you stop drinking. It is absolutely not easy, but a lot of those problems solve for themselves once you remove alcohol.

Then, most of us have some sort of underlying problems, which are the things that made drinking really attractive to you in the first place.

For some people, it might be anxiety. For others, it might be being a people pleaser, having trouble establishing boundaries. For some women it’s trauma.

[00:05:00]

For other people, they’re in a toxic relationship. For some, it might be ADHD which makes addiction and struggling with substances much more common for you.

It might be a difficult marriage or a special needs child or a difficult family relationships or anything else It can be anything but as I look back at my diary from 180 I realized that I was unaware of That at the time I was day to day living with an undiagnosed mood disorder that came in cyclical waves.

It took me about a year of therapy, a year of emailing my coach, a few of these I’ll record to figure out that I needed more than an anti-anxiety medication to stabilize my moods. And what’s interesting is I think a lot of that was the shit that was always hidden behind my drinking.

[00:06:00]

Or, I blamed my drinking for why I felt crushing anxiety, why I felt like I couldn’t cope. The good news is that after my therapist and I finally figured out what was going on, and essentially what she said to me was, you have these periods of anxiety or difficulty that seem to descend with no obvious trigger.

And then lift and there are other times when you should have a period of anxiety, meaning there is an obvious trigger and you don’t have that happen. And so she got me on the right medication and I have not felt that way in seven years, which is incredible. And reading these emails was a reminder to me of both the good stuff and the hard stuff I went through after those first 100 days.

Here’s what I see looking back at them.

[00:07:00]

First, I did big things. I went to Venice and Croatia at 136 days alcohol-free. and I didn’t drink. I was really using my sober tools that I learned in my first 100 days. I used them on repeat. I had them in my back pocket, I accessed them easily, and they helped me.

Thank God for my Coach. I leaned on her every day and especially when I was feeling these periods of anxiety. She absorbed a lot of emotional baggage from me. I probably should have left my job, or more likely my boss, a few years before I actually did. Thank God I went to therapy and I did EMDR, even though I wanted to quit therapy in the first month.

Thank God for my day to day routines, my workout group, the friends I made. in social media alcohol free groups, and my family for supporting me.

[00:08:00]

It made a huge difference. I was definitely happier after I got kittens, made vision boards, started taking every other Friday off from work for a while. I decided to stop using my vacation days for big getaways and instead use them. to get through my weeks more easily and have more happiness and balance in my life.

And in terms of looking at what your body needs, what your mind needs, that was a shift. I don’t need to do that anymore. But at that period of time, those every other Fridays off of work using my vacation days for that helped me so much.

There were moments of joy. There was gratitude. But it wasn’t all pink cloudy and I am so much happier now and then than I would have been if I had said fuck it and drank again.

[00:09:00]

The interesting thing is that in no part of my diary including the hard parts did I say that I wished I could go back to drinking.

But when I see the parts of the mood disorder that are now obvious to me in my emails, I have a lot more understanding and compassion for why drinking worked for me and why I felt like I couldn’t cope with life when everyone else could.

Look, I wish that once you stop drinking, all of your problems were solved. And like I said, those aftermath problems, a lot of them do resolve on their own. You will notice once you get through the first hundred days, and I know in those first two weeks, women are like, I’m angry, I’m sensitive, what’s going on?

My relationship feels worse than it was when I’m drinking.

And by the way, that is all withdrawal. And that goes away.

[00:10:00]

For most women, you will notice you sleep better, you have more energy, you look better, your anxiety and depression decreases. I would say like 60 percent just by removing alcohol. And I wish there was nothing else you ever had to deal with.

But I know from coaching hundreds of women and from my own personal experience, that everyone has their own thing, their own reason that they drank. And for some people, the underlying reason they drank are more easily solved for than for other people.

But for each one of us doing the work, it’s worth it. Otherwise, we would just be stuck in this shitty place of circling the drain forever.

So what I would say is that for every single one of us after 100 days, the support you need doesn’t go away. The type of support you need may shift. For me, and for a lot of women I’ve worked with, therapy after 100 days is incredibly helpful. Or whatever your version of therapy is.

[00:11:00]

There are pieces to sort through around both what happened when you drank, but also What’s happening in your mental and physical health and social and physical environment that made drinking really attractive and It’s important to take those work in phases Interspersed with lots of lighter periods of joy and rest You don’t need to dive in and dig through all the shit if you don’t want to It is perfectly acceptable to read a great novel and watch a good show and walk through meadows and take naps and you need that too.

And before I dive into my diary, I just wanted to share three things from different women in my sobriety starter kit member group that they shared just this week and I am sharing this with permission from each one of them.

[00:12:00]

One woman in the group just posted today about hitting six months, and here’s what she said,

What I’m thinking about today is freedom. Freedom to be fully myself and to build the life of my choosing. I can’t say that I never think about alcohol, I do sometimes, but the further away from it that I get, the more it seems like a switch was flipped and I am no longer owned by something that has owned me for decades and decades.

And my part in allowing those many, many substandard years to happen was holding on to the deep desire to be able to moderate my intake. So here’s a photo of part of my six month reward gift. An illustration of what now preoccupies my thoughts instead of should I skip yoga class? and drink instead or fuck it what kind of person shows up to yoga class feeling so hungover or if I could only show up to class with no hangover that would feel so amazing or someday I will get my shit together and be able to study and practice yoga the way I yearn to.

[00:13:00]

And the picture of the gift she got herself for six months alcohol free was basic Sanskrit for yogis. Now, I am not a yogi, but I think that is incredibly cool.

And when she said, I’m no longer owned by something that has owned her for decades and decades. And that holding on to her deep desire to moderate was what kept her trapped for years. If you want to hear an episode, I just recorded on how to put thoughts of moderation on pause so that You don’t go back to drinking with the idea of trying to moderate.

[00:14:00]

Go to hellosomedaycoaching.com/200. In that episode, you’ll get my 10 strategies I work with my private clients on to put thoughts of moderation on hold so that you can actually enjoy alcohol-free life and make it to four months, six months, a year happily. group posted on day 120 And since this episode is about what to expect after day 100, I wanted to share it with you.

She said,

looking back over the past four months, I can officially say that I no longer suffer from the Sunday scaries. I don’t know when or why they started exactly, but I am so grateful not to experience them. Pre SSK, that’s my sobriety starter kit, I remember waking up on most Sunday mornings with a headache, puffy eyes, a dry mouth, and sore throat, sometimes trying to piece together the night before.

Even though my body physically felt like crap, the anxiety was often so intense that I had to get up and get moving. Not only did I feel anxious, but I also usually felt weak, sad, angry, regretful, disgusted, and sometimes ashamed. So I overwhelmed myself with goals and rules to start over. I always needed to get back on track and get healthy.

I stuffed Sundays with working out. Kind of impressive since I felt terrible. Tons of activities and lots of chores. I never stopped to rest. When I finally went to bed, I dreaded Monday and started the week with so much work and strict rules to get me back on track. The anxiety I ran from all day quickly returned and crushed me.

I’d often be wide awake until 3am, my chest radiating with nerves and pain. Needless to say, Monday started off rough and the drinking cycle continued on Fridays. So what can you expect around day 120?

She said,

Sundays now typically look like waking up feeling refreshed after a solid night of sleep, enjoying my coffee, and breakfast, doing whatever physical activities I want to do. Leisurely dog walk, lift, hot yoga, golf, eating good food, whatever other activities I want. It really just depends on the weekend and my body and mood. I still live in the same home with the same family, the same things going on. And my job actually has more responsibility now.

But my Sunday actions are not driven by a desire to dig myself out of a hole. I don’t feel like crap all day. And I don’t have the intensity of those negative emotions. Sundays feel more balanced and even keeled to me now. Just chill and enjoyable. Not a stress fest. So that’s pretty cool.

Another woman in the SSK member group who is over 100 days shared this.

I went to a friend’s house for dinner tonight. I brought some blood orange soda, told them I wasn’t drinking even though they had a bottle of fancy wine decanting for our arrival. I wasn’t really worried because the Wolfie voice has been muted lately, but I was prepared.

You guys, I was fine. They drank, I didn’t. I was relaxed, social, and I had fun. I was coherent, patient, and helpful, and I feel great going to bed.

My, my, my. Things can really change in just a matter of months. It’s really astonishing what 4 months can do.

I just wanted to share to encourage anyone that it can and it will get better and easier. Alright, so those are three voices from women in my member group about how they feel at 4 months and at 6 months.

[00:18:00]

And here’s what I wrote to my Coach who was Belle Robertson at Tired of Thinking About Drinking, 8 years ago when I hit 100 days.

I wrote,

my day 100 was awesome. It was so good to talk to you. My spa day was amazing. I picked up my kids. I got pizza. We had a sing along to the Sound of Music movie at the request of my eight year old son. My husband just lost his final four playoff game So he called me and he’s super down and grumpy and I feel bad for him and I feel bad for the team But I’m also really glad I took today [00:19:00] for myself Away from work and kids and life to recenter myself Here’s what I wrote on a secret non drinking Facebook group just now and I thought I’d share it with you too.

Today is day 100 for me. And someone had an idea that as the folks in the 100 day challenge hit day 100, we should post about how we are feeling and what’s it like. So here is how I feel on day 100. First, here’s a one minute message from Belle that I’ve listened to over and over again. It speaks to me.

It’s number 56, and it’s called, Tell Me. She writes, Tell me I’ll think it was worth it. Tell me it gets better. Tell me I’ll feel better. Once I get going, tell me again that no one needs to drink. Tell me I’m going to feel better. Tell me the lies will all stop. Tell me it will be like the movies. Tell me I’ll know when to walk.

Tell me it’s okay to reach out. Tell me the sun will be bright. Tell me I’ll think it was worth it. Tell me it’ll be all right. Tell me that I am worth it. The answers. It is. It does. You will. No one needs to drink. You will. They do. And it’s not quite like the movies, but that’s okay. You will learn. It is. It will.

You will. You are worth it.

[00:21:00]

So here’s what I wrote to myself on my last day one.

100 days ago, can I have a life of peace and optimism and happiness? I don’t know. Currently, I’m approaching my life from a place of fear and anxiety. I’m waking up at 3 a. m. or 5 a. m. with anxiety, almost tingling all over my body and sadness. I am so tired.

Every morning and every day, I feel so deeply unhappy after I drink. I feel deeply insecure and anxious about work projects and big life and future security questions. I feel like I have no emotional reserves or goodwill. to handle changes. It feels like everything new and every new request will be the straw that will break me.

I wake up each day with a dull ache behind my eyes. I spend all day recovering. I sleep terribly. I feel defensive, guilty, paranoid, anxious, annoyed, wanting to hide, and always wanting more, more wine. It’s never enough. It really is an obsession of the mind and a craving of the body. I’m putting my life, my plans, and all my forward progress on hold.

I don’t feel proud of myself. And this is what I’m thinking today, on day 100. I’m thinking keep going. I’m just getting started. To bring it back to the answers in Belle’s message, I do feel better. I do feel proud of myself. I feel moments of contentment and peace and gratitude on a fairly regular basis.

I feel happy with my life. I walk into work on random Tuesdays thinking, I want the life I have. I mean, how crazy is that? I make plans and I follow through with them. I’ve lost 25 pounds since the start of the year. I’ve run a 10k. I go for walks in the middle of the day at work to reset myself. I’m a good mom and more calm and more present with my kids.

I am taking so much better care of myself. I feel less anxious and more competent at work. It takes so much less effort to keep track of everything. Now that I’ve stopped drinking, life actually feels somewhat manageable, busy, but not overwhelming. I believe in my ability to set goals and to follow through on them.

I don’t feel so anxious about the future. I actually feel optimistic.

I haven’t woken up hating or berating myself in a long time. It hasn’t been easy, but it also hasn’t been quite as hard as I thought it would be. On day 100, I’m thinking that this not drinking thing is a long game of compounding benefits. Where will I be and how will I feel at six months? At one year? In two years, I’ll go to my 25th high school reunion, not having had a drink in over two years.

Instead of being hungover and shaky, tired and overweight like I was at my 20th reunion. At five years, I will be a 45 year old who has not drank in five years. At 10 years, I will be a 50 year old who has not had a drink in 10 years. How different and how amazing will my life be versus what my life would be like if I drank a bottle of wine a day for the next Decade.

In 10 years, my son will be 18. My daughter will be 12. What would a decade of their childhood look like if I stayed stop versus if I went back to drinking? Where do I want to be at age 50? My life, my marriage, my kids, it could be amazing. My life could be peaceful, happy, healthy, and loving. So on day 100, instead of choosing wine, I choose to keep going.

I choose me. I choose my family. I choose cuddles from my kids. I choose feeling proud of myself. I choose love. I choose health. I choose life. I choose happiness. I choose my future. I choose travel and adventure. I choose Taking care of myself. I choose gardening in the sunshine and sleeping through the night.

It’s kind of incredible to read that now when I was thinking where I would be in two years and five years and ten years. On day 100 and as you’ll hear through my posts, I know I I would never have imagined that eight years in the future, I would be recording this podcast. I would be a life and sobriety coach.

I would have a podcast that has helped me meet the most incredible people that I would have been. Quoted in the New York Times, and on Good Morning America, and have well over a million downloads. That is crazy. But you know what that is?

That is 8 fucking years of feeling good, of feeling healthy, of being productive, of having more confidence, of being proud of myself, of doing things, and following through.

[00:26:00]

So, I am really glad that on day 100 I chose to keep going. It hasn’t been easy, but I will never regret it.

So what else happened after a hundred days? The first thing that I had to deal with was taking a really big family trip that had been planned long before I ever stopped drinking to Venice, Croatia and Slovenia. I was really nervous about staying sober on this trip and around day 110, I posted in an online non drinking group, this post, I said,

[00:27:00]

Hi.

Anyone want to tell me stories of how amazing sober vacations are? I’m headed to Venice, Croatia, and Slovenia on a two week vacation, three weeks from now. I’m excited, but nervous too. I’m going with my husband and son, but also my mother, my sister, and her family, three cousins, and their family. There are 16 of us.

Only my husband knows I’m not drinking. I’m not sure if my eight year old son has noticed. I’m nervous about a week and a half with my mother and sister, total triggers, and big family dinners filled with wine bottles. The last time I went to Italy, I drank my way through the country, a carafe of red for me at lunch, a carafe of white for my husband, long naps, late dinners, and drinking again.

So, those of you who have taken sober vacations, please help me get in the right mindset. I want to picture what my wonderful sober vacation will be like.

Some ideas:

1. Get up early and go walking and get coffee and take pictures. Before anyone else is up.
2. Go on gelato crawls around Venice with my husband and 8 year old son.
3. Sleep like a baby.
4. Help me with what I do at long family group dinners. What do I order?
5. Send pictures and stories to this group. Other ideas?

Another thing I did after day 100 was I participated in a photo of the day group of all women who we met on an online group. We all were not drinking. But the photos were not really about sobriety, but just about everyday life and connecting with other people who don’t drink, but also noticing some of the small details and beauty around me.

[00:29:00]

So, each day in May, and then June, and then July, we got a prompt that said clock or morning. Or a dream or on the ground or pointed, and we shared an image of the day. If you go to the show notes for this episode, which will be hellosomedaycoaching.com/201, I’ll share some of the images that I took.

Right around when I was on day 110 and 120, things like, mess and shared a picture of my daughter and the dishes saying my two little hot messes in my kitchen or Homemade and I posted a picture of the start of my vegetable garden favorite drink -My coffee with milk, one of the things that gets me out of bed at five in the morning to go to a workout or parallel lines a picture of the parking lines in my office parking lot.

[00:30:00]

Those kinds of things. They made me happy. There was a prompt of share, and I’ve shared a picture of my kids taking a bath together in the morning.

Or, the prompt was a treat, and I shared a picture of my son Hank eating a strawberry scone. at our favorite garden store. It was those little moments that brought me joy after day 100. I was no longer in early sobriety. I was no longer in withdrawal. I was just living. So I was taking pictures of the roses on the metal arch in our front yard. I was taking pictures of fresh peonies from the garden. I was taking pictures of my shoes and my daughter’s bright shoes on the gravel waiting for the school bus to come. So my emails to my coach, my sober diary, were about things like my husband being in a bad mood and my daughter being difficult because she was 2-year-old.

Navigating those emotions, those difficult situations without doing what I usually did, which was drinking over it.

On day 111, I wrote my coach, I’ve been feeling a bit down the last two days, I’ve made it past my big focus of whatever you do, don’t drink for 100 days. And now I need to embrace making it to day 180 with the same focus. But I haven’t, my brain starts to forget how sad I felt, how anxious and the sort of looming dread.

I felt about the future on day zero and day one, and how hard the first few weeks were. When I start thinking about, oh, a glass of wine sounds good. So I looked back in the emails and the pictures to remind myself that life is better not drinking. I shared with my coach a picture of me. The one on the left was taken 6 months before.

The one on the right, the Thanksgiving before I stopped drinking when I was drinking a bottle of red wine a day, seven days a week, and not working out. I was generally okay, I guess, but vaguely unhappy, stressed out, and honestly, on a downward path. And then the picture on the right I sent her was a month ago.

Three months of not drinking, four months of working out and eating better, sleeping so much better, prioritizing myself, taking time to nurture myself, looking towards the future, hopefully, making commitments and showing up for them. So, when I have bad blah days, I need to remember. I don’t want to go back to how I felt and how I looked and how I lived last November.

This is better. The hard days pass. We are on the right path and this is a long game of compounding benefits.

[00:33:00]

On day 111, I am telling myself to press on and I am committing to making it to day 180 no matter what.

And then on 118, I wrote my coach this, I went to a little league end of season baseball party last night and I was offered beer the minute I walked in, but I had lemonade. It wasn’t a big debate or a decision or an issue. So that felt good. In the old days, I would have had two glasses of wine with dinner, gearing up for small talk with the other parents, two beers at the party, only because beer is not my thing.

If it was red wine, I would have had more. And then finish the bottle of wine, three more glasses, at home. You know, a standard Monday night. And I would repeat that the other six nights of the week. But no, not last night. I had two cookies and a lemonade, and it was fine. I actually noticed that a woman there had a ton of wine pictures and corks and stuff around, but a lot of it from Italy.

So I talked to her about how we were going to Venice in two weeks, and it turns out she’s been to Venice and to Croatia and Slovenia, too. So we had something fun to talk about. My daughter, Ate all the desserts and made her usual two year old scene and was carried out screaming Because she wanted to stay in play Standard toddler behavior on a side note.

My husband got gifted a bottle of white wine I assume at the end of the year school because it showed up yesterday and It is taking up space in my fridge at eye level. It is so fun Fucking annoying. He keeps beer in the fridge, which is fine. He drinks it, but god knows when he is going To get around to drinking the white wine.

I don’t want to look at it for a month I put it behind the milk and the [00:35:00] creamers this morning because it was visually assaulting me I didn’t mention it to him yet because I was so surprised by it and He does like white wine, and I’m not sure what I would say. Are you going to drink this? If yes, when?

it doesn’t sound quite right. I always used to drink red, and he drank white. So, white wine isn’t really my thing, but I’m super annoyed that it’s even in my space. I just don’t want to see it.

My mother in law comes in one week and she drinks, so I’m going to save it for her. She’s taking care of my toddler for two weeks while we go to Europe. I also have four bottles of wine I hid in the basement on my last day one. I gathered them up on a Thursday morning and put them in a box in the basement by the water heater, so I guess I’ll bring that up for her to drink with her friends over the two weeks.

But that’s it. I want this shit out of my house..

Casey McGuire Davidson 

Hi there. If you’re listening to this episode, and have been trying to take a break from drinking, but keep starting and stopping and starting again, I want to invite you to take a look at my on demand coaching course, The Sobriety Starter Kit.

 

The Sobriety Starter Kit is an online self study sober coaching course that will help you quit drinking and build a life you love without alcohol without white knuckling it or hating the process. The course includes the exact step by step coaching framework I work through with my private coaching clients, but at a much more affordable price than one on one coaching. And the sobriety starter kit is ready, waiting and available to support you anytime you need it. And when it fits into your schedule. You don’t need to work your life around group meetings or classes at a specific day or time.

This course is not a 30 day challenge, or a one day at a time approach. Instead, it’s a step by step formula for changing your relationship with alcohol. The course will help you turn the decision to stop drinking, from your worst case scenario to the best decision of your life.

You will sleep better and have more energy, you’ll look better and feel better. You’ll have more patience and less anxiety. And with my approach, you won’t feel deprived or isolated in the process. So if you’re interested in learning more about all the details, please go to www.sobrietystarterkit.com. You can start at any time and I would love to see you in the course 

[00:36:00]

A few days before my trip, I wrote to my Coach Belle.

The email you sent out today spoke to me as I arrive in Venice on my day 131 for a 10 day vacation. I took a screenshot of your email and cropped out the section where she got to day 132 and drank on her one week vacation, and it took her nine months to get another day one to stick.

I definitely needed to read that. I am nervous about going backwards, but I am putting all my bricks in place to keep going. So here are my bricks.

One, I put my milestone dates on my wall calendar at home past day 120. So I’ve got 130, 140, 160, 170, 180 on the calendar in pen.

Two, I have a call with you tomorrow and I scheduled another one in July.

Three, my BFB 100 day challenge folks are still posting every day, even though I’m past day 100.

4. I wrote a letter to myself in the future that will arrive on July 3rd in my inbox, on my trip. It was part of an online course homework I did.
5. I participated in my third online course small group call yesterday and that was good.

I have my bracelets I will wear on my trip that remind me of why I’m not drinking.

I will continue to email you. I’ll listen to your audio messages and one minute messages.

What else should I do so I don’t pick up a drink on vacation? Other than not getting too hungry or tired. Being grateful and present where I am. Reaching out online if I need support and just not drinking. I’m also repeating to myself, I didn’t come this far to only come this far and just keep going.

Other than that, all is well. Work is super busy, but okay. I’m running out the door to get my daughter. I have a call with you tomorrow morning and a doctor appointment at 9am. Where I’m excited to tell them that I haven’t had a drink in four months and I’m down 25 pounds.

And I can honestly say I work out three times a week and eat really healthy at least since January.

Talk soon. Casey.

On day 125, I wrote my coach that I felt all tingly last night. I told her I put on my diffuser. I turned on my air conditioning wall unit. I tried to read a novel. I freaked out at 11 p. m. that some work thing I was supposed to check on and forgot. The day at work had been tough too. I was trying to keep everything in perspective, breathing deeply, writing down what I was anxious about.

I took a 20 minute bike ride at work for a break. I tried to meditate that morning, but I’m not sure it worked, because I wasn’t much of a meditator. I was trying really hard to get ahead of the anxiety thing.

And then I went on my trip, so I wrote a couple times from my vacation and I wanted to share it because I think it was cool to see what it was like. I know so many of us are nervous. about not drinking while traveling. So I was at about four months. I wrote this on day 136 in Venice and Croatia. I said drinking cappuccinos and eating lots of pastries and ice cream.

It has been a challenging few days, beautiful and fun, but lots of long lunches and dinners and boat trips with being offered drinks at every turn. Seriously, yesterday I was offered shots on the boat before lunch, drinks all day on the boat, shots poured before getting off the boat, wine at dinner, and then grappa pre poured for us after paying the bill.

[00:40:00]

How many times can a girl say no thanks in a single day? And my husband bought beers for quote unquote room drinks for the two hours between the boat and dinner. Two days ago, I read Jason Vale’s book to recenter myself on the ferry to Croatia, and yesterday I read Belle’s first year blog on my phone.

The internet is super spotty here, so it’s hard to stay connected, but I feel like I need to check in, so I’m posting this from a restaurant. On the positive side, Croatia is incredibly lovely and the swimming was amazing and I felt great on the boat, not half sick from a hangover and half from the motion.

I’m sleeping well and I bought lots of lovely jewelry for myself. Below is a picture of me having a cappuccino in Venice and me jumping off the roof of a boat in Croatia.

And then a few days later, I posted again on day 140, I said, you guys, I’ve almost made it through my trip. 11 days. 10 nights at 1. 16 family members, then 12, then 8, then just my 3. I did not drink. Today is day 140 and I am so damn proud of myself. It’s okay to say that, right? I am tucked into my hotel bed with our flight in the morning.

It was not easy. The trip was amazing and beautiful and fun and relaxing and exhausting, but being surrounded by offers of drinks and eating out three meals a day for 11 days, it’s hard. And I had spotty Wi-Fi and couldn’t get a lot of alone time or listen to my sober audios. I was tempted. I occasionally started to rationalize.

I can’t quite remember why I’m doing this no drinking thing anymore. But I shut that shit down and said never question the decision. I decided I don’t drink anymore. So I stayed the course. Funny things. Number one, no one specifically asked me why I wasn’t drinking. Or actually, asked me if I wasn’t drinking at all, or anymore, or anything.

That includes my mother, and my older sister, and three cousins, and their spouses. It literally did not come up. How is that fucking possible? They don’t know I stopped four and a half months ago. Maybe they don’t know I stopped at all. I got a few raised eyebrows when I kept ordering lemon soda, or cappuccinos, or water.

I got one. What? No red wine for Casey? Comment from my brother-in-law. And that was it. Isn’t that crazy? Funny thing number two. I thought I’d be up before everyone else, hiking around with endless energy, but I just slept. I slept till 9am or 9:30am or 10. I slept for 8 to 10 hours a night.

I was tired and it felt good. Funny thing number three. The big things I was worried about, food and drink, walking tour, private dining tours with offers of wine tastings. Those were no big deal. The drinking offers in these events turned out to be one to two glasses that if I had been drinking, I would have been super annoyed by the stingy offerings.

The harder part was the long dinners that I just wanted to end. And so I could tuck in and read a book and be alone and not talk when everybody else wanted another drink. So they were dragging dinners into the night long past the point we needed. That’s it. I can’t wait to see my two year old little girl Friday morning.

Thanks for being out there and thanks for getting it.

[00:44:00]

So the harder part for me started around day 144, which coincided with me going back to work. And a lot of it was external circumstances. I checked my mail when I got back from work and found out that my right hand guy, who’s been at the company for four years and who I loved working with in the middle. of a ton of turnover and a really difficult boss Had gotten a different job and his last day Was four days after I got back from vacation

I didn’t blame him at all. He and the new boss who had started never really clicked and all of the members on our team knew his value, but somehow she didn’t appreciate him and I wanted all the best for him, but with him leaving, it meant that I took on my job plus his job and he carried a lot of the water for the other people within the group that were turning over or had one foot out the door or were mailing it in.

So, when I got back to work, I did my best to keep my anxiety at bay as much as possible. I was really glad I had gotten away and had a vacation. And I wrote my coach and said, I’m so glad I didn’t drink on vacation, so I’m not dealing with that shitshow trying to get a new day one, the extra anxiety or depression, the debate of should I drink, should I stop drinking, the wolfy voice.

Talking to my coach, telling my friends who don’t drink that I had slipped. I was really glad that I didn’t have to deal with all of that on top of this guy leaving at work and the anxiety and extra work I was taking on with his absence.

I posted in my online group of not drinking folks this on day 145.

[00:46:00]

Hey guys, I’m on day 145 and I’m feeling immense work anxiety. Work has always been my trigger versus home or love or family or whatever. So I’m having an avalanche of triggers right now. Someone on my team is leaving. The work feels overwhelming.

I’m totally worried about getting projects done and the timelines and what’s going to fall through the cracks and being able to do his work. I wrote in the group, can you guys remind me what to do with this? Do I just sit with this until it passes? I used to, of course, drink a bottle of wine or more and pass out, feel like total shit the next day, and my hangover would somehow have me stressed about that and about drinking versus the initial problem.

I know that was a total crap strategy that was not helping me. So far, to try to cope with the anxiety, I’ve listed out my fears last night. I worked out this morning. I left work for 20 minutes today and listened to a sober audio. I went for a fast walk. I tried deep breathing and now I’m posting here. I know this will pass and drinking will just add a problem to a problem and I don’t want to start over and I don’t want to wake up Wolfie, but this is definitely what I used to drink over to numb out.

So, I hope you can see with that, that even when I felt this overwhelming trigger and you will see that it did not go away quickly. I was using all my tools. I probably use 10 different tools to deal with that anxiety in a situation that I would normally immediately dive into a bottle of wine over. So after day 100, you have internalized all of those tools that have used to get you there so far.

And it’s not that you will not need to keep using them. I was sort of on a pink cloud somewhere between day 40 and day 135. And then this external circumstance that would have happened anyway in my life hit me. And I had to use all my other coping mechanisms, including reaching out to my sober friends, including acknowledging it, including leaning really hard on my Sober Coach to get through it.

But I am 8 years alcohol-free and on day 145, despite it all, I did not drink.

So, on day 148, I felt like I had my first panic attack or really bad anxiety episode since I stopped drinking. And I wrote my coach about it. I said, so I realized that this week, this anxiety episode, this panic attack is my first major one since I quit drinking. I’ve had crushing  anxiety and panic attacks and episodes at various points in my life.

[00:49:00]

Definitely when my dad got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Again, after my dad died, but also more commonly during work, crisis moments, specifically when I had a new boss or a role change, changes in job responsibilities or teams, basically any major stress and crisis moment where I feel significant overwhelm or I feel unable to cope.

These anxiety episodes seem to recur on a semi regular basis over a year and I feel like a physical attack if that makes any sense. It feels like this stuff is physically happening to my body and it goes on for many days and I am having one of those this week. Now By the way, as an aside, a year later, through a lot of work, I figured out that this was part of my mood disorder, that this happened on a cyclical basis.

[00:50:00]

Now, in this case, there was a very real trigger, but I was trying to cope through it, and I talk about that. without drinking. So I felt it differently. I blamed myself less. I could separate it from the effects of a hangover or of drinking and what that did to my nervous system and my confidence, but it was still happening.

So here’s what I continued to write to my Coach, but I didn’t know all of this when I was writing it. I said, It had been many months since my last anxiety episode in January or February, and it was that one that was a main driver to make me quit drinking because I was approaching life from such a sad, fearful place, and I thought it was either caused or definitely made worse by drinking.

[00:51:00]

I realized, though, that while stopping drinking makes life less sad and anxious and more generally peaceful and content. Stopping drinking alone did not solve my problem, and that is such a bummer. A doctor in the past also told me that once you have a few panic attacks or anxiety episodes, you are much more likely to have them again.

I’ve gone on various medications in the past all while drinking and am off them now. I went off them when I quit drinking three years ago and I don’t want to go on any again. By the way, I’ve changed my perspective on medication since then. I am on a mood disorder medication that stabilizes me. I have not had any of these feelings in the last seven years.

[00:52:00]

I’m on anti-anxiety medication as well and I am thrilled. But at the time I said I don’t want to go on. any again. I want to figure out how to just finally address this fearful thinking and this mindset. I want to be able to cope with life and move on from a happy and content place without drinking and without meds.

I’ve been okay so far in my first 4 and 1/2 months of not drinking, mostly because I’ve had my life on a fairly even keel. This is my first anxiety attack in early sobriety. In any case, I’m here. I’m trying to cope and work through it. This is hard, and I’m really bummed that stopping drinking didn’t end this feeling of anxiety and panic forever.

I wrote my Coach again on day 156 and told her what strategies I was using to try to reduce my overwhelm. I said, I’m trying to get Hank off for a play date at someone else’s house on Saturday. And he has a swim lesson in the morning, so I’ll take Lila to kids care at the gym and have a break in the day.

[00:53:00]

My husband was away for a week. I said I have two women coming over Sunday afternoon, which might be a nice touch base with other sober people. On Monday morning I have a quick call with you. That was with my Coach on Tuesday. I have a doctor’s appointment to talk about longer term meds. I can’t make my workout groups next week But maybe that means I can sleep in longer or at least try to meditate I’m, not sure if I’m into meditation, but Everyone else seems to say it helps.

I need to think of sober treats. I’m not sure what that would be or when I have time for them. More lattes, maybe a smoothie at the gym. Maybe I’ll just read a fun novel this week after the kids go to sleep. Maybe I’ll just let work go to hell and it’ll be what it is. I’d be lying if I said drinking hasn’t crossed my mind.

[00:54:00]

It has. So I’m outing myself to you. I am listening to your sober audios. I know drinking won’t help. I don’t want to start over. I just need my mind and my brain to reset. So, I think it’s helpful to hear that sometimes you will think of drinking, sometimes in really difficult situations after a hundred days, you might think of drinking.

But I knew at that point that it would just bring me back to that sad, dark place that I was before I quit and that I needed other ways of taking care of myself. My coach wrote back to me and said, I know it doesn’t seem like this, but you are doing this successfully. You are navigating a really shitty time and you’re doing it sober.

And that was true. I also tried to focus on what 2as good in my life at that time.

[00:55:00]

So, on day 157 I wrote in my online sober group. I said I feel bad that I’ve been posting so much about work anxiety and barely coping. I thought I should share what was good today. I did good physical labor spreading rock for a fire pit that looks awesome. My little one and I put fish food in the pond and watched 20 fish swimming around in there.

We found 3 ripe strawberries and 2 good sized cucumbers and a big carrot in the garden. My son had a swim lesson and I swam laps for 30 minutes. Easy dinner, bath time for the kids and book reading for me after I got the kids down. Not bad, right? So even in the midst of this really difficult time, I was using my tools I was reaching out, but I was also trying to focus and center myself on the good things I had in my life.

[00:56:00]

On day 161, I posted in my online sober group I said, you guys, I got a new bracelet today along with my 3 from Belle. So now, I have not only my Fuck You Wolfie bracelet, my Not Today bracelet, and my Stay Here bracelet, but I also ordered one from Etsy that has NQTD, which means Never Question the Decision to Quit Drinking.

And my sobriety date 2-18-2016. So now, I have four magical security bangles to wear every day. And by wearing them, I really felt like I was protecting myself against drinking. It somehow psychologically really helped me feel safer. And all of the inscriptions were on the inside of these cuff bracelets.

So. They were secret to me. No one else needed to see. Fuck you, Wolfie. And not today. And stay here. I kept writing. I said, and I was nervous, after such an anxiety filled, fragile few weeks, to go out to dinner with the wife of the guy my husband is fishing with. We’ve been friendly for years, but the husband’s worked together in our best buds.

[00:57:00]

We’ve been to wine tastings and on vacations together, but we aren’t really confidants. She knows I’m not drinking for my health kick, but it was great. She showed up with two 12 packs of LaCroix and said, have you ever heard? of this stuff. It’s amazing. All the comedy writers in LA drink it. It’s a new thing.

Now, being in a sobriety community for a couple years, of course I knew LaCroix. LaCroix was like the cool drink amongst sober people. Every time I saw someone in a grocery store buying LaCroix, I’d wonder, are they sober? But anyway, she was introducing me to this cool new non-alcoholic thing she’d found.

It sort of reminds me when people who drink now discover Athletic Brewing Company or something like that. So I said, she was so proud to introduce me to it. The lime was good. Still a long day at work, but tonight was better.

We went to sushi. Neither one of us drank. Her daughter babysat my kids. Day 161 in the book. NQTD. No matter what.

And then on day 180, I wrote in my online sober group, I said, so today is day 180 for me. That was my next big goal. After a hundred days, I have to say that the last month for me has been really hard, not necessarily hard about not drinking, but really hard with the work life anxiety, possible mild depression.

that I always likely drank to mask and to cope with. When I quit drinking on February 18th, it was largely because I was approaching life from such an anxious, fearful place, and I was really scared that I was on a downward path that would end badly for my health, and for my kids, and for my marriage, and my career, and my happiness.

I knew that stopping drinking was problem number one I needed to address. I was drinking a bottle of wine, sometimes more, every single night. I was waking up hungover with bloodshot, glassy eyes and felt shaky. I was barely getting through the day. and starting the cycle all over again. It was awful. And quitting was hard.

And for the first hundred days, just not drinking was my number one job. And I fucking did it. Podcast, online support, reading, working out, early to bed, self-care, working with my coach, doing an online sobriety group and an online sobriety course. That’s what I did. I was pink clouding it for a good while, maybe day 45 to day 130.

[01:00:00]

But the last month, work anxiety and overwhelm has triggered old anxiety and panic, which is spilled over to home and life anxiety and overwhelm.

But I’m still here and I’m still sober. This isn’t easy, but I know going backwards is a ticket straight down. So I’m moving through it as best I can, trying to adjust to some new anti-anxiety meds, trying to get some psychological distance from internalizing work stress, trying to give myself a break and treat myself like I’m in early sobriety again.

Just don’t drink. Avoid overwhelm. Reach out for support. Rest. Go back to basics. Books, audios, podcasts. I’m hoping this lifts soon, but at 180 days, I am proud of the work I have done. I am not poisoning  myself on a daily basis. I am demonstrating healthier coping habits for my kids. I’m not perfect. I struggle.

[01:01:00]

I have insecurities, but I’m not getting drunk and passing out every night over them. I’ve run a 10K. I work out regularly. I try to show up and do the best I can, and sometimes the best I can is better than other days. I don’t know what the future will bring, and I wish I knew. But I know I’m not actively sabotaging my own future the way I was seven months ago when I was drinking.

I was hoping at six months, I’d feel like an invincible, sober, motherfucking unicorn. But instead, I feel very much like a fragile work in progress who is just trying to do the next right thing.

I’m getting a massage in 20 minutes to relax and celebrate the work of the last 180 days as a treat for being sober. So that’s good. Thanks for being out there, my friends.

[01:02:00]

So that was my day 100 to 180. And I want to say again, that each one of us. Drinking has a different reason that drinking worked for us in the first place.

For me, it was anxiety and it was work. And it took me a while to figure it out, right? First, I needed to stop drinking. Nothing would have gotten better. It actually would have all gotten worse and worse and worse if I was drinking. And I would have blamed myself. For all of it and I wouldn’t have had support because I would not have been honest with people in my life About my drinking so I wouldn’t have shared What was going on in my mind and in my body?

Because I would have been ashamed and blamed myself. I stopped drinking and it was hard But it was tender and it was transformative and it felt like things were in Technicolor and I was proud of myself and I pink clouded it from day 45 to day 130.

[01:03:00]

I can’t tell you when I was drinking, when I felt like I was pink clouding it for 85 days in a row, but it did not happen full stop. And then at 130 days or 140 days, shit got hard. And instead of drinking, I used all my tools. I really did. I went back to early sobriety shit.

I was so glad I had sober friends. Who, by the way, I met in an online sober Facebook group. I had done a course on online sobriety. I did it way back in the day with Holly Whitaker who wrote, Quit Like a Woman, 8 years ago.

But I have a Sober Course now. I have an online community now and it’s really good. So, if you’re where I was or if you’re an early sobriety or if you’re struggling to get started,

join the Sobriety Starter Kit if you’re up for it. I have a seven day, no questions asked, money back guarantee. There is a payment plan. You can join it and see if it’s for you. When you’re in the course, you can join my online community. I am in there every day, cheering people on, offering advice. It is a wonderful group of women and I do group coaching in there.

So all that is to say is, my tools were different in early sobriety, but I now offer things that helped me that are very similar. And those tools, that investment I made in my first hundred days really helped me on day 145 when the shit got real and the shit got hard. I got through it because I built that foundation and those relationships.

[01:05:00]

I had my coach and I leaned on her. I reached out for advice. I took care of myself. I added medication.

And on day 187, so right after six months, I wrote my coach that I found a new therapist and I set up my first appointment that she had a background in treating anxiety and depression and also some years working with substance abuse and addiction.

So, I was really hopeful it was going to be a good tool to add to my toolbox of having a therapist to talk to about my anxiety and work through issues who also hopefully understands what it means to be 7 months sober. So then, I added even another tool.

[01:06:00]

Like I said, your stuff may not be a mood disorder, or a mental health thing, or work anxiety. Now I realize that I truly believe that coaching and connecting with people and learning about self-improvement is what I was meant to do, which by the way, is a very different environment than tracking daily sales and profit and loss.

And what I was doing as a corporate marketing director, but I know that now. And the only reason I know that is because I quit drinking. The only reason I finally figured out my mental health is because I quit drinking. The only reason I got to move forward with my life and could not have imagined when I quit drinking what my life would have been like eight years later.

Is because I did the work and it wasn’t all hard and a lot of it was good, but after a hundred days, you might have to deal with the shit that made drinking work for you in the first place and it might be your marriage, It might be challenges with your kids, it might be dealing with family members, it might be the environment you live in, it might be mental health stuff that’s different than my mental health stuff, it might be your social circle, it probably is that you need more support.

[01:07:00]

It almost always is that you need better boundaries. It really probably is that you do not advocate for yourself or take care of yourself. I hope this was helpful.

I hope that if you are looking at a hundred days or at four months or five months or six months or further along, that it helps you to know that it is worth it, that it is better. But if you’re having a hard time, you are not alone. I had a really hard time at Day 145 at day 160. It was still worth it.

[01:08:00]

The work I did then set me up for an easier life and a happier life in the future. But that doesn’t mean that if it is not all pink clouds or if some of the shit comes back that you used to drink over, That it is time to throw in the towel and that you should go back to numbing out because you will never Move forward with your life and cope with and get over this shit That made you drink unless you do the work and at this moment I just want to celebrate and I hope you don’t mind celebrating with me eight years alcohol free I spent 10 years worrying about my drinking and now I am eight years alcohol free and my life has changed in ways that I never could have imagined. And I have heard from thousands of women who have listened to the podcast or have gotten my free 30 day guide or I’ve worked with one on one or in my course Who have also done the work, who are 4 years and 3 years and 2years and 8 months alcohol-free and are so happy they did that.

And if you are one of those women, I am so proud of you. I am honored that I’ve gotten to be a small part of your life and the way you are changing it for the better. I am so proud of you and Let’s just keep going. Okay. And if you are in the cycle, I get it. I know it is hard. I was stuck there for years.

And the only thing I want to say to you is, if you realize that drinking is not working for you and you have not been able to stop or get sober momentum or keep your sober momentum yet, All that means is you do not have the right layer of support yet. You need to add more supports and that is going to make it better, not worse.

[01:10:00]

You are not weak for needing a course, for needing a Coach, for needing a community, for needing medication, for needing therapy. And by the way, I don’t think I mentioned that the therapy I did was EMDR. If you don’t know it, look into it. It has helped so many of my clients after they stopped drinking.

EMDR can be really powerful. If you have only done cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in the past. So that was the kind of therapy I did. But keep adding supports because if you do that, it will not be as hard for as long. I have to say that sobriety truly is the best decision and the best work I’ve ever done.

That doesn’t mean it’s not work, but drinking is hard. Living in that drinking cycle is hard. Stopping drinking can also be hard.

[01:11:00]

Navigating life without being completely numb or knocking yourself unconscious every night, that is hard too. But it is not hard forever. It makes you stronger. Your life gets better incrementally.

It does not continue to get worse. And IT IS WORTH IT.

So, if you are on the path, keep adding supports. You are worth the investment. Your life is worth the investment, the investment of time and money and energy and asking for help, even though it’s hard and being vulnerable to people, maybe that you don’t know, but people who get it.

So, do the work. I am proud of you. Thank you for listening to 201 podcast episodes.

I hit episode 200 last week. That is a huge accomplishment in the podcasting world. A lot of podcasts only last 10 episodes or 20 episodes or maybe a year, but 200.

[01:12:00]

8 years for me is really big and part of what makes sobriety fun and good is actually celebrating your accomplishment, actually giving yourself credit for the good things you’re doing, being proud of not having had a drink in 30 days or 45 days or 8 years.

You are a badass. I didn’t realize it at the time. I said I thought that I would feel like a badass motherfucking unicorn. Looking back, I realized, holy shit, I was a badass motherfucking sober unicorn to navigate that without going back to the shit that would numb me out that I was used to, that I had done for 20 years, that is a sober badass.

And you My friend, you are a sober badass, I’m proud of you. Let’s keep doing this thing, okay?

[01:13:00]

And if you love this podcast and want to give me a gift for 8 years,

why don’t you find me on Instagram at @caseymdavidson.

👭 Let’s be friends. Say hello. 👋🏼

✍🏻 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Or you can write me a review on Apple Podcasts. That helps me a ton.

☕️ Or, I have this thing on my website when you go to any episode where you can click a link and buy me a coffee.

Like any good Seattle girl, coffee is my love language. 💚

☕️ It takes me a ton of hours to work on this podcast. And if you buy me a coffee, I will toast to you with a venti almond milk latte, maybe after a walk with my friends on 6 a. m. on Thursdays.